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Original poster

I lent a man money, now he's treating me like crap

274 replies

villainorigin · 19/02/2024 10:37

I'm not concerned he won't pay me back. That part isn't an issue. I know him well and I know all his friends and family,

However, he was all sweetness and light up and keeping in touch many times a day up to the point where he asked to borrow it. I said yes. Since then he's treated me like an after thought. Barely in touch, business-only when we do talk, etc.

I need to do/say SOMETHING about this behaviour as it's outrageous and I don't want to tolerate being treated so badly.

I didn't actually give him money, I bought something on his behalf that I could still cancel, and extreme end of the scale is to cancel it and tell him to go F himself, but we know a lot of the same people and it would be complicated.

I need a more reasonable way to not look like a complete walkover here. I don't want to just let it lie.

If anyone has any advice on what I could say to him to make him know I've clocked into his game, I'd be really grateful.

(Please please don't use the thread to berate me for lending him money etc, that part I have now worked out for myself! Getting it back isn't my worry. My self respect and having him think I haven't noticed, is my worry!)

OP posts:
HappyFitnessQueen · 19/02/2024 11:38

That's horrible - at least he's shown you his true colours now, while things are casual.

Can you make sure you have evidence of the fact that you paying this service is considered a loan for him? I'd just get this secured and then pretty much ghost him. Can you email him the invoice or order number and add a note to say, 'as we discussed, I paid X amount for this service for you and you will be paying me back by X date'. It means you can cut him off now but you can be sure you've got the evidence you need to go to small claims if necessary.

What a dick.

greengreengrass25 · 19/02/2024 11:47

Please cancel. I lent money once and it was such a hassle to get it back, mostly cam back in dribs and drabs and a sob story etc

MimiSunshine · 19/02/2024 11:53

Honestly. I don’t think you’re going to get that lonely back from him?
what makes you absolutely certain he will pay you?

because if you think he’ll bad mouth you for cancelling it then you can be sure that he’ll just tell everyone you offered to pay for it and “now putting pressure on him when you know he’s broke / not been paid / struggling / blah blah blah” whatever excuse he thinks of.

Slatkater · 19/02/2024 12:13

He won’t pay you back. How many other people has he borrowed money from and think they are being paid back in March?

littleburn · 19/02/2024 12:20

Stop dating him - just text to say this isn't working for me anymore - and ask for confirmation of when he'll pay you back. If he doesn't confirm and/or doesn't pay you back when he's supposed to, ask again. If he still doesn't, take him to the small claims court. I had to do similar with an ex. It's all online and not in person. As long as you have evidence of failure to pay you back at the agreed time you're well within your rights to do this. Don't let him disrespect you further by fobbing you off, or by paying you back in drips and drabs.

And if it comes to that, don't worry about what people will say. You simply state you lent him money, he failed to pay you back and you weren't going to be taken for a mug. He's the dick in this situation, not you.

Mirabai · 19/02/2024 12:23

Of course he won’t pay OP back. Cancel now and recoup the 30%. Or accept the money is gone and get shot of him now.

PutMyFootIn · 19/02/2024 12:23

Pay it then, and then everyone will like you.

Don't you have friends and family that like you for yourself though? I'm just trying to work out why your so anxious for joint acquaintances to like you

Hummusandstuff · 19/02/2024 12:24

Some immature people hate it when they feel obliged to someone else. It doesn’t fit their view of themselves.

LoveAHamSandwhich · 19/02/2024 12:25

villainorigin · 19/02/2024 10:37

Sorry, I should've said it's a man I'm dating, albeit casually.

Dump him and cancel it. Job done.

LoveAHamSandwhich · 19/02/2024 12:27

villainorigin · 19/02/2024 11:03

Honestly the reason I don't want to cancel it is because of the narrative that he could spin

"Villainorigin said she'd help me with something and then pulled the plug and left me in the shit, just because I didn't text her for a few days...".

Well he'll look like a dick, so you're fine!

arethereanyleftatall · 19/02/2024 12:28

Women, and I include myself in this, have to really learn to not give a shit what other people think of us. Especially since you're not the one in the wrong anyway.
'Yes, I did. It wasn't just not texting for a few days though was it Bob? It was a complete turn around in communication as soon as you got the money you wanted.'

Lurkingandlearning · 19/02/2024 12:30

villainorigin · 19/02/2024 11:03

Honestly the reason I don't want to cancel it is because of the narrative that he could spin

"Villainorigin said she'd help me with something and then pulled the plug and left me in the shit, just because I didn't text her for a few days...".

