AIBU that our friends are much richer than they've let on?

[richmanpoorman]

Long and weird one, that has completely split a friend group.
18 years ago we attended antenatal classes and met a lovely group of people. Out of 8 couples in the class, 5 have stayed in the same location and we’ve all become super close. We see each other all the time in big and small groups and go on a holiday once a year. The children are all very close.

Now all our oldest are 18 they’re all looking at university. The kids were all out having a drink and the subject of funding came up. They’re all doing a combination of loans plus parental contribution except one lad who drunkenly admitted that his parents have a fund for him and his younger sister, for university and house deposits, of around £850k.

Under any other circumstances this would have been none of our business… except for the last 18 years they’ve pleaded poverty. As a group we are all in a relatively comfortable situation, with the exception of this couple who despite quite impressive sounding jobs were very open about struggling financially with a big mortgage etc. Therefore we’ve all been really careful. Every time we’ve gone out for we pick a budget option. Every holiday has been planned based on the fact that they could only pay half what others could afford so we’ve spent 18 years staying in some pretty grim self catering places. In context, say they paid £500 for their share of the accommodation- another £500 (or even £250) from each couple would have been a nice upgrade holiday wise.

It turns out that they made a decision to only live on one income, and to totally save and invest the other income. Apparently they have just therefore never factored it into consideration as it went straight into various investment accounts, so they were technically broke as it wasn’t then easily accessible. One year we all actually paid for her son to attend rugby camp as they didn’t have the cash. It wasn’t a lot of money (£20 a day) but the audacity feels huge.

3 of the couples have stopped speaking to them. (Tbh it might have landed better if the last holiday self catering place hadn’t had been so totally grim, with the younger daughter of one of the families injuring herself due to some shoddy maintenance….)

DH and I are more on the fence. While as a group we all earn roughly the same we do come from different backgrounds- DH and I a more modest teacher/ nurse/ bookkeeper/ florist combo compared to some of the others who did have significant financial help early on in life. This early financial help is clear in the lives they live- with similar earnings we have a much smaller house, state schools etc. Family help early on has made a massive difference to the lives of some in the group. The couple in question have explained that they both come from very impoverished backgrounds, with a lot of financial insecurity. Good degrees and careers landed them in a group of friends where it was obvious the impact money had early in life (eg house deposits, no loans etc). So they made the decision to do that for their children. They’re not materialistic themselves so didn’t miss skiing/ nice clothes/ smart cars/ home decor etc, so they just decided to “hack” their kids into a fantastic start in life.

Our other friends argue that the impact of another £1-2k a year on a few nicer holidays and dinners etc wouldn’t have materially impacted the fund, and would have meant that we could have had better group experiences, plus there’s all the intangible stuff like not suggesting we stop for coffees because it felt uncomfortable that they wouldn’t get anything, and being careful talking about other spending in case it seemed insensitive.

I’m so upset. We had such a lovely group with such a strong bond and now it’s all a mess. We’re the only couple still talking to everyone which in itself is causing problems. I’m posting here because we’ve just been added to a group called “Skiing 2025” with all of the group except this couple, which seems pointed (because we’ve never even suggested skiing before because of the cost.)

The kids are upset. The son is deeply depressed that he started this and they’re trying to stay friends separately.

I suppose my AIBU is “am I being unreasonable to be pissed off that my friends were richer than they let on?” and more broadly what would people do?

Ps- I’m aware some of them are on Mumsnet….

They've deliberately misrepresented themselves.
No one cares if a person chooses to prioritise X spending over Y. But this couple have allowed the group to believe their budget constraints were a necessity rather than a choice.

The group has acted out of kindness for 18 years and they were tricked into having less than they wanted from group experiences, and into low level subsidising, to meet the secret spending goals of this couple. I'd find that hard to forgive!

OP I can't see this ever being fixable. You are going to have your pick a side. I'd choose the people who didn't lie to you and whose way of life, matches your own.

They are upset at being lied to.
People on this thread seem to divide into understanding that people should not lie to their friends of 20 years. And those who think it is fine to lie to your friends to hide your wealth as it is not anyone's business anyway.

People who lie like this are not good people. They have not behaved ethically and are not trustworthy. Some people do not seem to care about that, some do.

And that is really different to the chancers who plead poverty to get you to pay for things and then you find out they have lots of money. Theres no indication they did this.

I really don't get this argument, same with all the posters insisting OP and the others are "jealous". It's not like the possibility of saving for your kids is some incredibly unusual highly secret thing that none of them would have ever realised was even a possibility if this hadn't come out.

