To want a 3rd child?

[broodybaby85]

I turn 39 this year. I have 2 children already with a large age gap (eldest turns 18 this year and youngest is almost 3). Been with my partner for almost 19 years (he's not the eldest's father).

I know my age will go against me, but I cannot shake the feeling that I want to do it "one last time". However, I also know that with 2 children already and the age gap, there are many cons to adding another.

Please Mumsnet, talk me out of this and help me to just be happy with the two beautiful children I have and get over with my longing for a third?? 😭

Maybe I need to see some of those cons in black and white?! 😂

Children in the global north put 240x the pressure on global resources - many of which are becoming scarce - compared to children in eg Africa. You are blessed to have 2 children & a good life.

Going to add a bit of a negative post here... I posted on MN nearly 4 years ago about whether I should have an abortion with my 3rd baby (who's now nearly 4 and sleeping next to me).

I posted in AIBU (yes, I know...!) about how both my DH and parents were asking if I could consider an abortion as it was an unplanned pregnancy, and basically they thought I wasn't fit/healthy enough and we couldn't afford it. I understood their reasons, yet I had huge issues with having an abortion. In spite of this, I even went along to the abortion clinic at around 3 months, and when the nurse said "why do you want an abortion?" I think I burst into tears and said I didn't.

An extremely long thread on MN, with many people telling me I was selfish etc, how I wasn't considering all the options, and I did get extremely flamed... it obviously resulted in me keeping DD.

However, I did end up having a c-section on my own, at the start of the first lockdown, which was pretty scary. I also had horrible PND which I hadn't had with either of my previous pregnancies - the toll on my health was much worse. My ferritin levels were very low which contributed to my depression and made my neurological involuntary movement disorder much worse too.

I'm not painting a great picture here, but I promise it's not all bad. I love my beautiful daughter with all my heart and don't regret having her. She is beautiful, funny, kind and a real character, she lights up our lives.

But she did nearly break me and my marriage. So I have to say, in all honesty, 3 children may not have been the best thing ever for me, but I still wouldn't ever change anything about my family.

My experience - I felt the same at late 30’s. I’m convinced now it was just a change in hormones as now I’m more informed of peri-menopause symptoms i can see I was just starting to get aching joints and change in cycle etc.
my body’s last hurrah I suppose.
No regrets as now 44, two expensive teenagers and fully menopausal.
If you're sure you really want to and can afford it, go for it OP, but just be sure it’s not hormones playing tricks on you!

I’ve just had my 3rd child, aged 38.
Shes the perfect addition to our family. I say go for it!

Age is definitely a deciding factor too. I was the same age as you and felt I was a lot harder on my body, and the post natal hormonal fluctuations were much tougher. It was, as I've read, equivalent to the hormone levels dropping at menopause... it's really made me dread the menopause, totally 😫

Just adding another perspective…currently pregnant with an unplanned third and have a termination booked for this week.

Prior to falling pregnant I was desperate for a third but DH wasn’t keen, but as soon as I saw the positive test I just felt scared.

The lovely life we have at the moment - 2 beautiful, happy, healthy children who love each other, we are financially comfortable, life is getting easier and we are about to have a lot more disposable income as dc2 is due to start school (they are 5 and 3 atm, would be 6 and nearly 4 when this one due)…a third puts all of this at risk. Yes we would love a the baby but if anything goes wrong then it’s my existing kids who suffer - if my health is affected, or if dc3 had additional needs, and even if not, there is less time and money for dcs1 and 2. I think if the age gap had been smaller the balance might have tipped again, but when DC1 is 8 I want to be doing fun things with him, not dragging him round activities with a 2 year old.

If you honestly want reasons to put you off, then I have to say I'm with your DP.

The likelihood is that your eldest will be home for most of the Uni holidays and possibly live with you for several years after, she may (even unwittingly) feel resentful that every time she visits home the baby gets all the focus, or she's expected to pitch in with childcare (even if it's just while you have a shower/use the loo) and she doesn't get to spend time with you the way she used to; it could harm your relationship with her.

Financially it will be a burden and push back your retirement age considerably; you may not be thinking about that yet, but when you're 60 and knackered and realise you need to work for a decade longer to pay for retirement, you'll feel it then.

Lastly, and like most people, you are assuming you will have a healthy birth and a healthy baby. As you age, the chances of that decrease. Are you physically, financially and mentally able to raise a child whose full-time needs mean that you can never work again? If you were to die during childbirth, would your DP raise your eldest as their own and would he cope mentally and physically as a single father to a motherless baby, a 4/5yr old and a teen?

Obviously, this is at the extreme end of what might happen, but you did ask to be put off and I can fully understand why your DP doesn't want to take that risk, which ultimately is the real reason why you shouldn't try for a third - your partner doesn't want to 🤷‍♀️

I agree with PP that maybe you could ask your eldest how she might feel. Did she ever express any opinions about being an only child for so long, if it’s something she would have liked growing up would she resent you for giving your younger child a sibling?

