To want a 3rd child?

[broodybaby85]

I turn 39 this year. I have 2 children already with a large age gap (eldest turns 18 this year and youngest is almost 3). Been with my partner for almost 19 years (he's not the eldest's father).

I know my age will go against me, but I cannot shake the feeling that I want to do it "one last time". However, I also know that with 2 children already and the age gap, there are many cons to adding another.

Please Mumsnet, talk me out of this and help me to just be happy with the two beautiful children I have and get over with my longing for a third?? 😭

Maybe I need to see some of those cons in black and white?! 😂

I think you are massively overthinking my post.
I was trying to say to OP that mine was unplanned but I wouldn’t change it now. I’ve gone on to explain this but you must’ve missed my update.
Lets stop derailing this now?

I disagree with this.

I always thought that if they told me at the 12 week scan that there was something wrong with the baby (for instance trisomy 21), I would have an abortion, no two ways about it. And yet at my 12 week scan, once I'd seen the baby on the screen, some weird gear clicked in my mind and I knew I wasn't going to be able to have one, even if there was something wrong. I was kicking myself for not doing the NIPT testing privately.

Luckily all was fine with this baby, but I know if I ever get pregnant in the future, I'll be doing private testing as soon as possible, because abortion was no longer an option for me at the 12 week scan.

It's not a question of morality. I don't think women who have abortions due to downs syndrome after 12 weeks are immoral. In fact, it's pretty brave either way, whether they decide to abort or keep the baby. Both options are terrifying.

I just knew I personally couldn't do it, but I don't want to be in that situation again. Hence why I'll be testing early next time.

I should not have posted, can we just get back to question the OP asked,

Everybody's opinion will be different on this subject but I just think its a very sensitive topic to just say it wasn't an option.

If it was me, I would consider my existing children and the impact it would have on them.

But it is an option for you. Just because it’s not an option you would take for whatever reason doesn’t mean it’s not an option that is available to you, because that is not the case.

I vote go for it :)

Ok the thread has become so derailed with a debate around abortion that I can't actually sift out the posts that help me with my question🤦🏼‍♀️

Sorry can we focus please on the question or start your own thread about abortion, thanks.

Absolutely, it must be the most heartbreaking decision to have to make either way, worrying about what life will be like for your child in the future or going through the awful process of abortion at that stage. I would never judge a friend going through this, whichever they decided, most horrible situation to be in. On the other hand quite shocked when had an unplanned pregnancy which would have quite a big impact on my life and in far from ideal circumstances and some people’s attitudes were well of course you should terminate. It was quite hurtful that they were even suggesting that as an option for this baby inside of me plus the implication being that I didn’t deserve to feel in turmoil by the changes the pregnancy would bring because I was ‘choosing’ to continue with the pregnancy. For me I wasn’t ‘choosing’ to continue with the pregnancy, abortion was simply not what I felt was a justified option

I also think it is distasteful to say you couldn't do it in XYZ scenario, women have been through harrowing experiences,

Say the situation was you had 2 children and found out your third would have a life limiting condition past 12 weeks, would you carry on the pregnancy knowing your existing children's life would be so negatively affected?

I think carrying on regardless is way more selfish

You will have the costs of nursery, wrap around childcare for the middle one and helping the eldest at university at a time when you might want to consider building your pension contributions. That’s probably the biggest negative. The age gap will mean it’s more like having two children with a normal age gap. It’s just the expense.

Are you helping your oldest out with costs such as house deposits, uni, wedding, other.
can you afford to do this for potentially two more children

I actually don't know anyone who was one of 3 who loved their childhood. It's all very well and good all the mums saying 'go for it / my kids get on great' but when these kids are in their 30s they're usually complaining that they didn't get enough attention, or they felt left out from their other siblings who had a close bond, or they didn't get enough 1 on 1 time, or the youngest was the favourite etc etc etc.

Would you say that to parents who discovered their child had that condition at birth? Say they were selfish to not put the child up for adoption or ask for euthanasia?? Just because you have a different perception of the value of the life before birth to some others? Abortion being legal was meant to be about no woman being forced to continue being pregnant or being prosecuted for the actions over her own body. I personally would always want to maintain that bodily autonomy as who knows what circumstances you might end up in that you decide that is ultimately the best decision and is absolutely abhorrent the idea that a woman could be prosecuted for being an perceived as ‘not looking after herself enough’ 😥the fact of women are being prosecuted following the already heartbreaking experience of a late pregnancy loss is awful.
Yet my personal experience was that unfortunately people such a yourself take being pro abortion too far the other way and start dictating to women that they should have their body’s invaded to get end the life of a the baby inside them if they don’t perceive the circumstances are ideal. For goodness sake, at least the anti abortion lobby just want you to leave your own body alone 😵‍💫 Thankful most people’s attitudes are more moderate

I’m one of 3 and so is my husband. Our childhoods and relationships with our siblings now are the main reason we’d consider having a third as we both loved growing up as a 3.