They are all very high earners presumably in professional jobs - they will presumably all have other social contacts in their friends/family/colleagues networks all of whom have made different decisions regarding saving/spending. Its not like they've found this out and are sitting there like "WHAT? You mean we are allowed to save our money rather than spending it all? Why didn't you tell us this was an option? This is brand new information! If I'd known we were allowed to save our own money for the kids' futures I would have done it too!"

OP has been very clear that for her and her DH they've deliberately prioritised paying for experiences over saving huge amounts. It sounds like several of the other families have generational wealth so their kids are very likely to end up with inheritances that will bring them to a similar position as savers!kids at some point anyway so no need for jealousy for them.

Presumably over the 18 years they've all been friends they've not all completely agreed about absolutely every aspect of their lives - whether breast feeding, clubs, manners, politics they've managed to navigate and remain friends so no idea why people are assuming that being honest about different financial priorities would have torn them apart.

This is so complicated. My mum was a bit like these people. She was so scared of being poor as she was in her childhood that she saved nearly everything she had. She shopped in Poundland and charity shops and lived on economy brand beans and cheap sausages. To my mind it was almost like an illness.

I also think there was an element of low self esteem there - she didn't think she deserved nice things.
She recently died and I'm astounded that her lifetime of self denial has left an estate worth well over a million. I'm sure she didn't realise it. it's hugely complicated with dozens of small savings accounts, tiny share holdings etc. and as her executor it's an absolute PITA to sort out.

If they were anything like her I don't think they were intentionally deceitful. In their minds the money they were stashing away wasn't disposable income. It was an insurance against reliving their impoverished past. They probably didn't see it as belonging to them.

I hope the son realises how lucky he is and how much they have sacrificed to put him in this position. I also think you are very kind to still value their friendship.

It’s upsetting and discomforting when you realise other people you thought were like minded and decent are actually playing from an entirely different rule book to you.

They are not the decent people you thought they were. It’s very disappointing but I would enjoy the friendship with the rest of the group and move on. It will be a dinner party story for years!

I agree, it really is quite interesting! (And a good distraction whilst being stuck on the sofa with a horrible cough, sneezing, fever combination 😅)

And it is a good reminder to keep on top of my financial plannings!

So saving for your kids' futures now is not a 'decent' thing to do?

I'll manage the other family with the injured daughter.
OP you sound like a lovely person and you're trying to make this ok for everyone, which might not be possible. Maybe I'm missing something coming from somewhere else, but i think this phrasing is potentially hurtful. It sounds like you're trying to change their feelings, manage them. Id be unhappy to read this as the injured girl's parents. I wouldn't actually blame the other parents, but I could see this being the last straw seeing that them compromising all the time has ended with them here and their daughter hurt, to now find out they've been lied too. You're trying to bring the other couples around to see the perspective of this one couple, have they tried at all to see the perspectives of their friends, acknowledge the impact of them being untruthful with the group? You may find you can mend things for a while, but it may well come up again if its just all swept under the rug.

Nope! Not if your grubby hand is outstretched expecting others to pay.

£850k "really isn't much"
Peak mumsnet 😂

And this is to be shared between just two kids. Imagine inheriting a £425k (half of the 850k obviously) house (nice house outside cities) and being entirely mortgage free for your entire working life from your early twenties. Or selling it and having that amount in a high interest bank account from your twenties.

Imagine being able to do this for your kids AND having the absolute gall to accept charity from your good friends who have offered to pay for your son to have an experience with his friends when you’ve done very little with them their entire life otherwise. Excuse the long sentence but I’m sure it conveys my incredulity.

Come on…

I also think that people are missing the point when they say they could easily spend an extra £1k on a holiday and still have loads left to save. It doesn’t work like that - you only get to save £850k if you are ruthless about budgeting, and don’t give in to feature creep. It’s the attitude of “it’s only an extra grand” that means the OP doesn’t have a nest egg for their kids!

@MusicMum80s the friendship is pretty superficial if you can't say we would like somewhere cheaper as we are trying to save as much as we can for our kids future.
No one is asking you to take part in an hours workshop about your financial priorities. Simply to communicate like normal people do.
If you can not, then you do not value meaningful friendships.

