To want a 3rd child?

[broodybaby85]

I turn 39 this year. I have 2 children already with a large age gap (eldest turns 18 this year and youngest is almost 3). Been with my partner for almost 19 years (he's not the eldest's father).

I know my age will go against me, but I cannot shake the feeling that I want to do it "one last time". However, I also know that with 2 children already and the age gap, there are many cons to adding another.

Please Mumsnet, talk me out of this and help me to just be happy with the two beautiful children I have and get over with my longing for a third?? 😭

Maybe I need to see some of those cons in black and white?! 😂

Lots of people here are mentioning the increased risks and the likelihood of conditions like Down Syndrome or having twins. I thoroughly researched this when I had my ds at 40 and the chances are still quite low. With screening tests and scans you’d know quite early on. Of course consider how you would cope if these things happen but anyone having a baby carries these risks. I think the sickness would be the thing to put me off. Both my pregnancies were HG ones and I honestly don’t think I could go through that again. If you could get support with your three year old it might be ok. I just about managed with a 1 year old and HG but never again for me!

@broodybaby85 Most people won't get extreme complications like PP's describe, just have a possibility of the usual ones.

@porridgeisbae definitely agree. My two pregnancies in my 40s were fine. Actually at 39/40 the risks are still very small. One thing I found is that both by babies were big. One was 9lbs and the other 11lbs. We do have bigger babies running in the family. However statistically the chances of a bigger baby are greater with age. Not everyone finds this though. I did have two c sections in the end because one was breech and the other was stuck in my pelvis (the one over 11lbs)

43 here, eldest are 18 and 17, youngest is 2. I am a better more present mother this time around but it is so hard! The constant entertaining, no social life, a lot less money. I could be holidaying multiple times a year and not have the extra baby weight. Basically my career is back to square one and the SAHM is not my bag. I worked with the other two from 7 months and was mentally fulfilled.

Older parents have a slightly increased risk of having a child with additional needs. But having a child at any age is a lottery. If you want another child enough to risk another troublesome pregnancy and birth and any challenges that child might have then that's your answer. Personally I'd quit while ahead and make the most of my known quantity family wise.

@newwings 44 here with a 2 year old and a 4 year old. It’s definitely tough at this age (though I’m sure any age is hard). I’m too missing my social life and have been unable to get back to work due to numerous logistical issues. Like you say feel at an age to be present and feel I’m a good mum but the sacrifices feel so much more than I expected. I am definitely not having a third.

Remember in 10yrs time you’ll be knocking on 50 and have a lot less energy. One for the no pile! Also I had a big gap between no 1 and 2, 11yrs, I was 16 when I had my first and 31 when 2nd. Youngest is 16 soon and I’m definitely long done with young kids. That said I pushed for a 3rd (largely as I wanted a girl after 2 boys) and have never regretted that and the bond mine had when younger always made me see I was right and my ex was wrong not wanting another (he adores her too). I think you have to go for it or you’ll never know if you will regret it

If you want another go for it, I’m expecting my first and will be 42 when she’s born

My eldest was 20 when I found myself pregnant accidentally at 38. I’m now 42 with 4 y/o DD and 1 y/o DS. It made more sense to have another as my youngest was essentially an only child. Enjoying motherhood much more as an older mother too. Go for it.

This thread is also not helping me! I feel the urge to have a third but my head (and partner) are saying it isn’t sensible (money too tight, lucky to have two healthy kids etc).
I’m 37 with DC3 and DC6m - I’ve been assuming it’s the postnatal hormones in full swing making me broody!
Good luck with the decision making, I’ll be following on to see what you do!

If you were someone I knew, OP I would be encouraging you to explore some of the reasons behind wanting a third child (e.g. is there some underlying unmet need, or fear about transitioning between life-stages, I’m not saying that’s the case -these are just a couple of throwaway examples, as I say I don’t know OP or their situation at all).

Another perspective: Over-population is a real problem. I wonder how many of the “Britain is full” brigade (I know there are some on MN), are encouraging people to have more children while also complaining that resources (including healthcare/schools etc as well as natural resources) are stretched to breaking point. It could be argued that having a third child is irresponsible in this day and age when we understand so much more about the impact each human has on our environment and that we have finite resources to sustain life on Earth. I appreciate it is not a popular opinion on MN, but OP did ask for “Cons”.

Hmm, not sure about this. Compared to being a younger mum, the risks do climb quite sharply once you reach age 40 and beyond.

