To want a 3rd child?

[broodybaby85]

I turn 39 this year. I have 2 children already with a large age gap (eldest turns 18 this year and youngest is almost 3). Been with my partner for almost 19 years (he's not the eldest's father).

I know my age will go against me, but I cannot shake the feeling that I want to do it "one last time". However, I also know that with 2 children already and the age gap, there are many cons to adding another.

Please Mumsnet, talk me out of this and help me to just be happy with the two beautiful children I have and get over with my longing for a third?? 😭

Maybe I need to see some of those cons in black and white?! 😂

Why don’t you try? See what happens? It sounds like you really want another child

@G535600 Sorry you are facing this but I think you are making the correct decision. It's an ongoing situation, and to ensure you can fully embrace your DC growing up, right up to uni visits, and even grandchildren, you don't want to be constantly pulled in every direction.

Don’t let your age put you off. I had my second at 40. Felt no different to having my first at 36

Get a dog, change ya job or hair colour. Work on you!!! DO you want a baby ad your bored? My god a 3rd would be hard work. They may have additional needs etc you never know what may happen. However if you want a 3rd just have one :)

I had one at 40 and a second at 42 and many women have babies in their early 40s. Your risk of pregnancy loss is a bit higher but you might not experience that all being well. I would spend a few months on a healthy diet and taking a good quality pre natal. The book ‘It Starts with an Egg’ is good. Whatever your lifestyle is like now will affect egg quality in three months time that’s why it’s wise to prepare. I wish I’d understood this as I went through multiple losses before finally sorting my lifestyle out. Not that it was that unhealthy and I can’t prove it was the problem but improve it did lead to a viable pregnancy. A Mediterranean diet is good for fertility and egg quality. Good luck!

My DF did something similar to this - two kids in his 20s, two in his 40s. I suppose it means you always have the cost of maintaining kids, rather over one part of your life (ie you've just finished paying for one child and then you have two more to pay for for the next 18 years) and I suppose that might have an effect on your retirement plans/ability to save for a pension. But that seems to be the main downside. If that's fine...

Not too old at all, btw.

I understand the going back and forth, looking on forums etc for some sort of decisive experience/ answer! I did this for ages too.
We took the plunge in the end. I am bow about to have my third in a few weeks at age 38 because I couldn’t shake the feeling I wanted it! So can’t yet tell you how it’s turned out - BUT I will say a couple of things -
Even after going back and forth for ages, I was VERY freaked out when I got pregnant - panicked hugely about whether we could really do it, what the impact on existing kids would be, and even wondered if I could really go through with it.
Now, I am excited and so is DH and my two kids, and we have a good setup, but I am still quite nervous - I’m not sure it’s possible to be sure you’ve done ‘the right thing’ - there is no right answer!
ALSO! The car thing has been SO much more of a stress than I thought it would be. When we were considering it everyone went in about the car and I was like OK a new car what’s the big deal. Well actually it IS a big deal - seven seaters are horrible and also cost a fortune especially if you don’t want one that looks like a bus and leaves you feeling like Anne from Motherland! We have realised we are going to have to shell out a good £20k for one I would even countenance driving, even with trading in our current nice SUV! Anyway maybe that’s obviously not a final consideration but just to be aware - it’s definitely a thing!
I actually think you’re in a good position though. It’s not as if you have twin toddlers or anything to make the experience hellish! - I wouldn’t have wanted to do a close age gap again personally as I didn’t enjoy the baby and toddler combo very much!! Having said that it’ll be nice for your younger one to have a closer- in- age buddy!
Good luck and let us know what you decide!

I had my 3rd at 41, she's a joy. However I'm now helping with child care to toddlers at 66. It's not easy

Personally, I think the nicest thing in the world for a child is to have siblings. Everything is more fun when there is someone of a similar age doing it alongside you. My kids favourite moments I think are with their siblings, laughing over nothing in the back of the car, or at the park - and I always feel sorry for only children, with only their parents for company....but that is personal opinion.

I was interested to see how many people have been saying "go for it" because, in all honesty, I would say the opposite.

I have 2 - had the first when I was 33 and the second when I was 37. Pregnancy with second was soooo much harder than the first (plus I had a miscarriage between the two which wasn't in my game plan), which really impacted on what I could do with my first who was then almost 4 so at a very different stage of things. Don't get me wrong, I adore my second and wouldn't have not done it but I just think it is easy to assume "I know how my body does pregnancy" and be caught out. I think things like hyperemesis and having a dysfunctional pelvis tend to get progressively worse with each pregnancy, though that may not be true for every one. Also, the older you get the higher the risk of a) twins and b) conditions like down syndrome. I have friends the same age as me who were pregnant at about the same time - one now has twins (spontaneous not IVF) and the other has a son with down syndrome and they are all very much loved 10 year olds now but come with additional challenges.