Not that it’s her decision of course, but seeing as your DH isn’t fully behind trying for another it might help swing the decision either way.

I don't think you are too old. Also I don't think you will be too stretched time wise since your eldest is pretty much off to Uni. Although I am sure she will need you in other ways. Will having the baby affect what/ where / how etc she goes to uni?

There was a thread that made me thing there a few weeks ago, a woman was saying she had her DD at 40 and all was fine she didn't feel too old but now at 50 dropping her 10 yr old DD to school she feels old. It made me think a little, I am 36 having my 2nd.

My sister had her 3rd at 38 (nearly 39) she had a few more complications with him and ended up spending 6 weeks in hospital but I don't think that was age related just bad luck.

DH is the youngest of 3, his 2 older siblings are a year apart then 10 years until him. He always says he felt like he grew up as an only child.

Why on a thread where you've asked people to give you all the downsides of having a third is this thread full of people banging on about having a third being great. We're overpopulated on a tiny island where having more kids is making more adult competition for them in terms of jobs etc. All of which will probably be done by AI anyway then. As a few people have pointed out, sensibly, it's just your bio clock clanging. Enjoy the little one you have and go with what your husband thinks. Also remember your 2nd pregnancy, was it ever life threatening? Could it leave your husband and little child without you and with another baby to cope with?

Yep. It was an option, they didn't choose it.

You are 39, do you not have any ambitions, no adult interests that you want to develop. It might be studying for a career or just for your own sake? No hobbies you wish to develop further. No interest in current affairs or politics?
Do you value yourself in terms of rearing a young child above all else?
As my 2 grew up I had plans for myself, slightly different and separate to the family plans we had together.

@DoIhavegreeneyes

I spent 15 years studying and working for my career, including completing 3 degrees, including a PhD, as a single mum to my now almost 18 year old. My PhD research was also published a few years ago, before I fell pregnant with my 2nd. So my hard paid off and I'm in a well paid job now, that I'm proud of and I enjoy. But after 15 years of chasing that dream, I'm done with my career ambitions for a while and ready for them to take a backseat ☺️

I started trying for a second at 39, having fallen pregnant immediately on trying at 31 I assumed I was pretty fertile. However, I was almost out of eggs and needed two gruelling years of fertility treatment to have my son at 41. If you’re considering it I’d say go and get a full fertility MOT before you potentially waste months trying (like I did) Also, be aware that having a baby ‘later in life’ 🙄 is much harder - I’m bloody knackered! And now perimenopausal to boot.

@broodybaby85 i think you should give more thought to the work, time and money involved in supporting your children through the teenage and early adult years.

Theres a lot of focus on things like car seats and baby equipment. But these are pennies compared with the costs of children.

Lost wages, pension and promotion costs ( almost always to the mum ), physical trauma of pregnancy , labour, birth and breast feeding (mum again)
cost of going part time or paying for childcare (mum again )
all the things you can’t do as a family because of the costs of two young children

But the BIG costs of children are childcare when small and as teenagers. There are almost NO economies of scale with teens - two are at least twice the work and cost of one.

You might be able to persuade two primary children to do the same hobbies/ sports / classes as each other , to get them to hand down clothes and toys and do the same things at weekends etc . Good luck doing that with teenagers.

It’s really not the same as when most of us reading this were teenagers. The expectations of parents of teens are now much higher, in terms of taxiing then around , being involved in their studies and of course supplying expensive clothes and gadgets.

@broodybaby85 i know you are judge at the start of this now, but supporting your children through college / university / into the housing ladder is phenomenally expensive. Every day there are threads here on MN of parents of 18 years olds who have apparently only just realised that

there are no grants now
that student loans have to be repaid ( the clue’s in the name)
that the loan won’t even pay for accommodation in mostly university cities
that most students now expect a much higher standard of living than 20 years ago and more disposable income than many working people
many courses are not the three years you might be planning for - they can be 4, 5 and 6 years

So my advice to you is make sure that you have factored in all these costs. Including your own plans for retirement. Because if you have children late, you will be working a lot longer than many of your friends and family to support your kids.

The other long term issue you need to factor in is divorce. I’m sorry to mention this but it happens to between one third and one half of us. If you have a this child you’d be wise to ensure that you alone can support your children . Because the sad reality is that most dads DONT do this after a divorce. Around one half stop all contact within 2 years and very few pay half the cost of raising their kids.

I know no one wants to think about that, but it’s the reality. No one thinks it will happen to then until it does. I have three kids and I’m going to be working full time until I’m 67 just to support my youngest through university.

However I don’t have elderly parents to care for as well. Some of my friends have had to go part time in their 60s to care for a mum / dad as well as supporting their kids .

No doubt someone will come along and say “ my parents never gave me a penny , I ate dry bread and worked 30 hours a week on night shift to get through uni. “ That’s great for you, but it’s not what I wanted for my children.

