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Original poster

Omg.. why do men think we're idiots?!

269 replies

Vanillachocolatestrawberry · 18/02/2024 14:12

I had a first date with someone I'd already known for around 2 months. Well maybe it wasn't a date, just a meetup but either way. We had been texting lots prior to it, it wasn't flirty but still a lot of texting. We met up, had a good chat and a day later I decided to be brave and suggest a second 'meetup' for a week later.
The vibe of his texts instantly changed. Honestly I felt embarrassed and wished I'd said nothing.
If this had been a random stranger I'd have just deleted the number but as I say I already knew him and we were supposed to be 'mates' who I'd likely bump into again.
I left it about 4 days then thought I'd just give him the benefit of the doubt. Messaged again but the tone of the messages were cold, he didn't continue the conversation and took 24h per reply. I just thought, fuck this.
I ended up bumping into him in person 2 days later and asked him if he was ok or had I done something to offend him etc. as he'd seemed mega off.
He literally came out with six million excuses 'oh I've been so busy with work/I've been ill/I've had personal stuff going on/family drama'. Literally a succession of reasons. Then banging on about how he does drop off sometimes when he has a lot going on.
For some stupid reason I believed him, he must be a good liar.
Anyway I tried to play him at his own game and then the next day he started texting me again, being friendly and asked me to meet up.
Then started texting me lots. After we met up I didn't ask him out again, I literally texted him to ask if he'd seen my charger as I had lost it since being with him. Again I got off vibes from him.
He came out with more excuses 'personal issues ' but funnily never says what, also said he's 'rubbish at texting back " even though he used to be pretty good.
I've binned him off now, I will be friendly if I see him round but even as a mate I don't need that. I liked him but I actually think he's quite a baby now. He's in his 30s, he should know better.
Has anyone else had this from men before?
He really made me feel like I did something wrong, like I was too full on.
I wasn't, I suggested a fun meet up and that was it, I didn't text constantly or do anything crazy but he was just a coward. However I still feel like it's something I did, though now I've distanced myself I'm starting to see I can do a lot better.

OP posts:
SkyBear · 18/02/2024 19:46

Vanillachocolatestrawberry · 18/02/2024 18:28

I do understand why you say that, but he used to message me all the time and say 'talk to you tomorrow ' and stuff, and he also suggested meeting so he was at least interested as a friend. Anyway it's done and dusted now :)

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It's good you've moved on now, onwards and upwards! :-)

I was a bit of a saddo and didn't get a smartphone with WhatsApp for ages...but I've definitely learned a lot of men are addicted to chatting online but never wanting to meet up.

It's not even sexy chat (it is sometimes) just "hi how was your day" crap. They kind of want a daily penpal. Which is fine unless you want more!

If you're attracted to someone and want things to move forward and meet in person, not just a chat buddy, I wouldn't chat every day in a lot of detail or send photos.

Unless it's arranging meeting. Just say you can't check your phone that often or if someone just keeps sends a random "Hi how are you?" message ignore it.

alwaysmovingforwards · 18/02/2024 19:56

InternetSloth · 18/02/2024 14:19

Honestly the truth of it is that men/boys do this with women when they simply aren't that interested. When it's the right person, their communication skills are just fine. I wish I could of just understood this when I was younger and not spent so much time agonising over guys that just weren't that into me.

Yeah I agree.
Not sure why the word cowardly was used in the OP, clearly appears just a case of not interested.

Original poster
Vanillachocolatestrawberry · 18/02/2024 19:57

alwaysmovingforwards · 18/02/2024 19:56

Yeah I agree.
Not sure why the word cowardly was used in the OP, clearly appears just a case of not interested.

Show quote history

Cowardly to make many excuses rather than just say they don't want to date.

