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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP wants more money

464 replies

Itsnotbeeneasy · 18/02/2024 01:01

Trying to keep this as concise without losing the detail or drip feeding!!

4 kids in total - blended family. 2 each. I moved into DPs house 2.5 years ago

When I moved in I asked how much he would want in contribution each month - he was unsure so I asked for vague bill amounts (utilities and mortgage) each month and then added extra for me and my 2 kids being here, halved the total and that’s what I pay. This was half to mortgage and all utilities/bills. He was v.happy with the initial figure

Obvs as we all know bills have increased since so I have increased my payment each month slightly without him asking. Then - he let slip that I was paying more than he was per month. Bear in mind I’m paying half his mortgage.

DP is now asking for a higher contribution again but is flatly refusing to let me see bills for utilities to work out the fair figures stating that if I have any record of these then I would have a claim to his property - which as said is in his name - and instead wants me to pluck a figure out of the air that I would ‘be happy with’

I will add I own nothing - I’ve only just got myself out of debt, no property etc. If we split I’d be homeless and renting - no savings. He has told me time and time again that he has £150k+ of equity in his property and keeps throwing in that he could buy a small property and be mortgage free

I think this conversation is a knee jerk reaction to this months salary I revived which has been a lot higher than ‘normal’ - and I quote he said ‘if I was paid that salary I wouldn’t have any issues’ - I have just received £4.5k after tax this month - a lot higher than usual as I’m on commission. I earn between £2.5k-4k usually after tax each month and until now had been paying off debts - finally clear now (mortgage shortfall on my house and debts my ex husband put in my name - it’s been really shit)

Its all felt very grabby tonight - I told him when I moved in that I wanted to save enough to buy a rental property so my kids have an asset it at least have a decent savings account - at the point I can do that he is now asking for more money.

Please help. I dont want to use gaslit as a throwaway phrase but I need some opinions

OP posts:
Noodles1234 · 19/02/2024 15:31

This feels a concern to me, if you have no claim then I feel you should be paying less than 50/50, more a mortgage gesture and half on food, council tax, water and heating.

he has it so good, you’re paying over half his bills and giving him a good life, cheek of him to want more..

I would be getting my ducks in a row so to speak and purchasing something pronto as possible. You earn a good wage, sound a decent person and need your own asset and independence for your own good.

drop your amounts and explain clearly why,

amiold · 19/02/2024 15:36

You pay half of bills and nothing towards mortgage.

sparkellie · 19/02/2024 15:38

LetusandLoveit · 19/02/2024 10:25

Reading your update, what comes over is that you are plastering over the cracks.

The consensus was you leave this relationship.
You've not engaged with that at all.

This man drinks too much.
He's lied to you (by omission) about the bills and never showing you what is really going on.

You are in a very precarious position.
You have no rights at all to remain in his house.
If this relationship ends, you will have lost £thousands by paying towards the bills.
(And bills for 6 people will be more than 3 -you and your 2 kids.)

Relying on an inheritance is pie in the sky as you know. Your family might need long term care in care home.

Honestly, you really don't seem to be engaging with this man's faults.
You're setting the bar very low.
Bringing your kids up in a house where the man drinks too much and can't handle money very well would be a non-starter for me.

Are you really that desperate to be in a relationship? Any relationship?

It comes over as if you've moved from a financially abusive marriage into a replica of that - but without the marriage.

Show quote history

The consensus on these threads is always LTB. If OP has genuinely put her foot down about the money and won't pay until he shows her current bills etc, and wants to see what happens, that is up to her.
There are a lot of people suggesting moving into rentals and saving, but I'm pretty sure most of them wouldn't do that. It's unpredictable, expensive, and insecure. She has a home that is for the moment probably a lot cheaper and more stable than renting, which would allow her to build a deposit far quicker. If he ends the relationship because she has put her foot down she won't be any worse off than if she leaves.
People tend to take an idea and run with it, nowhere has she said that the children see her partner drinking, or anything about the rest of the relationship. He may have issues with money that are understandable if you know the whole picture, but we don't.
OP has said she is taking the steps to protect herself, her income and her children's future, and that is what the post was about.
For the record, I don't think I could separate his behaviour regarding bills from everything else, but if she can (and she knows him better than anyone else here), that's her call.

