It’s an inheritance one!

[BacktoBreathe]

I'm aware inheritance is quite polarising on mumsnet so I’m zipping up my thick skin in preparation.

So…. I have 1 sibling. They have and won’t have any children. I do - primary school age. My sibling and I are a similar amount of wealthy and if we were to die it’s enough to help someone in life but below inheritance tax thresholds.

Largely I expect my DC to earn their own money when they’re adults but I don’t see how they would ever buy a house without help and if I have enough I’d love to help them get on the ladder when the time comes.

My sibling has just told me that they are writing in their will to give anything they have to charity. I’m…. Sad.

On the one hand they should do whatever they want with their money. It’s their money. I have no right to ‘expect’ anything goes to my DC and certainly no power over where it goes.

But on the other I think it’s hypocritical. My sibling has, over their life, taken help from family (about half was an inheritance, they also took various help to get on their feet when starting out). Not loads of money but maybe 50 k over the years. I also took the inheritance I was given but not the additional help as I’ve always worked and expected to pay my own way. That’s fine - we make different choices in life. But this help was given to my sibling by very family oriented people and I know that their wish would be to ‘pay it forward’ to the younger generation (which in this case would be my children). Also we are both, as stands, set to inherit about £150 k each from my parents. Though that depends on care home fees.

So not to drip feed then I’m not sure I’ll live long enough to set my children up. 2 years ago I was diagnosed with cancer. It’s looking good at the moment and I’m hopeful. But my fear is that my children are left with a shit lot in life. I’d hoped that my sibling would step in if that happened but now I’m feeling like my children just aren’t that important in my siblings life.

AIBU?

YABU: money given historically is just that, ancient history, and should be spent by the receiver however they like. Family have no duty to help each other out financially. There are so many people in the world who don’t have the advantages that we do in the western world and you can affect more people’s lives through charity.

YANBU: family money is there to be passed down to the next generation. If you accept financial help from family you should expect to financially help family yourself.

Your sisters will has absolutely nothing to do with you op, whether you like it or not.

My sibling and I are the only niece/nephew of a childless aunt. I am told we are in her will but I absolutely expect nothing from her (and she's a fair bit younger than her sibling/my parent so plenty of years to change her mind).

If she wanted to leave us a small sum each I would view that as a nice gesture, but equally if she wants to leave it to the dogs home, that's her prerogative. We are not her responsibility.

My sibling is childless also and again, while it would be nice to leave my children something, I would not expect it. My children are my responsibility, my life has been about my children - my sibling has an entirely different life and besides, if they'd had children of their own, their money would never have come anywhere near my children

I really do hate the notion that everyone thinks they should tell childless ppl what to do with their money. If they'd have had children, their money wouldn't be up for grabs so anything inherited from them is a bonus imo.

As pointed out by a pp, your sibling has offered to be the guardian for your children should the worst happen - that's a much bigger gesture and more difficult to carry out than simply leaving them money and surely demonstrates their love for you and them.

Its wierd how childless posters are so often told that they dont understand how difficult it is to parent children, how tiring it is, how much time it takes, how much your life changes

Yet apparently here it seems it cant possibly be that much time and effort. Because the sister is willing to take on children that arent hers and raise them yet apparently that's not a sign of how much love there is, or how close they are, unless she also backs it up financially

This. So much sanctimonious waffle on here. Of course it's OP's sister's money to do with what she wishes, but there's no way I would choose to leave every penny to charity if there were close loved family who may be in need. All the more so having benefitted from other family members helping me financially! It's just unkind.
Of course this is all hopefully many years into the future and may not even be an issue, but for me it doesn't pass the test of either love or fairness given the background and surrounding circumstances.
And to say it's entitled - that is just nonsense. There is obviously no legal entitlement, but nor are we talking about your grabby distant relative or a nephew you barely see who doesn't send thank-you cards. This is about a seriously ill OP with two children who is close to her sister, who has herself been the beneficiary of other family members.
It's a false dichotomy to say that love has nothing to do with choosing who you may eventually leave something to. After after you're gone the money is a tangible symbol of that love and care. To put it another way - if you love someone and are able to help make their life better in some way, you do.
That doesn't mean there's anything wrong with leaving a gift to charity too. But choosing one exclusively over the other, you make your priorities clear - as is your right. I wouldn't expect it in a close family though unless money was really no object for any potential recipients.

nor are we talking about your grabby distant relative or a nephew you barely see who doesn't send thank-you cards.

Actually we dont know its not the second one

The OP has been asked how close her children are to her sister but hasnt actually confirmed anything other than "not as close as I thought"

So for all we know the OPs children are nephews the sister barely sees who don't sent thank you cards

As a childless aunt it makes me a bit sad that someone in my position wouldn't want to leave something to their niece or nephew. Especially as they don't seem to leaving it to anyone else but to a charity.

Personally anything I leave is likely to to go to DN.

I also agreed to be a guardian when DN was a child.

