Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I lent a man money, now he's treating me like crap

274 replies

villainorigin · 19/02/2024 10:37

I'm not concerned he won't pay me back. That part isn't an issue. I know him well and I know all his friends and family,

However, he was all sweetness and light up and keeping in touch many times a day up to the point where he asked to borrow it. I said yes. Since then he's treated me like an after thought. Barely in touch, business-only when we do talk, etc.

I need to do/say SOMETHING about this behaviour as it's outrageous and I don't want to tolerate being treated so badly.

I didn't actually give him money, I bought something on his behalf that I could still cancel, and extreme end of the scale is to cancel it and tell him to go F himself, but we know a lot of the same people and it would be complicated.

I need a more reasonable way to not look like a complete walkover here. I don't want to just let it lie.

If anyone has any advice on what I could say to him to make him know I've clocked into his game, I'd be really grateful.

(Please please don't use the thread to berate me for lending him money etc, that part I have now worked out for myself! Getting it back isn't my worry. My self respect and having him think I haven't noticed, is my worry!)

OP posts:
TheYearOfSmallThings · 19/02/2024 11:03

Hmm. I would probably cancel it anyway but then I have been known to cut off my own nose to spite my face (no regrets).

Original poster
villainorigin · 19/02/2024 11:03

Honestly the reason I don't want to cancel it is because of the narrative that he could spin

"Villainorigin said she'd help me with something and then pulled the plug and left me in the shit, just because I didn't text her for a few days...".

OP posts:
SoRainbowRhythms · 19/02/2024 11:05

villainorigin · 19/02/2024 11:03

Honestly the reason I don't want to cancel it is because of the narrative that he could spin

"Villainorigin said she'd help me with something and then pulled the plug and left me in the shit, just because I didn't text her for a few days...".

So? Let him.

StopTheBusINeedAWeeWeeAWeeWeeBagOChips · 19/02/2024 11:06

villainorigin · 19/02/2024 11:03

Honestly the reason I don't want to cancel it is because of the narrative that he could spin

"Villainorigin said she'd help me with something and then pulled the plug and left me in the shit, just because I didn't text her for a few days...".

Then you just tell the truth, he used you until you paid for this, and then he didn't bother his arse with you as soon as you paid out.

He will probably have some sob story at the ready when it's time for payback anyways, and then spin it that you're hounding him for cash when his goldfish just died or whatever.

Either way you'll lose out.

WandaWonder · 19/02/2024 11:06

villainorigin · 19/02/2024 11:03

Honestly the reason I don't want to cancel it is because of the narrative that he could spin

"Villainorigin said she'd help me with something and then pulled the plug and left me in the shit, just because I didn't text her for a few days...".

Try and get back some self respect and cancel it

socialdilemmawhattodo · 19/02/2024 11:08

So the service can't be fully cancelled, but can it be swapped/exchanged to someone else?

cstaff · 19/02/2024 11:09

If you do cancel and only get 30% back then I can see where you are coming from by not cancelling. Firstly if you do this then that will piss him off and you will not see the remaining 70% ever. Secondly, there is a chance that he may pay you the full amount. Not sure what the odds are on this but you know better than anyone on here.

HaIlie · 19/02/2024 11:09

What does your dating life normally look like with him, before he asked you to lend him money? Like a month before? In contact regularly?

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 19/02/2024 11:11

He saw you coming, didn't he?! Cancel the item and then cancel him. Explain exactly what you've written above to anyone who has the cheek to ask.

Slanabhaile · 19/02/2024 11:11

I see now that you can't cancel & get a full refund.
In this case I'd get your money back ASAP, and then tell him what a shithead he is.
No matter how sure you are, I doubt you'd get your money back if you called him out now.

Speckledpasta · 19/02/2024 11:15

You aren't dating, he just saw an easy target unfortunately

Overtheatlantic · 19/02/2024 11:16

I’d shame him for not being able to afford it himself. “Have you just recently started having problems with paying your bills?” Unless he’s legitimately been unwell.

SausageAndEggSandwich · 19/02/2024 11:16

How much was it?

A guaranteed 30% return Vs a not guaranteed 100%

I'm not sure what I would do tbh. Clearly the relationship is over either way, he's a shit head who is either bad with money or manipulative or both

If you dump him, would he still pay you? I think the jury is out on that.

TempleOfBloom · 19/02/2024 11:16

"Is everything OK? I notice that you are not contacting me much since I paid for XXXx> Have you set up the standing order to repay me? "

MILTOBE · 19/02/2024 11:17

He can say whatever he wants to people. You can, too. "He was so nice to me, begging me to buy him X, then the minute I put the order in, he ghosted me, so I cancelled it." Who the hell would disagree with that?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 19/02/2024 11:21

villainorigin · 19/02/2024 11:03

Honestly the reason I don't want to cancel it is because of the narrative that he could spin

"Villainorigin said she'd help me with something and then pulled the plug and left me in the shit, just because I didn't text her for a few days...".

Anybody listening to that drivel would see it for what it is and be thinking 'good on Vaillainorigin'.

A grown man needing financial help and bleating about it after the fact. Pathetic! I'd be embarrassed to be him and, if he is stupid enough to tell people, they will most likely think less of him.

WeeWee's suggestion is the best - cancel, take the 30% and the hit. Cheap way of reminding yourself not to fund needy men again.

ZekeZeke · 19/02/2024 11:23

What agreement did you have with him regarding repaying you?
Also, How much in total are we talking about here?

Original poster
villainorigin · 19/02/2024 11:25

ZekeZeke · 19/02/2024 11:23

What agreement did you have with him regarding repaying you?
Also, How much in total are we talking about here?

That he'll pay me when he gets the money in mid March (from a job he just finished - he's a contractor).

It was around £300.

OP posts:
Riva5784 · 19/02/2024 11:27

What makes you so absolutely certain he will pay you back?

MumHereAgain2023 · 19/02/2024 11:28

What a dick. Please cancel who cares what others think.

WomanInTheBoat · 19/02/2024 11:30

I would fake it until he repays you then dump him.

Codlingmoths · 19/02/2024 11:32

WomanInTheBoat · 19/02/2024 11:30

I would fake it until he repays you then dump him.

Don’t feel bad, that’s pretty much what he’s done after all.

RawBloomers · 19/02/2024 11:33

I’m sorry you couldn’t cancel it.

I would stop contacting him until he should have the money, wait until he’s paid you back and then refer to him disparagingly as Gigolo [name] to all your mutual friends.

rainbowstardrops · 19/02/2024 11:34

What an arse he is! How long have you been together?

ZekeZeke · 19/02/2024 11:34

villainorigin · 19/02/2024 11:25

That he'll pay me when he gets the money in mid March (from a job he just finished - he's a contractor).

It was around £300.

Show quote history

So you did have an agreement.
I wouldn't cancel.
I would wait until mid March as you agreed for payment.