LetusandLoveit · 19/02/2024 15:42

We don't know how much % of the property is mortgaged. I'm going to assume it's worth £300k, so the mortgage is for 50% of the total value.

@Collaborate Why assume that figure?

The OP has lived there for 2.5 years.
He's hidden the true costs only alluding to £150K in savings, saying he could pay off the mortgage (errr....why doesn't he rather than paying interest?)

The relationship is terrible.
He's not open, he drinks too much and he's doing this in full sight (we assume) of her children (no idea of their ages.)

Why would any mother want their children exposed to a man like this?

NoOrdinaryMorning · 19/02/2024 15:43

The reason he won't show you is because you're paying the majority and he doesn't want you to know. He just wants the extra money.

THIS!!!!!!

NoOrdinaryMorning · 19/02/2024 15:44

LetusandLoveit · 19/02/2024 15:42

We don't know how much % of the property is mortgaged. I'm going to assume it's worth £300k, so the mortgage is for 50% of the total value.

@Collaborate Why assume that figure?

The OP has lived there for 2.5 years.
He's hidden the true costs only alluding to £150K in savings, saying he could pay off the mortgage (errr....why doesn't he rather than paying interest?)

The relationship is terrible.
He's not open, he drinks too much and he's doing this in full sight (we assume) of her children (no idea of their ages.)

Why would any mother want their children exposed to a man like this?

No, he said he had £150k in EQUITY in the property. That is not savings

LetusandLoveit · 19/02/2024 15:47

@sparkellie I see what you're getting at (as you quoted my post.)

However, yours is full of assumptions too.

IF she had said she was playing the long game, saving and getting ready to leave, that's understandable. Some women in abusive relationships do this- play all sweet and nice, while getting their ducks in a row.

She's not said this. She seems to think his behaviour is fine and even explains why the direct debits for bills was 'understandable'.

If she IS saving for a deposit, is their relationship over? Is she playing a game?

As a tenant, she would have some security (it can take 2 years to evict someone and the backlog at the courts is very very long if landlords pursue it that way.)

At the moment, he could change the locks and she's be out- homeless.

LetusandLoveit · 19/02/2024 15:49

He has told me time and time again that he has £150k+ of equity in his property and keeps throwing in that he could buy a small property and be mortgage free

Okay.

So why does he keep saying he could sell up and buy something outright?

What's behind that?

It sounds like a threat- pay up or I will sell and there will be no room for you and your kids.

sparkellie · 19/02/2024 16:01

LetusandLoveit · 19/02/2024 15:47

@sparkellie I see what you're getting at (as you quoted my post.)

However, yours is full of assumptions too.

IF she had said she was playing the long game, saving and getting ready to leave, that's understandable. Some women in abusive relationships do this- play all sweet and nice, while getting their ducks in a row.

She's not said this. She seems to think his behaviour is fine and even explains why the direct debits for bills was 'understandable'.

If she IS saving for a deposit, is their relationship over? Is she playing a game?

As a tenant, she would have some security (it can take 2 years to evict someone and the backlog at the courts is very very long if landlords pursue it that way.)

At the moment, he could change the locks and she's be out- homeless.

She doesn't have to tell us this. It is up to her. She didn't ask if she should leave him, though I'm sure she knew that people would say that. She asked for opinions on him asking for more money. Maybe she wants to see how he responds when she says no before making a decision? I'm not making assumptions that she's doing any of these things, I'm saying she could be. Whether she is or not is really none of our business. She doesn't have to let her whole relationship play out on mn because she asked for opinions on something!
Have you been a tenant recently? Lettings here are few and far between. They are expensive (more so than a mortgage). Who says she would be able get one easily. Literally 0 places have been available to rent in my local village in the last couple of months. When you take into account that landlords have their pick when they do come up (and will therefore choose high income/couples/childless/petless households all over a single parent), there are no easy choices.
If he kicked her out with her kids (unlikely given the chances are it would leave him worse off - and money seems to be of high importance to him) the council would house her. It's not ideal, obviously, but neither is opting into private renting especially in the current climate, and whilst trying to save money.

