To want a 3rd child?

[broodybaby85]

I turn 39 this year. I have 2 children already with a large age gap (eldest turns 18 this year and youngest is almost 3). Been with my partner for almost 19 years (he's not the eldest's father).

I know my age will go against me, but I cannot shake the feeling that I want to do it "one last time". However, I also know that with 2 children already and the age gap, there are many cons to adding another.

Please Mumsnet, talk me out of this and help me to just be happy with the two beautiful children I have and get over with my longing for a third?? 😭

Maybe I need to see some of those cons in black and white?! 😂

I’ve had exceptionally difficult pregnancies with the first two aswell. This has been by far my easiest and most straight forward pregnancy.

@broodybaby85 overpopulation is a good reason not to have any more. Your biological clock is ticking and telling you to have another. Biology is not rational though. Why do you want to be talked out of it? If you really did want another then you'd not have started this thread. Haven't read it all but hope others have helped rather than hindered your decision.

Do it, op 😍 have that third!

Have you factored in the cost of university and childcare and any loss of earnings? I think student finance parental contributions might be calculated from the previous year too, so the nightmare scenario might be you work the year before the eldest goes to university, then stop to look after the baby but also are expected to support the oldest at university.

We have a 21 month old and my partner who’s 40 gets actually unwell from the sleep deprivation from our 3rd with massive age gaps. I had forgotten the level of tiredness.

I’ve only ever wanted 2 kids.. got them with a 9 yr age gap.. then ended up with 2 extra.. so now have 15,6,3&1 and my gosh it’s exhausting even though it’s only temporary I’m constantly tired, I got rid of the sleepless nights etc and can’t wait for them to go back

Perhaps I’m in the minority, but I’m one of three and absolutely loved my childhood. My siblings and I are still so close now, they are my best friends and I love the chaos that comes with a big family!

I'm not the one to talk you out of it.

I am 37 and I have a 3 1/2 year old, a 2 year old and an 8 week old hehe.

Go for it.

OP, I wouldn’t worry about your age. I’ll be 40 when my second is born and I’ve found this pregnancy far easier than my first. I think some pregnancies just suck and others don’t - I’m not sure it has much to do with age. I was also fully prepared for the ‘geriatric’ term to be used, but my age has never been mentioned by midwives and my pregnancy has been deemed low risk. I think as long as you’re generally healthy, that’s all that matters (and I’m no gym bunny either!)

It obviously has to be your decision finance / childcare / lifestyle / sleep wise, but it sounds to me like you should go for it, especially if age is your main concern for not doing it.

I agree that given your elder child’s age, it would be more like having two children than three. And when your eldest moves out, your little ones will still have each other at home.

Having 3 is fab. I think my dcs are quite happy. They're teens and they have their ups and downs due to normal teen stuff like exams and nagging them to keep rooms tidy and getting off their phones but they get on fine with each other and still enjoy hanging out with family.
I know many people who had dcs in their 40's. If your body is capable, then you're not too old.

Not at all too old. Mum had my younger brother when she was that age in the 1969. Even then, it wasn't that old. Today, while other have pointed out, medically there are still similar concerns, but treatments, diagnoses etc, not to mention societal views have changed immeasurably.
If you, partner & ££ are on board, go for it.

Nearly everyone I know is having kids at 39. When I go to collect my kid from school they are all older mums now....totally the norm. If you've only got a 3 year old then go for it ....a little buddy for them.

It's nothing to do with being heartless. I'm a biochemist and I wouldn't feel the slightest twinge of guilt for aborting because my understanding of neurodevelopment means there's nothing to feel guilty about.

If other people talking about their views can trigger you into feeling guilty about having an abortion, then kindly you need to get your backside to counselling, stat.

A real concern for older mums is birth abnormalities like Downs. The figures shoot up as you get towards 40. If this is something you could cope with, that's fine, but don't go ahead without looking into the risks.

I say go for it, I had my third at 39 with a three year gap. Your second child will love having a sibling nearer their age. The eldest is practically gone. But will probably dote on it.

We had our first when I was 26, his brother arrived when I was 36, massive surprise, and their sister arrived when I was 41, again a massive surprise. My last pregnancy was the easiest (for me) by far, but was induced as high blood pressure. I think if finances and practicalities are all sorted go for it!

I had a third in my late thirties - my first two were 6 and 20 months at the time
you’ll need
1.a bigger car for the car seats and pram
2.Maybe a double pushchair or buggy board - bb killed my back tho
3.the sleep deprivation was horrendous
4.my no3 was a cryer when the first two weren’t.

would I do it again ? No ( no 3 was a surprise)

I don’t have the big age gap you do OP but I had my third last year aged 39, I turned 40 at the end of last year. I didnt find the pregnancy that much harder than the others. I think the harder bits were because it was my third baby in 5 years so that took a toll rather than my age. DS is our last and now 9 months, I’m already missing the newborn snuggles and cuteness but we are done. Go for it lol.

I’m going to be 40 this year, my eldest is 10 and my youngest is 6. I very much wanted (want) a third, my husband very much does not and that has been the deciding factor for us. As time passes and my youngest gets older I don’t exactly want it less, but it gets easier to accept. My last pregnancy was much harder than my first, and since then i was involved in a car accident and I now walk with a limp and can’t run after my youngest when he gets going. Add to that I’m doing a masters, my eldest has a very expensive hobby, and we’re getting to the stage where we can do more things as a family - it’s not going to work out for us. We have an extensive cons list, the only actual pro even I could come up with was ‘I’m not done’. I also know of a couple of women who went for a third and ended up with twins, so there’s that.

@broodybaby85 Why not have a go? It'll either happen or it won't x Leave it in the 'lap of the Gods.'

Also while it can be true that it can take longer to conceive the older you get. My first at 25 I was tttc for about a year. My second was conceived while on contraception!! And my third was conceived within the first cycle of trying, I had the implant removed and didn’t have another period. Ages 25, 34 and 38.

I had my 2nd at 38, eldest was 4. They are now 7 and 2.5. Many of my friends were my age or older when they had their kids. You’re not too old so that isn’t a con, really. The other stuff like kids are expensive is though, which is why aren’t having anymore! Once free hours kick in for youngest we only have to pay wraparound and that’s going to be a lot easier!

It would be interesting to know how your oldest child would feel about it - squeezed out and forgotten, or excited at the thought of another baby half-sibling? What effect will it have on the family dynamic and how would you cope with complications - during pregnancy, at birth, or post-birth (for you and/or the baby(ies)? I think you should want another one enough to be able to envisage things not quite working out as planned, rather than just imagining the fantasy, lovely version where everything goes smoothly, everyone around you is happy and you all live happily ever after, all family relationships robust and intact.

I would normally say, ‘don’t do it’. But with the age gap between your first and second, your older child will be independent and may even have left home by the time you have another, so on a day to day basis, you will end up with a pretty average family with 2 kids fairly close in age. So in your case, I don’t see why not.

I totally agree. It’s not that abortion wasn’t an option. Abortion was absolutely an option but they decided not to do it. Because every woman should have that choice.