AIBU that our friends are much richer than they've let on?

[richmanpoorman]

Long and weird one, that has completely split a friend group.
18 years ago we attended antenatal classes and met a lovely group of people. Out of 8 couples in the class, 5 have stayed in the same location and we’ve all become super close. We see each other all the time in big and small groups and go on a holiday once a year. The children are all very close.

Now all our oldest are 18 they’re all looking at university. The kids were all out having a drink and the subject of funding came up. They’re all doing a combination of loans plus parental contribution except one lad who drunkenly admitted that his parents have a fund for him and his younger sister, for university and house deposits, of around £850k.

Under any other circumstances this would have been none of our business… except for the last 18 years they’ve pleaded poverty. As a group we are all in a relatively comfortable situation, with the exception of this couple who despite quite impressive sounding jobs were very open about struggling financially with a big mortgage etc. Therefore we’ve all been really careful. Every time we’ve gone out for we pick a budget option. Every holiday has been planned based on the fact that they could only pay half what others could afford so we’ve spent 18 years staying in some pretty grim self catering places. In context, say they paid £500 for their share of the accommodation- another £500 (or even £250) from each couple would have been a nice upgrade holiday wise.

It turns out that they made a decision to only live on one income, and to totally save and invest the other income. Apparently they have just therefore never factored it into consideration as it went straight into various investment accounts, so they were technically broke as it wasn’t then easily accessible. One year we all actually paid for her son to attend rugby camp as they didn’t have the cash. It wasn’t a lot of money (£20 a day) but the audacity feels huge.

3 of the couples have stopped speaking to them. (Tbh it might have landed better if the last holiday self catering place hadn’t had been so totally grim, with the younger daughter of one of the families injuring herself due to some shoddy maintenance….)

DH and I are more on the fence. While as a group we all earn roughly the same we do come from different backgrounds- DH and I a more modest teacher/ nurse/ bookkeeper/ florist combo compared to some of the others who did have significant financial help early on in life. This early financial help is clear in the lives they live- with similar earnings we have a much smaller house, state schools etc. Family help early on has made a massive difference to the lives of some in the group. The couple in question have explained that they both come from very impoverished backgrounds, with a lot of financial insecurity. Good degrees and careers landed them in a group of friends where it was obvious the impact money had early in life (eg house deposits, no loans etc). So they made the decision to do that for their children. They’re not materialistic themselves so didn’t miss skiing/ nice clothes/ smart cars/ home decor etc, so they just decided to “hack” their kids into a fantastic start in life.

Our other friends argue that the impact of another £1-2k a year on a few nicer holidays and dinners etc wouldn’t have materially impacted the fund, and would have meant that we could have had better group experiences, plus there’s all the intangible stuff like not suggesting we stop for coffees because it felt uncomfortable that they wouldn’t get anything, and being careful talking about other spending in case it seemed insensitive.

I’m so upset. We had such a lovely group with such a strong bond and now it’s all a mess. We’re the only couple still talking to everyone which in itself is causing problems. I’m posting here because we’ve just been added to a group called “Skiing 2025” with all of the group except this couple, which seems pointed (because we’ve never even suggested skiing before because of the cost.)

The kids are upset. The son is deeply depressed that he started this and they’re trying to stay friends separately.

I suppose my AIBU is “am I being unreasonable to be pissed off that my friends were richer than they let on?” and more broadly what would people do?

Ps- I’m aware some of them are on Mumsnet….

The only thing I would be pissed off about would be them allowing everyone else to pay for the rugby trip. The holidays, not wasting money on coffees etc, totally their call. They decided their budget based on the income they had access to, it’s really that simple. Good on them saving such a huge amount for their DCs. I would have to say something about funding the rugby trip though because I’d be quite angry about that.

I grew up in poverty but have lots of disposable income now. I’m still careful with money but I would never inflict my choices on friends.

They’ve behaved very badly and I don’t blame the others for not wanting to have anything to do with them.

So they prioritised their children’s futures, to the point where their hoard didn’t register with them on a monthly basis because it wasn’t their money. Because they’ve experienced financial uncertainty and made plans to avoid it.
The rest of you didn’t, so your children will be saddled with debt after university and when hoping to get on the property ladder.
They weren’t secretly wealthy, they decided what to do with the money they had.
Do they mind that you are planning a skiing holiday without them? Did they huff and whine and complain when holidays were suggested and they couldn’t afford them, guilting you into changing plans? Ask you to pay for the rugby camp?
Or is it your friendship group that thought you were being kind, generous…perhaps a little patronising who now feel deceived and resentful. Because they thought they were being magnanimous.
Either way, skiing holiday is fair enough. Perhaps if you’d planned a mix of holidays at varying prices, for different pairings, you’d all still be friends.
The one I feel sorry for is the boy who has managed to smash a decades-long friendship group into smithereens because he thought he was drunk in a safe group and it was no big deal. Harsh lesson for him.

I agree with @Herdinggoats.
They've decided how to prioritise their money to best support their DC's future.
You didn't need to pick cheaper holidays, you chose to. Also, while doing this what did you do with the "extra" money that you would have saved from going on the cheaper holiday? Did you invest it for your DC?

None of your business how they’ve managed their finances

Well it is since they have been subsidised.

There’s a difference between pleading poverty because you are actually struggling vs saving a whole salary. I think it’s the dishonesty tbh, I have a friend who is very clear that she wants to retire early so budget is important to her which is fine.

