To want a 3rd child?

[broodybaby85]

I turn 39 this year. I have 2 children already with a large age gap (eldest turns 18 this year and youngest is almost 3). Been with my partner for almost 19 years (he's not the eldest's father).

I know my age will go against me, but I cannot shake the feeling that I want to do it "one last time". However, I also know that with 2 children already and the age gap, there are many cons to adding another.

Please Mumsnet, talk me out of this and help me to just be happy with the two beautiful children I have and get over with my longing for a third?? 😭

Maybe I need to see some of those cons in black and white?! 😂

I couldn’t bear the idea of bringing a child into this world and this environment.

I am of mature years.
Ive been through this.
I have a family.
When I was younger ,I knew I wanted a family, I had a few.
I had HUSBAND.
When I was in late thirties My obsessive thoughts every day was BABIES.
I Did not have the best of marriages.
I think I might have concueved one last time ,
I was regularly with contraception which might not have worked.
I understand now, as I look back what was happening.
When you reach late thirties and obsessive baby thoughts hit you , it is actually called ' BIOLOGICAL CLOCK TICKING ' because its Physiologically programming your brain as hormones dwindle.
So do it now, or forever forget about it as it will be too late.
For myself, it would have been a huge mistake as my partner was quite possibly already starting his affair and was intent on poisoning kids minds so he would have taken the baby too. Sad ,I know but thats what hes made of: another J. R. EWING

I personally wouldn't. I have 3 kids, not by choice as 2nd was twins. I love them all but I only ever wanted 2 and it does hit me when I think of all the things we could've done and cant. We both had to get new cars, haven't been on holiday for years, 2 lots of childcare, I also worry about the dynamics of taking 3 everywhere. But I suppose you wouldn't have that issue with your oldest being grown, unless you also ended up with twins. Have you thought about that? I also think personally my top age limit for kids would be 35. Nothing against older parents but I just wouldnt do it myself. Have you thought about the impact on the kids? People can be a little selfish based on what they want but it also affects your kids. My auntie is 35 and lost both parents because they had her later in life. Its broken her. Im aware people can die at any age, but older parents are more likely to leave kids parentless at a younger age. I don't think anyone can tell you the right answer here, its all down to how you and your partner feel.

Im 36. Children are 16, 13yr old step child, 11 & 1. All my older children were good sleepers. Oldest has a job. None of the older ones are any bother really and all very independent. Decided to have a 3rd and boy oh boy do we know we have her!! She’s a complete tornado and doesn’t sleep. Im not the person I was before I had her and I worry I never will be. I have no time or energy to do anything for myself. I don’t regret having her because she’s a delight, so loving and brings us all soo much joy, but she’s the hardest of all of them and we are knackered! It’s probably my age too and the fact there’s always one of them that needs something from me physically, financially or emotionally at any given time. I don’t think you ever regret having another child, but I do think you would regret NOT having one if you have that urge. Just be prepared to be giving your life up again when all your friends/ peers will be getting more freedom as their kids are older. If you have doubts about your energy levels/ health/ finances then do not do it!

Had my 3rd at 39 (week before my 40th), 2nd at 37 and 1st at 25. All girls. Currently 17, 5 & 3. The two littlies are best buds and the big sister is just in and out living her own life. I say go for it

I don't have an older child, but I had my two when I was aged 39 and 41...I was in good health, and had easy pregnancies and deliveries. My oldest is now 10. Obviously, not having an older child I don't know any different, but I don't think the "baby and toddler in your forties " is necessarily any more difficult than in your twenties or thirties. My husband has struggled a bit more with being an older dad though (he's 8 years older than me).

You're not too old OP! My sis inlaw is 39 and on her 6th (yup 6th) her eldest being 18.

Totally up to you, only thing that would bother me is the 2 youngest will probably bond quite closely and eldest will be off into the world and maybe always feel they aren't close to their siblings in later life.

Second child probably thinks their older sibling is fantastic with it just being the 2 of them but the allegiance will change to new baby as they'll be brought up together.

I have a 10yo DD and a 3.5yo DD with DS due in 6 weeks. Not quite as big an age gap as you would have but some of the things we have had to consider:

• car size - we have had to do a lot of research and planning for car seats to fit in our good size SUV. DD1 isn’t in a car seat any more but I wanted to make sure she’d have plenty of space still.
• bedrooms - we have a 3 bed and can’t afford to move at the moment. DD2 has moved into DD1’s room as the nursery room wouldn’t allow DD1 to have all the things she would need and like. She’s at an age where she needs a desk and grown up space but she also still likes to play.
• holidays - we’ll likely need 2 rooms on holidays when DS gets too old for a cot. My guess is we’ll end up with a ‘boys room’ and a ‘girls room’ until DD2 is old enough to sleep in an adjoining room with DD1 without an adult.
• childcare/clubs - there are three of them. DD1 is at school so no cost there but she has a lot of clubs. DD2 is entitled to 30 free hours now but also has clubs. Luckily, my DM provides us with childcare in the week but still costs around the extras they like to do.
• uni fees - three lots!
• our age - DD1 was born when I was 19 and DH was 22. When DS is born, I’ll be 29 and DH will be 32. We’ll still have pre-school and primary age children at 40 so will have spent nearly 20 years with young children.

Just some things to consider before making a decision.

I had my third at 38. I assumed with the same genetics as his older sisters and the same parenting he’d sleep just like them too. How wrong I was 🤣. He’s also more boisterous, a nightmare with food, and quite partial to pinching, biting and head butting the floor if he doesn’t get his way.

But…

He is the most cuddly, loving nearly two year old, his sisters’ think he is the best thing ever, and I wouldn’t change having him for the world.

