AIBU that our friends are much richer than they've let on?

[richmanpoorman]

Long and weird one, that has completely split a friend group.
18 years ago we attended antenatal classes and met a lovely group of people. Out of 8 couples in the class, 5 have stayed in the same location and we’ve all become super close. We see each other all the time in big and small groups and go on a holiday once a year. The children are all very close.

Now all our oldest are 18 they’re all looking at university. The kids were all out having a drink and the subject of funding came up. They’re all doing a combination of loans plus parental contribution except one lad who drunkenly admitted that his parents have a fund for him and his younger sister, for university and house deposits, of around £850k.

Under any other circumstances this would have been none of our business… except for the last 18 years they’ve pleaded poverty. As a group we are all in a relatively comfortable situation, with the exception of this couple who despite quite impressive sounding jobs were very open about struggling financially with a big mortgage etc. Therefore we’ve all been really careful. Every time we’ve gone out for we pick a budget option. Every holiday has been planned based on the fact that they could only pay half what others could afford so we’ve spent 18 years staying in some pretty grim self catering places. In context, say they paid £500 for their share of the accommodation- another £500 (or even £250) from each couple would have been a nice upgrade holiday wise.

It turns out that they made a decision to only live on one income, and to totally save and invest the other income. Apparently they have just therefore never factored it into consideration as it went straight into various investment accounts, so they were technically broke as it wasn’t then easily accessible. One year we all actually paid for her son to attend rugby camp as they didn’t have the cash. It wasn’t a lot of money (£20 a day) but the audacity feels huge.

3 of the couples have stopped speaking to them. (Tbh it might have landed better if the last holiday self catering place hadn’t had been so totally grim, with the younger daughter of one of the families injuring herself due to some shoddy maintenance….)

DH and I are more on the fence. While as a group we all earn roughly the same we do come from different backgrounds- DH and I a more modest teacher/ nurse/ bookkeeper/ florist combo compared to some of the others who did have significant financial help early on in life. This early financial help is clear in the lives they live- with similar earnings we have a much smaller house, state schools etc. Family help early on has made a massive difference to the lives of some in the group. The couple in question have explained that they both come from very impoverished backgrounds, with a lot of financial insecurity. Good degrees and careers landed them in a group of friends where it was obvious the impact money had early in life (eg house deposits, no loans etc). So they made the decision to do that for their children. They’re not materialistic themselves so didn’t miss skiing/ nice clothes/ smart cars/ home decor etc, so they just decided to “hack” their kids into a fantastic start in life.

Our other friends argue that the impact of another £1-2k a year on a few nicer holidays and dinners etc wouldn’t have materially impacted the fund, and would have meant that we could have had better group experiences, plus there’s all the intangible stuff like not suggesting we stop for coffees because it felt uncomfortable that they wouldn’t get anything, and being careful talking about other spending in case it seemed insensitive.

I’m so upset. We had such a lovely group with such a strong bond and now it’s all a mess. We’re the only couple still talking to everyone which in itself is causing problems. I’m posting here because we’ve just been added to a group called “Skiing 2025” with all of the group except this couple, which seems pointed (because we’ve never even suggested skiing before because of the cost.)

The kids are upset. The son is deeply depressed that he started this and they’re trying to stay friends separately.

I suppose my AIBU is “am I being unreasonable to be pissed off that my friends were richer than they let on?” and more broadly what would people do?

Ps- I’m aware some of them are on Mumsnet….

It's a tricky one.

I am a big saver. I've definitley accepted offers of things that I would never spend money on, eg one Person wants to drop £2k on a table at a nightclub- I'm happy to have no table and buy a couple of £10 drinks but if my friends are really keen and able to get the table of course I'll sit with them and thank them for the drinks they offer, and make sure next time we do something I would treat them on my budget eg coffees or smoothies when we go shopping. I think some people would be appalled that I have big savings and didn't offer to split the cost of the nightclub table when I had all that cash in the bank, and would think I was using the friend who paid, but I didn't WANT the table in the nightclub. Hanging onto these savings meant I was able to subsidize my own maternity leave and buy a car later in life which I needed to do!

Pa the rugby camp example is awful though I'd be embarrassed by that- I feel like an ACTUAL poor person would be too proud to accept that and would either decline or borrow on credit card to pay

It’s very clear - the others even paid for rugby camp for the son. Had to endure rubbish holidays to be inclusive - all the while they were saving away silently. Grubby!!
Grasping CF
Stop being nice or you will lose the decent friends.

@Unexpectedlysinglemum you accept free drinks when you have savings? Yes you are that tight "friend".
The table I would just have been honest and said I did not want to pay that. Not pretended I could not afford it.

I wonder if this has completely blown up in RL on the back of this thread, hope not, poor boy who mentioned the money 😔

I think I'm going to have to change my username to 850kReallyIsntMuch.

I’d be fuming. We don’t have much, but I always give where I can and will front people for things if I can. I will always contribute the most I possibly can. I actually cannot phantom allowing my friends to pay for a holiday camp for my kids if I had thousands sat in savings.

For me it’s not even about the holidays, wanting to budget for holidays is one thing and that in itself whilst annoying, is less of an issue in my eyes. But pleading poverty and getting free things from your friends when you have thousands in the bank is just 🤯🤯 the deception over such a long period of time is madness, I’m amazed they could keep it up for so long.

@Atethehalloweenchocs
The OP's postvare choc-full of instances of the poverty-pleading friends' sponging off the group.