Hmmm. That's obviously your opinion and you're entitled to it. But it applies to you. Every woman will be different, have different circumstances and neither option is selfish.

Would you say that to parents who discovered their child had that condition at birth? Say they were selfish to not put the child up for adoption or ask for"

I didn't state that scenario did I? that situation could not be helped!

I am talking about a 12 week foetus

Unless you don't believe in individualised mental health and personal boundaries, you're not in the position to tell individual women if an abortion is an option for them. That's why it's called pro-choice, not pro-abortion. We're supposed to accept a woman's decisions and boundaries without judgment.

Can all those who want to discuss the ethics of abortion please start your own thread.

It is completely derailing OP’s thread and she has already asked you take it elsewhere because it is not relevant to what she asked and she can’t sift out the replies that are relevant.

It’s really rude to take over someone else’s thread with bickering between yourselves.

OP : you may as well start a new thread as I don’t think they’re going to stop.

In the spirit of trying to put you off…

(And please delete as relevant to you)

• Sleepless nights
• Halting your career
• Starting up with breastfeeding again
• Being close to 60 when all kids are 18+
• More expensive
• Potty training
• Effects of pregnancy and birth on your body
• Delay having a bit more freedom in your life while baby is young

I can’t really have too much of an opinion as I only have 1 at the moment, but the majority of the above are what put me off a second 😅

I think it’s stupid to say things like “I’d never do x, y, z” myself. Until you are in a particular situation / someone else’s shoes you can’t really know how you would feel/ what choices you would make. Much better just to own your choice in that moment, if you feel the need to mention it at all.

That’s because of your perception of the value of a 12 week foetus in comparison. You might not comprehend the value they already place on their baby, not everyone has to feel the same as you. That’s what I couldn’t get my head round with these people who saw me as making a choice ‘to keep my baby’ they couldn’t get their head round the fact that I would still be feeling down about the whole circumstances and in turmoil about the situation I was in as would of been so simple for them as they clearly didn’t perceive my baby as a baby in the same way as them. To me and the original poster who mentioned abortion as not being an option, it meant discovering your pregnant isn’t a T junction where you decide to go left or right. It’s a journey your on for better or worse and possibly you might find your in such extreme circumstances that you jump out that car and make a wild diversion and when friends have made that decision I have always supported them. Anyway I won’t comment any more on the topic as it started off as a lovely thread about a mother trying to decide whether to go for a 3rd baby or stay as a mother of 2

I'm 45 my youngest is 15 months older two are 18 and 16. Little one definitely was t planned as we were told we never conceive 23 years ago and went into to adopt out older two. But there you go you can never tell what life will throw at you. I love them all equally but obviously didn't carry ans birth the older two but having ds myself was
Singularly the best thing I've ever done in my life. I'm often on my own as my husband works away but I wouldn't. Change it
For the world. I was in quite a bad depression I found out I was having him. On a load of meds for neuropathy which just make sleepy all
The time so would get home from work at 3.30 and just go straight to bed same ar weekends. I stopped
All meds
When I found out I was pregnant (i woke on l&d so know the damage some
Of them can do to baby) I know tske minimal
Medication and only during a flare I'm up
Every mining by 7 kn my days off with him because he needs looking after son can't just lie in bed. I think there's a reason. He came for sure

Although I will say the pregnancy was hell no no medication for sciatica and neuropathy then. Developed gestations diabetes and need insult
To try and control it but it was worth every second of pain being in hospital the illness. All of it was worth it to get a to be mum to this amazing little human.

I'm actually one of 3 myself (2 sisters). Only a couple of years between us all, we're now 40, 38 & 36 (i'm the middle one), and we are very close, always have been as adults. As kids we fought like cat and dog of course! But I'm so glad now I have my two sisters.

Thanks for all your replies, lots of things to consider!

I had a big gap and then two close together and it’s been great, my three are all grown up now and it really is my favourite thing to see them all together and how well they get on.