So that’s what I’d be factoring into my plans if I were you.

The broodiness you are feeling now is your hormones talking. You need to make this type of decision with your head and not your heart.

@chaosmaker
My life was never in danger but the pregnancy was rough. The labour would have been life threatening if we weren't in a hospital with medical staff on hand to perform and assisted delivery to get DD out as she was badly stuck. The impact of the birth was more emotional than physical, if I'm honest. I was quite traumatised by the experience and struggled to talk about it for the first year or so. I've since had therapy and I'm a lot better now. But it's not something to minimise, I'm aware of that. I did go through a significant trauma bringing my second child into the world.

Some people genuinely feel more strongly about different things. For instance when there was that plane crash in the Andes and people had to eat the remains of others to survive, some people did that and others did not feel able to do that (and died.)

Something can be psychologically an option for one person that isn't for another.

that student loans have to be repaid ( the clue’s in the name)

@N0Tfunny Loans, particularly for Arts degrees, are effectively a grant for a lot of people because they will never earn enough to have to start repaying them. The threshold for having to start repaying is over £27,000 for most of the loans now.

@broodybaby85 Your education/career achievements are impressive, well done. Top 1% I would think.
Two interesting points upthread.

1. About maternity services; they are probably not as good as when you last used them
2. Care of older children. As mine became teens I was very busy with them. Much more management than cooking the fish fingers. I happened to like those early teen years more than all the others.

But I did start in my early 20s. So mid 30s I had teenagers. DH only a little older. You will be a tremendous success whatever you choose, Best Wishes.

I'm definitely aware that student loans are repayable. I didn't think there was any other type of student loan? I took mine out in 2003 when I started my first degree aged 18. I finished paying it off a couple years ago at age 37 😱

I’m 40 this year and I’ve been feeling the same (my 2 are 18 and 11), however I do think it’s the fear of getting older and not being able to have anymore after menopause as I didn’t feel like this a few years ago. Husband had vasectomy years ago though so it’s not even an option for me! X

My mother got pregnant again when I was 18.
She had a horrible pregnancy and was in and out of hospital. That left me in a position of having to take care of younger siblings, study, and be worried about her. Eventually the baby was born and they were ok, and that then meant studying with a new born baby in the house.

There was no money so no financial support was available at all for me, which inevitably impacted on my choices. There wasn't enough space in the house so I had to move out as soon as I graduated. She could never work again because of disabilities due to the illness. Every time I was home from university I was the default childcare. They were so small when I moved out that there has never been a proper sibling relationship.

This was all many years ago now, I still think that my parents were ridiculous and selfish, the illness could not have been predicted but they certainly could have done the bloody maths. Its not always a good idea just because you want it to be.

I had my eldest at 36 and my youngest at 38 with a 2yr4m age gap. I’m 39 now with a toddler and baby. I do have to admit that I think I’m less able to deal with the lack of sleep than my younger mum friends and there’s also less flexibility my job - being older, I’ve worked my way up to an Exec level role which means I need to be available if and when the shit hits the fan, which could be anytime and doesn’t work very well with baby and toddler bedtimes/wakings etc. BUT I wouldn’t change it for the world, and I honestly think I (personally) am a way better mum now than I could have been when I was younger. As your eldest is practically an adult and your youngest is (hopefully) past the hardest bits of toddlerhood, I would definitely do it if I were you. Sorry I know that’s not the answer you were looking for!! 😂

This is just your hormones

Sit tight, if history repeats itself you could be a granny in 3 years and get your fill of newborn cuddles then.

If DD leaves home at 18, then you produce a new sibling, she will never have as close a relationship with the younger due to not living in the same house at the same time. There is the possibility of the younger ones being more of a gang, and the older one not being in it.

Siblings often do not get along as children. Don't assume younger will be best buddies with middle one. You are already used to socialising a singleton, doing playdates etc. Let that continue.

The time when we need our siblings most is when dealing with death of the parents. (Sorry to bring this up) It will not matter that there is such an age gap in MANY DECADES when this happens.

What if you have a terrible pregnancy and birth again?

You will be older and more tired so sleepless nights will be harder to deal with.

You (hopefully) enjoy your current standard of living and like the things you are able to do as a family. There will be less cash available for the family to spend the more people there are in it. Would you need to drop your hours? Even mat leave has an impact.

What if you get PND?

What if youngest has additional needs that take over all your time and funds?
Sorry, shit happens.

And lets not forget world population explosion, food shortages globally, housing shortages locally......and all of your DCs going on to have 2-3 of their own.

HTH

This is what we have to do, kind of. We have a tiny 9 year old who still needs a car seat, and a 2 year old who is still rear facing. I don't drive so husband is in the drivers seat, and we have an 18 year old who is 6ft2 so I have to sit between the seats in the back. Its a squeeze but doable. X