AIBU that our friends are much richer than they've let on?

[richmanpoorman]

Long and weird one, that has completely split a friend group.
18 years ago we attended antenatal classes and met a lovely group of people. Out of 8 couples in the class, 5 have stayed in the same location and we’ve all become super close. We see each other all the time in big and small groups and go on a holiday once a year. The children are all very close.

Now all our oldest are 18 they’re all looking at university. The kids were all out having a drink and the subject of funding came up. They’re all doing a combination of loans plus parental contribution except one lad who drunkenly admitted that his parents have a fund for him and his younger sister, for university and house deposits, of around £850k.

Under any other circumstances this would have been none of our business… except for the last 18 years they’ve pleaded poverty. As a group we are all in a relatively comfortable situation, with the exception of this couple who despite quite impressive sounding jobs were very open about struggling financially with a big mortgage etc. Therefore we’ve all been really careful. Every time we’ve gone out for we pick a budget option. Every holiday has been planned based on the fact that they could only pay half what others could afford so we’ve spent 18 years staying in some pretty grim self catering places. In context, say they paid £500 for their share of the accommodation- another £500 (or even £250) from each couple would have been a nice upgrade holiday wise.

It turns out that they made a decision to only live on one income, and to totally save and invest the other income. Apparently they have just therefore never factored it into consideration as it went straight into various investment accounts, so they were technically broke as it wasn’t then easily accessible. One year we all actually paid for her son to attend rugby camp as they didn’t have the cash. It wasn’t a lot of money (£20 a day) but the audacity feels huge.

3 of the couples have stopped speaking to them. (Tbh it might have landed better if the last holiday self catering place hadn’t had been so totally grim, with the younger daughter of one of the families injuring herself due to some shoddy maintenance….)

DH and I are more on the fence. While as a group we all earn roughly the same we do come from different backgrounds- DH and I a more modest teacher/ nurse/ bookkeeper/ florist combo compared to some of the others who did have significant financial help early on in life. This early financial help is clear in the lives they live- with similar earnings we have a much smaller house, state schools etc. Family help early on has made a massive difference to the lives of some in the group. The couple in question have explained that they both come from very impoverished backgrounds, with a lot of financial insecurity. Good degrees and careers landed them in a group of friends where it was obvious the impact money had early in life (eg house deposits, no loans etc). So they made the decision to do that for their children. They’re not materialistic themselves so didn’t miss skiing/ nice clothes/ smart cars/ home decor etc, so they just decided to “hack” their kids into a fantastic start in life.

Our other friends argue that the impact of another £1-2k a year on a few nicer holidays and dinners etc wouldn’t have materially impacted the fund, and would have meant that we could have had better group experiences, plus there’s all the intangible stuff like not suggesting we stop for coffees because it felt uncomfortable that they wouldn’t get anything, and being careful talking about other spending in case it seemed insensitive.

I’m so upset. We had such a lovely group with such a strong bond and now it’s all a mess. We’re the only couple still talking to everyone which in itself is causing problems. I’m posting here because we’ve just been added to a group called “Skiing 2025” with all of the group except this couple, which seems pointed (because we’ve never even suggested skiing before because of the cost.)

The kids are upset. The son is deeply depressed that he started this and they’re trying to stay friends separately.

I suppose my AIBU is “am I being unreasonable to be pissed off that my friends were richer than they let on?” and more broadly what would people do?

Ps- I’m aware some of them are on Mumsnet….

The bit about authenticity is great. It's exactly that. We were careful and sensitive and tbh we didn't need to be. Years of not sharing expensive things we've all done or bought. Bringing snacks. If they'd have been honest frankly I know I'd have understood it. So would everyone else BUT we might have occasionally suggested a nice restaurant, a weekend at a spa, a posh pub lunch without feeling guilty- they could have then chosen whether to come or not.

We'd have stayed friends but understood more and made more informed choices.

The angriest is one of the women who wanted a girls weekend away for her 50th. Instead of having all her female friends she went with only half of them, and we all didn't go (because it would have felt weird) and she did a separate curry dinner with us. We all fancied the weekend away!

I agree with this - totally fine for them to prioritise their spending, but to take handouts from friends is a very low thing to do. I'd feel completely mugged off by them & would struggle to let that go.

@shielder you are right maybe there are lots of people on MN lying to their friends.
But the OPs friends obviously do not think lying is okay as they have stopped talking to this couple

For me it depends how much you've subsidised them. If there were more instances similar to the rugby camp then I can see why others would be furious that they have effectively subsidised another child's future house deposit at the expense of their own. It would have been really shitty of them to accept this money. If its just that you did less expensive trips and activities to fit in with your friends budgets then I don't think that's as bad, they would have still had the same budget and you'd still have had a choice to make about leaving them out or not

This is it!

The you’ve got no business inflicting grotty self catering lets on friends. Just say your money is tied up but they’re free to book somewhere nice and you’ll sit this one out.

