Going on hen do but not invited to main wedding

[SantasComingToTown]

Opinions please as I feel a bit put out….

As the title suggests I’m going on a hen do but my husband and I aren’t invited to the wedding, just the evening reception.

The hen is 3 days and has cost me £200. The Wedding was planned well before the hen do started to be arranged, but the bride (family) is very secretive so wouldn’t share the date or venue etc with anyone until the invites came out. We talk really regularly and the conversation for well over the last year has mainly been wedding based. I know she is having 80 people all day (more in the evening) so I wouldn’t say it’s a small wedding. She has also asked me to make loads of wedding signs and bits for her which I was happy to do (presuming I would be bringing them down with me to the wedding).

Now the invites have come through, we are only invited to the evening reception. We live 200 miles away and have a baby (wedding is baby free), it’s also on a weekday and both my husband and work the day of and the day after the wedding, so it’s going to be no mean feat to get there for what will be a few hours in reality.

AIBU to feel a bit put out about this? Why would you invite someone to your expensive hen do and then not even give the courtesy of a day time invite, especially when you know how far away they live. I would understand if they wedding was really small (30/40 people) but it’s not.

For context, we had the same size wedding and they were invited all day because we appreciated how long it was going to take them to get there and she also came on my hen do.

So she wants you to come on her expensive hen do, make her signage and then just offer you a party.

No thanks.

I'd send her a quote for the signs and say this will be the cost, please let me know if you want to go ahead and decline the evening invite!

If you've already paid for the hen do is it refundable? I wouldn't bother now, she sounds like a massive user.

Just how much are these signs costing you?
She sounds very thoughtless.

Not unreasonable at all. I was invited to a hen do which required me to travel and pay money for activities I had no interest in, but I wasn't even invited to the wedding at all, neither day nor evening.
This was on the back of a baby shower a 2 hour drive away where I turned up with lots of presents and everyone else apparently just put a fiver in to get a joint present, but forgot to tell me about that. She thanked me and said how she really valued my friendship but then somehow she then sat me on a table by myself rather than with the main group and didn't speak to me for the rest of the event.

So with this still in the back of my mind I felt the missing wedding invite was no mistake and it would be no surprise to anyone I passed on the hen do and funnily enough I've not heard from this "friend" since. She hasn't taken kindly to me not coming it seems.

That's a shame - I was trying to see the best in the situation!

The signs would have been a nice session together and a present from you ... But yes, definitely rude now!!

I wouldn't go to the evening do. What a load of faff. The hen do, depends if I fancied it or not. I've been invited to hen do + evening do but bride was upfront, put me up in her in-laws house so I didn't have to pay for hotel for the reception etc. I didn't really mind as she was a work colleague at the end of the day so I understood why I wasn't prioritised. And I fancied the hen do as it was in York and had some fun activities planned!

No, not a business although I would love too at some point. My family bought me a cricut machine for my birthday last year and I just use it for crafting at home and to do stuff for family and friends if they ask. Never been paid for anything . Yes I was going to do it for free (despite my husbands protests). I’ve made some small bits already for the hen do and a couple of smaller signs (A4 size) as I already had the supplies. The larger ones she was going to buy the materials but my husband did even question how that was going to work when she loves as far away as she does lol. She can pay someone else on Etsy £80 to do it now! Lol

Well thanks everyone for the replies so far. I’m a bit emotional at the moment as my hormones are all over the place, so I wasn’t sure if i was being a bit over sensitive or not! Glad I’m not the only one who thinks this is rude!

Yes she bloody can. I’d honestly invoice her for the work you’ve completed so far. And I hope you can get your money back from the hen do. So fucking cheeky of her. Did she think you were just going to send them to her for free too?!

'The hen is 3 days and has cost me £200.'

More fool you then.

Why on earth would you agree to that if you're not thought highly enough about to be invited to the wedding?!

Ahhh I’m sorry that you’re upset. But at least you know what she’s really like now.

Definitely decline. Wish her well, send a card the week before, leave it at that.

You obviously didnt read her post properly.

Yes unfortunately it’s not a mistake.

Declined the invite and definitely don’t do any more signs for her!

