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AIBU?

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Original poster

I lent a man money, now he's treating me like crap

274 replies

villainorigin · 19/02/2024 10:37

I'm not concerned he won't pay me back. That part isn't an issue. I know him well and I know all his friends and family,

However, he was all sweetness and light up and keeping in touch many times a day up to the point where he asked to borrow it. I said yes. Since then he's treated me like an after thought. Barely in touch, business-only when we do talk, etc.

I need to do/say SOMETHING about this behaviour as it's outrageous and I don't want to tolerate being treated so badly.

I didn't actually give him money, I bought something on his behalf that I could still cancel, and extreme end of the scale is to cancel it and tell him to go F himself, but we know a lot of the same people and it would be complicated.

I need a more reasonable way to not look like a complete walkover here. I don't want to just let it lie.

If anyone has any advice on what I could say to him to make him know I've clocked into his game, I'd be really grateful.

(Please please don't use the thread to berate me for lending him money etc, that part I have now worked out for myself! Getting it back isn't my worry. My self respect and having him think I haven't noticed, is my worry!)

OP posts:
Vonesk · 20/02/2024 20:27

Also , seriously, I cannot believe people. Do not hel p anyone!!!!!!!
Ive ' helped' people.
I even ' saved' a eXwork colleague from homelessness. I let her have my spare room and provided little extra items for her use.
She kept mentioning other items she was in need of And cried poverty and lack of money for food.
She paid rent intermittently and I bought her bags of food to help.
She continued her pity party but started to pro actively Complain!!!! First off: she complained sge could hear my TV in her room.
She let her kid rummage through my private draw, ( she stood and watched)
She would have hour long soak in bath every day finishing ALL THE hot water.
I gave one month notice, I wanted my sanity back.

EthicalBlend · 20/02/2024 20:35

It's not too late. Cancel it now, and don't think twice about doing it. Seriously.

OldPerson · 20/02/2024 20:43

Oh poor darling. Cancel. Cancel. Cancel the order. You have no self-respect after the item is delivered. He's got what he wants. And you are no longer useful. Don't reward bad behaviour. Call him out as a manipulator. Or if you're quaking, just give an excuse, why you had to pull out, car repair, sibling needing money, etc. But put a stop to the order. You were only useful as someone to exploited to get him what he wanted. Don't be a sucker. If you can cancel, cancel. And see how he reacts. And if the sweet talk starts again ... you know he still thinks you're someone to be exploited.

Chickenpie35 · 20/02/2024 20:43

Cancel it ASAP.
Just say you can't afford it or something you have has broken and you need a new one so need the money yourself if yiu don't want to say the truth but absolutely try and finish it with him. He sounds vile.

AliceOlive · 20/02/2024 20:45

I wouldn't cancel it for a partial refund. He won't be obligated to pay what you lost then. Just stop seeing him and find someone that makes you feel good.

PetuniaT · 20/02/2024 20:45

Don't you watch Judge Judy?

BirthdayRainbow · 20/02/2024 20:46

If he will pay you back what is the issue?

why do you care what other people would say if you did cancel and / or have words?

Nantescalling · 20/02/2024 20:47

Cancel and tell him he's seriously misread you!

HRTQueen · 20/02/2024 20:49

Cancel the item

Don't worry about what he might say if you let this hold you back that you shall find another reason to let him off

such a lack of respect he has shown his true colours

BillyNotQuiteNoMates · 20/02/2024 20:55

If you don’t want to make an awkward situation, tell him that you need th E money for something else and cancel whatever you’ve ordered. And then tell him that it isn’t working out for you and stop dating him.

iwafs · 20/02/2024 21:11

Wait until mid march, get the £300 back
then dump

Xoxoxoxoxoxox · 20/02/2024 21:16

Can you cancel it at a later date, if he doesn't come up with the money in March?
If so you could give him a deadline, end of March and stick to it.

Commonhousewitch · 20/02/2024 21:20

I wouldn't cancel as then you'll definitely lose money. I would just go cool on him but make it clear to your friends what has happened - own the narrative

Greenshed · 20/02/2024 22:14

If you’re able to cancel whatever it is, do so. As for dating him, well, ask yourself, do you like him enough to continue doing so? From your original post, I would suggest he doesn’t sound a very nice individual and would ask you to consider if he really is worth your time and attention.