Oh and we didn’t change our cars. The eldest sits in the front of my city car and when we go out in my husband’s Qashqai, I sit in the back in the middle of two car seats.

That will probably be the case but the oldest one will be off living their own life, I’ve never found my grown up DC are jealous of the little 2 relationship, no more than I would be jealous of their bond. They just see them as a cute (sometimes annoying) sibling package. When they’re around they want all the attention of the older DC, i.e act like annoying obsessive groupies 🤣

I know this might get lost OP. Given the age of your youngest, it's a nice age gap.

I have two close in age in my early 30's and I've found the second much more exhausting.

I would love a third but I know I would just struggle so much giving 3 young ones the time and would need things like a new car. We also couldn't afford it unless something drastically new happens.

However, you've got the advantage of the age gap where the emotional labour is slightly different . 39 is still young. Maybe just go for it? If you get pregnant and all is well, they can play together and not so much distance for your 2nd to your 1st.

Definitely have another. Your 3 year old would love a little play mate.

Im 40 and just had my first. I plan on 3! 😬

I had my third at 38, best decision ever!!!! He's my little soul mate. Husband needed a bit of convincing but agrees it was absolutely the right decision. I doubt the niggle will leave you. Don't have regrets.

Go for it!
I have a 21 year old, a 6 year old and a 1 year old. I’m 39. GO FOR IT! You’ll never regret having a third but you will regret not having them!!

I had my 3rd DD at 40 last year. She has healed me from the traumatic birth of my first and disabilities discovered at birth with my second DD. I am so happy we had her but have been v honest irl that if second DD was different we wouldn’t have had another. I’m hugely overwhelmed at the thought of going back to work and having no days on my own with any of them now. I am also spread very thin and constantly feel none of them get enough attention. So not swinging or either way for you but good luck x

pregnant with my first at 19 and last and 47. Only issues I had was carpal tunnel with the last. Managed just fine being an older mum and far better than when I was a young mum. Nobody has ever asked me if I’m the grandma. I also had a silent menopause as my ovaries just shut down during breastfeeding

39 is relatively young , especially considering so many don’t start a family now until 30s.

if you want another, don’t let your age be the deciding factor .

I had my 3rd baba at 39Y and he is such an absolute joy! He had completed our family and the bigger 2 kids just love him. Wouldn’t it be nice for your 3Y to grow up with another child in the house, a friend and playmate? Sorry OP, I say if you have that hankering for a 3rd in your heart and hubby is on board, and there are no medical reasons not to… go for it! X

Hi op I'm 33 with a 7 month old, out 3rd and last, and we were just like you and your husband, kept umming and ahhing over it, we had a boy and a girl already, perfect so why have another? But the reason was we didn't feel 'done' and with us both being only children we wanted a bigger family. My DH was just about changing his mind about it all but I was already pregnant by then and he just said okay 3 kids it is 😊 honestly she's the most beautiful baby girl and has honestly completed our family.

However, I've definitely noticed a difference this time round, my body is slower than it was in it's 20s, recovery after labour not as quick as before etc and the chances of down syndrome at 33 was 1:3000 whereas at 24 it was 1:100,000, it wouldn't have mattered to me but it's something to be mindful of that the older you are the higher the risks of any health issues.

Good luck in whatever u decide, it'll be the right one 😊

I vote for a third child! You are not too old and the age range of your children isn't relevant.

With such a big age gap, you are basically completing your family for your 2nd child. Without a 3rd child, the 2nd child will almost be like an only child.
I have 3, and had the 3rd at 38. Most of my friends have had a child when they were in their 40s (my best friend had hers at 40 and 44!). Nowadays, it's totally fine!

I have two DC (DS 5 years and DD 20 months). I will be 37 this June. With DS I had a complicated pregnancy ending in induction and a traumatic forceps delivery. My pregnancy with DD was much more straightforward but the birth itself was similarly eventful - baby turned out to be back to back and ended up being delivered by forceps in theatre.

I remember whilst in labour for the second time saying to DH "I am never, ever doing this again!" I feel very lucky to have ended up with two healthy children despite these difficult births. We don't have space in our house or our car for a third child. I don't want to go through pregnancy again. I don't want to give birth again. I don't want sleepless nights with a newborn again. And yet, it's six months since DD stopped breastfeeding and started sleeping through the night, and I find myself occasionally feeling broody and looking longingly at babies and pregnant bellies. The only thing I can attribute it to is hormones! A number of people around me are pregnant with their third child and it makes me wonder, what if? I can imagine that these feelings will keep resurfacing now and then. It's instinct, after all. But I know that having more children is not really in question. (And it's definitely a hard no from DH 😂)

I had dc3 at age 42. Dc1 was 22 and dc2 was almost 4. It has been fine - pregnancy and childbirth were straightforward with a fast recovery, and I've not felt any more tired with a baby/toddler. DC1 has a different father from dc2 and 3.

We operate mostly as a family of 4. DC1 lives with us but he is 25, has his own life, and doesn't want to come to parks or soft play at weekends. Occasionally we'll do a day out like NT property or the zoo that he'll come along to.

Dc3 is almost 2 and is just starting to play with dc2, which is really lovely. It's so lovely to see the two of them interact on says out and on holiday. DC1 is more like an uncle figure to them both and they're all fond of each other.

Why would it make people feel bad? She's expressing a personal preference not passing judgement on anyone else's. I also personally would never have an abortion in the circumstances she describes. I've been with two of my friends to have one though and fully support everyone's right to choose for themselves. Surely anyone getting one knows that there are other people would make a different choice.

I’m 39, and pregnant with my third, due in a few weeks. My eldest is 14, middle is 5. I think if you want to and your partner is on board then do it.
i like my age gap between the first two and I feel like this age gap will also be lovely. I don’t think there’s many cons personally. My eldest is excited!