The fact that you invited her to your whole wedding day and she hasn’t reciprocated just means she doesn’t see you as a good friend. Knowing where you stand now you should decline the hen do and evening do and pull back from the friendship. I would maybe say that you’re happy to send her the signs you’ve done so far if she can reimburse for the materials and pay for postage.

You're absolutely not being over the top!

I find it rather odd to invite someone to the hen party but not the wedding! Hen parties are supposed to be for close friends who would therefore also come to the wedding!

As it's such a long way, you have work, a baby who can't attend, and only for the evening bit, I'd just thank her for the invite, but on further consideration, it's too far to travel just for the evening, therefore you will have to decline the invite, but you hope she has a special day.

As for the signs, I certainly wouldn't be making any more! Just tell her you've got a lot on at the moment if she asks about them.

I said to my husband that she must know that us living this far away and only inviting us to the evening it’s unlikely we would come (especially with young children who can’t come too) so why invite me to the hen do. I’m wondering now if it was because she wanted the signs and to keep the costs down. That’s how I feel anyway. Shame really as despite the distance I would class her as a very good friend of mine as well as being family. I’ve known her since she was 16 years old, she’s late 20s now.

Off topic a bit, but what was the big mystery over the wedding date? (don’t go to wedding, BTW, just politely decline, explaining its too far and too much hassle arranging childcare and accommodation for what is effectively a night out).

See I'm the opposite of this, but very similar circumstances. I have a cricut and done all the signs etc for the wedding of a friend (not best friend or anything, just friend). I know how limited her numbers were and wasn't expecting an invite at all to be honest, I'm not close enough although a friend for sure. When she gave me an invite I was like ok fair enough, and was shocked when I opened it it and it was for the whole day and night with my DH. I would never have expected an invite just because I have done the stationery, they paid for the supplies but I done the rest for free. I'd have been delighted with an evening only invite. I dont see the issue. I was also invited to the 4 day abroad hen, my choice if I wanted to go or not. I went.

Is she your husband's family?
In general i don't have a problem with hen do and only evening invitation.
We got married abroad with limited numbers. I had a much bigger hen do but it was a cheapie. Not abroad or anything like that

I would only invite to the hen those if invite to the wedding and the nerve of her having you making signs, for something you’re only 2nd rung in.

I really hope you don’t go to any of it. She’s not tbf friend you think she is.

I wasn’t expecting an invite because I live far away or have a baby. I was expecting a day invite because I was invited to the hen do and have played a huge party in helping her plan the wedding. I thought hen do’s were supposed to be for your closest friends/family, so why wouldn’t you invite them to the wedding also? That’s what I don’t understand.

As I’ve already said, if the wedding was just immediate family and bridesmaids etc. I would understand, but it’s not, 80 people are going, neither side have huge families (which is why I am so close to her despite her being my husbands family and living so far away).

I may be in the minority, but I don't think hen do invite does equal whole day invite.

It's not convenient for you to go just for the evening, so I would decline.

The CF-ery comes in with regard to the signs. Tell her how much the materials have already cost and send her your bank details. Explain that it might be better to get the rest from someone else, as you're a bit snowed under with the kids. You didn't realise the deadline before, what with not knowing the date until now.

This is how I feel too. Not only that but as a said before I speak to her really regularly and I’ve actually helped her plan a lot of her wedding albeit without even knowing the venue and date lol. I kind of feel, that kind of conversation is reserved for the people you are closest too, in which case I would have thought that out of the 80 people coming to the day, that I would have been one of them, even if my husband wasn’t lol.

Knowing her like I do. I don’t think there would be much point in talking to her, as she won’t change her mind, but I will definitely have a word and let her know that I’m a bit upset about it. I don’t want to cause a huge fuss as I know from experience that planning a wedding is really stressful, so I don’t want to add to it but I do think it’s important she knows how I feel.

I know, the date thing is very strange. All I can say to explain it is she likes a big reveal and to be the centre of attention. I will probably end up getting a day invite in a months time when loads of people decline because they can’t get it off work due to such short notice 😂

I wouldn’t go to the hen or the reception.