Going on hen do but not invited to main wedding

[SantasComingToTown]

Opinions please as I feel a bit put out….

As the title suggests I’m going on a hen do but my husband and I aren’t invited to the wedding, just the evening reception.

The hen is 3 days and has cost me £200. The Wedding was planned well before the hen do started to be arranged, but the bride (family) is very secretive so wouldn’t share the date or venue etc with anyone until the invites came out. We talk really regularly and the conversation for well over the last year has mainly been wedding based. I know she is having 80 people all day (more in the evening) so I wouldn’t say it’s a small wedding. She has also asked me to make loads of wedding signs and bits for her which I was happy to do (presuming I would be bringing them down with me to the wedding).

Now the invites have come through, we are only invited to the evening reception. We live 200 miles away and have a baby (wedding is baby free), it’s also on a weekday and both my husband and work the day of and the day after the wedding, so it’s going to be no mean feat to get there for what will be a few hours in reality.

AIBU to feel a bit put out about this? Why would you invite someone to your expensive hen do and then not even give the courtesy of a day time invite, especially when you know how far away they live. I would understand if they wedding was really small (30/40 people) but it’s not.

For context, we had the same size wedding and they were invited all day because we appreciated how long it was going to take them to get there and she also came on my hen do.

Ha! You know we’re right! 😆

Okay, but surely you let your guests decide that for themselves????

I'd understand inviting someone to the hen do but not the wedding if the wedding was a small wedding.
It seems rude to invite to the hen do and only the evening part of a big wedding.

Really? And the other 80 guests don’t have to work?

Sorry op, we’re with you on this. You have reason to feel emotional. It’s never a nice feeling when we realize we’re being used 🙁

I was trying to see the best in the situation here, @IReallyStillCantBeBothered @thebestinterest

I’d be absolutely mortified to invite someone to a hen do and not the main wedding. You should absolutely decline the hen.

I would decline. It’s going to be such a faff and expense for a few hours.

I think it’s a strange decision on their part.

This. Do this. Decline both and don't do the unpaid labour of making "signs", for gher, which is cheeky fuckery on her part.

I always post on these threads because this happened to me. I spent roughly a thousand pounds in total on a hen weekend abroad and then wasn’t invited to the wedding. I bitterly regret going to the hen. Please don’t be a mug like I was.

That’s really bad manners on her part.

I'd be very unhappy with that. I wouldn't go to either.
If you can cancel the hen do and get your £200 back, then do!

I agree. Hen do you either go to or not, but asking you to make stuff is a little cheekier.

If you hen do is going to be good fun with nice people I'd go to that, wish her well but skip the wedding.

I had a small wedding (12 people) and a spa weekend hen. I made it clear to hen invitees that they wouldn't be at the wedding as it was close family only and also worded the hen invite informally as I'd love you to join me if it appeals to you but if you can't make it or don't fancy it then no worries.

More people at the hen than the wedding!

I'd never do that without making it all clear first!

She really doesn’t value the friendship does she?!
I’d honestly decline both OP, she’s using you in a very blatant way assuming that you’ll just play along.
Your husband is completely right!

That would be so kind of her isn’t it, deciding the person who has been there for her, spending money in time on her wedding preparation should not attend because god forbids, she has work to do… as everyone else would do!

My bet is that she doesn’t want OP during the day because of the baby. But even so, you don’t ask people to help with the wedding or spend hundreds on hen do’s if you don’t want them to attend.

op, cancel and throw the signs away, with the money she is saving by not inviting you, she can pay someone to make and deliver the bloody signs and you can have a lovely weekend away with your family without feeling the bride is taking the mickey.

I think it’s more that OP is forking out for the hen do rather than living far away.

I’d not go to the wedding.

My rule is I’ll go to local weddings as an evening guest. But if we get an evening invite for somewhere far away where we’d have to stay over night I politely decline.

I invited mostly the same people to day and evening. I think it's horrible to leave people out but that said we had street food not a sit down meal. I would not be arsed to go now tbh

I wouldn’t attend the hen or the evening do and the cheeky mare can whistle for the bloody signs.

OP, you've said the wedding is baby free, so maybe she's assumed - without checking with you - that you can't go because of your baby. If she'd invited you, what would you have done about your baby?

I’d sack the lot off tbh.
You might be £100 down but how much would you spend on travel, food, drinks etc on the hen do? Plus you would spend the entire time resenting her, so it probably wouldn’t be fun anyway.

I had this once but tbh I knew I had only been invited on the hen do to make up numbers. I wasn't that close to the bride but was to a lot of the other hens so really just treated it as a fun weekend away with a load of mates (albeit with the obligatory cringey penis straws and male strippers etc haha). The evening do was also basically just a big party.

HOWEVER, I knew exactly where I stood and there was no expectation of help with wedding bits, and as I say I really wasn't that close to the bride. In your situation I'd be really upset. Can you at least ask about a refund on the hen do? Say something unavoidable has come up? If not I'd go, treat it as a weekend away with friends and give the wedding evening do a swerve. Definitely don't be doing her any more favours regarding prep for the wedding! And maybe just take a step back from the friendship. I know it's horrible when you realise someone doesn't see you as being as close a friend as you thought ☹️

This.