I was going to have a baby at age 40+ so I’m not saying for a second that it should stop anyone.

However, I wouldn’t have terminated for Down Syndrome so the risks weren’t that much of an issue for me. And as it happens, I ended up with two disabled DC.

But it’s not just Down Syndrome. The risk of other disabilities also climbs too, such as autism. Mums aged 40 and over have a 51 - 77% higher risk of their child being autistic. And you obviously can’t test for that in the womb. Autism may only cause mild impairment but it can also be very profound.

My 14yr old DS is still in nappies. We can’t go on holiday, or leave him alone. We can’t use childcare or babysitters for nights out. Many people would hate my life.

Despite all of this, I’m actually in the camp of thinking OP should go for it.

All I’m saying is that the risks are increased so she needs to be clear about what they are, and what that would mean for her relationship.

If one person is only lukewarm about having another child and the child then has a disability which completely changes their life, it could cause real resentment. Have the difficult conversations and be clear about what you both think before plunging into trying for a baby.

The chances are that everything will be fine, but it’s not helpful to stick your fingers in your ears and pretend the risk isn’t significantly higher.

Why would it make people feel bad? Surely they know others wouldn't want to have an abortion? I support a womans right to choose 100%, deciding they wouldn't have one is part of that imo.

Don't do it ! I have kids that are 21, 20 and 17 two live at home. I couldn't imagine having anymore. I am just getting my life back after having mine young at 19. I enjoy holidays without them, days out with my fella the ability to drop everything and just go without worrying. I guess it's different for you because you already have one that's young. But in 20 years when you're 59 and all the kids have flown the nest will you have the finances and health to do stuff you want to do? How old is your partner? If he's older then he'll be retiring before you and you'll have to keep working.
I'd be knackered looking after small children now.

Sorry another one to say go for it! I had my 4th at 42. Like you woke up one day and wanted a last one. Large age gap too eldest 15, 12 and 5 when 4th was born. You will have a smaller gap. Just do it!

@SpidersAreShitheads I think the PP and I were mostly talking about the risks to the health of the average woman. People were going on about how they'd been disabled/impaired to a serious extent for life by their pregnancy. This is awful but quite rare. We all know there are often some long term effects of pregnancy for many women, maybe at any age, but they're not usually on the level of never being able to work again, or not being able to care for their children for years etc.

@broodybaby85 As to children having disabilities, the risk of Down's in a child for a mum of 40 is about 1 in 100 (this can also be tested for if people choose to do that- though I personally wouldn'tve.)

People can live fulfilling lives with Down's, ASD or ADHD etc and won't necessarily be significantly impaired anyway.

OP is not in that position as she still has young ones.

I was 39 and 41 when I had my boys and while I love them dearly and wouldn’t be without them they have loads of energy and I don’t it is definitely tiring being an older mother so do keep this in mind. Sleepless nights are tough and you are likely to be one of the older mothers in the child’s classes at school/clubs etc.

Sorry should also have said I was high risk for both children for Downs etc. so I then had to decide if I wanted the additional screening. Which I opted for, honestly don’t know what I would have done if results had been different. The wait for those results is horrible. Then when they both came back clear I had the concern that the test itself can increase the risk of miscarriage so I was on edge for 2-3 weeks afterwards just in case. Not a relaxing time.

If you really want a third in your situation you are probably at just the right point. Leave it much longer and it will get harder and the age gap too big.

but with that argument you shouldn’t have any or only have one. But then there’s the ageing population problem. Such an enormous life decision such as 2 children vs 3 makes a much bigger impact on the immediate family than the wider world.

I also don’t get the argument of 2 being ‘okay’ because you’re just replacing yourselves. With that argument 3 is also fine as you’re replacing yourselves and your child free friend 🤷‍♀️

I wanted a third for so long. But I put it down to dealing with life’s transitions, as it came on more when my first started school and then when my second started preschool. It also was probably due to a hormone surge post natally and my age (mid to late 30s).

if you are going to do it, I’d get cracking, otherwise age and a bigger age gap will get bigger.

I don’t think you are too old, but you have to add on… can you do the school run for x more years.

do either of your children have additional needs? Look around at parents that have children with additional needs. It’s hard work, much harder than typical parenting and factor that could be a possibility.

For those saying that it would be good to have a sibling, that’s not automatic either.

I would look at the cons and if you still want another, do it

Ah but you won’t because all children over 9 months old are entitled to 30 hours ‘free’ childcare (provided Labour don’t get in and do a u turn on this!)