It’s an inheritance one!

[BacktoBreathe]

I'm aware inheritance is quite polarising on mumsnet so I’m zipping up my thick skin in preparation.

So…. I have 1 sibling. They have and won’t have any children. I do - primary school age. My sibling and I are a similar amount of wealthy and if we were to die it’s enough to help someone in life but below inheritance tax thresholds.

Largely I expect my DC to earn their own money when they’re adults but I don’t see how they would ever buy a house without help and if I have enough I’d love to help them get on the ladder when the time comes.

My sibling has just told me that they are writing in their will to give anything they have to charity. I’m…. Sad.

On the one hand they should do whatever they want with their money. It’s their money. I have no right to ‘expect’ anything goes to my DC and certainly no power over where it goes.

But on the other I think it’s hypocritical. My sibling has, over their life, taken help from family (about half was an inheritance, they also took various help to get on their feet when starting out). Not loads of money but maybe 50 k over the years. I also took the inheritance I was given but not the additional help as I’ve always worked and expected to pay my own way. That’s fine - we make different choices in life. But this help was given to my sibling by very family oriented people and I know that their wish would be to ‘pay it forward’ to the younger generation (which in this case would be my children). Also we are both, as stands, set to inherit about £150 k each from my parents. Though that depends on care home fees.

So not to drip feed then I’m not sure I’ll live long enough to set my children up. 2 years ago I was diagnosed with cancer. It’s looking good at the moment and I’m hopeful. But my fear is that my children are left with a shit lot in life. I’d hoped that my sibling would step in if that happened but now I’m feeling like my children just aren’t that important in my siblings life.

AIBU?

YABU: money given historically is just that, ancient history, and should be spent by the receiver however they like. Family have no duty to help each other out financially. There are so many people in the world who don’t have the advantages that we do in the western world and you can affect more people’s lives through charity.

YANBU: family money is there to be passed down to the next generation. If you accept financial help from family you should expect to financially help family yourself.

Haven’t RTFT, so apologies if a repeat, but what sort of charity(ies) is money being left to?

Id love to know what the relevance of this is?

Oh she’s leaving her own money to the British Heart Foundation, that’s ok, that’s a ‘proper charity’. She’s leaving her own money to Cats Protection, it’s disgusting she loves cats more than her niece presumably?

Yup. You got it. Leaving everything to animal charities is basically a middle finger to the world.

I can understand someone choosing to leave the lot to a charity that benefits people, possibly with a connection to the life of the person. Donkeys, dogs or cats etc? No, that’s just a ‘fuck you’ statement.

Ian Brady left his money to animal charities.

I’d ban legacies to animal charities. 👍

I am not an animal person myself but lots of people give time and money to look after them in life. That's very obvious and there are good humans reasons to do so. It lessens suffering. So people can certainly leave money to animal charities without ulterior motives.

Childless relatives aren't back-up parents. They have their own lives and needs and goals

Yes, until they get old and expect help from their nieces and nephews who if they said no would then get guilt tripped by the whole "but you're family" refrain- Ive seen this happen multiple times. You cant wheel out the "you're family" thing only when it suits you!

Plenty of childless relatives don't get help from nephews and nieces, or expect it.

I agree that if you are getting substantial help from younger relatives in your old age you should try to repay them, and a legacy is often the way to do that.

That feels very different to me from assuming that you should keep all money in the family no matter what.

If I were in OP's sister's position I would be prepared to support relatives in hardship. I would be prepared to repay any help needed and given in old age. But that wouldn't stop me from having charities as the beneficiary of my will meanwhile.

just as well you’re not in charge of that then.

Mine are willed to animal charities. If someone disagrees with that it’s their problem 🤷🏻‍♀️

This thread has been so enlightening. I didn't agree with the OP on the first place. But having read the entire thread, when I return to the UK on Wednesday I'm changing my will. I've thought about it several times in recent years, and never done it. The main beneficiary is my nephew. That is the son of my brother who, within six months of learning his child was the beneficiary, never contacted me again - 9th January 2016 - because he was busy. Never returned a phone call. Too busy. Or an email, too busy. A couple of texts, but... yes, you guessed it, too busy. Nephew gets £100 at birthday and Christmas - can't be arsed to even text me that the voucher arrived. Two major surgeries since 2016 that could have been life threatening- my brother didn't even know about them because there was no point telling him - he couldn't give a shit.

I'm going with the middle finger - the other minor beneficiary is the Dogs Trust. I'm now leaving the lot to them.

@neriah as someone who is big on family ties and is leaving money to all my nieces and nephews I think you are entirely justified in your decision!!

If I were them, I’d want to leave something to my briefs/nephews. Do they not have a good relationship?

if they decide not to, that’s their right. You being sad, sounds grabby

Definitely talk to your parents, I find it very strange that if you died before they do that 'your' part of the inheritance would go to your sibling and not to your children.
Re the sibling, yes it's hurtful, but obviously they are allowed to give their money to charity. Hopefully not the bloody RSPCA but hopefully charities which will do good with the money and improve people's lives.

OP’s sister has raised this. With my sister we are close enough and open enough to discuss it.

I am executor of my childless uncles will. I know what is in it and he has talked it over with me a few times.

absolutely OP’s sister can do what she wants with her money - but she must have a reason not to leave it to family. Maybe she thinks OPs husband will get it?

i suppose some people are more open about these things than others - but the door is half way open her - the subject has been broached

Fair point.

You posted about feeling sad, OP, and I get that. If you're afraid of leaving your children I can see that you'd want every sign your sister felt close to them.

But maybe she really does. And you don't know how things might change later anyway.

A practical step might be to say to your sister, thanks for the heads-up, I'm going to have a chat with mum and dad to ask what they can do to make sure my share goes to my children after me. Nobody could object to that if you're open and gentle.

