It’s an inheritance one!

[BacktoBreathe]

I'm aware inheritance is quite polarising on mumsnet so I’m zipping up my thick skin in preparation.

So…. I have 1 sibling. They have and won’t have any children. I do - primary school age. My sibling and I are a similar amount of wealthy and if we were to die it’s enough to help someone in life but below inheritance tax thresholds.

Largely I expect my DC to earn their own money when they’re adults but I don’t see how they would ever buy a house without help and if I have enough I’d love to help them get on the ladder when the time comes.

My sibling has just told me that they are writing in their will to give anything they have to charity. I’m…. Sad.

On the one hand they should do whatever they want with their money. It’s their money. I have no right to ‘expect’ anything goes to my DC and certainly no power over where it goes.

But on the other I think it’s hypocritical. My sibling has, over their life, taken help from family (about half was an inheritance, they also took various help to get on their feet when starting out). Not loads of money but maybe 50 k over the years. I also took the inheritance I was given but not the additional help as I’ve always worked and expected to pay my own way. That’s fine - we make different choices in life. But this help was given to my sibling by very family oriented people and I know that their wish would be to ‘pay it forward’ to the younger generation (which in this case would be my children). Also we are both, as stands, set to inherit about £150 k each from my parents. Though that depends on care home fees.

So not to drip feed then I’m not sure I’ll live long enough to set my children up. 2 years ago I was diagnosed with cancer. It’s looking good at the moment and I’m hopeful. But my fear is that my children are left with a shit lot in life. I’d hoped that my sibling would step in if that happened but now I’m feeling like my children just aren’t that important in my siblings life.

AIBU?

YABU: money given historically is just that, ancient history, and should be spent by the receiver however they like. Family have no duty to help each other out financially. There are so many people in the world who don’t have the advantages that we do in the western world and you can affect more people’s lives through charity.

YANBU: family money is there to be passed down to the next generation. If you accept financial help from family you should expect to financially help family yourself.

@thefallen

Giving to charity is a very worthy and generous thing to do.

To some extent young children who have lost their mother to cancer could be considered as 'in need'. MN is really judgmental about this. I agree with OP as her sibling has had inheritance already.

I think you should check with your parents & explain that you are worried about the children & ask them to make sure they get anything that would go to you.

I'm not convinced that charities spend money wisely tbh so would personally keep any money in the family.

At least when you leave it for charity it should be regulated and used as it was intended.

Like the money Captain Tom raised 🤷🏻‍♀️ I don't believe all charities spend wisely.

Ok. So if you die (sorry) then least have husband about to care for kids

Sadly it's not up to your sister to provide for them

@BacktoBreathe you make much of the money your DS has received from family.
Why not suggest that she returns that money to the family members before she leaves the rest to charity if she hasn't already done so?
Would you feel differently about her money choices if you were not ill?
Because at the end of the day, as with anyone, their money, their choice

Wtf?
Executing a will isn't that diffucult unless you are chasing offshore accounts, numerous previously unknown beneficiaries to be located and several scrillion pounds of trusts/isa/etc to unwrap

This thread is a salutary lesson in why one should never discuss one's finances with others.
If the sister hadn't mentioned the content of her will, the OP would only have known once the sister was dead
By which time it would be too late to moan about the 'injustice of doing what she wanted with her own money' on MN

OP the way you’re thinking here though is as if your sibling is going to die imminently thus leaving your young children with nothing.

Ultimately your sibling could live for another 40 years. There might not even be money to inherit, she might have to go into care when older, or in fact she might just spend it. It’s her money and her prerogative what she does with it.

She may in fact marry and her money will go to her husband when she dies, or his kids if he has any. There are so many variables when someone makes a will at a relatively young age that it’s really not worth even giving it headspace.
Your children need to forge their own path in life. Nobody should be growing up expecting an inheritance, because it’s not guaranteed.

We should never assume that one day we’ll inherit money from anywhere, as adults people are responsible for their own lives, their own earning, their own attempts to get on the property ladder, and if they inherit then it’s a bonus, but no-one has the right to anyone else’s money.

i have a family member whose child has made so many comments about their parent’s will, judging how much they’re spending on themselves because they feel they’re spending their inheritance, asking for some of their inheritance early to buy a house that kind of thing. It has caused such bad feeling that the parent ultimately snapped and has told them there won’t be an inheritance because they intend to spend it all. They might not, there might be money when they’re gone. But that is only relevant when they’re gone. Having a sense of entitlement to someone else’s money is crass and grabby.

Due to health issues you need to appoint a guardian. Is the father in the picture? Ate in-laws more supportive? If no other family then speak to sibling about your concerns about guardianship. Common sense it would be then.

I am a little biased in my views as a Muslim. You can gift before death but after you die your inheritance goes to family and divided between remaining family that may include distant relatives etc.
Personally So for me what they are doing is rather nasty.