OP posts:
Original poster
Vanillachocolatestrawberry · 18/02/2024 19:59

Like if someone says to me, 'id love to meet you I'm just busy this week with work so I'll let you know'. Then I'd like to take it at face value. Like I shouldn't automatically assume that means no? But I will be doing so now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Vanillachocolatestrawberry · 18/02/2024 20:00

Also as someone said, if someone doesn't want a second date or whatever, it's disappointing but we won't die over it. Whether they are upfront, fade or make excuses, the outcome is the same.
The only difference is that if their excuses are convincing enough and they breadcrumb you a little you might end up stupidly hanging around a bit longer like I did.

OP posts:
beatrix1234 · 18/02/2024 20:06

Shortyp · 18/02/2024 18:46

Never go chasing a man. If they like you, they will do the chasing. If they don’t, they won’t.

Such a myth, myself and know many women around me who took the first step because the guy was not taking the hint leading to long successful relationships. Yes, unfortunately men can be thick when taking the hint. Said this, what a woman should NOT do is chase a man who a) is unavailable (for x,y or z reasons) or b) chase him when he has expressed or showed little or no interest, I too see this a lot with women. In the OP's case it sounds like he was constantly texting and showing interest (even asking her on a date) so her expressing going on a second date is pretty normal. It just means she's interested in getting to know him, that's all. If that scares of a guy there's a big red flag in that and she's better off binning him.

Original poster
Vanillachocolatestrawberry · 18/02/2024 20:14

Also in my case, he could've still been considering it, which was fine too, we didn't have to go immediately. I've had other friends etc. Say I'll let you know when I can, and it turned out genuine. There was no reason for me to instantly doubt.

OP posts:
WandaWonder · 18/02/2024 20:15

So you think he is playing games so you play then back, just walk away

Rockschooldropout · 18/02/2024 20:18

It sounds like for whatever reason he decided he didn’t want to take things further but decided to keep you in the “ back burner “ just in case - don’t waste time trying to analyse him .. you’ve probably dodged a bullet - don’t contact further .. don’t leave the door open .. he had his chance … walk away

beatrix1234 · 18/02/2024 20:22

WandaWonder · 18/02/2024 20:15

So you think he is playing games so you play then back, just walk away

playing games with a new potential partner is another big red flag. You're either immature, have serious issues or massive lack of confidence.

beatrix1234 · 18/02/2024 20:38

he may also not be immature or have issues, he maybe just figuring out if he likes you enough to get involved with you. You have shown him "that's were you're at" and he's trying to figure out if he wants "to go there". Sounds like he doesn't. I can understand you being hurt by it, anybody would. No one likes rejection. You really need to bin this one, even as "mates". You like him so will always be expecting this to turn into "something else" leading to a toxic dynamic. I would delete his number and remain civilised with this guy as you're probably going to bump into in your social circle. No harsh feelings. Greener pastures.

Original poster
Vanillachocolatestrawberry · 18/02/2024 20:41

beatrix1234 · 18/02/2024 20:38

he may also not be immature or have issues, he maybe just figuring out if he likes you enough to get involved with you. You have shown him "that's were you're at" and he's trying to figure out if he wants "to go there". Sounds like he doesn't. I can understand you being hurt by it, anybody would. No one likes rejection. You really need to bin this one, even as "mates". You like him so will always be expecting this to turn into "something else" leading to a toxic dynamic. I would delete his number and remain civilised with this guy as you're probably going to bump into in your social circle. No harsh feelings. Greener pastures.

Yep definitely, I will get over him soon, I'm already way less bothered after reading the replies on here, I just dislike that kind of excuses stuff. I'll still be civil and polite with him.

OP posts:
Fizzadora · 18/02/2024 20:48

Why do men think we're idiots?
Well going on some of the stupid responses on this thread from those who haven't even read the original post properly, let alone your later posts, they'd be right wouldn't they?

