DP wants more money

[Itsnotbeeneasy]

Trying to keep this as concise without losing the detail or drip feeding!!

4 kids in total - blended family. 2 each. I moved into DPs house 2.5 years ago

When I moved in I asked how much he would want in contribution each month - he was unsure so I asked for vague bill amounts (utilities and mortgage) each month and then added extra for me and my 2 kids being here, halved the total and that’s what I pay. This was half to mortgage and all utilities/bills. He was v.happy with the initial figure

Obvs as we all know bills have increased since so I have increased my payment each month slightly without him asking. Then - he let slip that I was paying more than he was per month. Bear in mind I’m paying half his mortgage.

DP is now asking for a higher contribution again but is flatly refusing to let me see bills for utilities to work out the fair figures stating that if I have any record of these then I would have a claim to his property - which as said is in his name - and instead wants me to pluck a figure out of the air that I would ‘be happy with’

I will add I own nothing - I’ve only just got myself out of debt, no property etc. If we split I’d be homeless and renting - no savings. He has told me time and time again that he has £150k+ of equity in his property and keeps throwing in that he could buy a small property and be mortgage free

I think this conversation is a knee jerk reaction to this months salary I revived which has been a lot higher than ‘normal’ - and I quote he said ‘if I was paid that salary I wouldn’t have any issues’ - I have just received £4.5k after tax this month - a lot higher than usual as I’m on commission. I earn between £2.5k-4k usually after tax each month and until now had been paying off debts - finally clear now (mortgage shortfall on my house and debts my ex husband put in my name - it’s been really shit)

Its all felt very grabby tonight - I told him when I moved in that I wanted to save enough to buy a rental property so my kids have an asset it at least have a decent savings account - at the point I can do that he is now asking for more money.

Please help. I dont want to use gaslit as a throwaway phrase but I need some opinions

@sparkellie that's good. Sorry for your loss.

Is marriage on the cards because in this blended families' scenario, safeguarding individual assets (on either side) makes sense. I assume that the amount of "rent" that you pay your DP is beneficial to you i.e significantly lower than you would otherwise pay since the growing resentment you have does not bode well for the future of your relationship. This highlights your need to discuss where your relationship is going especially if it's going to be heading towards joint finances or not.

Stop paying his mortgage for a start. Save up for a deposit and move out.

I would want to see the utility bills. I'd pay half of those and a 1/4 of the mortgage as 'rent'

Please move on. Even if you move out and cut financial ties, this is him.. he's not going to change.

I didn't have much when I married dh but he put my name of the deeds of our new home without me asking and looked after my dcs. He didn't have to and I wasn't expecting it.. he loved me and wanted to.

Far better to be on your own as soon as you're able to.

Sounds like youve walked straight into the same kind of relationship that you left. He allowed you to go into debt with empty promises.

i would reduce my monthly payment to what was originally agreed. As he wants you to use the original figures.

pay for nothing extra.

leave with your sofa.

was going to say the same

Thanks everyone! I haven’t had chance to read every reply but the consensus seems very much is the same!

Ive made my position very clear to him - that I won’t be contributing any additional money to him, unless he can demonstrate this firmly by showing me the bills, and it is for him to manage his own finances more effectively, not for me to top this up. And yes - I have also made this crystal clear

I will add that our utilities did get into debt because despite me paying my ‘half’ into them (I basically doubled the figure he had been paying previously), he didn’t increase the DD. And actually I refused to pay any additional amount when this occurred to clear it since I’d already paid it once…. So his contribution has increased for this, not mine.

I do earn decent money and I am actively trying to build up savings. The sofa thankfully I managed to get rid of so I don’t have that debt and we do have one now that is paid off and was around a 10th of that price!!

As for marriage - won’t be for a long time if ever so yes, I will be ensuring that financially I am secured. I do stand to inherit well from family - enough to buy a house outright - but as these things go I am aware to never rely on this as anything can happen from now to then.

But thanks everyone! I do appreciate your responses.

Reading your update, what comes over is that you are plastering over the cracks.

The consensus was you leave this relationship.
You've not engaged with that at all.

This man drinks too much.
He's lied to you (by omission) about the bills and never showing you what is really going on.

You are in a very precarious position.
You have no rights at all to remain in his house.
If this relationship ends, you will have lost £thousands by paying towards the bills.
(And bills for 6 people will be more than 3 -you and your 2 kids.)

Relying on an inheritance is pie in the sky as you know. Your family might need long term care in care home.

