Page 6 | Going on hen do but not invited to main wedding

SantasComingToTown · 2024-02-19T14:00:15+00:00

Opinions please as I feel a bit put out…. As the title suggests I’m going on a hen do but my husband and I aren’t invited to the wedding, just the evening reception. The hen is 3 days and has cost me £200. The Wedding was planned well before the hen do started to be arranged, but the bride (family) is very secretive so wouldn’t share the date or venue etc with anyone until the invites came out. We talk really regularly and the conversation for well over the last year has mainly been wedding based. I know she is having 80 people all day (more in the evening) so I wouldn’t say it’s a small wedding. She has also asked me to make loads of wedding signs and bits for her which I was happy to do (presuming I would be bringing them down with me to the wedding). Now the invites have come through, we are only invited to the evening reception. We live 200 miles away and have a baby (wedding is baby free), it’s also on a weekday and both my husband and work the day of and the day after the wedding, so it’s going to be no mean feat to get there for what will be a few hours in reality. AIBU to feel a bit put out about this? Why would you invite someone to your expensive hen do and then not even give the courtesy of a day time invite, especially when you know how far away they live. I would understand if they wedding was really small (30/40 people) but it’s not. For context, we had the same size wedding and they were invited all day because we appreciated how long it was going to take them to get there and she also came on my hen do.

Thriving30 · 19/02/2024 18:07

I'd decline both.

ThisSideOfTheLight · 19/02/2024 18:11

Write off the 100 pounds and cancel OP. Use the lovely signs as promotional props/marketing pics for when you set up your side business!

You are no doubt being used for your skills and to make up numbers on the hen weekend. She clearly doesn't see you as the friends you thought you were. Save yourself the hassle and further expense by not going to either.

DuploTrain · 19/02/2024 18:12

Have you already made the signs etc? If I were you my cricut machine might mysteriously break.

diddl · 19/02/2024 18:13

I think a lot of people wouldn't accept a three day hen do in any circumstances tbh.

Sounds as if she has been very sneaky!

Can you afford to lose the money?

If not would you enjoy the hen?

I wouldn't be attending the evening do whatever I decided about the hen!

HollyKnight · 19/02/2024 18:21

I agree with others. It definitely sounds like she has been misleading you intentionally so she can use you to her benefit here. I would pull out of all of it, to be honest. I don't appreciate being used. Friends don't do that to friends.

Purplecatshopaholic · 19/02/2024 18:33

I agree with others, she’s a major CF. I wouldn’t be going to the hen, or helping out/making things for it, no way. I’d be declining her generous evening invitation and telling her to F off frankly, she’s not a real friend op.

Meggie2008 · 19/02/2024 18:35

This thread is giving me absolute anxiety. I'm getting married next year and was going to invite the ladies from my reception to my hen night as it's mostly family going to the full day.
I'm now wary in case this somehow offended them...

For what it's worth, I see nothing wrong with the hen do/reception situation, but the making signage etc is a bit rich

Abeona · 19/02/2024 18:38

Ooof, OP, looks like you can dodge this bullet. I'd assume that because you're so far away and have a child she's working on the assumption that you won't be able to go, midweek, to the evening do. Sadly I guess you've been invited to the hen do in order to make up the numbers and so she can string you along to make things for her for free. Not the way a friend behaves.

Original poster

SantasComingToTown · 19/02/2024 18:43

SweetBirdsong · 19/02/2024 16:47

LOL what a cheeky fecker! Treating you like a wedding planner and then not inviting you to the wedding. Only the 'night do.' The part that you invite work colleagues and acquaintances to, (and people you are not close to.) You are close enough/friendly enough to help with the wedding preparation, but not to be invited to the wedding. I could not come back from this tbh.

I had a 'friend' many years ago, who I had been mates with for about 15 years since 'little' school. We dated men together - best mates and brothers, so we went out as a foursome - and went on holiday together a few times. Even lived together for a short spell in another part of the country. Went pubbing and clubbing 2 or 3 times a month when we hit 18-19. Bought each other gifts for Christmas, and had a great laugh when we were together.

She announced one day she was getting married in 5 months - and she didn't invite me. I was gobsmacked as we were really good friends. She chatted about it excitedly, and about the bridesmaids dresses (there were 6 of them, 2 nieces, 2 sisters, and 2 friends,) and it was at the Church 3 miles from where we she lived, and 5 miles from me ... (we lived 2 miles apart.)

Not a single mention of me going at ALL. And NO INVITATION.

And I was not going to ask.

To add insult to injury, she asked me if I wanted to go for a drink the week before the wedding - it was actually 10 days before. We went to a pub 10 miles away. Taxi there and back. No mention of any hen party. Said she wasn't fussed when I asked her.

So the wedding went ahead and I was excluded.

3 weeks after, I discovered from a work colleague of hers, that she had had a hen party, the week before the wedding. 3 days after we had gone out for a drink together. Around 30 women invited. All went to a nightclub (in a coach she had hired) 25 miles away - in the city. They all had a meal together first in a big Chinese restaurant, and then went on to the club after.