Well, if you know he’s the type to spin a narrative then has it occurred to you that he is probably spinning one now…. How gullible you are for not realising he was only nice to you so you would pay for something he couldn’t wait a few weeks for (if he intended to repay you mid March). How desperate you are for even a casual relationship, that you’ll pay… All manner of nasty shit because he is a nasty shit.

whistablenative · 19/02/2024 12:36

@Titchy advice is great.
Cancel item. Tell him why. Keep a copy of messages (friends etc). Block him.

'Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice shame on me'.

millymog11 · 19/02/2024 12:37

Not read the whole thread but I have read OP.

I would bet good money that if you do not cancel this thing you have bought all of your interactions with this man will get steadily worse and end up being downright abusive by him.

A lot of men are actually like this. They cannot handle the idea that a woman they originally viewed in a sexual light is able to or at least better able to than they are to pay for things they want. It confuses them and they start to put you in the "mummy" box which does their head in and the only way they can deal with it is to be downright horrible to you.

Cancel. I wouldn't even explain why to him. And block him. Immediately. Trust me you will save yourself a whole world of pain.

abeeabeeisafterme · 19/02/2024 12:38

Gosh don't be so hard on yourself. It's cost you £300 to learn what he's like. That's possibly saved you years of a poor relationship choice or an expensive separation of finances down the line. £300 to have an insight into character now- cheap!

millymog11 · 19/02/2024 12:39

"Pay it then, and then everyone will like you."

Nope.

This is definitely a case of you paying for something will make him hate you, as opposed to make him like you more.

Men very rarely like women more if the women openly "helps" him with something, especially something to do with money.

pikkumyy77 · 19/02/2024 12:41

Cancel it, get 30 percent back, and never, ever, let yourself be pressured or flattered into giving a casual acquaintance or date money.

Silverbirchtwo · 19/02/2024 12:41

Just tell him that now you're not such good friends you're not comfortable with him owing you money. Could he borrow it from someone else and pay you back now or you'll just cancel the purchase.

Hagbard · 19/02/2024 12:42

Will the the 30% refund still be an option in mid-march? If not I would cancel now. From what you've written, he doesn't come across as an honourable chap and you already don't trust him.

So what if your shared acquaintances find out - he's in the wrong not you. Who borrows money off someone they're dating anyway?

BestBadger · 19/02/2024 12:42

Cancel it or keep it for yourself. It's likely his friends and family already know he's a user.

MyFirstLittlePony · 19/02/2024 12:43

Cancel and say weirdly your card has not gone through

then be nice but non-committal about ordering it again

that you way you don’t have to “have it out” or “be the bad guy”

“yes, such a shame it did not go through, something went wrong with my card. Maybe order it yourself and I pay you back some time?” Then never give him that money

Mirabai · 19/02/2024 12:44

"Villainorigin said she'd help me with something and then pulled the plug and left me in the shit, just because I didn't text her for a few days..."

No-one Will think anything if he badmouths you, other than a lover scorned. And anyway who cares what anyone thinks? Is he worried what you’d say about him?

Speedygonzales78 · 19/02/2024 12:45

Cancel it, I've been and still am in your position. I'm still waiting for money owed from 5 years ago. You have the option to back out, so do it and don't look back.

LadyIrony · 19/02/2024 12:47
  1. get something in writing (a text will do) that makes him admit that he owes you this money. Something like 'Do you have a date for when you can repay me that £300 I loaned you?' Hopefully you won't need it, but that's your proof - for friends, but more importantly for the small claims court.

2)Look at his behaviour now... did he only go to that effort to get this loan? If so he'll only be nice and attentive to get what he wants. If this is the case the nice behaviour will also include love-bombing (please look that up if you haven't) to keep you dating him for future use. Any threat that a useful source is leaving and they bring out the charm offensive.

  1. Only 'loan' what you can afford to give away. And always think in terms of 'I had to work XXX number of hours to get that money. DO I like this person enough to give them that much time and effort?' And make sure something is reciprocal in any relationship or you risk being the victim of users (it doesn't have to be an exact match, but a RL example would be someone who'll drop everything to babysit for me in an emergency, including overnight, is more than equal to helping her out when their car broke and needed a repair that wasn't vast but was more than their budget could cope with).
gamerchick · 19/02/2024 12:48

Well your know now. When he's paid you back and you're too chicken to say anything about his treatment of you. Phase him out and absolutely say no when he starts buttering you up again.