I lent a man money, now he's treating me like crap

[villainorigin]

I'm not concerned he won't pay me back. That part isn't an issue. I know him well and I know all his friends and family,

However, he was all sweetness and light up and keeping in touch many times a day up to the point where he asked to borrow it. I said yes. Since then he's treated me like an after thought. Barely in touch, business-only when we do talk, etc.

I need to do/say SOMETHING about this behaviour as it's outrageous and I don't want to tolerate being treated so badly.

I didn't actually give him money, I bought something on his behalf that I could still cancel, and extreme end of the scale is to cancel it and tell him to go F himself, but we know a lot of the same people and it would be complicated.

I need a more reasonable way to not look like a complete walkover here. I don't want to just let it lie.

If anyone has any advice on what I could say to him to make him know I've clocked into his game, I'd be really grateful.

(Please please don't use the thread to berate me for lending him money etc, that part I have now worked out for myself! Getting it back isn't my worry. My self respect and having him think I haven't noticed, is my worry!)

Cancel it.

But here's the hard bit...if you know mutual people and they say anything to you, you hold your head high, look them square in the eye and 'yup, turns out he's a bit of an arsehole, just used me to get a loan.'

He is using you.

Cancel it, end things with him and work on your self respect.

Definitely cancel it is highly likely you won’t get the money back.
How much did the item cost and why can’t he afford it himself?

I need a more reasonable way to not look like a complete walkover here. I don't want to just let it lie.

There’s nothing unreasonable about canceling it. Just cancel it and send him a message saying you hadn’t realised he was a gigolo, but since he’s now made it obvious that’s his deal, you’ve decided the services weren’t worth the cost and you’ve canceled.

It wasn't an item but a service I paid for for him (think insurance related, but not actually that).

I just called them and sadly I can't cancel for a full refund.

I can get some of my money back, but only about 30%.

Fuming with myself (and him!).

Absolutely certain he'll pay me back. Again, that isn't my concern.

So SO frustrated.

Cancel it, and him.
Think ' what would I advise a friend to do in this situation?"
Cancel it now, while you still can and put it down to a lesson learnt.
Don't be used.

Not sure how you can know he will pay you back given that he has changed? Did you know him before dating? Did the casual dating start when his need arose?

Another vote here for cancel the item before it's too late.

I didn't 😔 I was outside their cancellation period, it turns out.

This is the best power move.

I couldn't understand what you wanted him to keep in touch multiple times a day about....until your update. Yeah cancel it and bin him.

I think this is the perfect response from @titchy. Police but factual and to the point that you won't brook any nonsense.

Although @RawBloomers reply really made me smile!

Still cancel anyway and cut your losses, at least he doesn't get the satisfaction of treating you like crap.

Why couldn't he order it himself? If he can't afford something for himself is he dating material?

Exactly. I chose poorly.

Do you have an arrangement for how he will repay? When I lent money to Lovely Man, he immediately set up a Standing Order to pay me back an agreed amount each month. You could ask him to do that - it would restore the power dynamic which seems to have arisen.

He isn't the man for you, I'm afraid. So it might be better to just cancel, as others have said.

What repayment schedule was agreed? Has he begun to repay you? And if he doesn't repay, is there any legal doc he signed?I really think he's showing his true colours & u'll need to cool the romance but ensure you are repaid in full, awkward situation to navigate but it must be done.

Oh no! How much money was it? Can you afford to take the hit? If so, I think I’d be inclined to cancel it anyway just for my dignity. Take the 30 percent, and don’t look back.

Really cancelling it is the only thing to do here.

How much was it?

If you can afford to take the hit, I would cancel it and then dump him. Short term financial loss in return for swerving a douchebag? Sounds like a bargain actually.

Cancel it today and don't be worrying what he or anyone else thinks of that.

As you can't cancel without losing money, i worry that if you call him out of his behavior now, he could use it as an excuse to not pay you back.

Don't be all lovey dovey though. Just factual messages to arrange repayment. If he messages you, wait before responding and keep it cool. Make it obvious you've lost interest in him romantically. Do not fall for if he starts being nice to you again.

Well if you can't cancel then you need him to repay you. If he makes excuses it's time to get tough, tell all those mutual friend you're short of money and why.
I have a feeling you're bothered more by the friends opinion than losing the money _ do you think they'd take sides against you?

I'm petty as hell so I would take the hit (assuming its not hundreds or thousands). I think in the long term you've probably saved money because he would just keep using you.

Tell him you need the money back by the end of the month that your circumstances have changed if he doesn't, take the 30 percent cut and then bin him off. Tell him why.