Certainly I would want any family heirlooms to stay within the family rather than being sold by a charity to raise funds.

I would also want to provide for DN's future though. They are an adult and earning now but in a low paid industry doing pretty physical work and I would like to think anything I might leave would help them to be more secure in later life, maybe set up a business or perhaps retire a little earlier or more comfortably or if they have children to help them.

This really. Who's to say someone won't marry at any time and want to leave it to their partner.

My view is that you should be thankful if someone leaves it to you, and not angry if they don't. And don't be surprised if life comes along and puts a huge spanner in the works even if you think you are getting something.

Many parents choose not to leave their kids large amounts of money because they feel it is appropriate for them to make their own way in life. I don't think that means those parents love their kids any less. it just means they have a different parenting style to most. I don't believe anyone has the right to judge them on that decision.

Your sibling is entitled to leave their money to whoever they want. If they had children, they’d be leaving it to them, so your children wouldn’t be seeing any of it then anyway. It just happens that they don’t have children and they wish to leave it to a charity.

I don’t have, and won’t have, children, but my sibling does. I don’t have anyone to leave my money or estate too, so I will enjoy my life and spend what I want. Any left over will be split between charities that I support, but I do plan on leaving something for my niece. Not the full estate though.

I don't have any issue with what you've posted, ProvincialLady but why are you calling posters 'sanctimonious'?

You're also referencing family money that OP's sister has had - well OP had it too. Nothing at all has been said about that.

Two of my brothers are childless. I have no idea what they plan to do with their wills and honestly, I don't want to know. It causes so much discord in families and that is where the entitlement sets in. Honestly, the talk of OP's sister being made to pay back the family money she received... where's the fairness in that?

OP's sister has said that she will look after OP's children should OP die. That is a huge undertaking and the most definite sign of love that I can think of. Should that happen then it's quite possible that their aunt will look out for them financially. Bear in mind that OP and her husband, the children's parents, will also have done this.

I wonder if OP's sister has heard quite a bit about wills and family money pots and just wants the conversation to stop. If I were asked about my financial planning after my death I might say 'everything going to charity' just to shut people up. It's certainly one way to find out if the fawning is 'in anticipation'.

The post from another poster upthread suggesting that OP speak to her parents about sister's notion of leaving her money to charity - in the hope that parents would make total provision for OP's children (rather than just her share), cutting sister out, made me queasy.

Fundamental error made asking/talking about provisions of the will(s). Nobody has the right to this information during a person's lifetime. It causes nothing but aggro.

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe
I just find it a bit sanctimonious to lecture someone with cancer who's worrying about her children's future. I have no idea how the conversation came up but if it was me in those circumstances and I was close to my sister, I'd be a bit blindsided that she was saying that to me. Lots of posters telling her off for being entitled when I don't think that's where she's coming from at all. We have no idea if OP even asked about her sister's will in the first place.

Most people would be upset and worried enough in OP's position without a sibling coming out with a comment like that. In my experience, people who will away their entire estates like that are either not very nice, or their families aren't. There's usually distance or estrangement going on, not close family like this. I've never come across this scenario without some kind of toxic backstory, so I do think it's pretty sanctimonious to pretend otherwise and come along and lecture the OP.

I also don't think OP is trying to get her sister cut out at all.

OP receiving family help isn't the point - it's about the sister who has been happy to benefit from something she doesn't see any need for when it comes to her own family.

Agreeing to be her children's guardian is amazing, but I might wonder if my sister either meant it or had a rather strange idea of what that entailed given what she's said.

YABU. We're childless and it hasn't even occurred to me that our siblings might expect us to leave money for our nieces and nephews in our wills (we haven't, we plan to spend our money while we're alive and to leave any remainder to charities close to us).

Agree with you, I wonder would people speak face to face like this to a mother with young children who has a cancer diagnosis - I hope not!

I don't disagree with any of that, ProvincialLady and yes, it wasn't the OP who was suggesting to try to get her sister disinherited by their parents, it was another poster who is absolutely lacking.

We don't know what conversations have been had or why? To me, it's very odd to speak to family members about what's in somebody's will. I would talk about mine with my husband but not with siblings. That said, OP's sister is planning to stand in to help OP's children should she die. Presumably OP's husband will also be around to bring up his children/be there for them. Maybe that's how it's come about?

I think that most posters are struck by the inequity of OP's sister being judged for giving to a charity when if she had had children of her own, this wouldn't have been an issue. I agree with that to an extent because nobody knows how much money OP's sister will have anyway, to leave to a charity or whomever else yet, OP is extremely fixated on the 'family pot'. That thinking needs to go - or a family row will be the likely result.

I've learned a lot from this thread myself; namely that big charities are perhaps not the ones to support, local is better. I have a nephew and niece, and also my own children. I wouldn't hesitate to take them in (but they're older now), but I wouldn't necessarily make provision for them in my will - they have their own parents to do that. The fact that I have children is immaterial really. I wouldn't love my nephew and niece more or less if I left them money, I give them money for birthdays/Christmas anyway.