So they've accepted your friendship group financially supporting them over the years and going on cheap shit holidays whilst they plead poverty but have actually been salting away cash to pay for their dc uni fees? I'd be really gutted about the ongoing deception (and unnecessarily shit holidays).

I would feel let down by the dishonesty. What they do with their money and how they choose to budget is their choice but if they'd been more upfront about that choice you would have had 18 years of being able to do things without the feeling of guilt.

I stick to a strict budget but if friends want to do something more expensive and I don't have the money allocated, they feel fine going without me. If I'm sat in a cafe just drinking coffee while everyone else is eating they don't feel rude for eating. They know it's a personal choice and if I really wanted to, I could eat out. I've just decided to eat beforehand. That's very different to suggesting expensive things to someone who genuinely can't afford it.

They've not been included in the group, hence my post. I'm very upset.

That's fine but doesn't justify taking from other people

Even when I didn't have money (literally skipping meals) I didn't take from others. I certainly wouldn't now when I have plenty set aside in fixed term savings. Not having money I want to spend on something is totally different from not having money at all.

They have been dishonest about their situation - I’d feel lied to and couldn’t continue the friendship.

Your ‘friend group’ sounds inauthentic and jealous. I can be friends with you only if you don’t elevate above your station.

How do you get this from the situation? baffling! 😆

Exactly. A friendship built on dishonesty is not a real friendship

So would you have excluded them from more expensive holidays by virtue of their budget if you had known about their savings? It sounds like you would have.

Look you all made the decision to go on the lower cost holidays it sounds like if had known they had money for higher costs that’s what you would have opted for, as you all are now.

I can also understand why they didn’t tell you about their savings and income. People get weird when they know there is a wealth discrepancy As is evidenced by the reaction from the rest of the friend group.

Ah op what a mess. I get how it must feel not to have known this about people you felt very close to. Had you known they had these funds and were making choices about how they allocated them, you could have made different decisions re holidays etc and not felt like you were leaving them out - the fact you didn’t know the choices they were making makes you all feel a bit misled and foolish now. Probably worth reflecting though, if they’d had a big house & huge mortgage that meant they couldn’t afford the expensive holidays, would you have felt the way you do now about facilitating / subsiding their decisions? Because in that case they would still have the 850k in property and you would have enabled that within your friendship group.

Bringing your kids up relatively impoverished compared to their friends (unable to afford sports clubs and naff holidays) just so you can give them a shit load of cash to buy a house with is batshit, sorry. It’s early experiences that count and telling an 18yo that they haven’t got to work hard cos there’s £400k for them to fall back on is just stupid, sorry. Fine to save and have a holiday budget but wtf are they saving for. By all means pay off the fees for them after they graduate or give some cash when they can’t quite save up enough for a deposit but telling an 18yo this massive fall back option is shit parenting imo.

I will regularly tell people I can’t afford to do things rather than say I can afford it but don’t want to spend my money in that way. If my friends want to go to the theatre they will always pick the top price tickets, if I say “no I can’t afford that, I will meet you for interval drinks but will buy a ticket at a third of the cost” then most will accept that (strangely often quite a lot of the group are then very keen to keep me company). If I say to the organiser “thanks I’ll buy one of the cheap seats and meet you for drinks-I’ve got pots of cash but don’t fancy spending it in that way” the nagging to just treat myself this once, or just splash out doesn’t bloody stop.

I'd be angry. It's not the money, it's the lying. You made adjustments on what you wanted to do (and funded their sons camp!) because you thought you were helping out a friend in a difficult situation. Actually they weren't in a difficult situation, they were choosing that path for their own benefit.

Had you have known, you might have organised the holidays you actually wanted, and told them to "take it or leave it".

The children are all still friends. One is a bit off because her sister got a really bad burn (that will scar) due to some shoddy maintenance at the last holiday home we got. It's this injury that was the tipping point for the "angry" group. It's not totally rational but I do get it.

I think they are extremely cheeky to have you subsides there sons rugby?!!! With that amount of money?! How on earth can people say yabu? Beyond me! Stop the planet I want to get off……

A friendship built on dishonesty is not a real friendship

I think the group will remain fractured tbh.

So.. wait sorry I’m finding it hard to follow
They put half their wages into savings for the future of their children, and you’re all pissed at them bc they were living off a budget… for their kids future?
I’m assuming they were being frugal even when they weren’t with you all and it’s all for the benefit of the kids?
I’m not really sure what the issue is… good for them for having the strength to save and save instead of blow their money on holidays - isn’t holidays more about who you’re with and not where you are anyway?

Aside from the rugby club thing, which is one transgression in 18 years of friendship, I can’t see the problem.

I am very close to a group of friends and we have been mates for over 40 years. Regularly holiday together etc. I don’t consider their finances my business.

I do think there is some jealousy involved. Also, not from OP, but maybe from the others, these friends were the “poor relations” who turned out to be in a very different position. Maybe there’s consternation that they don’t know their place.

Everyone sounds jealous of them being better parents and more financially savvy and using the "we could have had nicer holidays" line to keep them out of the friendship group. Not that good friends after all.