I lent a man money, now he's treating me like crap

[villainorigin]

I'm not concerned he won't pay me back. That part isn't an issue. I know him well and I know all his friends and family,

However, he was all sweetness and light up and keeping in touch many times a day up to the point where he asked to borrow it. I said yes. Since then he's treated me like an after thought. Barely in touch, business-only when we do talk, etc.

I need to do/say SOMETHING about this behaviour as it's outrageous and I don't want to tolerate being treated so badly.

I didn't actually give him money, I bought something on his behalf that I could still cancel, and extreme end of the scale is to cancel it and tell him to go F himself, but we know a lot of the same people and it would be complicated.

I need a more reasonable way to not look like a complete walkover here. I don't want to just let it lie.

If anyone has any advice on what I could say to him to make him know I've clocked into his game, I'd be really grateful.

(Please please don't use the thread to berate me for lending him money etc, that part I have now worked out for myself! Getting it back isn't my worry. My self respect and having him think I haven't noticed, is my worry!)

Shame on him. He should pay for it himself, not manipulate you into buying something for him. You definitely don't need someone like that in your life. I've learned that the hard way.

@Saltandpeppero you deserve a medal for patiently re explaining that if she cancels now she’ll get less than a 3rd of her money back whereas if she pursues it from him mid March there’s still a chance she’ll get all her money back..
OP I’m glad it’s not a life changing sum. It might be interesting to check if he has any county court judgements against him. It costs a few £s but could be interesting, if he has that’s a strong indication that as a contractor he has messed clients about and is even more of a wrong un than he appears already.
https://www.trustonline.org.uk/?gad_source=1&gclid=CjwKCAiAlcyuBhBnEiwAOGZ2S3CMFHSRxAZ8N9_gW5VU8EFPZnx1AqAuP-fU8P2kJR8iVKVfNl-4YhoC-zUQAvD_BwE

Please cancel it.... You've been used (and abused).

And please don't let the worry of looking bad put you off. Presumably that's what he's banking on.

Hard lesson learned OP. I hope for your sake he does pay you back, but I won’t hold my breath.

Cancel it and block him. Write the 70% (210 pounds) off as lessons learnt.

You won't get your money back. Not sure why you would even consider that as a possibility when he has treated you so badly. Why tie yourself to him for even a second longer. Just cut ties, cut losses and move on.

Sorry your trust was broken but I think it is worthwhile working on your boundaries.

change to "was"dating,albeit NOT ANYMORE
Cancel.
its YOUR self respect.So do not let him take any of it.
if you have to-stick to his got what wanted minimum/business chat. he did it.not you.move on.unscathed

Yes, this 100%

How long since he has been in touch?

have you met him / slept with him since you bought him the service?

You won't be seeing that money again. I don't know why you are so confident you'll get it back.
I would be tempted to take the hit and cancel the bloody thing and at least get a third of it back and make a point to him in the process.

And don't lend people money. I'm not berating you at all. I know some people do lend other people money. I don't understand why they do it, plenty of people do. I don't lend anyone any money ever. It never ends well.

Get your money. Finish with

Since then he's treated me like an after thought. Barely in touch, business-only when we do talk, etc.

I didn't actually give him money, I bought something on his behalf that I could still cancel, and extreme end of the scale is to cancel it and tell him to go F himself, but we know a lot of the same people and it would be complicated.

This man is not worried about what your mutual friends might think about the fact that he’s treating you like shit so why should you care about what your friends think? So what if he spins the narrative that you cancelled the order because “he stopped speaking to you for a couple of days”? Your response will be “Yes, I felt incredibly used. He was sweetness and light and then started treating me like shit and ignoring me once he had what he wanted. I’m not that girl so I cancelled the order 🤷‍♀️”

Unless you have something in writing you wont see that money in March - and even if it's in writing you'll probably have to sue to get it back.

He's cooled off as he has what he wants and in March he's going to be telling his friends and family you've made this up because you've dumped him.

Dont pay out another penny on him.

The supplier may have told you that you can only get 30% back, but the bank may have another view. I had to chargeback a membership to a gym taken off my card over a number of months. It wasn't authorised by me, given the circumstances. I would have a word with bank staff about doing chargeback or indemnity reversal. You can say you were misled by the man at the point of agreeing to pay this sum, and now see that you have been financially abused. I would also send him a text stating what is owed and that you require it back by set date to meet your own financial obligations. You could take him to small claims court, as he won't want a CCJ on his credit file over this. I would not care what narrative he spins. Frankly, he is a loser and has shown his true colours in how he is treating you. I would also go back to the supplier you have made a payment to, and ask for a copy of the contract. Read the terms and conditions carefully as there maybe something helpful in there, such as not allowing third-party payments. I run a holiday rental business, and my contract with guests prevents third parties who are not staying to pay me, or make bookings. This prevents all sorts of criminal activity, damages and subletting drama.

