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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Going on hen do but not invited to main wedding

508 replies

SantasComingToTown · 19/02/2024 14:00

Opinions please as I feel a bit put out….

As the title suggests I’m going on a hen do but my husband and I aren’t invited to the wedding, just the evening reception.

The hen is 3 days and has cost me £200. The Wedding was planned well before the hen do started to be arranged, but the bride (family) is very secretive so wouldn’t share the date or venue etc with anyone until the invites came out. We talk really regularly and the conversation for well over the last year has mainly been wedding based. I know she is having 80 people all day (more in the evening) so I wouldn’t say it’s a small wedding. She has also asked me to make loads of wedding signs and bits for her which I was happy to do (presuming I would be bringing them down with me to the wedding).

Now the invites have come through, we are only invited to the evening reception. We live 200 miles away and have a baby (wedding is baby free), it’s also on a weekday and both my husband and work the day of and the day after the wedding, so it’s going to be no mean feat to get there for what will be a few hours in reality.

AIBU to feel a bit put out about this? Why would you invite someone to your expensive hen do and then not even give the courtesy of a day time invite, especially when you know how far away they live. I would understand if they wedding was really small (30/40 people) but it’s not.

For context, we had the same size wedding and they were invited all day because we appreciated how long it was going to take them to get there and she also came on my hen do.

OP posts:
AliceOlive · 22/02/2024 18:12

“Oh, the rsvp date was Feb 10, 2024? I thought it must mean 2025 since we didn’t get the invitation until after that!”

PinkEasterbunny · 22/02/2024 18:13

She is being really cheeky!

SanctusInDistress · 22/02/2024 18:16

F@k the hen do! Make up an excuse.

BusyMummy001 · 22/02/2024 18:22

SantasComingToTown · 21/02/2024 19:27

In regards to what I am going to do….the plot has thickened ever so slightly!!! (Understatement)

Over the last couple of days, I had decided that despite how upset and annoyed I was, I will still go the hen do as actually I really do love everyone who is going, and I know I will still have a fantastic time, albeit bitter sweet as I won’t be celebrating the wedding with them. Although I would probably be within my rights to, I don’t want to cause a scene and add to the brides stress despite her causing it herself as I don’t want to sour the relationship with any other family members - and anyway Grandma I know has caused some trouble the last couple of days 😂so I think that’s probably enough for the bride and the rest of the family to deal with!! I think I’m just going to use it as a way to show I am the bigger person and a lesson learnt! In the future I will be alot more cautious when choosing to accept hen do invitiations and will definitely step back from my relationship with the bride after the event as I’m obviously not needed as much as she made out all these years!

That being said, the bride has been chasing for a response to the wedding invitation she sent. We went to decline the evening invite late last night (online rsvp system) once baby had finally settled and when we clicked on RSVP it said please respond by 10th February….

We only got the email invite last week! So either she forgot to send it to us originally OR we weren’t even first choice to the reception and as other people had declined she added us in there place! Either way it just adds insult to injury!!

Cant wait to call Grandma tomorrow on my day off and tell her about that. MIL is away at the minute so we haven’t found out when they received their invites yet, but will be very interested to know!!

Really hoping @SantasComingToTown that you have an update for us this evening? … And that you are going to blow her off for the hen do and go and have a lovely meal or something with your DH instead.

pleasehelpwi3 · 22/02/2024 18:30

Think the hen do is more fun than the wedding!

anchoviesanchovies · 22/02/2024 18:40

I would definitely turn down the evening invite, she’s totally out of order. I probably wouldn’t go to the hen do either but I can be petty…

I now feel fully invested in this story so please keep us posted!

thistimelastweek · 22/02/2024 19:24

Me too.

Really curious to hear the effect of angry Granny weighing in.

VanGoghsDog · 22/02/2024 20:20

I'm going to an expensive hen do in the summer and then only the evening do for the wedding. It never occured to me to be upset. Weddings are really boring.

Gwenhwyfar · 22/02/2024 20:36

betterangels · 19/02/2024 14:04

I wouldn't be going on a hen do if not invited to the wedding.

As happened to OP, you often don't know you're not invited to the wedding. Hen dos can happen way in advance these days.

Round3HereWeGo · 22/02/2024 20:57

I'm so invested now. I need an update OP! Did you speak to granny? Did she blow up? Have you RSVPd yet? Tell me!

tillytoodles1 · 22/02/2024 20:57

When my daughter got married she had a smallish wedding and invited 60 people all day, just family and close friends.

CoraPirbright · 22/02/2024 21:18

I can’t believe that the deadline was before you even received your (evening only) invitation! To me, that says that you weren’t even on the original guest list at all, but someone has dropped out. She is totally taking you for granted, the CF. I wouldn't even bother to reply and when she chases you, you can say “oh but I thought we were too late as the deadline for replying had passed. We have now made other plans on that date!”

LoctiteStuck · 22/02/2024 21:31

Unless it's a very close friend, I don't know why people get upset about not being invited to the church service really.