Perhaps but we don’t know the full story and from the sounds of things it happened once in 18 years. It’s quite possible/likely that the money saved went directly into an account that couldn’t be accessed so it wasn’t even available.

Maybe they have reciprocated in ways that would otherwise have cost others and none of that is being taken into account.

The thing with someone else paying for their son's camp is the only unreasonable part. That's cheeky fuckery!

It's fine that they went into a holiday with a mindset of "we're only willing to spend X". You didn't all have to go on holiday together. The fact that other people are willing to spend more shouldn't mean others are forced to, even if they can afford it.

all the intangible stuff like not suggesting we stop for coffees because it felt uncomfortable that they wouldn’t get anything This one is just silly. They shouldn't have to spend money on something just because other people are. If you have nice coffee at home, cafe coffee can feel like a waste of money - worse or similar quality for a lot more money. Nobody should feel pressured to waste their money (in their own view, regardless of how others feel about this expense) just because others are.

I think that's right. It's ok to not want to spend much on holidays but I can't imagine accepting money from other people when you do have it, you are just choosing to save it.

Re the holidays- there’s a difference between self excluding yourself because while you can afford something, you’d rather spend it on something else/save, and being excluded by wealthier friends who plan things they know you can’t afford/would require difficult sacrifices to afford.

if they had let you all know they were saving for their dcs future and so choosing not to spend much, you could have sometimes gone without them and spent more per head.

is the rugby camp the only occasion of them letting someone else pay knowing they could afford it? Did any of you do hand me downs on things you could otherwise have eBayed? Always suggest they bring the cheapest of snacks /bbq food etc?

id find it hard to square that they never said.

Setting up a skiing holiday group sounds petty and childish Definitely not how adults should behave, poor example for the kids !
So glad we never shared holidays with other families.

The child shouldn’t be punished because his parents are massive cheeky fuckers but I wouldn’t talk to these parents either. They should have only attended every other gathering if they wanted to go through with their plan.

It is lying by omission. The fact they let others pay for their sons activities is terrible behaviour. I would never trust someone again who did this.
We have put money aside for holidays before and so when invited to something have said we can not afford it. I have had friends offer to pay and have always said no as we do have the money, but it is going towards our next family holiday.
Its just taking the piss. They are nasty people, stay away.

I would be pissed off with them and would prob struggle to be friends with them going forward as they just sound bloody tight. Tight with themselves and tight with others. They’ve been quite happy to let everyone else downgrade just so they could squirrel more and more money anyway.

They remind me of girls I went to uni with who were always pleading poverty and were always the last to get a round in. Turns out they were all loaded while they were happy for the working class girls like me to ‘treat’ them to cocktails.

There are two separate issues here.
The group subsidising the sons rugby camp is awful and I get why everyone would be peed off over that. The group deserves an explanation/apology for that.

Everything else is absolutely fine and the group has no grounds to be pissed off about. I'm actually more aligned with the other couple on all of those issues. Me and DH are very much take a packed lunch and flask people, rather than getting food or coffees out and I know it grates on some friends. But we'd rather save that money for other stuff. We'd go for the cheaper holiday accommodation over fancier ones too. If people want our company then it'll be in a camp site, over glamping pods. They've done nothing wrong in any of those examples.

Irrelevant. You can't say you don't have money if you do in fact have money. I can't believe anyone thinks that is defensible.

This

If they include the child now they will likely be expected to pay for him because his tight arse parents won’t pay a penny for him, like the rugby camp.

The rugby thing was off. But you also knew that they both had good professional careers so probably could hazard a guess at what they earned. Did they say no to rugby but someone decided they should treat little Johnny?

We fund our children's uni and have money for deposits too. But we don't go round telling all and sundry not even friends because we experienced jealousy from some when we sent them to private school which obviously we couldn't "conceal". I still have days where I say I can't afford to do X because I am doing Y next week. My friends can then choose to do X without me or wait until next month until I can do X too. But I certainly don't dig into money earmarked for other things including investments or earmarked savings.

Are you all going on something that was said by a drunk 18 year old as fact?

Re the holidays- there’s a difference between self excluding yourself because while you can afford something, you’d rather spend it on something else/save, and being excluded by wealthier friends who plan things they know you can’t afford/would require difficult sacrifices to afford.

agree

The holidays is wrong as well. They lied to their friends.
If someone suggests a holiday cottage and you do not want to pay that much its fine to say we are saving up so can we book somewhere cheaper. It is not fine to say we have no money because of our massive mortgage - which is what they said.
These people lied. How anyone can defend that I do not understand.

I funded my time at uni and beyond by selling my horse beforehand. In the years beforehand thousands would have gone on this horse for competition fees and travel, insurance, vets, tack, farrier, lessons etc. There easily might not have been any spare money left over in a different household. However, the thousands I received when I sold him put me in a similar situation to your friends’ children. Sometimes money isn’t available at the time for a perfectly justified reason but is saved for the right thing.

Irrelevant. You can't say you don't have money if you do in fact have money. I can't believe anyone thinks that is defensible.

Its really weird, maybe people think it’s normal to lie to friends 🤷🏻‍♀️

One year we all actually paid for her son to attend rugby camp as they didn’t have the cash. It wasn’t a lot of money (£20 a day)

What was said here? Did they ask you to contribute? Did they happily accept your offer?

It depends on your communication.

If you’ve told your friends you’re a packed lunch and flask family upfront then that’s fine.

But if you have gone away with them and are unexpectedly getting your lunch box out as they order at a restaurant then that’s not ‘absolutely fine’.

And I speak as a packed lunch and flask can!