To want a 3rd child?

[broodybaby85]

I turn 39 this year. I have 2 children already with a large age gap (eldest turns 18 this year and youngest is almost 3). Been with my partner for almost 19 years (he's not the eldest's father).

I know my age will go against me, but I cannot shake the feeling that I want to do it "one last time". However, I also know that with 2 children already and the age gap, there are many cons to adding another.

Please Mumsnet, talk me out of this and help me to just be happy with the two beautiful children I have and get over with my longing for a third?? 😭

Maybe I need to see some of those cons in black and white?! 😂

I fell completely out of the blue with number 3. We were shocked! But was excited. Planning etc. unfortunately I had a mmc at 10 weeks and we were devastated as we had come round to the idea of 3 and were gutted. I fell again (sort of unintentionally planned by both of us if that makes sense) the next month and we were delighted. I was 39. Perfect pregnancy (although worried!) and planned c section due to breech and previous tears. Completed our family with a girl after two boys. Only you know how you feel about it

It’s not age that would deter me in your situation, you’re not too old at all, but your experience of your second pregnancy. You could be in a situation where you’re so ill you’re hardly able to look after your DC2 for months and I wouldn’t personally want to risk that.

I had my first at 39. I think the pregnancy took more out of me than it would have done as a younger woman, but anyone can have a tough pregnancy. Baby and I are all good. It’s not unusual to have babies into your 40s now.

If both your current children were teenagers I'd say absolutely no don't do it. But you have a 3 yr old, so the baby days are not a dim rose tinted memory, so if you really are broody and want to provide your youngest with a playmate sibling, I'd say go for it.

40 when I had my first (just didn't pan out earlier as hoped) and hoping to have a second when he's around 2. I say it's the things in life we don't do that we regret rather than the things we do, as you'll always wonder "what if?"

If you're healthy and had straightforward pregnancies/births before why not? Your baby would be loved and wanted and that's what counts 🥰

Everyone's situation is different. We went for a third and love her to bits. But I can't help but wondering if a lot of my health issues were brought on by it. After having her at 36, I have had a lot of issues. I suspect auto immune (getting tests for it). After years of suffering low energy finally got bloods to show I am anemic. I think perhaps with better planning (taking iron after each delivery) the anemia could have been prevented. I lost a lot of blood with each delivery bc I tore, but no one mentioned to take iron after. And combined with heavier periods as I got older I think the tipping point was third dc. I am now taking iron prescribed by doctor so praying that helps and I can get my health back.

Anyway, we are super happy to have 3, love her to bits. But pregnancy is def harder on your body the older you get. But that being said, plenty of women have babies older age and are fine with no issues.

I had easy pregnancies with mine at 39 & 42. Yes baby days are knackering whilst you're in the trenches but it does go so fast.

Yes it is expensive but you'll have one at or almost at school which will help and I think it's easier having 2 small children than having an only child

Hi, I have 3 children & was almost 40 when I had my 3rd child. There is a 16yr age gap between my eldest & youngest.
Nowadays having a child in your late 30's into early 50's is not uncommon.
I would say the only thing is, my eldest 2 will be 36 & 34 this year & my youngest 20. They don't really have a lot in common or a close relationship. My youngest says he feels almost like an only child although he does love his older 2 brothers.
Only you can decide in the end but good luck with a healthy pregnancy if you do decide to go ahead with 3rd child.

Interesting thread... I am grappling with this myself as the moment OP. I'm 39 this year.

My second, while a delight in so many ways, has been really hard work (totally allergic to sleep for the first four years) so I really have no idea why I want a third. It's a desire I can't explain logically. I guess it's purely biological...

I really want to be logical about it though! I know, logically, I should focus on my two wonderful children, and be content with that. We have a nice life, and we've just stopped paying insane childcare bills (part time wrap around costs nothing in comparison!) and I'm getting a bit of the "old me" back. But I feel mildly panicked at the thought of not having one more. I think it is not helped by the fact that time seems to be flying past at lightning speed and my smallest baby is now FIVE... where has that time gone? Although again, logically, I know that throwing another baby into the mix isn't going to magically slow time down (in fact it might do the opposite).

I am trying to make my peace with it, because I think deep down I know we're probably done (DH would be perfectly happy to stick to two children) and the logistics make no sense (we would need a bigger car, potentially bigger house, it would stretch us financially particularly in the current economic climate). I'm also hardly world's greatest mum, I find having two hard work a lot of the time!

But then I look around and everyone seems to be having a third (well not everyone, but a fair few) and I feel that longing.

Ironically I was not maternal in the slightest until I got pregnant with my eldest.

No idea what to do! Trying to be logical about it and failing miserably.

If you find the answer, please let me know!

OP do you think your eldest might feel pushed out by having two siblings who are so much younger than her, at the moment she’s just a big sister to one, but if there’s two younger ones it might feel more like it’s its own new family unit if that makes sense?

