It’s an inheritance one!

[BacktoBreathe]

I'm aware inheritance is quite polarising on mumsnet so I’m zipping up my thick skin in preparation.

So…. I have 1 sibling. They have and won’t have any children. I do - primary school age. My sibling and I are a similar amount of wealthy and if we were to die it’s enough to help someone in life but below inheritance tax thresholds.

Largely I expect my DC to earn their own money when they’re adults but I don’t see how they would ever buy a house without help and if I have enough I’d love to help them get on the ladder when the time comes.

My sibling has just told me that they are writing in their will to give anything they have to charity. I’m…. Sad.

On the one hand they should do whatever they want with their money. It’s their money. I have no right to ‘expect’ anything goes to my DC and certainly no power over where it goes.

But on the other I think it’s hypocritical. My sibling has, over their life, taken help from family (about half was an inheritance, they also took various help to get on their feet when starting out). Not loads of money but maybe 50 k over the years. I also took the inheritance I was given but not the additional help as I’ve always worked and expected to pay my own way. That’s fine - we make different choices in life. But this help was given to my sibling by very family oriented people and I know that their wish would be to ‘pay it forward’ to the younger generation (which in this case would be my children). Also we are both, as stands, set to inherit about £150 k each from my parents. Though that depends on care home fees.

So not to drip feed then I’m not sure I’ll live long enough to set my children up. 2 years ago I was diagnosed with cancer. It’s looking good at the moment and I’m hopeful. But my fear is that my children are left with a shit lot in life. I’d hoped that my sibling would step in if that happened but now I’m feeling like my children just aren’t that important in my siblings life.

AIBU?

YABU: money given historically is just that, ancient history, and should be spent by the receiver however they like. Family have no duty to help each other out financially. There are so many people in the world who don’t have the advantages that we do in the western world and you can affect more people’s lives through charity.

YANBU: family money is there to be passed down to the next generation. If you accept financial help from family you should expect to financially help family yourself.

We are in the position where dh has cancer so when his mother was told (fil died 10 years before and left everything to mil) she changed her will to cut dh and children out and left it all to his child free brother as I and the children would inherit dh’s death in service life insurance.

Except dh didn’t die, he survived and at the start of lockdown along with dc we lost jobs, businesses and had to sell our home.

Mil died last year

Bil told dh that he would tell dh when the will was to be read and when probate was granted. He waited until dh couldn’t contest the will and then announced that he was surprised as mil had left everything to him.

He didn’t realise you could get wills on line and we could see his lie when we pointed out who signed the will and what date it was made (just before mils dementia diagnosis)

He now has has a very high 6 figure amount in cash and 3 houses and can’t give any away as he won’t know how much he is going to need.

He doesn’t even claim his pension

He says he is going to leave dc enough to buy a house
They would like a house now not when they are 50+
I had to point out to them to ignore what he says as he is someone who wants to look like they are very kind and generous but it is all lies

My own father who I wasn’t in contact with hadn’t made a will

I found out he had died much later on. His brother said he was next of kin and took everything

His brother is extremely wealthy and leaving everything to charities

Why have you chosen not to make a claim against your uncle for your money? It would hardly be a complicated case to prove: in the absence of a will you'd literally just need birth and death certificates.

What I find interesting here is the split between those who say they are childless and are leaving money to charities or friends versus all of those who say “IF they were childless” then they would leave the money to nieces and nephews.

It seems to me scanning through the full thread a few childless aunts are planning on leaving estates to Niblings, with the majority saying not. Most of those saying money should stay in the family are those with children and are saying what they think the position should be if they were in that position, (so very much a vested interest)

A very astute observation.

I am child free and I recently made my first will. I plan to spend my money on my retirement but if I should die early it will go to my sibling for his children. They know this as I asked if I should leave it to the sibling or to the currently very young DNs. It's entirely my decision - sibling was not expecting it. And hopefully I will have spent it on my long life anyway.

Good grief, read the OP’s post properly this time 🙄

@Haydenn yes that’s my observation too. We have four children but we have also left named legacies to all our nieces and nephews in our wills.

@BacktoBreathe I would also ask your sibling who he/she has nominated as executor of his/her will. It would be very unreasonable to expect a family member to carry out all the work this entails on behalf of the beneficiaries.

If your parents know about your diagnosis can you not ask them to make provision for your share to go to your children ? Hopefully it won’t come to that but if I was your parent I would change my will to that effect?

OP in the nicest possible way, you are looking at this as though your sister could help your kids get on in life via an inheritance at a time when they need it, eg in their twenties.
If your kids are primary aged I assume your sis isn't that old?
She may be looking at another 40/50 years by which time your kids will have kids of their own.
Sorry about your recent diagnosis and,I hope everything turns out OK on that front.
Maybe look into a good life insurance policy

I am the childless sister, my sister inherits everything, if she goes first it all goes to her children. Everyone knows this.

