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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Going on hen do but not invited to main wedding

508 replies

SantasComingToTown · 19/02/2024 14:00

Opinions please as I feel a bit put out….

As the title suggests I’m going on a hen do but my husband and I aren’t invited to the wedding, just the evening reception.

The hen is 3 days and has cost me £200. The Wedding was planned well before the hen do started to be arranged, but the bride (family) is very secretive so wouldn’t share the date or venue etc with anyone until the invites came out. We talk really regularly and the conversation for well over the last year has mainly been wedding based. I know she is having 80 people all day (more in the evening) so I wouldn’t say it’s a small wedding. She has also asked me to make loads of wedding signs and bits for her which I was happy to do (presuming I would be bringing them down with me to the wedding).

Now the invites have come through, we are only invited to the evening reception. We live 200 miles away and have a baby (wedding is baby free), it’s also on a weekday and both my husband and work the day of and the day after the wedding, so it’s going to be no mean feat to get there for what will be a few hours in reality.

AIBU to feel a bit put out about this? Why would you invite someone to your expensive hen do and then not even give the courtesy of a day time invite, especially when you know how far away they live. I would understand if they wedding was really small (30/40 people) but it’s not.

For context, we had the same size wedding and they were invited all day because we appreciated how long it was going to take them to get there and she also came on my hen do.

OP posts:
Meagainnewname · 23/02/2024 08:53

BusyMummy001 · 23/02/2024 08:32

For goodness sake… the bride is DH’s first cousin!! They ARE family - so it’s not just OP who has been snubbed but also the bride’s cousin, the DH. And that is aside from expecting free sign/deco making services that she couldn’t be bothered to come down to make, as originally arranged, or take them back.

And it is usual (as a former event manager) that when family, those helping with wedding planning and decs, those travelling a considerable way and required to incur child-care costs in order to attend (because the rest of the family is attending also, so cannot help with the grandkids) that you invite them to the whole day, regardless of whether they were also invited to your hen weekend event.

Show quote history

🤣🤣🤣🤣

OMG!
calm down 🤣

depends what kind of person you are though, some people are more than happy to contribute and help for nothing or do it instead of giving a gift!

I’ve made wedding favours before instead of giving them a gift and I’ve been invited to the evening only, it’s only a cousin so not like it’s a niece or nephew!!

WhistPie · 23/02/2024 08:54

Meagainnewname · 23/02/2024 08:12

Confused, as you say she’s family yet you’ve only known her since she was 16?

I’ve been to hen parties before and never has it crossed my mind that because I’m going to the hen party I should have an invite to the actual wedding 🤣

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Confused or incapable of thinking and comprehending?

BusyMummy001 · 23/02/2024 08:58

Meagainnewname · 23/02/2024 08:53

🤣🤣🤣🤣

OMG!
calm down 🤣

depends what kind of person you are though, some people are more than happy to contribute and help for nothing or do it instead of giving a gift!

I’ve made wedding favours before instead of giving them a gift and I’ve been invited to the evening only, it’s only a cousin so not like it’s a niece or nephew!!

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I’m totally calm thanks.

Just disbelieving that so many have such dire reading comprehension skills and feel it’s okay for close family to treat a person this way.

Meagainnewname · 23/02/2024 08:59

BusyMummy001 · 23/02/2024 08:58

I’m totally calm thanks.

Just disbelieving that so many have such dire reading comprehension skills and feel it’s okay for close family to treat a person this way.

Show quote history

It’s a cousin!

Ohnobackagain · 23/02/2024 09:03

@SantasComingToTown now you’ve seen the responses were meant to be back by 10 Feb, can you not just message and say - erm, I’m very confused. I saw on the response system we’re late responding but we didn’t even get the invite until AFTER that date. Also as we only appear to have received an evening invite that makes logistics almost impossible with baby so I’m sorry this means we can’t make it work and with regret can’t attend. As we only have an evening invite it scuppers bringing all the table decs etc with us so you’ll have to make arrangements to collect them.

BusyMummy001 · 23/02/2024 09:15

Meagainnewname · 23/02/2024 08:59

It’s a cousin!

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Can you not read? It’s a cousin they see regularly and chat with 3-4 times a week, and have done so for years - a CLOSE cousin and friend.

