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AIBU?

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Original poster

Going on hen do but not invited to main wedding

508 replies

SantasComingToTown · 19/02/2024 14:00

Opinions please as I feel a bit put out….

As the title suggests I’m going on a hen do but my husband and I aren’t invited to the wedding, just the evening reception.

The hen is 3 days and has cost me £200. The Wedding was planned well before the hen do started to be arranged, but the bride (family) is very secretive so wouldn’t share the date or venue etc with anyone until the invites came out. We talk really regularly and the conversation for well over the last year has mainly been wedding based. I know she is having 80 people all day (more in the evening) so I wouldn’t say it’s a small wedding. She has also asked me to make loads of wedding signs and bits for her which I was happy to do (presuming I would be bringing them down with me to the wedding).

Now the invites have come through, we are only invited to the evening reception. We live 200 miles away and have a baby (wedding is baby free), it’s also on a weekday and both my husband and work the day of and the day after the wedding, so it’s going to be no mean feat to get there for what will be a few hours in reality.

AIBU to feel a bit put out about this? Why would you invite someone to your expensive hen do and then not even give the courtesy of a day time invite, especially when you know how far away they live. I would understand if they wedding was really small (30/40 people) but it’s not.

For context, we had the same size wedding and they were invited all day because we appreciated how long it was going to take them to get there and she also came on my hen do.

OP posts:
Theatrefan12 · 21/02/2024 20:14

Maireas · 21/02/2024 18:38

Exactly, @MikeRafone . There was a wedding ceremony, then the reception in a hotel or a hall, depending on budget, and you invited friends and family... that was it. No two tier friendship or family, just everyone together, celebrating.
You're right, things seem to have got very lavish. People have got more of a disposable income nowadays.

Nothing to do with things getting lavish these days

Evening guests have been the norm in my experience since I was a child and I am in my 40s.

Usually neighbours, colleagues, acquaintances who are invited to come along and celebrate with no expectation for gifts or anything.

I remember my parents going to loads of evening receptions of work colleagues, and then the same for me as I got older. Basically just a night out

Definitely not lavish, usually just in the local town hall

Maireas · 21/02/2024 20:22

Well, completely different to my experience @Theatrefan12 . I've never heard of just going to "an evening out" part of a wedding.
I'm 64, and in my experience you were invited to a wedding. That was it. Most people didn't have a huge disposable income for an evening party too, and it would have been considered rude to only invite someone for a part. Maybe it was the community I grew up in, and later on in adult life. So experiences obviously differ.

OnceinaMinion · 21/02/2024 20:34

I was in a friendship group of 6 women. We did everything together, holidays, socialising etc.
One got engaged and booked somewhere she basically couldn’t afford and so we all got only night do invites. Now we were her friendship group and not to be invited was super strange. I know one of my friends was really upset (she’s unmarried and wanted to be involved).

Obviously we were her friendship group so we would be the hen do. So she invited us and 2 other women. There was a day element which was expensive (and got cheaper the more who did it), and then a meal. 4 of us said no to the day thing, 1 went said bride was pissy all afternoon because no one came. She then told friend she had to go away for 4 hours and come back for the meal! We then had an awful awkward meal as no one wanted to be there, literally we were counting minutes till we could go. Evening do of the wedding was the same. Not friends with her anymore after 15 years.

Worst bit was groom has his mates to the whole thing but not us.

Theatrefan12 · 21/02/2024 20:34

Maireas · 21/02/2024 20:22

Well, completely different to my experience @Theatrefan12 . I've never heard of just going to "an evening out" part of a wedding.
I'm 64, and in my experience you were invited to a wedding. That was it. Most people didn't have a huge disposable income for an evening party too, and it would have been considered rude to only invite someone for a part. Maybe it was the community I grew up in, and later on in adult life. So experiences obviously differ.

Exactly, experiences differ but you said in a previous post although no doubt some people will contradict!

It’s not a contradiction just a different life experience, so no need for the sarcasm

Maireas · 21/02/2024 20:37

Theatrefan12 · 21/02/2024 20:34

Exactly, experiences differ but you said in a previous post although no doubt some people will contradict!