Havinganamechange · 20/02/2024 22:20

I’m sorry OP but you are being very silly, cancel the order and he can pay for his own things. He is a scrounger and the way he is treating you shows you just don’t matter to him. Sorry to be harsh but you are better off out of it.

ACynicalDad · 20/02/2024 22:44

Any money lent should be lent on the assumption that you won't get it back, and if you do, it's a bonus. Therefore if you can't afford to lose it don't lend it.

ladyofshertonabbas · 20/02/2024 22:47

Cancel it. He won’t pay you back. Massive alarm bells- been there.

housekermit · 20/02/2024 22:56

villainorigin · 19/02/2024 11:03

Honestly the reason I don't want to cancel it is because of the narrative that he could spin

"Villainorigin said she'd help me with something and then pulled the plug and left me in the shit, just because I didn't text her for a few days...".

If he didn’t want to be the villain in your story, he should have behaved better.

E17Stowmum · 20/02/2024 23:09

"I'm not concerned he won't pay me back. That part isn't an issue."
Most unsolicited statements in the negative are usually untrue, or we wouldn't be moved to say or write them, denying something that no-one else has said.
Maybe this could be your starting point towards a solution?

CountessWindyBottom · 20/02/2024 23:10

You do realise he’s not going to pay you back don’t you @villainorigin?

Its a pity that you can only get about 30% but I’d take the hit, cancel the service and stonewall him tbh, he sounds like a twat.

5YearsLeft · 20/02/2024 23:16

@LadyIrony is absolutely right.

But also think about it logically. You think he’ll pay you back just because you know all his friends and family. Um… WHY wouldn’t any of them lend it to him then?? Why did he have to come to you?! Someone he’d barely started dating? Your best bet is: stop talking to him right now no matter what, ignore him; ask any of his friends and family if he owes them money; when they say yes, or that they had to chase it for five years, either get proof in a text as @LadyIrony has advised and take him to small claims for the whole amount when he doesn’t pay you back; OR cancel ASAP, and at least get 30% (small claims can’t force him to pay and contractors can be REALLY slippery).

SavageTomato · 20/02/2024 23:20

Why is it complicated? Do you fear others will judge you? Frankly, so fucking what? What will happen if you cancel the order and fuck this leech off? The sky will not fall in. People who matter will be proud of you. And people who don't matter can fuck right off.

llizzie · 20/02/2024 23:32

You say you did not actually give him money, just something he needed and you can cancel it.

Cancel it. Don't worry about his feelings, or the feelings of those you both know. They may have done the same to him and got the same reaction. Show him up. Make him realise he cannot sponge off people and get away with it.

I know you don't want berating's, but I would not lend money to anyone. I would give what I can afford and not ask for repayment. That way they do not ask again, or rather are unlikely to.

Mamanyt · 20/02/2024 23:37

Cancel it, and if any of your common acquaintances has the audacity to mention it, laugh and then tell them exactly why you did.

Lplatecook · 20/02/2024 23:40

villainorigin · 19/02/2024 10:37

I'm not concerned he won't pay me back. That part isn't an issue. I know him well and I know all his friends and family,

However, he was all sweetness and light up and keeping in touch many times a day up to the point where he asked to borrow it. I said yes. Since then he's treated me like an after thought. Barely in touch, business-only when we do talk, etc.

I need to do/say SOMETHING about this behaviour as it's outrageous and I don't want to tolerate being treated so badly.

I didn't actually give him money, I bought something on his behalf that I could still cancel, and extreme end of the scale is to cancel it and tell him to go F himself, but we know a lot of the same people and it would be complicated.

I need a more reasonable way to not look like a complete walkover here. I don't want to just let it lie.

If anyone has any advice on what I could say to him to make him know I've clocked into his game, I'd be really grateful.

(Please please don't use the thread to berate me for lending him money etc, that part I have now worked out for myself! Getting it back isn't my worry. My self respect and having him think I haven't noticed, is my worry!)

Hello - I would suggest that if you bought something then that item belongs to you.

You could consider this question: 'Is there really any good reason why this purchase shouldn't be cancelled?'
Good luck and best wishes for a satisfactory outcome.