Finally, my sister has 3 with medium age gaps between them all and said adding her third was a much bigger challenge than she was expecting having had lots of people saying "one more doesn't make much odds". She found that because hers were always at different stages to one another, she couldn't just lump them in together so it really was 3 times as much work, with less of her to go around. Just because an eldest child is pretty much ready to leave the nest doesn't mean they won't still need your support as a young adult, emotionally, financially and otherwise.

Final thought - I know lots of people feel there's a "right" number of children for them, but I don't agree. I think any number can be the "right" number though that sometimes takes a bit of mental adjustment especially when broody hormones are raging.

All the best with whatever you decide

For me, it would be a no. And I'm not even 35 yet.
I have 2 boys already, youngest is almost 3.

My reasons not to:

• Increased costs of yet more years of nursery fees, wraparound school cover, later on its the clubs etc. All this would take money away from my 2 existing children that I could use to give them experiences or to help them out with tutoring (if they were struggling) or uni costs.
• Tiredness - I'm shattered with just 2. Both of us have good jobs and work FT and I think adding an extra person and the logistics of that into the mix would be hard. As it is, I find having 2 kids in 2 different schools hard enough in the mornings/pick ups (oldest in KS2 primary, youngest at preschool). Its so tiring.
• Pregnancy - my last pregnancy was difficult. Like you, I was admitted for sickness in 1st trimester, and whilst that did get better I also suffered later on with PGP and found walking about etc so hard. At the time, I had a just turned 4yr old who wanted me to take him to the park and play with him etc. and I just couldn't do it. I felt awful and like I was abandoning him a lot of the time. I wouldn't want to feel that again.

For you, I'd also worry that it might make your oldest feel pushed out a bit. Your younger two will have the same Dad and you'll be like a little family unit whilst she goes off an becomes an adult, and might feel a bit isolated. At 18, I was off to uni but I did still need and rely on my parents a lot in many ways.

I had my 4th at 40 - she's 2.5 now. My other kids are 14, 12 and 5. I didn't plan to be so old having the younger ones but had multiple miscarriages before number 3 and again before number 4. However, the pregnancies and births were very easy. Much better births than I had in my 20's with the older two.

I definitely found having a baby at 40 harder than at 28. I'm more tired and struggled a lot with the sleep deprivation. Now we're out of the breastfeeding / nappy / sleepless night stage I am so happy with our choices. My younger kids have an amazing bond and we have a lot of fun as a big chaotic family. I feel completely done and satisfied too - that niggling desire to have another baby is completely gone.. thank goodness because we have run out of bedrooms.

My friends were in a similar situation, had their 2 cute little kids in their mid 30s, perfect family. Then decided to have more in late 30s/early 40s, and both of the babies are disabled with extreme special needs, I think partially from a traumatic birth. The first kids are often helping out with the little ones (giving up their own childhood in part through not being able to go to or enjoy the activities they used to do because the babies are so much work and money) and the parents are frazzled 24/7. They look older than some 50 year olds I know. One secretly confided to me that even though they wouldn't change things for the world, sometimes they wish they'd stopped at 2 because they had a perfect life before and their first two kids have had to sacrifice so much. They're also extremely worried about what will happen in their later years because they'll never be independent and they as parents are just getting older.

ive Got 3 go for it.

I have a ten year gap between my middle kid and youngest, I was well and truly finished having kids until baby came along 🤣
Her current record for waking in the night is 19 times, she’s a contact nap baby, she hates being put down. I struggle to get anything done without her in her carrier and I still wouldn’t change it! Infact id love another even after her traumatic entrance and journey so far 🤣

sorry no help!

I’d say no to this.

If you had a rough pregnancy with your second, you are more likely to have another difficult pregnancy. No matter how supportive your DP is, I’m assuming he won’t be able to stop working in order to take on full time childcare for your 3 year old if you are in hospital for weeks at a time. This is what stopped me having a third child at 38 and I’ve never regretted it. I knew I had to put the needs of my older children before another potential baby.

Secondly, all the risks to you and the baby go up with age. How would you and your DP cope if the birth leaves you with injuries? Or a severely disabled child? Would you cope if you could never work again?

@broodybaby85 sorry to ask but is there a reason that you haven’t married your DP? Have you both made wills? Do you both have life insurance? Nobody ever thinks that their partner will leave them, one of them will die, lose their job, have a disabled child or become seriously unwell until it happens.

39 is older but not old old mum. I’d do it especially with eldest being 18.

You’re not old. It’s more unusual nowadays for people to have children as young as you did. Lots of people are only having their first kids into their mid-30s. All of my friends are that way and me too. I had my first at 35 and thinking about having another at 37. My friend just had her first at 37. I realise this might be different as you have two already but go for it if you want it. If you feel fit and you have the energy to do it all again then why not? Let your body decide if it’s possible!

I completely understand your longing for a 3rd baby, and I think the ages of your 2 other children are possibly a driving factor in this. Your eldest is almost an adult and on the verge of flying the nest; your youngest is no longer a baby and will be starting school in the next year or 2. I have 2 children and became extremely broody when, first my eldest started school, and then again when my youngest started. I was desperate for a 3rd child, but my dh had had a vasectomy after we had our youngest (with my full support) so it just wasn't an option.
The longing did pass and I'm now glad that we stuck with just the two.

If you do decide to have a 3rd you have to ask yourself if you're prepared to still be doing the school run when you're in your 50s; I know that would have been a deal breaker for me 😂. Not to mention all the after school clubs, parents evenings etc.
If this doesn't bother you then I think you really do need to take your last pregnancy into account. I know there's no guarantee that a future pregnancy will be the same, and you may sail through it, but what if you don't? You have to think of the impact this would have on your other children.

I do get, however, that it would be nice for dc2 to have a sibling closer in age, but there is no guarantee that they would get on, and by the time the baby arrives dc2 could be 4 or 5. I know this isn't a huge age gap but they will be at very different stages in their lives and have very different needs.

There is no right or wrong answer here and only you and your dp can make this decision. Broodiness is a very strong and compelling emotion, but it does pass and you can learn to be happy and content with what you've got. I wish you all the best, whatever you decide to do 😊

I had my 2nd child at 38 and there’s a 10 year age gap. I found the 2nd pregnancy much harder and the impact on my mental health has been significant. I love my baby but I miss the freedom I was starting to gain and I can’t help but look at the amazing holidays we can’t have with young children in tow and feel a little sad. I realise that sounds awful but I can’t help how I feel. I had been on the fence about having a baby at that age for a long time too. My advise would be to only do it if you are both 1000%

I wanted a third but didn’t go ahead as I have twins with additional needs. It became apparent to me that I couldn’t provide the support my existing children needed while holding a baby, or even running around after a toddler. My DS in particular has quite high needs (he’ll never live independently- DD I would say is 50/50).

My DC are now 14 and I’m 48 so that ship has sailed. I’m ok with it now and actually, it was the right decision for many reasons. However, left to respond to the urges of my ovaries I would have 100% had another child (probably around the age of 40/41).

I see from PP you said you make decisions emotionally so I doubt there’s much anyone could say to truly dissuade you. That primal urge to have a baby is very hard to resist!!

The only thing I would ask you is how would you cope with twins? How would you cope if your child had a disability/additional needs? Both of those things are more common in older mums.

How would you feel if your baby tested positive for Down Syndrome? Would you terminate? Would you feel able to make that decision without it destroying your mental health?

(For clarity I am not reigniting the debate on terminations!! It’s just something you need to have thought about OP as some women struggle more with these decisions. I’m not asking for your answer - just saying you need to be clear-headed).

Sorry for such a stark post. My instant response is nearly always to say yes, have the baby!!! I’m just trying to offer some insight based on the unexpected turns my life took when I had twins with very significant disabilities. My life changed irrevocably and I won’t ever be able to have the lifestyle that I expected. I’m fine with that and my DC are absolute beauties, but we lead a very different life to many.

We all face all of these risks when we have a baby at any age so you might feel as if it’s a negligible % chance. And that’s fair enough. But maybe just something to make sure you’re truly comfortable with as the risk does increase as you get older.

Don’t worry about age gaps. Me and my siblings are 29, 21, 15 and 7 (yes we are full siblings!) my mum had my youngest sister at 45 :’) go for it if your other half is happy too as well!

I’ve got three - like you I just couldn’t shake the longing to do it all one last time. That feeling is totally gone now, I feel finished and totally at peace. So I don’t regret it. Not sure if that helps you! 😂

It would be a great age gap. 4 years is fab.

However it sounds like you want to be talked out of it as opposed to be reassured how to make it work?