Omg.. why do men think we're idiots?!

[Vanillachocolatestrawberry]

I had a first date with someone I'd already known for around 2 months. Well maybe it wasn't a date, just a meetup but either way. We had been texting lots prior to it, it wasn't flirty but still a lot of texting. We met up, had a good chat and a day later I decided to be brave and suggest a second 'meetup' for a week later.
The vibe of his texts instantly changed. Honestly I felt embarrassed and wished I'd said nothing.
If this had been a random stranger I'd have just deleted the number but as I say I already knew him and we were supposed to be 'mates' who I'd likely bump into again.
I left it about 4 days then thought I'd just give him the benefit of the doubt. Messaged again but the tone of the messages were cold, he didn't continue the conversation and took 24h per reply. I just thought, fuck this.
I ended up bumping into him in person 2 days later and asked him if he was ok or had I done something to offend him etc. as he'd seemed mega off.
He literally came out with six million excuses 'oh I've been so busy with work/I've been ill/I've had personal stuff going on/family drama'. Literally a succession of reasons. Then banging on about how he does drop off sometimes when he has a lot going on.
For some stupid reason I believed him, he must be a good liar.
Anyway I tried to play him at his own game and then the next day he started texting me again, being friendly and asked me to meet up.
Then started texting me lots. After we met up I didn't ask him out again, I literally texted him to ask if he'd seen my charger as I had lost it since being with him. Again I got off vibes from him.
He came out with more excuses 'personal issues ' but funnily never says what, also said he's 'rubbish at texting back " even though he used to be pretty good.
I've binned him off now, I will be friendly if I see him round but even as a mate I don't need that. I liked him but I actually think he's quite a baby now. He's in his 30s, he should know better.
Has anyone else had this from men before?
He really made me feel like I did something wrong, like I was too full on.
I wasn't, I suggested a fun meet up and that was it, I didn't text constantly or do anything crazy but he was just a coward. However I still feel like it's something I did, though now I've distanced myself I'm starting to see I can do a lot better.

I think that works both ways. I just wish that people would man up/woman up and say that they're not interested. Rather than ignoring texts or coming up with a long list of excuses about why they can't meetup.

The thing is all the " I wish he would" stuff is trying to change people , then getting upset that he didn't do what you wanted.
Hes telling Op who he is the first time so listen
It's called boundaries
You can't control other people's behaviour only your own.

Ask if he wants a second date-perfectly reasonable question btw
No reply
Bye then !

If he can't be arsed to reply why would you bother anyway?

No you're right, the thing is he did reply right away, saying he'd love to but it was really busy that week so he'd get back to me asap.
Seemed a decent guy so I had no reason to believe it was an excuse and didn't push it. Then I just kinda left the convo for a few days, but his vibe instantly changed the next time we spoke.
But I didn't ask him again about meeting, and then he started acting normal a week later and asked me to meet. However I wish I'd seen it earlier.

Everyone IRL and here kept telling me to make the first move.

The amount of times I'd heard someone say 'it's 2024 a woman can ask a man out for coffee these days you know ' I thought I felt something, he was telling me he was single but I didn't quite believe him because I didn't understand why a man would say that and then not act on it if you show an interest. I had got fed up with waiting and chasing was making me feel quite pathetic. I wish I'd done something sooner instead of waiting for him to make a move.

I was under the impression that some men these days actually are waiting for us to make a move and apparently if we chase them it means we can't accuse them of being controlled.

I listened to a hilarious podcast this week. JVN talking about romance being dead. It starts by saying straight women are 'f*ed' and right now I couldn't agree more.

The funny thing is that during the first meetup I wasn't 100% sure I found him attractive and thought I'd given off not interested vibes, so I texted him to show I was. Oh why did I bother.

Ok that's a bit of a drip feed him saying he would love to!
You said as soon as you asked the tone of his texts changed.

In that case hes messed you about but you have nothing to feel ashamed of Op.

Bullet dodged, Bye!
I always think in these situations it's better to find out sooner rather than later

@Vanillachocolatestrawberry I know that feeling!

I'm just hoping I've learnt from it and won't make the same mistake and I'm really hoping I don't bump into him today as it not sure how I'd react.

I actually also feel like the vibes he got from me were different from the ones I thought I was projecting.

I've deleted all dating apps and blocked him from everything. Perhaps I wasn't as ready as I thought I was.

I mean it did still as I ended the convo with a casual 'yeah sure no worries' and he didn't say anything else, but yeah he definitely made out like he wanted to. Yeh I'm sure it is a bullet dodged :)

I've had this happen to me. Being completely blanked and cut off after lots of two way meaningful messages and a really nice meet up. I went over and over it in my head like you are. I was cringing inside and completely embarrased. It also felt like it hurt. It took a long time for that feeling to diminish. Still makes me cringe inside now thinking about it and it was quite a while ago now. Remember he has no idea how this has actually left you feeling, and therefore doesn't know you are embarrased, you could be cool as a cucumber. So thinking that in itself helps to ease the embarrrased feeling. I just wish in my situation he had had more etiquette or balls. We are both grown adults. Oh well.

