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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I lent a man money, now he's treating me like crap

274 replies

villainorigin · 19/02/2024 10:37

I'm not concerned he won't pay me back. That part isn't an issue. I know him well and I know all his friends and family,

However, he was all sweetness and light up and keeping in touch many times a day up to the point where he asked to borrow it. I said yes. Since then he's treated me like an after thought. Barely in touch, business-only when we do talk, etc.

I need to do/say SOMETHING about this behaviour as it's outrageous and I don't want to tolerate being treated so badly.

I didn't actually give him money, I bought something on his behalf that I could still cancel, and extreme end of the scale is to cancel it and tell him to go F himself, but we know a lot of the same people and it would be complicated.

I need a more reasonable way to not look like a complete walkover here. I don't want to just let it lie.

If anyone has any advice on what I could say to him to make him know I've clocked into his game, I'd be really grateful.

(Please please don't use the thread to berate me for lending him money etc, that part I have now worked out for myself! Getting it back isn't my worry. My self respect and having him think I haven't noticed, is my worry!)

OP posts:
ThinWomansBrain · 20/02/2024 23:40

why are you so keen to change his behaviour when he's demonstrated his true colours.
cancel whatever the expenditure was and block.

Orangeandgold · 20/02/2024 23:47

I would cal off the relationship and cancel whatever you are paying.

feom past experience I had an ex that was financially manipulative. He was very nice when asking for money. Cold when he relieved the money and angry when I or anyone else didn’t lend him the money. Money had a horrible hold on him and I personally now see attitude with money as a sign.

I wouldn’t want to be with someone like that long term. At the same time he has no right to treat you this way. I hope you are able to find your way through this x

Poodleydoodley · 21/02/2024 00:07

When would be the cut off date for getting the 30% back? Before or after the date he said he’d pay you back? If it’s after then you could wait and see if he pays (which I doubt he will by the way).

Ilovecleaning · 21/02/2024 01:23

Cancel asap. This happened to my daughter recently. She financed the purchase of something for a bf. She got it back off him, sent it to me as a gift (😂) then dumped him.

SomewhereInTheMIdlands · 21/02/2024 02:17

He appears to be a selfish and arrogant scrotum. Cancel the money thing and cut him off 100%. He will know why. Make sure you tell everyone else too.

ASimpleLampoon · 21/02/2024 04:03

Cancel . Collect the 30 % and go No Contact. He has no intention of paying you back . Look up sunk cost fallacy. 30 % is better than nothing.

coodawoodashooda · 21/02/2024 04:26

WomanInTheBoat · 19/02/2024 11:30

I would fake it until he repays you then dump him.

Yeah. He's not worried about the narrative that you could spin on him.

marmaladeandpeanutbutter · 21/02/2024 07:34

Cancel.

thenovice · 21/02/2024 10:07

Cancel.

Shitlord · 21/02/2024 10:20

She can't cancel without losing £200 for those who still just say 'cancel'. She seems quite confident that however much of an oik he's being to her, she knows him well locally and he will probably service his debt. It doesn't sound like a randomer off Tinder. I think it's worth risking the £100 and holding out in these circumstances.

Obviously it's the end romantically but establish a payback day and be polite until then.

Rosscameasdoody · 21/02/2024 10:46

thenovice · 21/02/2024 10:07

Cancel.

IF she does this, she’ll only get a third of her money back.

Talkinrubbishagain · 21/02/2024 10:50

He is really using you. if you take this,then it will only get worse.
Cancel the item and block him.
He sounds despicable…

IncognitoIsMyFavouriteWord · 21/02/2024 10:58

OP. If you are 100% sure you will get your money back, then wait it out.

However, his behaviour does not show that he's a man of great morals.
Due to this, I would take the 30% as it's better than nothing

threatmatrix · 21/02/2024 11:24

villainorigin · 19/02/2024 10:37

I'm not concerned he won't pay me back. That part isn't an issue. I know him well and I know all his friends and family,

However, he was all sweetness and light up and keeping in touch many times a day up to the point where he asked to borrow it. I said yes. Since then he's treated me like an after thought. Barely in touch, business-only when we do talk, etc.

