Omg.. why do men think we're idiots?!

[Vanillachocolatestrawberry]

I had a first date with someone I'd already known for around 2 months. Well maybe it wasn't a date, just a meetup but either way. We had been texting lots prior to it, it wasn't flirty but still a lot of texting. We met up, had a good chat and a day later I decided to be brave and suggest a second 'meetup' for a week later.
The vibe of his texts instantly changed. Honestly I felt embarrassed and wished I'd said nothing.
If this had been a random stranger I'd have just deleted the number but as I say I already knew him and we were supposed to be 'mates' who I'd likely bump into again.
I left it about 4 days then thought I'd just give him the benefit of the doubt. Messaged again but the tone of the messages were cold, he didn't continue the conversation and took 24h per reply. I just thought, fuck this.
I ended up bumping into him in person 2 days later and asked him if he was ok or had I done something to offend him etc. as he'd seemed mega off.
He literally came out with six million excuses 'oh I've been so busy with work/I've been ill/I've had personal stuff going on/family drama'. Literally a succession of reasons. Then banging on about how he does drop off sometimes when he has a lot going on.
For some stupid reason I believed him, he must be a good liar.
Anyway I tried to play him at his own game and then the next day he started texting me again, being friendly and asked me to meet up.
Then started texting me lots. After we met up I didn't ask him out again, I literally texted him to ask if he'd seen my charger as I had lost it since being with him. Again I got off vibes from him.
He came out with more excuses 'personal issues ' but funnily never says what, also said he's 'rubbish at texting back " even though he used to be pretty good.
I've binned him off now, I will be friendly if I see him round but even as a mate I don't need that. I liked him but I actually think he's quite a baby now. He's in his 30s, he should know better.
Has anyone else had this from men before?
He really made me feel like I did something wrong, like I was too full on.
I wasn't, I suggested a fun meet up and that was it, I didn't text constantly or do anything crazy but he was just a coward. However I still feel like it's something I did, though now I've distanced myself I'm starting to see I can do a lot better.

See some of these replies are not helping. Where does it say anywhere that I ',kept texting '? I know better than to not harass someone who isn't replying to texts.

The 'variety of excuses' are the way of saying 'I'm just not that into you.'

I think he didn't want to encourage you.

I think if you wanted it spelt out to you you could have put him on the spot and asked him outright: 'Do you want to date?'

Everybody communicates in different ways and has different degrees of clarity. It's not really something to get worked up about.

Don't worry. There are plenty of men (and women) and one day you'll meet someone who doesn't give you excuses because they'll want you.

As we say in France, 'C'est la vie!'

Yeah, I see that. It's not a style I like but I guess I better accept people do it. It's probably helped tbh as it's put me off somewhat. The very first reply made it sound like he did want to, so it just wasted time. But the right person won't do it, like you say. Why he came back messaging a week after going funny like that I won't know, but his problem.

That's why I'm saying I'm embarrassed. Saying he doesn't want to encourage me is almost like I was stalking the guy or something. He was the one who wanted my number and kept texting lots, then for whatever reason completely changed. But actually he's done me a big favour now as his style doesn't match mine.

A similar thing happened to me OP. It’s definitely not your fault, this type of behaviour usually indicates that the person has self esteem/ emotional problems and cant have a reasonable adult conversation, much less a mature relationship.

The man I was talking to I could tell he didn’t think he was worthy of love by the things he would say to me about people judging him etc. It’s fine to have a past and not be interested for any reason at all, but there’s no excuse to play games for an ego boost. The pathetic fucker was in his 30s 🤣 Those types of people may never be truly happy whoever they meet.

Looking back I am like wtf was I thinking, however when you like someone, and as I say I also knew him he wasn't from OLD, you wanna give the benefit of the doubt. I'm sure I am not the only one but the main thing is it's dead now! If he ever does come back I'll be casual and cool, but I don't think he will.

Almost a year ago I met a man I liked. A while later I ended up spending a bit of time with him and I fell for him hard.

He is a neighbour, he helped me out a couple of times and was kind. I didn't do anything about it because I assumed someone that good looking would be in a relationship. We were Facebook friends, I saw him a lot at work and around town etc. I got butterflies every time I saw him.

I posted on here because on valentines day he posted a wierd rant about being single on valentines day. I then sent him a message asking him for coffee. It got very flirty then went quiet.

We'd arranged a date but he hadn't confirmed a time. I was feeling optimistic so I went on to the dating site I was using to delete my account. He comes up as my first match and is online! So I say fancy seeing you here are we having that date or what. At that point he says he just wants fun and he's decided I'm not what he's looking for. So I convinced him that I am too and I'm not a gold digger or after a father figure for my kids so let's just see what happens.

We meet and are tearing each other's clothes off within minutes.

2 days later he texts me rejecting me and its like a stock response from a job application.

It actually says 'I wish you luck in your search'

So yes, this has happened to me! Have a very bruised ego.

You text him, his messages were off and you felt If it was a stranger you’d have deleted him but then messaged 4 days later ( I assume when he hadn’t messaged you at all)

I did, but oh well it's not a crime. He wasn't into me regardless, he wouldn't have been put off because I texted 4 days later. Either way it really doesn't matter at this point.

And as I say he started messaging me again himself a few days later after I'd left it, so yes I was confused.

He text you again after you went quiet to test whether he still had access to you, it gives them power. It’s all so pathetic from adults, especially.