I was so hurt and upset and embarrassed. And to this say, I do not know why she excluded me. Not only from the wedding, but the hen party too.

I never asked her. And I never spoke to her again. I didn't return her messages when she contacted me 3 or 4 times over a few weeks, and I moved away a few months after, and didn't give her a forwarding address. She could have asked my parents where I was, but she didn't. Never spoke to her again. Saw her a few times in passing a year or so later, and we both ignored each other.

Weirdest thing ever. Still stings a bit. Even after 30+ years

Sorry this happened to you! People can be so very strange and unkind!

I feel the same about wedding receptions re who you invite, unless you are having a tiny wedding or abroad and then having a big party for everyone else later.

OP posts:

Original poster

SantasComingToTown · 19/02/2024 18:45

Whatineed · 19/02/2024 17:08

Do you think you're invited to the hen do because you'll deliver the signage stuff up then, at your cost, whilst paying to be there? 🤔

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Oh god, well I didn’t originally but no I do! 😆I’m trying to find the funny side of it, because otherwise I think I would cry!

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HollyKnight · 19/02/2024 18:46

Meggie2008 · 19/02/2024 18:35

This thread is giving me absolute anxiety. I'm getting married next year and was going to invite the ladies from my reception to my hen night as it's mostly family going to the full day.
I'm now wary in case this somehow offended them...

For what it's worth, I see nothing wrong with the hen do/reception situation, but the making signage etc is a bit rich

Unless you are paying for all the costs involved in the hen do, be weary about asking people - who you don't deem important enough to invite to your wedding - to spend money on your hen do.

BlueGrey1 · 19/02/2024 18:47

I would never accept an invite to the afters of a wedding, if I’m not good enough friends to be invited to the whole day then it say a lot
Inviting people to the afters is insulting ….I thought people had even stopped doing it….it’s the whole day or nothing

Original poster

SantasComingToTown · 19/02/2024 18:48

EmilyTjP · 19/02/2024 17:22

I always post on these threads because this happened to me. I spent roughly a thousand pounds in total on a hen weekend abroad and then wasn’t invited to the wedding. I bitterly regret going to the hen. Please don’t be a mug like I was.

Bless you @EmilyTjP. I honestly don’t know what goes through peoples minds when they do things like this and think it’s acceptable or a good idea. How self centered do you have to be, to not realise that is out of order?!

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Ponderingwindow · 19/02/2024 18:49

I would cut your losses on the hen. It’s going to be much more than an additional 100.

dont make her signs. I make things and the supplies are not cheap. Your time is also valuable. That is why I don’t sell anything, because I won’t work for the wage the market will provide for most handmade work.

Original poster

SantasComingToTown · 19/02/2024 18:51

Jk987 · 19/02/2024 17:31

If you hen do is going to be good fun with nice people I'd go to that, wish her well but skip the wedding.

I think it would be fun as a few of my husbands family are going and I get on with his family really well. I think it’s just going to be such a strange feeling to be on a hen do, where everyone will be talking about a wedding I’m not invited too. For me the reception is just a party, all the emotion of the day has gone by that point, all the family photographs have been taken. As far as I am aware everyone else on the hen do will be there all day so I will literally be the only one not going.

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Original poster

SantasComingToTown · 19/02/2024 19:00

Romeiswheretheheartis · 19/02/2024 17:47

OP, you've said the wedding is baby free, so maybe she's assumed - without checking with you - that you can't go because of your baby. If she'd invited you, what would you have done about your baby?

Well her sister has just given birth so to be honest I did incorrectly presume that kids (babies under 1) would be invited as we were both pregnant all throughout the main wedding plans going on. That being said we did have a back up plan if they weren’t and we were going to leave baby with some other close friends who live down there (my husband is originally from another part of the country so he has close family friends there). Then we were going to take it in turns to leave the venue to check on the baby if they needed anything and then call it a day and leave the wedding at 8pm ish after first dance. Although we didn’t know exactly where the venue was because she wouldn’t tell anyone, we had a pretty good idea because of some things she had told me when planning so we knew it wouldn’t have been too far to leave and come back (15 mins each way).

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PyongyangKipperbang · 19/02/2024 19:07

To be honest, and no judgment but I am puzzled that you didnt see this coming.

Instaperfect, likes a big reveal, likes to be centre of attention and then pulls a stunt like this! It was inevitable. The next thing would be a dress/colour code for the hen so it works for her Instafeed, there probably already is a dress code for the day guests for the wedding.

Tell her to stuff it. You are not a friend, you are an unpaid extra in the film of her life.

Original poster

SantasComingToTown · 19/02/2024 19:08

DuploTrain · 19/02/2024 18:12

Have you already made the signs etc? If I were you my cricut machine might mysteriously break.

