Going on hen do but not invited to main wedding

[SantasComingToTown]

Opinions please as I feel a bit put out….

As the title suggests I’m going on a hen do but my husband and I aren’t invited to the wedding, just the evening reception.

The hen is 3 days and has cost me £200. The Wedding was planned well before the hen do started to be arranged, but the bride (family) is very secretive so wouldn’t share the date or venue etc with anyone until the invites came out. We talk really regularly and the conversation for well over the last year has mainly been wedding based. I know she is having 80 people all day (more in the evening) so I wouldn’t say it’s a small wedding. She has also asked me to make loads of wedding signs and bits for her which I was happy to do (presuming I would be bringing them down with me to the wedding).

Now the invites have come through, we are only invited to the evening reception. We live 200 miles away and have a baby (wedding is baby free), it’s also on a weekday and both my husband and work the day of and the day after the wedding, so it’s going to be no mean feat to get there for what will be a few hours in reality.

AIBU to feel a bit put out about this? Why would you invite someone to your expensive hen do and then not even give the courtesy of a day time invite, especially when you know how far away they live. I would understand if they wedding was really small (30/40 people) but it’s not.

For context, we had the same size wedding and they were invited all day because we appreciated how long it was going to take them to get there and she also came on my hen do.

I definitely wouldn’t give her any signs and I wouldn’t go to the hen do or evening reception and just write off whatever money has already been spent . Shame on her

Horrible for you, OP. I was invited to a hen do but not the wedding at all once. It was clearly to make up numbers for the hen. No thanks. But to have been involved in the planning and producing signs, as you have, is so much worse. You're not overreacting.

Can you get your hen do money back?

YANBU Decline. Logistics alone makes it difficult to attend and I’m sorry but evening invites are just unnecessary.

Sometimes I have a problem with these DIY weddings, because often keeping the price down involves downright taking advantage of family and friends. Chances are she thought you’d excuse her rudeness for the honour of being invited to the hen.

I don't think there's a problem with being invited to the hen do and the evening reception, but I do think there's a problem with being asked to help with things for the wedding and not have an invite to the whole thing - that's definitely unreasonable.

Mind you, that aside I would have declined an invite to a wedding 200 miles away that I can't take my baby to - it's just not practical.

Yes basically and this is how I feel. God I am so glad other people feel the same as me. I honestly felt awful after having a right rant to my husband about it over the weekend, and also awful that 4 days later I’m still so annoyed i felt the need to post about it on here!

I doubt the hen is refundable. Her sister is organising so all the money has gone to here, don’t even have the exact location for that either as that has to be a big surprise too! . I know the town and we are staying in an air b&m buts that it. No idea what type of place we are staying, what any of the activities are. I’ve only paid half so far, which is still £100 but at the same time I could just cut and run now, which I really am considering, as I also have to pay to get there myself (literally other side of the country) because they haven’t arranged any transport from where they live.

I have been invited to hen dos and the wedding evening but not the day.
It’s never bothered me but then I don’t like weddings. I think in your situation I’d be annoyed because you invited them to your wedding day and they haven’t reciprocated. For that reason I’d decline the wedding invite and make up an excuse as to why you can’t attend. I’d go to the hen do though because it would suit me to do so 🤣.

I have no idea, probably about £50 by the time I’m done. To be honest I was considering giving her that as a wedding gift instead of cash towards the honeymoon, but we haven’t made our mind up on that yet.

I always thought close friends went on hen do and obv be at the wedding ?

Sounds too hard with travel distance evening hotel childcare

Not giving people the date or location is insane

She didn’t tell anyone the date or venue because she knew she is breaking etiquette by asking you to do all of these things but not inviting you and she didn’t want people making plans/booking accommodation.

You poor thing! I’m genuinely really sorry to hear that happened to you. Some people are such assholes!

I would willingly pay £100 not to go to that hen. I bet it will be awkward and packed with drama. All the secrecy on top of her using you for your skills and experience. No way.

That's so rude.