OnceinaMinion · 23/02/2024 09:25

It’s the distance that makes evening dos a no go for me, especially with childcare issues.

anchoviesanchovies · 23/02/2024 10:02

So many of you are giving strong opinions when you clearly haven't read most of the thread. OP has been very clear that the bride and groom both have tiny families. The bride is first cousin of the OP's husband, they are very close both as family and as friends.

bakebeans · 23/02/2024 10:36

PopandFizz · 23/02/2024 07:45

I think YABU, its very common for people to go on the hen and stag and only be invited to the evening now.

You could very well be on the 'Bump up' list for evening guests that they'll invite to the full day once their great aunt says no or similar.

80 isn't that many people. It sounds it but it really isn't once you've invited family. All it takes is one of them to have a large family.

The hen do is about if you like them enough to celebrate with them, it's not a trade off for an invite.

The OP is family and has also been asked to make things for the big day at no expense in her spare time. I think it's cheeky!

usernamecopied · 23/02/2024 10:47

Meagainnewname · 23/02/2024 08:59

It’s a cousin!

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It’s not just a cousin, they’re a very small family, her DH grew up with this cousin closely, they speak constantly through the week and have a close friendship, it sounds like OP has been leaned on a lot with regards to wedding planning.

Blondebrunette1 · 23/02/2024 11:10

@SantasComingToTown yea, I wouldn't go and I wouldn't make the signs, I might not remember until about the same time you received the invite after the reply deadline. Just remember when someone tells you who they are, believe them the first time x

JLM1981 · 23/02/2024 11:28

PopandFizz · 23/02/2024 07:45

I think YABU, its very common for people to go on the hen and stag and only be invited to the evening now.

You could very well be on the 'Bump up' list for evening guests that they'll invite to the full day once their great aunt says no or similar.

80 isn't that many people. It sounds it but it really isn't once you've invited family. All it takes is one of them to have a large family.

The hen do is about if you like them enough to celebrate with them, it's not a trade off for an invite.

I agree it's pretty common these days but in the OPs case I can see why she's hurt.

Arbak82 · 23/02/2024 11:43

You are absolutely not being unreasonable! Such a shame as it's sad that this will end a close friendship too, weddings make people crazy!
Please please do come back and update us after the hen weekend and more importantly update us now hat Grandma does!

Bsgpuss · 23/02/2024 13:01

I wouldn't go to any of it. She has made you feel an after thought.

Lalalalala555 · 23/02/2024 15:47

Ask if it was a mistake that you weren't invited to the day time wedding.
Because if you're invited to the hen party and you're involved in wedding prep, it sounds like you're close and involved.

If it's the case that it wasn't a mistake, don't be afraid to stand up for yourself. The thing is do you actually want to go to a wedding, a hen do and help with signs?
Are you upset because you're not being chosen or because you really wanted to go?
Are you giving your attendance because you feel obliged and obliged to help?

Check in with yourself what you actually want to do. And then communicate that to her.

If it's the case you're trying to be a nice person. Don't feel bad. It doesn't sound like the bride is being thoughtful and she chooses what she gives out. It's on you to choose what you do and how to act based off how you're treated.

Lalalalala555 · 23/02/2024 15:49

Ie don't blame yourself.

If the bride has made you feel used and not valued and rejected.
You're in your own right to act to protect yourself and not bend over backwards.

People need to stand up to people that are inconsiderate.
And people need to have consequences for being inconsiderate.

If she wanted you there, and it wasn't a mistake you'd be going.
Its fine for you not to show.
All she has to do is invite you.

tillytoodles1 · 23/02/2024 16:00

WhistPie · 22/02/2024 23:06

Your point is?

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Sorry, I forgot to add only those on the list were invited to the Hen party.

Nanaof1 · 23/02/2024 18:33

Since MN is the first place I've ever heard of this, could someone please explain something to me?
Are there usually three parts to the wedding?
Ceremony
Dinner
Reception
or am I missing something?
If one is only invited to the "evening part" of the wedding, is that after the ceremony AND dinner, or just the ceremony?

Personally, I would never go to just an "evening do", if all it's just drinking and dancing. I can do that anytime and not have to worry about dressing up or spending money on a gift for someone who doesn't consider me worthy of the ceremony or dinner. (Though in reality, anyone can go to a ceremony if it's in a church).