Then string him along for a few more weeks, he pays you back, suggest you go for a nice very expensive meal together and leave him to pay the bill.
Then block him.

Can you keep or rebook the service to get it yourself or agree to transfer it to him once he repays you

why can't you just speak to him?

Cancel ffs cancel
and ditch him

why is everyone so convinced that he definitely won't repay?
why is the OP so convinced that he definitely will?

OP: do you already have something in writing to confirm this, with an actual date? (not something vague like "mid March")?!

the service you've paid for: is it something that continues being useful to him after mid-March? (eg a subscription that lasts a whole year) so if he fails to repay you on the agreed date, you can cancel it at that point and get at least £90 of your money back? (and leave him without) or will the amount you can get back fall to £0 before then?

you say you have lots of mutual friends etc. and/or are you in contact with members of his family? can you approach any of them when you reach the repayment date, and explain that "Adrian borrowed this money from me, and is obviously embarrassed about not being able to repay me on time, but I can't afford to subsidise his failing business - can you lend him the money he needs to repay me?" and see how that goes?!

why is everyone so convinced that he definitely won't repay?
why is the OP so convinced that he definitely will?

Why is 300 quid taking up so much headspace?

He doesn't sound very nice. I would cancel the item and let him know that his behavior towards you is unacceptable and that is why you are canceling whatever it is. I would also add that dating him is no longer something you are interested in doing. Then block.

Just because I am this way, I would cancel anyway and eat the $$ loss just so he doesn't get whatever the service was. Who cares what people think? Then you won't have to wait until March and worry about whether he will pay you. You can dump him now and have a wonderful life.

Ok. I posted too quickly earlier as I was out.

A few years ago I was best platonic male friends with a man whose intentions were originally romantic then he changed his mind. We went out lots as best friends and he was always generous in treating me but we split bills generally. Then we had a falling out. I can’t recall quite what it was but he’d lent me some plain black trainers to get home in because I’d either broken my shoes or it was too late to go and buy something to wear home. Anyway after we had our fall out he was very unpleasant verging on the violent in speech over these trainers which were old and too small for him anyway! I ended up grovelling to him and apologising as I wanted his friendship back. Then about 2 years later he wanted to go on holiday. We’d both had relationships end badly and a family friend has a huge house in Malaga with apartments attached and said we could stay there for free. All my friend had to pay out for was sharing car hire, food and drink and petrol. On our drive home to Malaga airport (about 40 minutes drive) we stopped to buy petrol and to eat lunch and get snacks. He told me he’d run out of money and hadn’t been paid yet so could I sub him. I reluctantly agreed. When we got home and I asked for the money back and soon he got very stroppy with me saying he’d been going to pay me back so why was I chasing him?! I knew this could or couldn’t be true but when I added up the amount it came too it was approx £200, even when split between us, that he owed me. I think he thought because I was well off that I’d write it off. He did pay me though.

The other story is a man I met on an internet date who I spent the night with (no sex) but had intense chemistry with. The weekend after we met he asked me be a signatory (guarantor?) on a loan agreement for him. Apparently no one else could do this but he thought he’d ask me. Of course I said no. He didn’t seem to think it was wrong to ask me. Because I liked him a lot and was almost 40 to my eternal shame I carried on seeing him for another 2 years on and off. Total head fuck. Last I heard he’s moved to Bucharest probably to escape his creditors!

This man may or may not pay you back but with anyone who asks me to sign something for them or lend them money it’s always no. I might very very occasionally give someone money but nothing else! And I play my cards very close to my chest re my assets (which some could see if I told them, are fairly considerable for my age). I’ve worked bloody hard though all my life and have had some luck with inheritances and investments. I’m still working now and hope to retire at 60 or 65. I could retire earlier but will probably drop to 4 days a week then part time etc.

Oh and definitely dump this man. Regardless of if he pays you back or what he says. He has some front I’ll give him that!

Cancel it, do it now & don’t look back

Cancel it.
Say you're no longer able to help him out unfortunately (give no explanation, you don't owe him one)
Let him find another mug.
Distance and move on, head held high.

Cancel!

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