I’ve made the smaller ones already (table numbers, signs for the guest book table etc) as I already had the supplies to do those. The big welcome signs and seating plan I haven’t made, and I haven’t done any of the place settings or cake topper either, which are all the expensive ones to buy on Etsy etc. Not sure if you have read all of the thread, but she kept the exact date and venue a secret until the invites came out last week, so all of the pieces I haven’t made had details on that I didn’t know, and obviously place cards and seating plan can’t be done until she knows who is going.

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PyongyangKipperbang · 19/02/2024 19:10

SantasComingToTown · 19/02/2024 19:08

I’ve made the smaller ones already (table numbers, signs for the guest book table etc) as I already had the supplies to do those. The big welcome signs and seating plan I haven’t made, and I haven’t done any of the place settings or cake topper either, which are all the expensive ones to buy on Etsy etc. Not sure if you have read all of the thread, but she kept the exact date and venue a secret until the invites came out last week, so all of the pieces I haven’t made had details on that I didn’t know, and obviously place cards and seating plan can’t be done until she knows who is going.

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I wouldnt worry about the seating plan, cos at this rate it will be her, the groom, the parents the sister and the bridesmaid! They can have a table each!

Original poster

SantasComingToTown · 19/02/2024 19:12

Abeona · 19/02/2024 18:38

Ooof, OP, looks like you can dodge this bullet. I'd assume that because you're so far away and have a child she's working on the assumption that you won't be able to go, midweek, to the evening do. Sadly I guess you've been invited to the hen do in order to make up the numbers and so she can string you along to make things for her for free. Not the way a friend behaves.

Yes this is exactly how I feel. I can’t see why anyone with any common sense would think that someone with a young baby would travel 200 miles on a week night for what is effectively a night out. I said to my husband that I think we just got this invite just so their Grandma didn’t hit the absolute roof because she hadn’t invited us at all.

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BrokenWing · 19/02/2024 19:12

Absolutely fine to be invited to the hen and not the full wedding.

Hens tend to be more friends based and weddings more weighted towards family. It is not unusual in my circle, and I went to many hens and evening receptions only, especially when I was younger (20s-30s), and never expected an invite or once took offence if I never got one.

You can decline either or both if the cost, logistics don't suit you.

The only thing the bride has possibly done wrong is not let you know earlier she had space restrictions and you were not invited to the full day, but you also should not have assumed.

Alwaystired23 · 19/02/2024 19:15

SantasComingToTown · 19/02/2024 19:08

I’ve made the smaller ones already (table numbers, signs for the guest book table etc) as I already had the supplies to do those. The big welcome signs and seating plan I haven’t made, and I haven’t done any of the place settings or cake topper either, which are all the expensive ones to buy on Etsy etc. Not sure if you have read all of the thread, but she kept the exact date and venue a secret until the invites came out last week, so all of the pieces I haven’t made had details on that I didn’t know, and obviously place cards and seating plan can’t be done until she knows who is going.

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This thread keeps getting worse. So she expects you to make all those signs for free, plus the table plan and place settings and cake topper!! A table plan and name places, just minus your name!! Fuck me, she's a proper CF. Is she a relative? Is there no one to talk sense into her? I would be livid if my dc grew up to treat people like this!! I wouldn't be doing it. No way. Not unless you have mug tattooed across your forehead. And you have a baby too? So you're probably trying to fit in making all these signs in between looking after a baby?

Original poster

SantasComingToTown · 19/02/2024 19:15

Meggie2008 · 19/02/2024 18:35

This thread is giving me absolute anxiety. I'm getting married next year and was going to invite the ladies from my reception to my hen night as it's mostly family going to the full day.
I'm now wary in case this somehow offended them...

For what it's worth, I see nothing wrong with the hen do/reception situation, but the making signage etc is a bit rich

Sorry if it’s made you feel like that. As the OP on this, all I would say is, just be up front with your guests from the start and explain that you are only having a small wedding with family and close friends to the service, so they will be invited to the evening. However you would love them to be part of the hen if they want too. That way at least they can make their mind up.

Not sure what you are planning on doing, but maybe don’t make them spend £200 on it either lol.

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PyongyangKipperbang · 19/02/2024 19:17

So she is your husbands cousin as well as your friend?

So it is a family wedding, yet your babe in arms is not invited, you are second tier AND you get to help create the Instawedding photos?

Tell her to triple stuff it.

Alwaystired23 · 19/02/2024 19:17

BrokenWing · 19/02/2024 19:12

Absolutely fine to be invited to the hen and not the full wedding.

Hens tend to be more friends based and weddings more weighted towards family. It is not unusual in my circle, and I went to many hens and evening receptions only, especially when I was younger (20s-30s), and never expected an invite or once took offence if I never got one.

You can decline either or both if the cost, logistics don't suit you.

The only thing the bride has possibly done wrong is not let you know earlier she had space restrictions and you were not invited to the full day, but you also should not have assumed.

OP is in the brides family as well, though?