I hope they do have a long and happy life! I’m also fully aware that inheritance is never guaranteed and a variety of things might happen (care home fees etc).

However, a will made now is for that, now, and I’m just surprised that, having taken out of the family pot they wouldn’t look to repay even part of that back into the family pot.

I wonder if me talking about ‘the family pot’ makes it sound like we’re loaded. We’re not - but I massively appreciate that we don’t have to worry about paying our bills every month as I know many people do. That privilege is because we were helped to enable us to earn enough.

Nasty?
No, it isn't

However, a will made now is for that, now, and I’m just surprised that, having taken out of the family pot they wouldn’t look to repay even part of that back into the family pot.
I don't know if you read my post, but I suggested that as this was such a massive thing to you, perhaps you would feel better if that family money was paid back. Then perhaps you'd be happier that she was leaving the rest to charity

It’s about feeling my DC will be looked out for by wider family. Rightly or wrongly I’d like that to be the case.

This would be about the sister who has agreed to be the guardian of the children if necessary? Who would literally change her entire life to look after the children if required.

But who is considered to not be "looking out" for those children unless she also provides financially for them.

Perhaps the sister has made a point of raising her will because she's a little tired of her time and energy not being considered about effort for her family, unless she also bank rolls them. I wonder how much of this attitude is coming across in every day life

There isn't really any such thing as family money, unless it is in a trust.

No doubt the OP has designs on someone elses money because they envisage it will be used "correctly" in the way they deem appropriate.

The reality is once someone has control of money they can do what they want with it. There is no guarantee their kids will use it for purposes deemed "worthy" such as funding education or housing or furthering the "family interest". They might choose to blow the whole lot on booze, gambling and fast cars or fund a worldwide criminal empire instead.

You're saying the help was likely given to the sibling with the intention of paying it forward, but giving to charity is very much paying it forward.
I'm very sorry to hear about your situation and your fears for your DC, that must be truly awful to be dealing with, but it sounds like the best thing to do is have a conversation with your parents and sibling and work on setting up the practical/financial side of things.
I think you should also try as much as possible to separate the issue of closeness from financial support, it sounds like this is upsetting you which is very valid but may be a misread of the situation.
I have an uncle and aunt who would have been brilliant guardians if needed but life didn't take that turn and although they care about me a lot, I know they've left everything in their will to charity. In their case, they're childfree but have taken on a parental-like role for several non-family members at different times, due to their professions, which I'm sure makes it harder to choose just one or a few beneficiaries.

I can’t find the comment but someone said something about giving back to family vs giving back to wider society and isn't having a more holistic view of giving back to wider society where it’s needed most better.
I think this is a good point.

My childless Uncle has told me he plans to leave all the children in the family some money to help them get on the ladder. Which is awfully kind and unexpected. He is married but they are both wealthy and she plans to leave her wealth to her family.

Cross posted with toomanyemails.
Yes, I think that’s a helpful way of looking at it.

You can have no doubt on whatever you like, doesn’t make it true.

I read all posts - Thankyou - just unable to reply to them.

I can’t be expressing it very well but that is exactly my point.

It's really noble of you not to want to effect what your parents leave to your sibling even though you know they might be disappointed with your DS's plans, you seem like a lovely person in a horrid position and I'm so sorry you are ill.

But how isn't it true?

You have literally posted that you think the money should go to your children because that's the more correct/worthy/traditional/appropriate use of it than it being given to charity

By wanting your sister to leave her money where you think she should rather than where she thinks she should this does actually make that posters comments true

OP, this 'family pot' that you keep on about... you've had money out of it too. You were allowed to do what you wanted with it, free and clear. Did you use that money for anybody else in the family, other than your own? I suspect you didn't.

You have your eyes on what your sister had, when you were given the same thing. If you have this attitude in reality then it will be truly obvious. It's not about fostering close relationships with your sister because it's blighted by this stupid 'family pot' argument. Just stop it.

Honestly, if you want a close relationship with your sister (who has already promised to look after your children should you die) then make one. That's on you, and you'll need to stop focusing on money, it's really obvious. I wonder if your sister has cottoned on to this hence her decision as, to any reasonable person, they would consider the matter closed... but not you. You are completely fixated.

Oh pack it in.

If my sister had cancer and two kids and I had no dependents there's no way my will wouldn't have the children as beneficiaries.

This talk of the family pot is just a load of bollocks. Fact is there is no family pot.

Once the money has been given to someone it’s theirs to do with as they please. Presumably it wasn’t given as a loan? In which case how the sister spends it and who she leaves it to is absolutely nobody else’s business but her’s.

Personally I think nobody has any business discussing anyone else’s will. No good ever comes of it.

Each individual has the chance to make a will for their assets, belongings, & wishes to be carried out after they have departed

If there is no will, there are Government rules

You have no power over any other person