Quite possibly did! Sadly he did then but he certainly won't in the future.

About 5 years ago, after 6 dates with a guy and being intimate, I told him I really liked him. He told me that was too 'full on'. I remember feeling really bad at the time. He also told me he'd needed to sleep with me to 'see if he liked me or not".
Looking back, again it wasn't the right guy. The right one would've also liked me a lot after 6 dates.

Haha we've all been there.

But I think this just illustrates why (even though there's 100% nothing wrong with making the first move) you can't guess or presume the other persons motivations?

Especially if you're looking for X and they say they want Y but you really like them so you think they can be convinced to be X.

Nothings real till you've genuinely been together for a while (and physically, not just messaging).

I've had times when I was genuinely not interested in dating or being committed to anyone (didn't want casual sex) so I went on OK Cupid and yes, definitely a good fast way to meet new people my age with things in common.

They have that "looking for friends" option.

This had mixed results - no women, I ended up with a few guys who were "agreeing to be friends but secretly not very happy with it and hoping to upgrade".

So I was hoping for "let's text and occasionally meet for a drink or hobby, but if we're not in touch regularly it's not an issue" but they were taking any contact as a "potential date".

And yes, I did message them first, but they were getting all intense and ended up lashing out a bit because they were attracted to me and were hoping for something more.

And any contact or suggesting meeting was seen as me "leading them on".

(I did actually meet one guy online dating who said and meant he was up for friends, and we're still in touch. But its very "light touch"...I think we've gone months or a year with NC and he has a partner. He's used to having female friends).

It never ceases to amaze me how some posters completely twist what an OP is saying and pluck these wild accusations out of thin air,ie- saying OP was constantly texting him and making her out to be some sort of bunny boiler!,then making OP feel shit about herself for asking/posting in the first place..geez.
OP, you've done absolutely nothing wrong here,the man is a complete waste of time and I'm glad you know your worth and have stepped away from him.I wouldn't even consider keeping him as a mate as he's obviously flaky and has no problem lying to your face,who needs friends like that?.
I genuinely don't understand why people can't just be honest if they're not interested in someone.
He will rear his head again at some point no doubt,but from what you've posted, you already know he's not worthy of another second of your time or headspace!.

@SkyBear The thing is the dating pool round here is ridiculous. So on POF my first 3 suggestions were this fit bloke round the corner I'm talking to anyway, a bloke from work and my friend's ex husband!

Because its mainly people I know I have to put as little as possible in my profile. I don't want blokes at work thinking I'm up for anything and actually I'm not even sure what I want but I persued this one a bit too much because I finally felt ready for something and because this particular one looks like a medditeranean Ben Affleck I thought I'd give it a try.

He wasn't thinking about logistics and just wants fun. He wants booty calls between shifts and shared custody of his children and had no idea how that was going to work. He also thought I was full on for questioning it and it wasn't necessarily because I wanted to get involved more I was just genuinely intrigued at how he thought his expectations were going to work with anyone?

Incedently is it an age thing? My ex divorced me because he wanted to lead the single life again. He was 45 at the time. Same age as this bloke. Mid-life crises pee chance?

The point is, why can he not just say “I’m not interested”? The variety of responses are wasting OPs time and he knows it. Everybody communicating differently is a such a bullshit excuse.

Maybe it’s because I am old but I cannot be arsed to text people and don’t really read stuff they text me. This has no bearing on whether I like them or not. So if they analysed my txtspk they would get completely the wrong end of the stick.

This guy was clearly not that interested, but either way don’t spend your life analysing tone and nuance and measuring frequency because it’s a nebulous form of communication.

Because he doesn’t want to be rude. And it’s quite presumptuous to assume she is.

I agree- and if they aren’t interested then why do they always pop back up later on then just like he did with the OP? It’s attention seeking game playing, not simply a different communication style.

He wouldn’t now be texting the OP again if he was genuinely not interested - but he’s come back hasn’t he?

No, it is rude to ignore someone. The nicest thing you can do is be honest and upfront.

Because he doesn’t want to be rude

LOL he’s doing the hot and cold thing - one minute ignoring her then later on texting her constantly, then going back to ignoring her when she responds. He’s being rude by doing that, it’s far more than rude, it’s manipulation

I assume he wanted a shag.
When you didn't then he had no interest in you.
If you'd have shagged him he would no longer had interest in you.

You keep mentioning friends. I don't see it a single thing you said why he would make a good friend at all.

Some guys are put off by women pursuing them, so maybe that could have been it

For in the future, never give a guy the benefit of the doubt. They know they don't deserve it. If a guy likes you, you'll 110% know. There will be no doubt or wishy washy or questions about it.

In the early dating days, it’s better to keep busy and just let the guy come to you if he likes you. It’s not old fashioned 1) you’re busy , perhaps dating others, and not 24/7 thinking about this one person and texting them asking to meet up . You don’t become over invested, infatuated and blinded to red flags too 2) if he approaches you to meet up, it’s a clear sign he likes you and you’re less likely to get rejected, whereas when you’re doing all the asking out on dates you’ve no idea if they’re meeting just to get to third date sex, killing time, and just not that bothered. I’d personally prefer to know someone was into me and making the effort to show that.
And no, I don’t think ‘does the man think the same when I make no effort to text etc’ because I always text back, make an effort on dates and when I know they like me properly it becomes completely equal.
Look at any thread on here and the texting , chasing a guy ones all fail to work out