ChanelNo19EDT · 18/02/2024 20:50

Mumsanetta · 18/02/2024 14:24

His actions are telling you exactly how he feels about you. Pay attention and listen to him. He’s just not that into you.

sadly this is true, men don't come right out and say ''loooook, you're alright I guess but honestly i could take you or leave you but obviously I want to fuck you so i'm going to be deliberately ambiguous until i've fucked you then i'll feel awkward, maybe a bit of shame, won't be able to communicate that so i'll ghost you''.

Charlize43 · 18/02/2024 20:58

I think he just wasn't that into you and panicked when you started showing too much interest. It's not unusual and the reverse happens all the time. Only yesterday, a friend told me that she'd said yes to coffee with a supplier but now he'd started texting her and wanting to meet up again. She hasn't replied and is trying to appear cool so that she doesn't encourage him.

You need to let it go and move on. I think you sound far too invested in the whole thing.

Original poster
Vanillachocolatestrawberry · 18/02/2024 20:59

Charlize43 · 18/02/2024 20:58

I think he just wasn't that into you and panicked when you started showing too much interest. It's not unusual and the reverse happens all the time. Only yesterday, a friend told me that she'd said yes to coffee with a supplier but now he'd started texting her and wanting to meet up again. She hasn't replied and is trying to appear cool so that she doesn't encourage him.

You need to let it go and move on. I think you sound far too invested in the whole thing.

I literally suggested meeting up, that's all I did. If he took that as too much interest then it isn't for me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Vanillachocolatestrawberry · 18/02/2024 21:00

Charlize43 · 18/02/2024 20:58

I think he just wasn't that into you and panicked when you started showing too much interest. It's not unusual and the reverse happens all the time. Only yesterday, a friend told me that she'd said yes to coffee with a supplier but now he'd started texting her and wanting to meet up again. She hasn't replied and is trying to appear cool so that she doesn't encourage him.

You need to let it go and move on. I think you sound far too invested in the whole thing.

I have already moved on as I've distanced myself. But the thread isn't about that, the thread is about people coming out with an array of excuses.

OP posts:
Original poster
Vanillachocolatestrawberry · 18/02/2024 21:02

The thread is not me asking whether he's interested or not. ! I'm just talking about this kind of behaviour where people make a variety of excuses as opposed to being clearer.

OP posts:
thebestinterest · 18/02/2024 21:04

InternetSloth · 18/02/2024 14:19

Honestly the truth of it is that men/boys do this with women when they simply aren't that interested. When it's the right person, their communication skills are just fine. I wish I could of just understood this when I was younger and not spent so much time agonising over guys that just weren't that into me.

This 💯

Scarletttulips · 18/02/2024 21:05

If you want straight talking - he clearly isn’t that person. Better to find out early than when it’s too late.

Original poster
Vanillachocolatestrawberry · 18/02/2024 21:05

Scarletttulips · 18/02/2024 21:05

If you want straight talking - he clearly isn’t that person. Better to find out early than when it’s too late.

Exactly! I don't want avoidant. It seems to be totally fine for many on here, but definitely not for me.

OP posts:
beatrix1234 · 18/02/2024 21:06

Vanillachocolatestrawberry · 18/02/2024 21:02

The thread is not me asking whether he's interested or not. ! I'm just talking about this kind of behaviour where people make a variety of excuses as opposed to being clearer.

"I'm not really interested in getting in a relationship with you but your attention is good for my ego and maybe a shag at some point would be a nice thing" said no man ever.

Boogiebadass · 18/02/2024 21:08

Honestly you kept texting when he wasn’t even replying, too much in those early days which is off putting for anyone. Seems like you are too invested

User135644 · 18/02/2024 21:09

Understandable that you feel embarrassed. Men have to deal with rejection all the time though as it's up to them usually to ask a woman out. He may have therefore wanted to spare your feelings.

Original poster
Vanillachocolatestrawberry · 18/02/2024 21:17

Boogiebadass · 18/02/2024 21:08

Honestly you kept texting when he wasn’t even replying, too much in those early days which is off putting for anyone. Seems like you are too invested

Nope, I didn't double text, at all.

OP posts: