AIBU that our friends are much richer than they've let on?

[richmanpoorman]

Long and weird one, that has completely split a friend group.
18 years ago we attended antenatal classes and met a lovely group of people. Out of 8 couples in the class, 5 have stayed in the same location and we’ve all become super close. We see each other all the time in big and small groups and go on a holiday once a year. The children are all very close.

Now all our oldest are 18 they’re all looking at university. The kids were all out having a drink and the subject of funding came up. They’re all doing a combination of loans plus parental contribution except one lad who drunkenly admitted that his parents have a fund for him and his younger sister, for university and house deposits, of around £850k.

Under any other circumstances this would have been none of our business… except for the last 18 years they’ve pleaded poverty. As a group we are all in a relatively comfortable situation, with the exception of this couple who despite quite impressive sounding jobs were very open about struggling financially with a big mortgage etc. Therefore we’ve all been really careful. Every time we’ve gone out for we pick a budget option. Every holiday has been planned based on the fact that they could only pay half what others could afford so we’ve spent 18 years staying in some pretty grim self catering places. In context, say they paid £500 for their share of the accommodation- another £500 (or even £250) from each couple would have been a nice upgrade holiday wise.

It turns out that they made a decision to only live on one income, and to totally save and invest the other income. Apparently they have just therefore never factored it into consideration as it went straight into various investment accounts, so they were technically broke as it wasn’t then easily accessible. One year we all actually paid for her son to attend rugby camp as they didn’t have the cash. It wasn’t a lot of money (£20 a day) but the audacity feels huge.

3 of the couples have stopped speaking to them. (Tbh it might have landed better if the last holiday self catering place hadn’t had been so totally grim, with the younger daughter of one of the families injuring herself due to some shoddy maintenance….)

DH and I are more on the fence. While as a group we all earn roughly the same we do come from different backgrounds- DH and I a more modest teacher/ nurse/ bookkeeper/ florist combo compared to some of the others who did have significant financial help early on in life. This early financial help is clear in the lives they live- with similar earnings we have a much smaller house, state schools etc. Family help early on has made a massive difference to the lives of some in the group. The couple in question have explained that they both come from very impoverished backgrounds, with a lot of financial insecurity. Good degrees and careers landed them in a group of friends where it was obvious the impact money had early in life (eg house deposits, no loans etc). So they made the decision to do that for their children. They’re not materialistic themselves so didn’t miss skiing/ nice clothes/ smart cars/ home decor etc, so they just decided to “hack” their kids into a fantastic start in life.

Our other friends argue that the impact of another £1-2k a year on a few nicer holidays and dinners etc wouldn’t have materially impacted the fund, and would have meant that we could have had better group experiences, plus there’s all the intangible stuff like not suggesting we stop for coffees because it felt uncomfortable that they wouldn’t get anything, and being careful talking about other spending in case it seemed insensitive.

I’m so upset. We had such a lovely group with such a strong bond and now it’s all a mess. We’re the only couple still talking to everyone which in itself is causing problems. I’m posting here because we’ve just been added to a group called “Skiing 2025” with all of the group except this couple, which seems pointed (because we’ve never even suggested skiing before because of the cost.)

The kids are upset. The son is deeply depressed that he started this and they’re trying to stay friends separately.

I suppose my AIBU is “am I being unreasonable to be pissed off that my friends were richer than they let on?” and more broadly what would people do?

Ps- I’m aware some of them are on Mumsnet….

Well they’re cheeky fuckers but for the sons sake I’d just have to laugh it off and move on.

I think they are in the right to be honest. It is up to them how they spend their money- they have let you know the budget for holidays £500 and provided they haven’t expected others in the group to subsidise them or pay more then I applaud them. Too often people get steamrolled into spending more than they wish in order to keep up with the Jones’s. I think that you can find one example in 18 years where you subsidised a payment for them of £20 speaks to the fact they weren’t spongers- just making the group pick less glossy places. I’m not sure I could end a friendship over you made us go to Toby carvery rather than the posh pub and it turns out I think you could’ve afforded the posh pub!

It sounds like jealousy from everyone else to me that these peoples frugal nature has paid off massively for their kids. Different people choose to spend money in different ways- they chose to holiday cheaply- you all saved money here. 🤷🏻‍♀️

i don’t think it’s any of your business really.

Everyone has different financial priorities and there is no objective amount that people on a given salary “can afford” to spend on holidays, for instance - it depends entirely on their other commitments and choices.

If the holidays weren’t satisfying and rewarding, no one was making you all go on them. plus it sounds like they saved everyone else in the group some money along the way!

If you hadn't liked these people and their company then you (the group) would have done more expensive things anyway.
You obviously all likedd them and wanted to spend time with them even if they were a bit skint.
So what does it really matter if they were saving.
I do understand about feeling lied to though. But many people don't want to discuss finances.

Wow they really are cheeky fuckers. It’s one thing to not want to spend money on holidays but to allow others to subsidise their son’s rugby camp when they were perfectly able to pay is another. I would be quite upset if I were you.

For instance would you have felt angry if they spent the extra money on a bigger house, or put more into their pension? Is it the fact it’s being given to their kids what’s riling you?

None of your business how they’ve managed their finances. It seems childish to fall out with them. Their only mistake was to tell an 18 year old, who has, not surprisingly, bragged to all his mates he has a large trust fund,

You haven’t said you’ve been subsidising the family (if so, that is a different matter). By all means, go skiing. You could have before, and it was up to them if they chose to go. They’ve clearly prioritised saving over holidays.

That's difficult. I think they could have been more honest.

But to let an 18 year friendship slip away, and have it impact your dcs is not really necessary. I come from a poor background and I completely understand their need for cash security. The fear from a childhood like that never goes away, and people who haven't lived through poverty will never understand.

However £850k is quite an emergency fund.

I'd include them in the skiing plans and if they choose not to come along, you haven't lost anything.

They let their friends subsidise them in order to save their own money?

Cheeky twats. How rude.

You've all been SUBSIDISING their choices for DECADES

I would be fucking LIVID at paying for a kids rugby camp when they've got the best part of a million saved

I think they were very canny with their money and ultimately YABU to hold it against them. They are adults and were determined to change the path for their children and you could have gone on more extravagant holidays with other people if you chose. By including them then you had a choice and that was a compromise you chose to make. They don’t owe you an explanation for how they chose to live (frugally) but I have to say I’m feeling inspired by the one income approach.
and as for their son, you should set an example of putting it all behind you and not showing him that good financial decisions should be judged negatively by adults. Demonstrate grace. If you want to stay friends with his parents that’s in you. Ow was your formed ship built on shaky foundations that this ends it all?

YANBU, they have been disingenuous. If you and the rest of the group had known they were well off but choosing to live a bootstrap life then you and the group could have had better holidays from time to time.

Letting you pay for their son’s rugby camp was unconscionable when they have hundreds of thousands in the bank.

The group are absolutely right to ditch then and unless you want to lose the group, I wouldn’t fight to include those tight arses.

I am also a saver and financial planner but I would never inflict this on friends.

Ok I missed the bit about the rugby camp. That is not on.

It's just so DISHONEST

One rugby camp in 18years is the only example of this. Presumably if the OP was stumping up regularly on meals out and holidays then this would’ve been mentioned

Well.

I think it’s bloody rude to let you all pay for rugby camp for their child.

However people are allowed to save and budget. They’ve invested the money, it’s not easily accessible and they’ve let you know their budget. That’s actually ok. Finances are quite personal and they shouldn’t have to explain and justify themselves to you. I would be quite offended if someone quizzed me about my finances.

I do see you feel a bit like you’ve had the wool pulled over your eyes though.

Have you spoken to the couple about it?

When I go on holiday with my friends being with them is more important than where we go and that was obviously the case with your friendship group for a very long time. Why let this break up such a long and happy group?

The holiday thing is the big bugbear for a lot of the group. We went because we love them and the kids get on well but another £500 per couple for a week adds £2500 to the budget- we could have had proper beds, somewhere closer to amenities etc.

It also feels really uncomfortable. We'd always suggest coffee at someone's house, and take snacks. It might have been nice to go out sometimes!

I get different financial priorities but they were very silent on this. With knowledge we could have made a decision about where to go and not felt bad giving them the option to attend or not based on their financial situation

Given these people let friends pay for rugby camp for their child when they had 100,000s in the bank, I wonder just how many coffees and free lunches they’ve stolen blagged from their friends.

A cheap nasty holiday is not saving money.

These friends are not right, they’re liars and thieves.

Sure, they can spend/not spend how they choose, but as others have said, it's the dishonesty, and of course, being perfectly happy to accept money for their son's activity.

They are CFs and liars, that's the bottom line.

I've known people who do this - put all their cash in savings/investments/big mortgage and then plead poverty.

I find it really embarrassing to be around them as it's like they're doing a performance for our benefit that never seems to end. In your case it was for 18 years which is a veeeery long performance.

I'd be tempted to slowly fade them out, but then an 18 year friendship is sort of special and possibly worth saving

Judging other people and making friendships conditional based on someone's "true" financial background is really tacky and depressing tbh. Regardless of whether they have too much money, too little money, or weren't transparent with their finances, who cares?? You are friends with people because of their personality and what they bring to your life. It doesn't sound like they set out to scam or con anyone. They may have misled people into believing their financial circumstances were different but the actions taken as a result of this was entirely your own. You are not obligated to pay for anyone upfront just because they complained they were skint.

Oof. It's lying by omission isn't it? I don't think I'd be happy to be fair.

How sure are you he is telling the truth? Teenagers can lie , especially if they know their family is targeted as the 'poorer' one. He's probably trying to save face with the others. How would anyone find out if it was the truth or not?

Rugby Camp Gate would piss me off. Bloody outrageous of them to accept that.

Their financial decisions outside of this, I would be shocked but also accept their choices. You all chose a budget for holidays etc, you just happened to chose their finances as your base level.