It's the sort of thing that used to bother me when I was younger - in a huffy entitled 'am I NOT GOOD ENOUGH??" way.

Now I'm older - I'd just think, been to enough church weddings, sat through enough hymns etc, it's all a bit the same, a bit boring really, I'd rather just go to a party.

The reception is the fun bit minus the boring, seen it all before bit.

Like I said, I'm battle scarred though! :)

nightmareXmas · 22/02/2024 22:27

@LoctiteStuck , and anyone else who hasn't RTFT, the OP and her DH are family and have known, and been close to the bride, for many years (since childhood in her DH's case). She has helped to organise the wedding and made signs and stationary. And yet it seems that 60 other people merit an invite to the full wedding ahead of her. Why would she not be upset?

usernamecopied · 22/02/2024 22:47

Dying to know updates for this thread.

I hope Granny really told her how it is!! The entitlement of the bride is ridiculous! As a fellow crafter who’s being taken advantage of constantly in the past I really wouldn’t be making her anything else and I probably wouldn’t give her what I’d made already, I’d be harnessing parts I can use elsewhere in other things.

WhistPie · 22/02/2024 23:06

tillytoodles1 · 22/02/2024 20:57

When my daughter got married she had a smallish wedding and invited 60 people all day, just family and close friends.

Your point is?

AprilFools2015 · 22/02/2024 23:32

People at my hen were my closest friends (one was Maid of honour) & family (sisters, mum, my aunt, my cousin)...Bridesmaids were my 2 sisters, my maid of honour (BFF) & another of our young cousins. We had around 70 at the wedding, everyone was invited to everything, though we did say no kids cos my mum's family is massive. Was an amazing day! No one was expected to spend unaffordable amount for hen & people still talk about how great the people they met at our wedding were (we came up with a fab seating plan).

Baba197 · 23/02/2024 00:47

YANBU she’s a user, rude and I’d be offended as well. I don’t get the point of evening dos anyway, you either want people there for the whole thing or not at all but I would feel very used by her and not bother with the hen do either

NoThanksymm · 23/02/2024 02:02

Maybe it’s a weird religious thing? Maybe they didn’t think you’d be interested in the ceremony? Or you’d have to work? Maybe they are restricted for the ceremony and not the night? Clearly they are strapped for cash if it’s a weekday!

don’t worry about it. Go if you want. Don’t be the ass that brings it up and further stresses the couple.

StarvingMarvin222 · 23/02/2024 06:55

I know she snubbed @SantasComingToTown but any idea why her own cousin was snubbed.
Was there a falling out that maybe the op doesn't know about.

Zonder · 23/02/2024 07:39

When is the wedding? Make sure when you respond to the invite you let her know you couldn't respond by the deadline as you hadn't received the half invite by then!

PopandFizz · 23/02/2024 07:45

I think YABU, its very common for people to go on the hen and stag and only be invited to the evening now.

You could very well be on the 'Bump up' list for evening guests that they'll invite to the full day once their great aunt says no or similar.

80 isn't that many people. It sounds it but it really isn't once you've invited family. All it takes is one of them to have a large family.

The hen do is about if you like them enough to celebrate with them, it's not a trade off for an invite.

Zonder · 23/02/2024 07:59

I think YABU, its very common for people to go on the hen and stag and only be invited to the evening now.

Reading most of the posts on here make it clear that it's not very common and most people are shocked about it. Especially given that the OP and DH are family of the bride.

Meagainnewname · 23/02/2024 08:12

SantasComingToTown · 19/02/2024 14:52

I said to my husband that she must know that us living this far away and only inviting us to the evening it’s unlikely we would come (especially with young children who can’t come too) so why invite me to the hen do. I’m wondering now if it was because she wanted the signs and to keep the costs down. That’s how I feel anyway. Shame really as despite the distance I would class her as a very good friend of mine as well as being family. I’ve known her since she was 16 years old, she’s late 20s now.

Show quote history

Confused, as you say she’s family yet you’ve only known her since she was 16?

I’ve been to hen parties before and never has it crossed my mind that because I’m going to the hen party I should have an invite to the actual wedding 🤣

BusyMummy001 · 23/02/2024 08:32

Meagainnewname · 23/02/2024 08:12

Confused, as you say she’s family yet you’ve only known her since she was 16?

I’ve been to hen parties before and never has it crossed my mind that because I’m going to the hen party I should have an invite to the actual wedding 🤣

Show quote history

For goodness sake… the bride is DH’s first cousin!! They ARE family - so it’s not just OP who has been snubbed but also the bride’s cousin, the DH. And that is aside from expecting free sign/deco making services that she couldn’t be bothered to come down to make, as originally arranged, or take them back.

And it is usual (as a former event manager) that when family, those helping with wedding planning and decs, those travelling a considerable way and required to incur child-care costs in order to attend (because the rest of the family is attending also, so cannot help with the grandkids) that you invite them to the whole day, regardless of whether they were also invited to your hen weekend event.