Nanaof1 · 23/02/2024 18:35

BusyMummy001 · 23/02/2024 09:15

Can you not read? It’s a cousin they see regularly and chat with 3-4 times a week, and have done so for years - a CLOSE cousin and friend.

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Some people seem to really have trouble either RTFT or with reading comprehension skills. SMDH
You have a lot more patience than I do!

LolaSmiles · 23/02/2024 18:37

Nanaof1
It depends on the type of wedding.

A lot of country house or fancy hotel venues will have a day guestlist and an evening guestlist. The day list is usually smaller due to the ceremony room being smaller and the wedding breakfast only fitting so many (or the cost of the wedding breakfast). The evening is more of a party and people might invite wider friends or colleagues.

Some have minimum numbers of guests stipulated at each point in the day as well so the couple have to pay for a set number of guests whether or not they invite them. This is particularly a problem for spring/summer Saturdays.

OnceinaMinion · 23/02/2024 18:40

Evening do is after dinner. So basically the disco and night buffet.
I know there are people who seem to have never been invited to one but it used to be common for local acquaintances and work colleagues. People you probably not invite to a whole wedding anyway. You would often go with a group of people so more fun than walking in on your own.
Increasingly though as the price of weddings and type of weddings people want, they move people who would be day guests to just night guests. Even when there are distances involved (in my opinion, these are cheeky fuckers generally).

I have read people on here being invited to the ceremony and then the evening do - no meal! Which obviously is incredibly rude.

evanmow · 23/02/2024 19:30

If you've paid for the hen do then go & enjoy it. But decline the wedding evening invite as it sounds like a lot of expense for a short period of time

JLM1981 · 23/02/2024 19:51

It really must depend on where you are from as since I was a kid (I'm in my 40s) evening reception only invitations are very common for extended family, neighbours, colleagues. Starts around 6.30/7pm after the meal so you arrive before the first dance and band etc starts. You see the first dance, cutting of the cake then have a buffet. I've been to so many of these for friends and colleagues and often been to the Hen party too but not the wedding ceremony or meal. Each to their own. For some close family and friends I've been to everything all day. It really just depends on the budget and circumstances 🙂

Simplelobsterhat · 24/02/2024 07:08

I never understand the outrage of Mumsnet to evening invites IN GENERAL. If it was any other occasion, eg big birthday, a party with buffet, disco and cash bar would be seen as a perfectly acceptable event to be invited to, but suddenly when it's a wedding people can't possibly go to all the effort of putting on clothes and leaving the house for that!

I've always been happy with an evening invitation. I've even done overnight hotel stays for a couple, although would think a little more carefully about whether I wanted to accept in those circumstances. But if it's a chance to see people I like and have a nice night out with them, and I can find a fairly cheap hotel, why not? I usually put a bit less effort in for outfit, and take smaller gift for evening only - again treating it more like a birthday party.

In the OPs case it's different because essentially the bride has been treating like she is closer to them than that by asking big favours etc, but I really don't see the issue in evening invitations generally (unless there is no food, in which case I do think you are in CF territory, particularly if people have travelled).

Gwenhwyfar · 24/02/2024 13:26

Simplelobsterhat · 24/02/2024 07:08

I never understand the outrage of Mumsnet to evening invites IN GENERAL. If it was any other occasion, eg big birthday, a party with buffet, disco and cash bar would be seen as a perfectly acceptable event to be invited to, but suddenly when it's a wedding people can't possibly go to all the effort of putting on clothes and leaving the house for that!

I've always been happy with an evening invitation. I've even done overnight hotel stays for a couple, although would think a little more carefully about whether I wanted to accept in those circumstances. But if it's a chance to see people I like and have a nice night out with them, and I can find a fairly cheap hotel, why not? I usually put a bit less effort in for outfit, and take smaller gift for evening only - again treating it more like a birthday party.

In the OPs case it's different because essentially the bride has been treating like she is closer to them than that by asking big favours etc, but I really don't see the issue in evening invitations generally (unless there is no food, in which case I do think you are in CF territory, particularly if people have travelled).

I think it's being seen as 'second class' guest that people don't like and it was very awkward once when we arrived on time for the evening do and the reception was still going on.