There is another thing that maybe motivated your sister. You're talking as if it could be expected that your husband would leave his legacy away from your children if he remarries. He could, but it would be an awful thing to do.

Have you been talking to your sister like that? Because your post comes across as if you think she has more responsibility than him.

She may be pushing back against that. Are you in a position to ringfence anything for your children if necessary?

Hope everything goes as well as possible for you.

I personally wouldn’t really think to count on a sibling’s inheritance.

I am the oldest (and wealthiest) of multiple siblings and we are all currently young enough that I am the only one with a will (I think) and none of us currently have kids. As my will currently stand, one close relative (not my parents) is meant to inherite my house, and 2 out of 4 siblings are meant to inherit my money. I have picked the siblings based on the relationship I have with them and the likelyhood they will need it most. I have purposefully left out both my parents and DB1 out of my will, and DSis1 is left out only because she is a minor and has two parents who are now providing her with a comfortable lifestyle and will be able to continue to do so since the rest of us are adults, which gives her a step up none of us have had.

Like I have said, we are all still young, and so currently it makes sense for my younger siblings to inherit, but if I was still to be alive in 15 years time (statistically likely based on my age), then I would probably edit my will and actually have the friends I am closest to inherit if I am child free, and give a token amount to nieces and nephews (if they were to exist) and a good chunk to charity (as I do care about donating to childhood cancer research).

Why will I desinherit my siblings in 15 years? Because by then they will be adults in their late 30’s and I would expect them all to be established and to fund their own lives and their children’s too if they exist. Similarly I know my siblings well enough to know I will never be part of their will, nor my kids, not for any bad reasons other that it’s not even something that would enter their mind I don’t think, nor would I have even thought to ever expect it tbh. And I wouldn’t even think to be offended either, if they chose to donate it all to charity, the pope or a dog down the road.

It’s their money, I don’t have any claim on it, and if any of my siblings started trying to claim my inheritance for their family, while I am still very much alive, I would be quick to rule them out of the will as it just seems incredibly bad taste tbh.

of course if one of my siblings had cancer and was to die, I would make sure my nieces/nephews don’t miss out on opportunities and having a comfortable life (as best as they can under the circumstances) and would help out as much as I physically and financially can while I am alive, but it doesn’t necessarily mean I would give them all of my money and put them on my will.

Been a busy day! I’ll try to answer some points:

‘You're talking as if it could be expected that your husband would leave his legacy away from your children if he remarries. He could, but it would be an awful thing to do.

Have you been talking to your sister like that? Because your post comes across as if you think she has more responsibility than him.’

if it comes across like that it’s not my intention. I absolutely think that the DC are mine and my husband’s responsibility. I’m changing my will to try to ring fence some money for the DC. I’m getting legal advice on this as it seems not that straightforward (I’d want DH to have lifetime use).

Lots of posts with a theme that posters don’t get on with family/don’t know nieces and nephews. Sorry for those of you that don’t have the family relationships you wanted. However those that are happy/set in not particularly getting on - I do think that’s different. I think (thought?) we did all get on!

this is part of what I’m trying to work out - maybe I’ve completely misinterpreted how close we are.

To answer what charities it is I don’t think my opinion of what I think of them is relevant.
Personally I’m not against giving to charity - it’s as I described before that I think it’s sad that my DC (or any other younger relatives) aren’t important enough to feature as well when sibling has benefitted from older relative support.

I think my sibling probably does give something small relatively regularly to charity - at least they have in the past given small donations - though I’m not aware of any large amounts.

I have something, but, it’s based on income as at the point you are diagnosed as terminal (thankfully I’m not there and hope not to be at least for a long time - I might be lucky and never be). The likelihood is I’ll start struggling with working full time and have to keep reducing hours and therefore salary. I’d already like to reduce hours but we’re not in a position for me to be able to.

I cant get any new policies out.

"If I die before my parents then anything they have when they die will go to my sibling. And so then to charity."

Your parents must be upset and anxious about your diagnosis and future. Could you not ask them in the above scenario to leave your share to your children? Surely they would want to do this if they were planning on leaving you an inheritance?

I completely agree with all the posts about talking to my parents about their will - I will do that (about anything that would go to me and to direct it to a trust for DC instead if I have already died).

I wouldn’t ever want to influence what they left me vs sibling as I don’t think that’s fair. If my parents knew that everything they give to sibling will not be passed on to family I think they’d be disappointed and it could influence them enough to change their split. I have no interest in doing that. Contrary to the ‘you’re being grabby’ posts it’s not about amount of money. It’s about feeling my DC will be looked out for by wider family. Rightly or wrongly I’d like that to be the case.

Your sister said she would take on your children if you and DH died. That is a HUGE offer and commitment for her to make. Yet you think that because she's not leaving small children all her monetary worth, she must not care about them...

I wish you the best of health OP but YABVU. Your dc are your responsibility, and I don't consider providing a house deposit for my own dc as a 'need',so I most definitely would not have this expectation for my siblings. I'd be really horrified if my sibling expected me to leave everything to their dc.
My eldest was gifted some money from a (living) relative that was intended to be used for halls at uni. He spent it very unwisely instead and it made me rethink leaving him any significant amount after I die. At least when you leave it for charity it should be regulated and used as it was intended.

Looking after them doesn't mean leaving them all of their money!

I think some posters are being quite harsh on this thread.

Given the circumstances you’ve described, OP, I can see why you feel hurt by your sibling. Obviously they’re acting within their rights, and you shouldn’t say anything to them about it. But I can understand feeling disappointed that they’re not planning to behave the way you would if the roles were reversed.

I am sorry about your illness.