I would pull out of the hen. If you have to pay another £100 to cover committed costs then there won't be able to be any nasty backchat on you dropping others in it. But definitely bill her for the signs before you buy the materials, if you still do them. And you'll save on meals, transport etc.

I think for me, it’s the not being up front that has annoyed me. We went down to see her last year (well after wedding and hen had been booked) and all we talked about was wedding plans, her saying she couldn’t wait for me to see her dress on the day and that I would love the venue as it was my kind of place. If she had of said at that point, at least I would have been aware, but I feel like I’ve been strung along and then let down at the last minute.

Send the rsvp soon declining.
And then another one when the inevitable "people who received full day invitations have dropped out, so as a second thought, you're invited all day" one arrives.

The problem with weddings is, no matter how reasonable you’re being (and imo very reasonable response to say thanks but no thanks to an evening invite) the bride is likely to have already lost her head in the wedding planning process and will likely react unreasonably!

Personally, I’d go to hen-do and enjoy it at face value, your opportunity to celebrate an upcoming wedding of a friend. Then I’d decline the wedding itself as the evening is really neither here nor there, and politely decline to make the signs as it would be difficult for you to get them to her if you’re not part of the day.

I would decline. Presumably you would need to get childcare and an overnight stay which would add to the cost.

Because I didn’t realise at the time the hen do was booked, I wasn’t invited to the wedding….

She came to my hen do and wedding, we are very close (or so I thought), I’ve been helping her plan the wedding from the start and she asked me to make her some wedding stationary. I had no reason to think I wouldn’t be invited to the wedding. If I had of known, I may have felt different about it, but it’s been booked for over a year now and she only send the invites out last week.

That's a good point about the possibility of an upgrade. I was eventually offered a wedding invitation when numbers allowed. I didn't want to go, and it all felt a bit grubby by then.

Don't go

You're just making up the numbers

In all honesty I have no idea 😂, she’s the first person I have ever known to not tell people the wedding date. Even her nanny wasn’t told (was literally parents, sister and bridesmaid). She does love a big reveal and loves being centre of attention. She has a Instagram with a couple of thousand followers so I think she wanted to make a big announcement on there. I’m honestly just clutching at straws here, she’s never explained it to me lol.

As a former wedding manager, this is a major No No.

The ONLY time you invite people on the hen do and not to the wedding are:
a) when they are invited to the hen do only as a plus one for one of your other guests (lets say you have a friend who doesn't know anyone else so you offer them the option to bring someone along)
b) when you are only having a very small wedding or a family only wedding
c) when you make it very clear to people BEFORE the hen do is planned that they aren't invited/only invited to the evening do.
d) you know that they won't be able to come to the wedding at all but they otherwise would have had an invite (ie they will be in a different country/will be at work and have no chance of taking the time off/have surgery etc).

Otherwise it comes across as if you're just trying to pad out the numbers for the hen do so you can either do an activity you otherwise couldn't (ie something with a minimum number) or like you are trying to look/feel more popular.

OP you are well within your right here to decline the invite to both the hen do and the wedding. In fact, I personally would.

Even if we look at it in a transactional way, everyone you invite on the hen do (bar the list above) should be people you are paying for at the wedding as you're expecting them to pay out for you. If you expect someone to shell out a few hundred to attend a hen do and you aren't prepared to cover the cost for them to attend your wedding, it makes you look very self centred.

Exactly. And I wouldn’t be sending anything I’d made either, let her drive hundreds of miles to collect it and see how she likes it.

I would cut my losses and lose the £100, rather than throw more time and money at someone who doesn’t value your friendship as much as you thought they did.

It doe seem you are completely correct with your assumption here!

Yes exactly, I’ve been there and I know she will be stressing about it so I don’t want to add to her stress by causing a fuss.

Thanks for your advice, I have to be honest, I am undecided on the hen do at the minute, but the evening invite just isn’t going to work for us unfortunately. I’ll see how she reacts to us declining that first and if she is unreasonable then I’ll decline the hen as well!