Unfortunately MN is full of contrarians who seem to get a kick out of crucifying the OP. If I were you I'd get MNHQ to delete this thread. Continuing it won't do your head any favours.

I've realised it's not even so much him that I'm bothered about, it's just sheer embarrassment on my side. Regret, cringe and confusion.

You live and learn OP, the guy was blowing hot and cold and sending conflicting signals, so it’s understandable you were hooked for a while but at least you’ve realised early on. I suspect he was either confused and unsure himself, or he wanted attention and an ego boost at your expense.

I used to cringe about a guy who basically told me once that I’d fallen for him harder than he’d fallen for me. He was right but hearing him actually say that was a blow to the ego in the context of how our 3
month situationship was working out. It took me about a year to get over him saying that 😂

I do keep my cards much closer to my chest after that experience and yeah that guy was also sending mixed signals. From then on I made sure I matched their energy without exceeding if that makes sense. I let the man pursue although I do respond if I’m interested.

Anyway just shrug it off and move on - as a pp said, he doesn’t know how you feel. So just act super cool and unbothered next time you encounter him, and if he starts flirting or acting interested again just casually shut it down.

Don't feel embarrassment and stop beating yourself up over it. It really is one of those things of life. Torturing yourself because things haven't gone your way is really not going to help yourself.

There will be times in your life when somebody likes you and you are not interested. You may agree to go for a few drinks and as you get to know them more you may realise that you don't want to be with them. You may not know how to tell them and may distance yourself. People do this to us and we also do it to them.

Unrequited love is very much part of life.

This is also very much like when you apply for an ideal job with a fantastic salary, get an interview, fantasize how the job will change your life, do a shit load of preparation for the interview and then find yourself crushed and disappointed when you didn't get it. Why didn't they like me? Wasn't I good enough? I had all the right qualifications and experience. If I had said this would I have got it?

Then years later you find out that you didn't get it because the job had been created for the boss' best friend's daughter.

It's life. You pick yourself up and you move on. As you get older and wiser and more experienced you learn to deal with rejection quickly and not to get hung up about these things but to keep moving forward.

Focus on what you are going to do next. Don't dwell on the things you can't change.

I've just read the whole thread. I don't think you've done anything wrong. I think he has blown hot and cold. I totally agree with you his excuses gave mixed messages. Out of interest - you seem pretty sure you will see him out and about I'm assuming it's work/hobby/friend of a friend type thing - have you seen him since all this happened?

That's a very English thing to do, putting yourself down about something so mundane and human such as being rejected and thinking you did the wrong thing. flash news: you didn't, you showed interested for a person (who had previously showed interest for you) and got rejected. It's OK to hurt. The worrying part is your emotional investment in a person you hardly know from Adam..

I'm really not bothered that someone wasn't interested, I'm annoyed at myself for believing the excuses tbh and for still bothering.

For those saying some posters are being horrible etc , no , we are trying to protect op from future hurt. I have dated loads and learnt a lot, why not pass it on? By leaving him to chase her up and invite her out she would’ve learnt pretty quickly he wasn’t interested and saved any embarrassment etc. players and mess around guys won’t often make the effort to set up dates and text often . Men who like you genuinely and you’re always in their mind will

A friend who knows him has told me this morning he was into me but has 'panicked' for some reason but that it was nothing I did. Oh well.

Read this as “At best, this guys is in no way ready to be in a relationship, at worst he is a coward not brave enough to take risks or follow what he wants, he will be useless at moving things forward be it at home, at work or even to decide for the two of you where to go for a weekend”

Run away and don’t look back. As much as you may think he can be helped with love and patience, that’s the kind of guy that turns into a manchild.

Yep.. very strange! Maybe after being single for so long it's hard to consider something else.

Thing is men are used to being rejected all the time and women aren't always nice about it, so men can be blasé themselves

There you go again… trying to psychoanalyse him to find worthy reasons for him to drop you like a hot potato.

Stop yourself woman! and follow his example: Drop it and run, if he wanted your help he would have not been off when responding to your messages.

I am just wondering why he 'panicked' suddenly but it's his problem.

Exactly, it us his problem not yours so don’t allow him to take more space in your mind as you are only hurting yourself.

It's because there are a lot of men who are only out for themselves and will say whatever is needed to get what they want from a woman. He didn't panic, he wanted the money from you, he got it, he has no more need of you for now, so he's gone quiet. There is literally nothing more to it than that. He got what he wanted. You did nothing wrong. He's a selfish twat who is out for himself, is all.