It’s not a contradiction just a different life experience, so no need for the sarcasm

Show quote history

Not sarcastic. For goodness sake. If you want an argument, pick on someone else.

NotThatWitty · 21/02/2024 21:30

OP - please tell me you are no longer doing the wedding stationery for her?

But well done for being the bigger person and deciding to still go to the hen do (you are a better person than me!) - I hope you have a brilliant time.

RadFs · 21/02/2024 21:49

Im not sure why she hasn’t invited you to the wedding. Considering the family is small I guess the rest of the people
invited are her ‘influencer’ friends. You’ll have to let us know what happens next

Bo1978 · 22/02/2024 06:24

Porfirio · 19/02/2024 14:46

'The hen is 3 days and has cost me £200.'

More fool you then.

Why on earth would you agree to that if you're not thought highly enough about to be invited to the wedding?!

Because she didn’t know she wasn’t?

Somanystupidpeople · 22/02/2024 07:31

I hope you won't give her the signs and other stuff you've made her! I also think it will be too awkward to attend the hen do.

Justkeepingplatesspinning · 22/02/2024 07:36

She's taken you for granted with the signage and table decorations etc which sounds like a massive amount of work. The invite to the hen do is either because she feels she has to have you there, or because she's got you doing the signage.
I see what you're saying about being close, almost like sisters in a way, but I don't think she sees it like that unfortunately. Or she does, and that's why she has used and abused you.
Either way, I'd cut my losses with the hen do. You're probably better to send cash as a gift as signage will end up costing far more by the time you've postage and packed it up there. Not to mention the time it's going to take to do it.

Justkeepingplatesspinning · 22/02/2024 07:38

Somanystupidpeople · 22/02/2024 07:31

I hope you won't give her the signs and other stuff you've made her! I also think it will be too awkward to attend the hen do.

Completely agree.

Luckylu123 · 22/02/2024 08:48

If you put the signs aside, it seems like she sees you as a party friend, not a close friend, hence you being invited to the hens party and the evening. I bet they haven’t even considered logistics for people if they’ve invited an extra 200 people to drive 200 miles to for a few hours party. I’d put that down to them being thoughtless.

the signs situation is pretty rude though, if she considers you a good enough friend for that favour/previously that she wanted to spend time with you doing them together, it’s a bit stink not inviting you to the full wedding.

CoffeeCantata · 22/02/2024 08:57

I would not go to the wedding evening do. Just decline. It will cost you even more, be extremely inconvenient and in my experience, not enjoyable for you at all.

Have no worries about saying no.

Joelkimmo · 22/02/2024 09:59

Think it depends on your friendship and how you know them. There was definitely people on my hen who were only night time guests and I have been on hens were I am then only a night time guest at the wedding. Such as my friends sister came on my hen & I went on hers but we only went the night of each others weddings. We know each other and we friendly but we aren’t close enough to be day time guest.

LAW1976 · 22/02/2024 10:05

I’ve been to plenty of hen dos where I’m only invited to the evening reception. I've also been invited to weddings far away and even abroad where it’s only for the evening reception (it was where they lived) I’ve never had any problem with that as I’m not close enough to them to expect to go all day ahead of other friends and family. So I’d judge it on whether you think they 80 people (which in reality may be 40 for her)who would be closer to them or they couldn’t not invite. Maybe the delays in telling you is because they’ve been trying to work it out and she had thought she might have been able to invite you or other firiends all day perhaps waiting to see if maybe some family can’t attend and when she’s asked you to help she had thought you would come all day. I’m pretty sure she knows you might be upset and should have explained the reasons. Whether you go because of the logistics is another issue

OnceinaMinion · 22/02/2024 10:57

I’ve been to lots of evening dos of mine and DHs work colleagues. Very common in DHs large company to have an open invite in the past. I’ve been to the odd hen do for only night invites, but all local and low cost affairs.
He even went to a non local evening part for a colleague but he went alone as a trip with work colleagues so very low cost, 5 in one car kinda thing.

I have a cricut, it’s not just the materials it’s the time it takes to put all that together. It’s always longer than you thought. I’d just say it’s too much with the baby etc and not do it. Screw her.

whynotwhatknot · 22/02/2024 11:59

maybe posters sold read te ops post before saying tings like maybe youre not close or not family

Ribidibidibidoobahday · 22/02/2024 12:09

I discovered during a hen do that I wasn't invited to the wedding.