It all sounds a bit incestuous, gossipy and over-invested. I'd rather not be in that kind of "friendship" group personally and would not want to be giving any headspace to that kind of nonsense.

@shearwater2 that is fine if you do not want meaningful friendships, your choice.

I’ve asked MN to put it on a T-shirt. All proceeds to go to the “poor family”.

CFs…

Read the post about the rugby camp - they did not ask, the other dad just did it when he knew they had had some unusual expenses that came up, and the frugal dad paid for the dads beers on a few nights out. Since the amount was £100 it is possible the frugal dad more than paid him back.

The group did not have to 'endure' anything. They could have said something. If my friend wants to go to Greece and I prefer Spain, I can either insist on Spain, go by myself. But if I decide to go to Greece, I am not 'enduring' anything.

What actually happened with the holidays?

was it a case of wealthy couple send a link round for expensive location and poor couple decline and point out somewhere cheaper

or wealthy couple send link out to budget camp and everyone else just says yes.

the two scenarios are very different….

Where?

I think this couple have become far too obsessed with saving that they have lost sight of reality and in the process have pissed off their mates and missed out on loads. The kids will have missed so much - no clubs or sports?

Those kids can both buy a decent property mortgage free and enjoy university education. What do they have to strive for?

They're probably going to go on a spending frenzy !

I hope this doesn't come back and bite them on the arse

Maybe they did you a favour by choosing things that were within ‘budget’ and not blitzing? Look, their budget is their budget - you have clearly had great times with them over the years. Why ruin that now?

When we started out years ago, we were the poor relations in the friendship group. We opted out of stuff we couldn’t afford. Roll on 30 years and we’re probably better off than most - but we’re still treated as the poor relations (‘how can you afford that?’). It’s so irritating when people make assumptions and I sometimes feel we serve the purpose of making them feel superior. Was that the situation here?

It doesn’t sound like they sponged off you and it does sound as if there’s a bit of jealousy going on. Have they disrupted the dynamic of the group? No longer ‘poor them…’

If they’re good company, you’ve had good times and your kids are friends, I’d let it go.

We opted out of stuff we couldn’t afford.

So you didn't expect your friends to give up the nice stuff so you could still be included, then?

I really don't think this is about jealousy.

I'm careful with money and choose to save it rather than to spend it on frequently redecorating the kids' bedrooms. Not difficult if you have neutral paint and curtains and classic furniture - only bedding has been updated as it's worn out over time.

They choose their own books now and one has stuck their own photos on the walls and stuff about their football team, the other is happy with pictures they've been given by family over the years.

I'm certain they don't care!

I am with your friends whilst it’s entirety up to them how they spend their money - the fact you and your friendship group have paid for rugby camps for their son (and they have let you!) plus they have made you all stay in shit holiday accommodation because they were pleading poverty would cross a line for me.

I would bend over backwards to do things in a friendship group that everyone could afford - but they have not been clear about their position and your other friends are right £2k split over a few holidays would not have made any impact on their savings and would have given you all a better experience. Whilst they haven’t lied about money, they also have not told people the truth! You then could have planned a nice holiday (for example) and they could have chosen whether to come or not!

@ItsAllAboutTheDosh Well, I guess we have different standards of "meaningful" friendships.

I enjoy having my long term friends who I see several times a year and have a laugh with and it's just the same as ever when we catch up. I wouldn't have time or headspace for a regular local friendship group with all our families knowing one another and drama and gossip and worrying about how much we spend on social occasions or holidays and how much money everyone has or doesn't have. Like living in a soap opera. I just couldn't be arsed with any of it. I'd rather spend time with close family and on my hobbies, outside work. Hell, I'd rather be at work than deal with all that nonsense or be a nun or a hermit.

The frugal couple did not lie or deceive here, they stated what budget they could afford and everybody as a group agreed. So many posters are equating good times with spending more money, that is really shocking! It sounds like everybody enjoyed their time together and have some lovely memories. So really once the shock of the very large amount being disclosed has worn off, what really is the problem. Their life, their choices. Good friends would respect that and be happy (at least outwardly) that they have come from humble beginnings yet managed to provide their children with a secure future.

I’m sure if you think about it carefully, it probably was not the case that they asked anyone to pay for the son’s rugby camp. It is likely that you felt sorry for him and decided to pay, and they accepted. They obviously considered the camp a non-essential.
I think it’s their business if they decided to live a humble life and save. It was also their right to say they could not afford holidays that they had not budgeted for, whether you believe they should have just used some of their savings, paid more and enjoyed a better standard.
While DH and I do not plead poverty, we are selective about what we would be willing to pay for, especially if it relates to holidays and extras that are not essential.
It sounds a bit off to have expected them to disclose the nature of their investments. Is this something you all talk about openly?

It's a bit off topic but I wonder if handing over hundreds of thousands to kids who've lived abstemiously their whole lives is actually wise? Isn't there a risk it'll be like those lottery winners who've never had a bean so blow the whole lot on fast cars and living high on the hog?

@theilltemperedclavecinist i can understand how everyone is feeling. However, the fact remains your friends had a budget. So even if they COULD have spent more, they don't WANT to and should not be made to feel as though they should.

They looked after what was an absolute priority for them and now their DC will be in a fabulous position as a result.

But i think its a bit off if they didn't say that the rest of you should do the more expensive stuff and they will join when they can? Did they do this and you chose the cheaper things anyway?