LetusandLoveit · 19/02/2024 16:11

@sparkellie This is what she said.

I need time to increase my own ‘assets’. I’m fuming. Woman on fire.

I will also add DP drinks more than I would desire which is where much of his financial issue comes from. But right now - please help that this is not me

For anyone who has any knowledge of this - DP is emergency services and has said if he dies tomorrow I would have control of everything. He has no Will to state this. I’m so sick of feeling like I’m being gaslit

Can anyone legally tell me where I stand? With it being that I’m paying half the mortgage. Only evidence I have is a spreadsheet I created 2.5 years ago with the mortgage figure on it

If she didn't mean it to sound as if she was saving to leave, then she's written a very confusing post.

It's not clear if she's saving to buy a property as an inheritance for her children, or for herself now.

Why would anyone want to be with a drinker who can't control that habit or the impact it has on their life?

AND raise your children with a step parent who is doing this?

LetusandLoveit · 19/02/2024 16:13

@sparkellie Have you been a tenant recently?

I have family members who rent.

I don't have to be doing something myself to know what goes on in the world.

sparkellie · 19/02/2024 16:25

LetusandLoveit · 19/02/2024 16:11

@sparkellie This is what she said.

I need time to increase my own ‘assets’. I’m fuming. Woman on fire.

I will also add DP drinks more than I would desire which is where much of his financial issue comes from. But right now - please help that this is not me

For anyone who has any knowledge of this - DP is emergency services and has said if he dies tomorrow I would have control of everything. He has no Will to state this. I’m so sick of feeling like I’m being gaslit

Can anyone legally tell me where I stand? With it being that I’m paying half the mortgage. Only evidence I have is a spreadsheet I created 2.5 years ago with the mortgage figure on it

If she didn't mean it to sound as if she was saving to leave, then she's written a very confusing post.

It's not clear if she's saving to buy a property as an inheritance for her children, or for herself now.

Why would anyone want to be with a drinker who can't control that habit or the impact it has on their life?

AND raise your children with a step parent who is doing this?

I read it that she wants to have investment for her children's future. But equally having that would give her more security and freedom if she did choose to leave.
ETA she said he drinks more than she would like, but didn't say how much that was. There are plenty of relationships I wouldn't choose to be in, but that doesn't mean nobody else should be in them. I'm not saying this is a great relationship. The way he has acted would be a deal breaker for me. But so would cheating, and plenty of people continue a relationship after finding out about that. It's not our place to judge her for not choosing to leave, or for not being vocal about ot if she does choose to do so.

sparkellie · 19/02/2024 16:28

LetusandLoveit · 19/02/2024 16:13

@sparkellie Have you been a tenant recently?

I have family members who rent.

I don't have to be doing something myself to know what goes on in the world.

I am a tenant, and have been for the past 20 years, so I do have some experience in it. It's not something I would suggest anyone went into lightly. Without a significant sum of money behind you it can be a very hard cycle to get out if. I definitely wouldn't judge someone for trying to avoid it.

Snowbear32 · 19/02/2024 16:36

I've got no idea why you started paying half of his mortgage when you have no legal claim to the house. That was idiotic. But what's done is done. I wouldn't pay him a penny more until you have got yourself more financially secure and are not paying into an asset which you have no claim to.

Treat the money you have already paid him for the mortgage as payment in advance for your half of the bills/utilities, and don't pay him anything else until what you have already paid no longer covers your share of the utilities.

Lampslights · 19/02/2024 16:52

Snowbear32 · 19/02/2024 16:36

I've got no idea why you started paying half of his mortgage when you have no legal claim to the house. That was idiotic. But what's done is done. I wouldn't pay him a penny more until you have got yourself more financially secure and are not paying into an asset which you have no claim to.

Treat the money you have already paid him for the mortgage as payment in advance for your half of the bills/utilities, and don't pay him anything else until what you have already paid no longer covers your share of the utilities.

I just don’t get this view, you think she should be able to live rent free?

VimtoEverywhere · 19/02/2024 17:03

Lampslights · 19/02/2024 16:52

I just don’t get this view, you think she should be able to live rent free?