The bride was a bit scatty and at the restaurant at the hen do there were things with the date on. My friend picked one up from the table and said "at least we're sure of the date now." We giggled, ha, what is she like, love her. Then half an hour later she came over and said sorry that we weren't invited to the wedding, but it's just going to be a small one, she's sure we understand. I was shocked. Always thought the hen do was a subsect of wedding guests that you were closest to.

There were 12 people at the hen do and 4 of us discovered that we weren't invited then. One of them had been her best friend and housemate for 4 years. Helped her move house the weekend before.

"Small" was probably around 60, which is fine if we don't make the cut, but why on earth invite us to jump through hen do hoops if you don't care enough about us to invite us to the wedding.

PloddingAlong21 · 22/02/2024 12:48

I wouldn’t be put out by the daytime invite not being extended to you.

80 is still a logistical nightmare when you’ve got so many family friends and family and Aunt Dorris wants to invite her cousins you’ve never heard of but they love you so much and it’s family. Politics is insane. I think most would rather invite their mates but that can then become political too.

Are your other friends going? Or are they evening only too? In which case I would just shrug it off as wedding politics and not her actual preference/desired choice.

BUT….you doing the signage and for free and her not bothering is disgusting and so ungrateful.

Given your logistics and effort for evening I would decline and explain that it’s simply too far for a few hours and you can’t get leave from work or childcare. I wouldn’t put myself out for just an evening do.

however I wouldn’t be bothered about the day part, weddings are pretty dull anyway.

Magicmama92 · 22/02/2024 12:57

Have you paid for the hen? If I were you I'd no go to anything.. she's taking advantage making you do bits and spend money but not inviting you to the actual wedding? Rude.

Cosyblankets · 22/02/2024 13:00

PloddingAlong21 · 22/02/2024 12:48

I wouldn’t be put out by the daytime invite not being extended to you.

80 is still a logistical nightmare when you’ve got so many family friends and family and Aunt Dorris wants to invite her cousins you’ve never heard of but they love you so much and it’s family. Politics is insane. I think most would rather invite their mates but that can then become political too.

Are your other friends going? Or are they evening only too? In which case I would just shrug it off as wedding politics and not her actual preference/desired choice.

BUT….you doing the signage and for free and her not bothering is disgusting and so ungrateful.

Given your logistics and effort for evening I would decline and explain that it’s simply too far for a few hours and you can’t get leave from work or childcare. I wouldn’t put myself out for just an evening do.

however I wouldn’t be bothered about the day part, weddings are pretty dull anyway.

When Aunt Doris is paying for the wedding she can have a say.
Fully get the issue of numbers but this particular scenario just seems wrong

PloddingAlong21 · 22/02/2024 13:06

Cosyblankets · 22/02/2024 13:00

When Aunt Doris is paying for the wedding she can have a say.
Fully get the issue of numbers but this particular scenario just seems wrong

Show quote history

I’ve been to hen do’s and only been an evening guest. From memory I may have had a couple at my own too. I don’t think it’s that uncommon these days.

However the signage situation is bizarre as suggests they’re very close. You’d at least expect the friend to explain if there are numbers issues and why, not gloss over it with an invite.

nightmareXmas · 22/02/2024 13:20

Just a reminder to read the OP's updates. For those saying it isn't unusual to attend a hen / evening do only, in this situation, not only has the OP been producing signage and helping with organising the wedding, she and her DH are family and appear to have had a long and close relationship with the bride. I find it hard to believe that, aside from other family members, there are 60 other guests higher in the pecking order in terms of getting an invite to the most important part of the day.

PandaChopChop · 22/02/2024 13:38

Thats awful OP. Hope the baby is OK. Decline these fuckers and have a lovely day off with your husband instead.

alanet · 22/02/2024 13:46

I'm curious about who is actually going if they both have such small families. Has she only invited advertisers 'influencers' or something equally ludicrous, like no-one older than her or only blondes or no-one prettier than her or something? The mind boggles.