But it is not clear that is the case, surely? It would be one thing to ask for money, but quite another if what they are prepared to spend is quite clear and the others go along with it, even though they would be prepared to pay more? We all know chancers who do put their hands out, and that is despicable, but there is nothing in these posts that suggest this here.

its their money and their budget, if they were clear with their budget (which it sounds like they were) I dont see what the problem is. I save X amount a month and live to a budget, just because you can technically afford something it doesn't mean its within your budget.

Really not sure why the concept of redecorating kids bedrooms is deserving of a wtf....I would say it's far more unusual to still have the same Disney princess bedding and wallpaper or whatever as a 19 year old!

Most people do redecorate most of the rooms in their house on a fairly regular basis....fair enough if you don't want to, can't be bothered or can't afford to but not sure why you're acting as if it's a strange or unusual thing to do....it's not as if there are specific shops, multi billion pound industries, millions of YouTube/insta/tiktok accounts dedicated to it....

How on earth do you imagine businesses like wickes, b&q, dunelm, argos, the range, not to mention all the home departments of John Lewis, all the supermarkets, thousands of other high end or independent stores survive if you're under the impression home redecoration is some sort of niche and strange activity?

So saving for your kids' futures now is not a 'decent' thing to do?

At an obsessive level where it denies them opportunities to benefit in the present? No.
Where it involves being dishonest with your close friends and accepting subsidies from them which you don’t need? No.

I think the OP is getting a hard time here; people are picking up and picking apart the examples she gives. But we are talking about 18 years here. They probably are upset at the kids’ lack of extra curricular activities - because someone not allowing those for their kids is usually a pretty sure sign that they’re genuinely struggling with money. A pp used the term “low level subsidising”, which I think probably sums it up perfectly; if the rugby example is anything to go by, I bet there are loads of occasions where this couple haven’t bought their round of drinks, or paid for the kids’ ice creams.

And on a totally different point - I can absolutely see giving a couple of kids who’ve had to live “without” all their lives a huge chunk of money is likely to end in disaster one way or another. Either they’ll spaff it in a wild blast of freedom on a Lamborghini, or there’ll be constant tiffs with the saving parents on what they can/can’t spend it on. I very much doubt this is the only story to emerge from this behaviour.

I agree with you @easilydistracted1. This couple have different values based on their start in life and so to aim for financial security for their own children is understandable. Neither do they have to disclose details of their financial choices to anyone else.

I’ve never minded cutting my cloth to suit friends of mine who have tight finances (it’s often been me who is the least comfortably off), but I think if you’re asking for more modest holidays etc then if you’re among good friends, a bit of honestly is a good idea - “we are watching what we spend because…”. If they couldn’t or wouldn’t spend on a particularly holiday or meet up they should just have said “we are trying to save for future events so we are going to sit this one out - have a lovely time”. Allowing themselves to be supplemented is not on.

I do feel sorry for the son. He’s young and has learned a short sharp lesson about why talking about money is risky. I think it seems a shame to let it fracture long term friendships but it sounds as if there is a financially competitive and envious dynamic to the group (maybe not you OP, but from the others) and values have diverged and the friendship group has run its course.

Good for them I say
Your not joined at the hip , your all adults, nothing to stop you doing more expensive holidays.
The only thing that would of pissed me off ,was them accepting the £20 a day of each of you
They should of said no to that
Are you sure your not all jealous.
I can't really see how they anything wrong
Their finances are no ones business but their own

@NetZeroZealot your DVs have the same decoration in their bedroom as teenagers that they had as tiny infants? That is very unusual.
Our bedroom is still the same as it was 20 years ago and is now needing a repaint. But we never spend anytime in our bedroom when we are not in bed and are not small children who put their dirty hands everywhere. Our kids bedrooms have been decorated several times, and updated to take account of their changing tastes.
People can do what they want, but not redecorating children's bedrooms at all is unusual.

You could argue it’s less weird making good friends as you step into a new life of parenthood than it is clinging to the random people you happened to meet as a 11 year old child.

I suppose you could argue that but we don't have an example of someone as an adult choosing to go on holiday every year with half of their Y7 class, which is the comparable.

Agree with this - am pretty sure all of this group have been planning for their kids futures too, whether putting cash away or paying off the mortgage so they can draw down equity if needed. It’s not that they haven’t been saving/planning, too; it’s the fact that they haven’t done so to this extreme extent, struggled financially and deprived their kids of other normal rites of passage (after school sports, driving lessons) and then expected their friends to underwrite them or compromise on group activities as a result.

@YouOKHun or if the son reads MN he will have learned that lying to your friends is not a sensible thing to do.