Talk about being triggered over absolutely nothing. She fell pregnant unexpectedly and didn’t want a termination end of. She didn’t say it was due to a religious conviction, who cares if it was or wasn’t, she didn’t want one end of

Is the abortion debate still going on on this thread? 🙄

Yes it makes sense and it's certainly something to consider, as I'd never want her to feel that way. She's a fantastic elder sister to her younger sibling, and has never expressed feeling pushed out of the family unit (she's obviously very much a part of that unit!!), but she is more naturally more independent due to her age so she comes and goes to college / work / her boyfriends, and I suspect she'd have been doing that regardless of a new sibling as it's something that comes with age? But when she is here it's clear she dotes on her little sister. But you're right. I'm not sure how a 2nd little sibling would feel to her.

They may mean it literally. Either through finding out too late or live in a US state where its not allowed.

@Dogdo
Ahh seems we are in a similar dilemma! We also have the nursery fee reduction coming up this year so we'd back to paying astronomical fees again with a third🤦🏼‍♀️ Definitely something to think about isn't it. But like you, I cannot be logical about it, it's purely an emotional longing, if that makes sense? 😭

I posted a similar thread recently, although my two are younger. What is really putting me off is the idea it could be twins (risk increases with age!) or of something happening physically to either me or a new baby which would then impact on how well I am able to care for my existing two children. Holidays, cars, finances, rooms etc can all be managed I think, for me it’s whether I want to risk upsetting what we have now.

Yes, very valid point, I couldn't even get out of bed to get myself a glass of water some days with my 2nd pregnancy. I dread to think of looking after a toddler in that situation if I were to have another awful pregnancy.

I’m one of three and had three myself. I love it! Sorry not sure that’s the answer you wanted : )

It's just a biological urge, a very strong one, but that's the truth.

If you were lucky and fell pregnant very quickly then fine, go for it. But TTC at your age can be very stressful, in which case it can become all consuming and suck the joy out of life. (I speak as someone who knows.)

Might have been said but aren’t twins more likely as we get older when two eggs may be released?

But she is old enough to talk to her about it if you wanted to and find out. I didn’t specifically ask my eldest if it was ok, he was 13 when I fell pregnant. But he knew it was something I’d wanted, and he once spoke to his step dad without my knowledge about why he (the step dad) was saying no. Afterwards my partner told me that this conversation was a bit factor in him deciding it was a good idea because my son seemed quite keen on the idea. And he is very excited, said to me the other day ‘mum when the baby os born and you need a little break I’ll be able to take him out for a little walk in the pram wont i’.
lots of people won’t realise the differences between pregnancies and having a baby with a larger age gap. Eg last night I left the two kids downstairs having dinner while I went to lie down, my eldest got them some fruit and pudding when they’d finished and cleared the dishes away afterwards. Then put the tv on for the youngest before going to do his homework. She is also not a little one, so is perfectly capable of coming up to find me if she needs something. You get a lot more rest in your pregnancies when the kids are older and at school etc. I have 5 days a week with no children with me for 6 hours a day! I can literally sleep all day if I feel like it 😂 that makes for a much easier pregnancy than someone going through pregnancy with a 18 month old and leading to a 2 year age gap. So that’s also something to consider. x

This was the deciding factor for me. My health is not good.

I had no 3 at almost 41. 4.5 years gap from no 2. All siblings get on really well. Your eldest will be doing her own thing and so for holidays etc within a couple of years you will be a family of 4 as eldest will be going on holiday with friends/partner etc. . No 3 was the easiest pregnancy and post-partum recovery! I would say go for it. Loads of women have babies at your age. My middle one was starting school while I was with the youngest so it meant I could give them time, so better than the 2.5 year gap I had with nos 1 and 2 . 3 is the magic number!

Yes this is one of my reasons in the pro column I guess. My eldest will be off to uni living her own life in the next few years, possibly even getting married and having her own baby, who knows! So my 3 yo is more likely to grow up as my eldest did - an only child (my eldest was an only child until age 14). It didn't do my eldest any harm obviously- she's a lovely well rounded young lady.

But having that fuller family unit for my youngest is definitely a pull for me. My partner thinks slightly differently and this is where we don't entirely agree - he feels we have a lovely family unit currently and that our youngest completes us, and we can give her all of our attention (and finances) as she grows up, and that adding another to that mix dilutes some of that and potentially "spoils" what we have. Having said that, he's not a 100% no either. 😬

I'm not sure I'd want to have another child if my husband was not really keen to have another one, especially if my last pregnancy was terrible. I had my last child at 40 and it contributed to the destruction of my health and i've never been able to work since.....you have to be sure your OH is prepared to deal with this! Are you unmarried?? if not i'd also want to have all my financial ducks in order.