I need to do/say SOMETHING about this behaviour as it's outrageous and I don't want to tolerate being treated so badly.

I didn't actually give him money, I bought something on his behalf that I could still cancel, and extreme end of the scale is to cancel it and tell him to go F himself, but we know a lot of the same people and it would be complicated.

I need a more reasonable way to not look like a complete walkover here. I don't want to just let it lie.

If anyone has any advice on what I could say to him to make him know I've clocked into his game, I'd be really grateful.

(Please please don't use the thread to berate me for lending him money etc, that part I have now worked out for myself! Getting it back isn't my worry. My self respect and having him think I haven't noticed, is my worry!)

I’d message him and say you’ve had a couple of unexpected bills and you’ve had to cancel. Please cancel it, don’t let him win. He’s a twat.

MissingMoominMamma · 21/02/2024 12:42

Stop dating him. Tell him you just aren’t feeling it.

You said he’d give you the money back anyway.

dustcollective · 21/02/2024 12:44

There are different issues going on here which you need to look at / tackle separately. At the moment you're conflating everything into one problem which seems overwhelming.

Issue 1: is this the right man for you?
Answer: No. He clearly has zero respect, has stopped being nice since receiving the money but still visits you for "business" - I assume sex? No wonder your self respect has vanished. Get it back by dumping him and blocking immediately.

Issue 2: can you get your money back?
Answer: unlikely, due to this man being a deceitful sod.

Best result all round? Cut your losses and walk away with your self respect. Let him know exactly what you know about him. Tell your mutual friends if they ask. If he's decent he should still pay you back in March but I wouldn't hold your breath. Consider it £300 down payment towards learning a valuable lesson and decluttering your life from rubbish.

T1Dmama · 21/02/2024 12:49

I’d tip up on his parents doorstep and ask for the money and tell them exactly what their son has done!
I’d tell all mutual friends too… if they choose to take his side then they’re not friends!

THEDEACON · 21/02/2024 13:30

Cancel it tell him why and dump him

Ilovecleaning · 21/02/2024 13:53

threatmatrix · 21/02/2024 11:24

I’d message him and say you’ve had a couple of unexpected bills and you’ve had to cancel. Please cancel it, don’t let him win. He’s a twat.

Show quote history

Yes, but I wouldn’t say anything about ‘unexpected bills’. He doesn’t deserve explanations. I totally agree with the rest of your post 🌺

threatmatrix · 21/02/2024 14:00

Ilovecleaning · 21/02/2024 13:53

Yes, but I wouldn’t say anything about ‘unexpected bills’. He doesn’t deserve explanations. I totally agree with the rest of your post 🌺

Show quote history

Thank you

PHoskins · 21/02/2024 14:07

Hi. He may have genuine feelings for you but intimidated I'm some way that he needed financial help from you. He might be aware that you could cancel the order and so is likeky trying his luck and pushing the boundaries due to feeling a bit inadequate This can happen if this man is used to being in control, the more he observes you helping beyond the norm of a girlfriend , the further he is likely to push. This happened to me putting off bailiffs with payments for bf's car that they were removing.

Testina · 21/02/2024 16:39

PHoskins · 21/02/2024 14:07

Hi. He may have genuine feelings for you but intimidated I'm some way that he needed financial help from you. He might be aware that you could cancel the order and so is likeky trying his luck and pushing the boundaries due to feeling a bit inadequate This can happen if this man is used to being in control, the more he observes you helping beyond the norm of a girlfriend , the further he is likely to push. This happened to me putting off bailiffs with payments for bf's car that they were removing.

Edited

Oh the poor inadequate menz. What a load of nonsense. You know that usually it just means the guy is an arsehole?

Jammsy · 21/02/2024 22:53

You already know what you should do without asking that's why you said don't beraxxte me.🙄

Dinkydo12 · 24/02/2024 10:05

Just cancel everything. Block him. Dump him. No conversation he does not deserve your consideration. Move on. Good luck.

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