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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Going on hen do but not invited to main wedding

508 replies

SantasComingToTown · 19/02/2024 14:00

Opinions please as I feel a bit put out….

As the title suggests I’m going on a hen do but my husband and I aren’t invited to the wedding, just the evening reception.

The hen is 3 days and has cost me £200. The Wedding was planned well before the hen do started to be arranged, but the bride (family) is very secretive so wouldn’t share the date or venue etc with anyone until the invites came out. We talk really regularly and the conversation for well over the last year has mainly been wedding based. I know she is having 80 people all day (more in the evening) so I wouldn’t say it’s a small wedding. She has also asked me to make loads of wedding signs and bits for her which I was happy to do (presuming I would be bringing them down with me to the wedding).

Now the invites have come through, we are only invited to the evening reception. We live 200 miles away and have a baby (wedding is baby free), it’s also on a weekday and both my husband and work the day of and the day after the wedding, so it’s going to be no mean feat to get there for what will be a few hours in reality.

AIBU to feel a bit put out about this? Why would you invite someone to your expensive hen do and then not even give the courtesy of a day time invite, especially when you know how far away they live. I would understand if they wedding was really small (30/40 people) but it’s not.

For context, we had the same size wedding and they were invited all day because we appreciated how long it was going to take them to get there and she also came on my hen do.

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 19/02/2024 14:02

Just decline. Job done.

betterangels · 19/02/2024 14:04

I wouldn't be going on a hen do if not invited to the wedding.

Ariona · 19/02/2024 14:04

Yanbu, I would decline and pull out of the hen do too. She's happy to use you for doing wedding work and not even invite you to the whole day! Cheek of her.

nomchonge1 · 19/02/2024 14:05

I would also be put out by this and would subsequently decline the invite.

spanishviola · 19/02/2024 14:06

I wouldn’t go to either unless they were literally on my doorstep.

chiwwy · 19/02/2024 14:08

You’d be mad to go to the hen do or the evening do.

She is using you to look popular at her hen do and make you do the signs.

Decline the hen do, get a refund where you can or cut your losses. And don’t make the signs!

Dartmoorcheffy · 19/02/2024 14:09

Definitely not being unreasonable. I had a good friend once who was getting married. I was invited on the hen do. Luckily nothing too extravagant and then told myself and husband at the time (now ex) were only invited to the evening. A short time before the wedding she asked me to take photos during the day part, for free, as I would then be so lucky as I would be able to be at the whole thing... I declined.

daffodilesque · 19/02/2024 14:10

I wouldn't go to a £200 hen do whether I was invited to the wedding or not. Perhaps not the point here. But anyway you could decline the evening do invite if it's a hassle to get there.

Datafan55 · 19/02/2024 14:10

Any chance she's not invited you AS you are at work all day that and the next? Or that she is paying you for the signs?

atotalshambles · 19/02/2024 14:11

If it were me, I would definitely not go. it is too far and too complicated with a baby. I think that is being a bit of a CF to be honest. I would go to the hen but maybe afterwards excuse yourself from the big day. I think it will be so stressful and expensive for you and you will be really resentful if you go. I would think of a good excuse e.g. baby won't be left etc...

PossumintheHouse · 19/02/2024 14:11

When you say you’re making signs for her etc… do you run a business making that sort of thing? Are you doing it for free?
If so, she sounds like a totally grabby user. And a really cheeky one at that.

Lemsipper · 19/02/2024 14:12

Urm are you sure this isn’t a mistake?

Ihatethenewlook · 19/02/2024 14:12

This is cheeky af and things like this baffle me. Surely your hens are your best friends so you’d want them at your wedding? So is she your friend or not? Going to the hen party would irritate me, but absolutely no way would I be giving her all the signs and bits she’s asked you to do as a favour for the wedding! Can you talk to her about it?

Mystro202 · 19/02/2024 14:13

She is a CF who seems to think she can walk all over you. If you can get your money back on the hen I would tell her you can't make it . Would love to see her face 😅

2024theplot · 19/02/2024 14:13

I wouldn't go to the wedding with only being invited for the evening do and having to travel that far for it. I would then let the bride know that as you're not attending, she'd be better off looking for someone local to do the signs.
It's so rude to expect someone to pay for an expensive hen do and then not invite them to the wedding!

HaIlie · 19/02/2024 14:14

I personally think YABU. You are invited to the wedding as an evening guest. If you don't want to go to the hen don't go. I dont think you can expect a day invite just because you live far or have a baby, I dont think that's how invites work.

Galeforcewindatmywindow · 19/02/2024 14:14

You weren't even invited to the night time until they saw you had use for making them stuff... Stay home and keep your stuff.. Skip the hen do also.

Parentingistoughas · 19/02/2024 14:14

I had this with a close friend but they literally only had family to the ceremony itself as they were on a budget. The hen was also on a budget and was an evening out.

Personally I wouldn’t give up my time or money in your situation. Too much time and money to invest for an evening invite.

PastorCarrBonarra · 19/02/2024 14:15

Too much hassle, too much money. Withdraw from both.

Ihatethenewlook · 19/02/2024 14:16

Dartmoorcheffy · 19/02/2024 14:09

Definitely not being unreasonable. I had a good friend once who was getting married. I was invited on the hen do. Luckily nothing too extravagant and then told myself and husband at the time (now ex) were only invited to the evening. A short time before the wedding she asked me to take photos during the day part, for free, as I would then be so lucky as I would be able to be at the whole thing... I declined.

Im so sorry to say the absolute audacity of that made me laugh 😱 😂😂 cheeky fucking mare!!!

Original poster
SantasComingToTown · 19/02/2024 14:34

Datafan55 · 19/02/2024 14:10

Any chance she's not invited you AS you are at work all day that and the next? Or that she is paying you for the signs?

No, I don’t think our work has anything to do with it. I’ve been asking for ages for the exact date so we could book the day off work in advance, but she’s been very secretive with everyone about it. I know a lot of people have got annoyed because they need to book the time off work and she hasn’t given the date, so it’s not aimed just at us. And nope, not paying for the signs either, she was originally going to come up to me and make them with me as a pre wedding craft session type thing, but said she couldn’t get the time off work because she’s used her holiday for wedding and hen do, which I understood at the time.

Now I just think she’s being really rude!

OP posts:
Original poster
SantasComingToTown · 19/02/2024 14:37

Dartmoorcheffy · 19/02/2024 14:09

Definitely not being unreasonable. I had a good friend once who was getting married. I was invited on the hen do. Luckily nothing too extravagant and then told myself and husband at the time (now ex) were only invited to the evening. A short time before the wedding she asked me to take photos during the day part, for free, as I would then be so lucky as I would be able to be at the whole thing... I declined.

Good Grief! And I thought my situation was bad. What a cheeky mare! I really do feel weddings either bring out the best in people or the worst. I know the day is all about the bride and groom and you can sometimes get tunnel vision when planning things, but some people forget that without their family and friends, the wedding would be a very lonely affair!

OP posts:
FirstTimeMum887 · 19/02/2024 14:37

I'd withdraw from the hen do and not go to the wedding. She's so unreasonable, there is no way to resolve this. Keeping the date a secret? Wtf?

slamskunk · 19/02/2024 14:37

Decline

Mazuslongtoenail · 19/02/2024 14:37

Obviously in your case the logistics of the distance is an issue but regarding all the people who are really offended about going to the hen do but not the wedding - I’d be made up to only be invited to the hen.