Honestly, you really don't seem to be engaging with this man's faults.
You're setting the bar very low.
Bringing your kids up in a house where the man drinks too much and can't handle money very well would be a non-starter for me.

Are you really that desperate to be in a relationship? Any relationship?

It comes over as if you've moved from a financially abusive marriage into a replica of that - but without the marriage.

I think you should not be with a man prepared to treat you and your bank account this way. He’s appalling.

I don't think you are taking peoples advice on board - why wouldn't you talk to a solicitor about your legal or financial situation? How long are you prepared to coast along like this?

Please look at The Freedom Program.

https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

Sorry, OP, I have to agree with what previous posters have said. This man could demand you and your kids leave - you have no security of tenure - and to add insult to injury he's treated you like a cash cow! I couldn't forgive anyone who did this, what feelings can he have for you that he'd behave like this?

Agree with and @@TheInebriati and @DriftingDora

You still have NO security, and he's still leeching off you.

Your children are being raised in a household where the man drinks too much (do they witness that?)

Where he's not in control of his spending (is it going on drink?)
Creates debts because he can't get his read around the DD on his outgoings.
Lies
Manipulates

And where their mother appears to bend over backwards to go along with all of this, rather than being on her own.

What kind of role model are these children having?

Sadly, abuse repeats itself and I pity any daughter being brought up in a home like this, or a son who has this man as his role model.

They've already had their home life disrupted by the divorce.

WOOOAH. The red flag, the GIANT red flag, is refusing to show you the bill amounts. WTAF. By the way, since you have been paying his mortgage, you have a claim on his property anyway now. This behaviour from him is ultra suspicious.

Pay the extra on the food and bills that you and your kids use and have done. If he was to leave you tomorrow, he would be paying that house and bills number anyway. Since you have split finances, you should be saving like hell to ensure you can buy that rental property and secure your kids future. So far he is benefitting hugely from this arrangement. End it now (the arrangement, not the relationship, though you do need to assess whether he's been using you financially).

I'm afraid not! He wants access to your money without give access to the finances that's not how life works unfortunately.. put your money in your savings for you and your kids.. he's already said your paying more than him sonic think that's enough.. selfish git

Betcha my last Rolo you have been paying the majority of the utility bills. Which is why he can't show you.

I've never jump d to this conclusion on any of these posts. But you need to walk away now. I would hazard a guess he's either in debt or his alcohol use is far worse than what you realise. You are going to end up with nothing.

OP he’s using you to cover him financially sorry to be harsh but the comment he made about you having a claim to the house is a massive red flag if I was you I would seriously start looking at getting out of that house and relationship

Open this and watch more trending videos. https://vm.tiktok.com/ZGeALeef6/

She has a few on this subject.. take him for what you've put in. Cheeky g1t.

You are being financially abused.
I do hope that you are keeping notes of domestic jobs undertaken in the home and gratuity in the private rooms 😄😄😄😄😄
Please do not give ANY EXTRA money - instead please spend that money on counselling as to why you would allow another person so much control over you.
* Also since this is a business arrangement, please keep a log of ALL MONIES changed hands* obviously seg diesnt count- thats LOVINGLY GIVEN BY YOU - you fool.

Excellent post from @LetusandLoveit . Please read it OP.

The reason he won't show you is because you're paying the majority and he doesn't want you to know. He just wants the extra money.

But going off your last reply, you may as well just had over your pay to him each month and get it over and done with now 🤷

By the way, since you have been paying his mortgage, you have a claim on his property anyway now.

@Lotus3 <sighs> How many times? It's been mentioned right throughout this thread.

Paying your boyfriend money that he uses towards his mortgage does not mean you have a claim on the property.

The only 'claim' she could have is if she was a co-owner, with a legal agreement in the form of a joint mortgage.

So many women seem to have a false idea of what they can claim and belong to the false 'common law wife' school of thinking (which actually means women living with men get nothing if split up and they are not married).

I have a different view to the majority of respondents.

We don't know how much % of the property is mortgaged. I'm going to assume it's worth £300k, so the mortgage is for 50% of the total value.

He is contributing 50% of the cost of the house by not taking his equity out. If he's also paying half the mortgage then it;s not an equal contribution to housing costs.

You should also consider how much the mortgage is compared to the rental value of the house. It might well be less. It would not be unreasonable for you to pay him 50% of the rental value of the property.

How much would you pay elsewhere in rent if you move out?

I think it would be sebsible for you to buy a property to rent out, if only to give you some security, but if the roles were reversed and you owned the house you'd be inundated with posters urging you not to give him a chance of making a claim against the equity, and calling him a cock lodger for not paying half of the bills.