Show quote history

You think he should profit financially from his partner?

MiltonNorthern · 19/02/2024 17:31

Lampslights · 19/02/2024 16:52

I just don’t get this view, you think she should be able to live rent free?

Show quote history

Yes!
rent is something you pay to a landlord. Not a partner. He should not be profiting from his partner. It's unearned money! It's literally lining his pocket, not sharing the costs of the household. If they were fully sharing the costs of the household and she pays half the mortgage then she should have a share of the equity if they split.

LetusandLoveit · 19/02/2024 17:31

I just don’t get this view, you think she should be able to live rent free?

In a relationship do couples work on the basis of one paying the other 'rent'?

He's not paying rent. He's buying his house.
IF he was renting and splitting it 50-50, that may be fair.
But it's not fair at all that she is helping him pay off his mortgage (or contributing to an investment he's taken out on his own) and will see nothing for it herself, if they split up.

LetusandLoveit · 19/02/2024 17:31

Exactly as@MiltonNorthern says.

LalaPaloosa · 19/02/2024 17:59

Rainbowqueeen · 18/02/2024 01:06

He’s not treating you like a partner is he? And he’s completely wrong that you knowing how much his bills were would give you a claim on his assets.

You have kids. You need to put them first. It’s time to move out. Focus on putting yourself and your kids in a stable environment.

He has not been honest with you so I would have no issue with saying whatever you need to as a stalling tactic while you get yourself sorted and leave safely.

Completely agree with this. I’d start squirrelling money away secretly and save for a deposit on your own place. Don’t tell him you are saving. You could also ask your employer to pay part of your salary into another secret account, or make larger pension contributions for a few months and show him your much reduced salary.

He is taking advantage of you. Let him rent half his space to a lodger and see how that goes for him. I’m sure you also cook and clean and do all sorts around the house that makes his life easier.

Say what you need to so you have time to sort yourself out. Then you will have option to leave. He shouldn’t see you as a resource or take advantage of you.

Mischance · 19/02/2024 18:09

You are basically a lodger with benefits.

I realise it will be hard for your children to be part of another relationship break-up, but do you really want to go on living in this situation?

AcrossthePond55 · 19/02/2024 18:15

@Itsnotbeeneasy

Why are you contemplating staying with this man? He offers you no security, no financial transparency, and has shown that he has no problems with trying to take financial advantage of you. Personally, I'd be gone. As someone upthread said, you're simply papering over the cracks of a very shaky relationship. You're better off on your own, where you can (if you wish) find someone who will treat you with above the board honesty.

I agree with you on never depending on an inheritance. BUT in the potential expectation of one, FGS do NOT marry this man!!! That money (to my understanding) would be community asset and he'll have that off of you in one way or another before you can say 'Where the fuck did my money go?'. If a loved one wants to provide for you after their death, it's because they want YOU to be taken care of.

Scarfitwere · 19/02/2024 18:17

Itsnotbeeneasy · 18/02/2024 01:21

I need time to increase my own ‘assets’. I’m fuming. Woman on fire.

I will also add DP drinks more than I would desire which is where much of his financial issue comes from. But right now - please help that this is not me

For anyone who has any knowledge of this - DP is emergency services and has said if he dies tomorrow I would have control of everything. He has no Will to state this. I’m so sick of feeling like I’m being gaslit

Can anyone legally tell me where I stand? With it being that I’m paying half the mortgage. Only evidence I have is a spreadsheet I created 2.5 years ago with the mortgage figure on it

Edited

If he has no will it goes to his children assuming he has no ex he is still married too. You wouldn't get anything. Not without a will.
Re contributions to the house you would need to claim a constructive trust but there would have to be discussions and a clear intention that the house was intended to be a joint asset. Otherwise you're just paying rent.

Talkinrubbishagain · 19/02/2024 18:22

Keep a list of what you contribute and particularly what you buy.
He sounds a user to me.

cherish123 · 19/02/2024 18:22

Do you have a contract? I would feel annoyed that he won't show you the bills. However, it's up to him how much he charges in rent. Your not obliged to stay there. Do you have your own house? Where did you live before you moved in? It doesn't seem a very secure situation for you or your children.

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