I lent a man money, now he's treating me like crap

[villainorigin]

I'm not concerned he won't pay me back. That part isn't an issue. I know him well and I know all his friends and family,

However, he was all sweetness and light up and keeping in touch many times a day up to the point where he asked to borrow it. I said yes. Since then he's treated me like an after thought. Barely in touch, business-only when we do talk, etc.

I need to do/say SOMETHING about this behaviour as it's outrageous and I don't want to tolerate being treated so badly.

I didn't actually give him money, I bought something on his behalf that I could still cancel, and extreme end of the scale is to cancel it and tell him to go F himself, but we know a lot of the same people and it would be complicated.

I need a more reasonable way to not look like a complete walkover here. I don't want to just let it lie.

If anyone has any advice on what I could say to him to make him know I've clocked into his game, I'd be really grateful.

(Please please don't use the thread to berate me for lending him money etc, that part I have now worked out for myself! Getting it back isn't my worry. My self respect and having him think I haven't noticed, is my worry!)

Cancel it and don't give an explanation why. If he asks, ignore him.

He is never going to pay you that money.

I've heard on finance call in shows this can be common. They start to resent you bc they owe you, and it can make relationships weird if the person in question is immature.

Get the repayment in writing now, even if it’s a text that you expect full payment of £xx in March as otherwise you will be out of pocket for buying it on his behalf. I would also start hinting to the more trustworthy mutual friends about how you had to order something for him, just as a passing thought in a conversation so that you have control over any narrative being spun about this if it goes wrong.

Cancel them block him

If you cancel now you get 30% back. How much do you get if you cancel "mid March"? If the difference is not that much then it might be worth waiting; it's only a month, after all.

Don't wait until mid-March for it to go pear-shaped; start talking about it now. When, exactly, is "mid-March", ask for the precise date. You could start talking to other people about being worried that he will pay it back - spin the narrative before he does! (people tend to believe the first version they hear)

It happens all to often. If you are lending to a man or a woman, anyone in my books, treat it as though you wont get it back and if you do, its a bonus

We would not lend more than we can afford to lose and that would only be to immediate family

Give back to him what he does to you. Be cold and business like, set a date that you require the money to be paid back and let him know you expect it to be paid back by that deadline. Be assertive and don't let him away with any excuses, sudden sweet talking or retaliation.

You know you've mentally binned him off but wait until he pays you back and then let him know that you're done with him.

You say he was all sweetness and light before he asked you for this thing, what was he like before THAT? Were you having a nice normal dating relationship or was he more cool about it?

What I'm trying to say is, has he gone back to the way he was before he started creeping round you for a favour? You say he's just finished a job, could he have started another one? Don't just assume that he's got what he wanted so is cooling off without at least asking him about it, you seem to have already decided that's what's happened, but why don't you give him the benefit of the doubt and just ask him why his behaviour seems to have suddenly changed?

I don't really understand the trend of expecting people to be in contact with you multiple times a day to show they care, it's not the measure of a relationship for me and I find it utterly attention seeking and puts me off contacting if I know it's something 'expected' of me, especially if I'm busy with life. Surely there are other indicators in this relationship, and if you feel something is off surely you'd just ask?

Seeing as you can’t recover the money this is how i’d play it.

You've been taken for a mug but at least it's not too late to cancel and get your money back. Then block the loser.

Everyone please RTFT - she found out she CANNOT cancel for a full refund - only 30%.

OP - there is no way he can spin this to not look like a dickhead. Simple text:

"I am not stupid. You have clearly been pretending to like me to get money. You are gross. I'm not interested in dating you but I want the money back in 48 hours, otherwise I will cancel THE THING."

Cancel, block and don’t concern yourself with the repercussions - that’s on him. Whether he’ll pay you back or not is irrelevant - you’re getting treated like crap now he has what he wants.

Sorry, just seen the update. In that case give him a deadline for getting the money back to you or you will cancel it. I think that’s all you can do. Once you have your money, send him packing.

You can't get a full refund so let this play out but get a date agreed in writing. Don't cancel or you'll be left out of pocket. You can get the date agreed breezily if you prefer, asking so you can budget for something you need to pay yourself, if you prefer to keep things cordial.

You don't say how long it's been, not that it really matters but a genuine thanks then an afternoon's brusque texts because he is busy is obviously not the same as several days of the brush off.

You aren't dating. He was nice to you, so he could use you. Cancel it while you still can.

Have it posted to yourself and you keep it and use it joyfully until he pays and is thankful.

What would you call being thankful? Would he need to be extra attentive, or use words?

After he thanks you, plan to say,
"That is my pleasure, XX, think of me when you use it."

The episode has shown you to give the guy the flick.

Perfect. And sod what everyone else thinks, let them buy it.
Bummer, just read the update re 30%. Wait till March, get the dosh and block.

It's NOT perfect

She will only get 30% back if she cancels

Better to wait and then take action if he doesn't repay - it's only next month

Oh come on.
Show the guy for what he is doing to you and stop worrying what people think.
If they take sides let them.
You may very well walk away feeling more empowered than a walk over or used.

OP has said she's sure he'll pay it back , she's more bothered by his change of behaviour towards her since she bought it .

THIS.
He knows you, and he is relying on the fact that you don't want to appear "mean" to mutual friends/acquaintances.
Do you really think they are all going to condemn you, or think that you are not a "nice" person. 1) Who cares what they think? You know you are in the right.
2) No one hearing that a person has tried to borrow money and then been told no, will think that you are not a nice person. They will think that you have decided not to be a doormat.

He's shown you his true self. Just write him off as a person in your life. Keep in touch till he repays you then drift away from him. If he doesn't repay you 300 quid is a pretty cheap life lesson

That he'll pay me when he gets the money in mid March

Is everyone missing this? They have an agreement for him to pay her back in mid-March. We’re not even at the start of March yet.

OP even said themselves they’re sure he will pay. If that’s the case, cancelling it now and only getting 30% back would be cutting off her nose to spite herself and also a bit petty.

Yes the guy sounds unpleasant and a complete user but unless he reneged on their agreement I don’t think it would be wise to cancel it.

Take your money back in mid-March, limit contact or cut him off and either way walk away happily knowing that you’ve learnt a valuable lesson for the future. Imagine being stuck with a man like this? At least you’ve got out!

I'd have the serious ick of a man I was casually dating asked me to lend him money.

Not very ... sexy is it? Smacks of skint and I wouldn't want to go out with a man like this. He clearly can't manage his money

Cut your losses and cancel it. He is a user