I can’t imagine not wanting my lovely niece and nephew to inherit my house. It is worth quite a bit and, assuming it’s not used for care, would be a big boost for them (perhaps in their forties or fifties though).

have you asked your sister why? particularly as some of the wrath will be from your parents and therefore the kids grandparents?

@Bellyblueboy it doesn't matter why. Sibling has simply made their decision to leave money to charity. It's not really OP's business why.

In your opinion.
The sibling has already told the OP the plan, so clearly talked about it. What's wring with asking why? Isn't that normal conversation between siblings?
My siblings know the direction of my will, and vice versa. We are just open about it.

Good point.

Childless relatives aren't back-up parents. They have their own lives and needs and goals.

Many of them are also perfectly aware of the possible pitfalls of leaving to charity. They are capable of researching where their money will make a difference.

I find the view that leaving money outside the family isn't fair very strange. Inheritance isn't fair. It makes a huge divide between the haves and the have nots. I can see parents will naturally want to give their children every advantage. But the idea that every older relative should chip in to add to that advantage does not appeal to me.

I donate to charity now and I hope to do so after my death. Why should only the super-rich and their foundations get to help strangers?

OP: If I die before my parents then anything they have when they die will go to my sibling. And so then to charity.

Assuming my husband doesn’t remarry then my DC will inherit anything my husband owns at time of death. he personally won’t inherit anything from his family.

afaik it is very common for a will to specify that where close family are concerned if a beneficiary is deceased then the money passes to the next generation - i.e grandchildren. Did they do a very basic DIY will?

Also - even if your DH were to re-marry he can still leave his assets direct to yours and his children, it doesn't all automatically have to pass to a spouse. As long as the surviving spouse has enough to live on there can be no challenge.

Nobody has to act as executor whether they are named in the will or not.

I'd have no problem - health and other commitments permitting - helping as an executor where the legacy went to charity. It's the last thing you can do for someone.

That seems really sensible and reasonable.

What you mean is that the parents should be told about the sister's charity plans so that the parents can cut her out of their plans altogether, yes?

Grasping isn't a strong enough word.

As someone planning to leave my (not terribly significant) estate to charity, I would also be likely to alter this to help a relative or close friend in hardship.

Except for the childless aunts who have said they would leave their estate to their nieces and nephews.

If my DC pre-decease me or we all go in the same horrible event my estate goes to my nieces and nephews, with other bequests to a friend (the DC;s god-free parent).

My childfree sibling and IL are leaving their estate to their nieces and nephews.

But unlike some of the aunts on this thread we all get on and are close, and the nieces and nephews socialise with their aunts and uncles, and send thank you notes for presents!

I get on fine with my family.

They don't need my money!

May I be struck down immediately if I ever become the kind of person who revises my will over a thank you note or lack thereof.

No, that is not what is suggested.

Just that in dividing their estate, the parents could leave half to the sibling and half to the OP, or the OP's DC in her place.

ATM the parents are saying that if the OP pre-deceases them the whole of their estate would go to the sibling.. Not to her DC in her place.

So suggesting that the parents adopt a very common structure of will making.

Literally in my first line I acknowledge those people 🤣 ! I say there are a few of those, but the majority who say they are childless admit that they are leaving their money elsewhere.

TempleofBloom, I read it fine - this bit is the one I was querying, albeit it's very clear in intention as far as I can see.
If the opportunity arises I’d also mention the charity bit in you dsis’s will, purely to let them know, not to actively ask them to do anything about it - although they may choose to take that into account.

My sister has already made it clear to me fairly bluntly that her children are being brought up to understand that Auntie Dim has absolutely no right to expect any of their time and effort in my old age, just because I happen to be infertile.

She does however expect her children to profit from my infertility

My neice lived with me for a year, my nephew has lived with me for several years so I have gone rather above and beyond the average Aunt duties, in spite of being disabled myself, but still I have to be made aware that all of this still doesn't mean I can have any expectation of help if I ever need it from my neice and nephew. I've at no point indicated I would expected it, but still it's been pointed out to me on multiple occasions

My friends on the other hand, I spend a lot of time with their kids and they are bringing their kids up with the expectation that if your family friends have nowhere to go at Christmas or if they need a little help then you reach out and help. They actively model this for their children with older family friends themselves. So I know that if I am left alone in my old age that there will be three children who will always make sure I am never alone at Christmas

Whilst I still intend on leaving some money to my niece and nephew because I don't expect them to look after me in my old age just to "earn" an inheritance from me, I damn well intend on leaving some to my friends children too. Because apparently all this love and care and family feeling that people are told about isn't actually expected to flow to childless relatives, just from them.