This thread has been useful as a cautionary tale; add Will provisions to the topics not to be discussed.

I just re read the email.

It's £13.04p and is a 'seasonal chicken pasta salad'

We dont know why the sister is childfree

I would certainly hope no one was starting conversations with total strangers behind my back about who I should or shouldnt be allowed to leave my money too simply because I have a medical condition which means I cant carry a baby to full term...

Or does the compassion only extend to mothers of young children?

I sympathise with you, OP. I know my children are not entitled to anything from my siblings but given the circumstances you described, it would definitely hurt my feelings, and it would change how I see my relationship with them.

OP my Aunty predeceased her mother ( father was already dead) , and her share of the inheritance went to my aunty's children, my cousins, not my Mum ( she was my mum's sister) . Cousins were adults at the time. You need to speak to your parents about their will and how it is worded and see if this would happen for your children. I really feel for you in terms of the cancer diagnosis but I don't think you are entitled to a view on who your sister leaves her money to, regardless of any help she received in the past. I am baffled by the idea of a family pot.

I think this is going to be my last series of updates. I’m finding some of the comments quite abrupt which I don’t think helps anyone. And some comments seem to deliberately taking things out of contact: quoting half a sentence to change the meaning is a strange thing for dimllaishebiaith to have done.

How close are we? I really don’t know what details you want here. I’ve said we’re close. Close enough to know stuff about each other that no one else does. Close enough that I’m the person they call when their car breaks down the night before a job interview and I do a 450 mile trip to get them, take them there and back again. Close enough to have been their guarantor when they needed it. Close enough to buy them their first (old banger) car so they could get a job. Close enough to have cried on their shoulder when I got my diagnosis. Close enough that Christmas cards the DC make are displayed on his mantelpiece. Close enough that I’d trust the most valuable things in my world to their care. Close enough to have family holidays. So yes, I’d say close.

I have taken money too - I said that in my OP. Not as much as them, but I was older and more secure so I had less need. I’m not sure the relevance of this question.

Would I feel differently if they had children? If they had children of their own and were giving everything they had to charity I’d be shocked, unless there was some major reason. So I’d feel stronger about it but not inherently differently, I’d expect them to be passing some onto the younger generation.

Would I feel differently without my diagnosis? I think so. I have a slow growing cancer so things are ok at the moment but the future is very uncertain. I thought I had years to work but I might not be able to - that is affecting how secure I feel the family is financially.

i am pretty sure itsthe default UNLESS the will says - but if i die first - give it all to Sister 1.

generally - leave X to Bob - Bob dies first - that gift fails.

BUT if Bob was their child (i think grandkids also get this treatment), and dies first, then Bob's share goes to bob's kids.

You have to specify you DO NOT want that to happen, for it not to happen.

Oh your sibling is your brother.

And some comments seem to deliberately taking things out of contact: quoting half a sentence to change the meaning is a strange thing for dimllaishebiaith to have done.

I didn't

I have checked my posts and at no point have I quoted half a sentence to change the meaning.

BacktoBreathe I am sorry for your diagnosis; hopefully that cancer, if not treatable, is extremely slow-growing.

The thing is, everybody posting here will have their views shaped on their own experiences and it's difficult not to overlay those sometimes. My family set up is a bit on the cooler side, we have never inherited anything from anybody and the expectation has never been there either. We're close in an indifferent sort of a way, there if needed.

I think your plan to speak to your parents about your share is a good idea. It would be nice to think that it won't be needed but if the provision is there then you need not think about it again, you can rest easy.

There is no gracious way to speak to your sister about her will. Any provisions that she makes in it are her own but perhaps it's not as black and white as she's indicated and provision has been made for your children? I would imagine though, will or not, should she need to step in for you as arranged, that she would be loving and caring for your children. You're close and you wouldn't have arranged this with her if that were not the case.

People can be odd about death and wills. In our small family, we're all off to direct cremation, no service, no frills.

I wish you well, for your health and for your future plans.

I think your concerns are very understandable given your cancer diagnosis though hope things continue to look positive on this front.
As others have said, you may feel more reassured if you have a conversation about your siblings role in raising your children if you were not around - though am unclear whether you have a partner, they have another parent who would be the primary carer in your absence.
More concerning for me would be to understand whether the potential inheritance you expect for you and your sibling would automate pass to your children if you weren’t around or would your sibling become the sole beneficiary? If the second I would be upset by their decision to exclude your children from her will.
I know this is all very upsetting for you to have to think about but maybe being clear about this is what you need to stop you feeling the injustice of this along with the injustice of your own health
Sending lots of empathy and positive vibes your way x

@GasPanic

“My view is that you should be thankful if someone leaves it to you, and not angry if they don't”

so true!

ANYone else's money is none of your business. End of.