To want a 3rd child?

[broodybaby85]

I turn 39 this year. I have 2 children already with a large age gap (eldest turns 18 this year and youngest is almost 3). Been with my partner for almost 19 years (he's not the eldest's father).

I know my age will go against me, but I cannot shake the feeling that I want to do it "one last time". However, I also know that with 2 children already and the age gap, there are many cons to adding another.

Please Mumsnet, talk me out of this and help me to just be happy with the two beautiful children I have and get over with my longing for a third?? 😭

Maybe I need to see some of those cons in black and white?! 😂

"And for others it wouldn't be as they are heartless?

I just dont think it needed to be said"

Not at all. Everyone copes differently. But I think you're trying to find offence in something in that's completely innocent.

As a women who has had a termination (which wasn't in any way easy) I didn't find her post at all offensive.

About 4 years ago I was desperate for a third!

Husband was totally against it though so quickly hopped off and had a vasectomy.

I was disappointed at the time, and I still wonder what it would have been like to have had a third but I just focus on the two wonderful children I have.

I’m sure there are lots of cons but sadly I never got to find out 😂

As for the OP, I actually think you should go for a third! The fact that your eldest is practically an adult makes this situation far different. If they were still little, I would say you shouldn't try, but it might be nice for your younger child to have a younger sibling. If you can truly afford it financially, I say go for it.

Back to OP.
@broodybaby85 sorry your second one sounds tough 😣😢 it’s mad how quickly we forget this though.
The hospital stay would be a factor but you say you have a supportive husband so that’s great.

That is another thing, OP. How does your husband feel? If he doesn't want a second child, you shouldn't have one. If he does, you should.

Not necessarily… I have a fiesta and we’ve managed to fit the whole family in it. DS1 and 2 in Axkid Minikid 4s in the back seat, DS3 in baby carrier in passenger seat (with air bag turned off) DH in the middle in the back. Is a tight squeeze mind you!

I had DS3 aged 38 last year, DS1 is 4, DS2 is 2. We’re only a few months in but so far it’s been great- but I am knackered!

Think that’s a bit unfair, it’s just a short hand way of saying you would personally not consider it for moral reasons or perhaps how you perceive the baby inside of you. Just as people who wouldn’t consider eating meat as they find the whole idea of killing that cute little lamb to eat awful. People are allowed to find things personally sad and distasteful. It doesn’t necessarily mean they are judging you

If you’re in a happy and healthy relationship with the father of your youngest child and don’t have any pressing housing or financial problems I would definitely have a third child.
Due to the big age gap between your first and second, practically speaking you’re not really going to have to contend with the same practical problems most families face when considering a third. It will also give your second child will have a sibling much closer age to grow up with.

love this 🤩

I've just had a third, at 41. There is a 5.5 year age gap between DC2 and DC3. It's wonderful and has made me really happy. 😁

I would go for it (sorry you didn’t want that post).

Your eldest is 18 and independent (in the sense you don’t need to do school runs to take to doctor). You aren’t going to be thinking, “how do we get 3 car seats in a car”.

Your 3 year old will have a sibling much closer in age.

I think it comes down to if you want to do anything else in life beyond looking after children. Do you have good childcare that would give you the freedom to do the things to want as well as being a mum?

Being responsible for a child under 18 from age 21 to potentially 57 is a large chunk of your life. For some motherhood can be really restricting.

What are your finances like? That would be my main concern.

If that and your health is in order, why not?

@LovelyTheresa
He is unsure and torn on it at the moment (we both are really, hence my post here). But he's not a definite no. I'd say he's definitely got less of a longing than I have.

@RiderofRohan
Finances are good, both partner and I have secure well paid jobs. Health is good, albeit my second pregnancy was brutal on my body as per my previous post. However, not enough to make me say never again, obviously as I'm considering it😬

It’s shitty shorthand. Unless you mean it literally isn’t an option because the pregnancy has progressed past the cut off point (as in the PP’s case- but it’s rare that people mean it that way) there absolutely is a judgement being made in that statement, whether consciously or not, because abortion is an option. It may not be an option you’d take for whatever reason, but it’s still an option, and saying “it wasn’t an option for me” implies that you are somehow on a different moral plane to those that it is an option for.

Apologies OP I didn’t mean to get sidetracked

I'm pregnant with my 3rd and my other two are ages 2 and 1 😅 your eldest is technically an adult so I agree a pp is right in saying that it will be technically 2 children. No need to get a new car? Plus your 3 yo will have someone to grow up with 😊 go for it!! You're not 40 yet.

Think of how much time and effort you can devote to your 3 year old, how much attention as she starts school etc with no small baby as well.

No it means it’s just not quite as bigger deal as for some people, which in reality is quite true e.g. some people terminate as they don’t feel in the best circumstances with their finances, age, career, relationships etc, whereas other in exactly the same circumstances continue with the pregnancy and accept life might be a bit tough for a while and not the life they had hoped for. No doubt those who terminated would of far rather just rather turned back the clock if they’d had the choice as not a decision anytime wants to have to make or go through and no doubt too they don’t forget the date, due date etc so they are still sad

Due to your age it might take you longer than you think to conceive. There's also additional risks for an older mum and child to an older mum. Your youngest might be 4 or 5 by the time you give birth and that's quite a big age gap (and there's already a huge age gap between your current two children).

There was an informal MN survey a few years back, and a huge majority - I think it was 84 percent - said that much as they loved their third child, if they had their time again they'd stick with two. Lots of reasons given by different people, such as the logistics of three different after-school clubs (not a problem for you!), holidays, the expense, and the fact that our planet is already overcrowded.

For goodness sake anything is an option, putting your child up for adoption is an option but not something a lot of us would consider is an option for us. Of course in the most extreme circumstances it may be an option any of us would have to consider but the poster was simply saying that abortion wasn’t an option she would of considered

I dunno , I just dont think that needs to be said, you had a third child...I had a second I wouldn't be bringin up into conversation why I didnt abort, its not relevant

The question was to have a third child, anyway dont want to change to thread to an abortion debate, just thought I would highlight my thoughts on when women say these things. I have read so many threads of women that are heartbroken from the decision they made, just think its nice to bare that in mind