To be upset about Ex’s new partner bathing our child?

[IcyCat]

Bit of relevant background: ExH and I have been separated for 18 months, hopefully soon to be divorced. We have 3 children (7, 9 & 11) and we get along/co-parent fairly well most of the time. I am the resident parent, our children stay over at his 1-2 nights per week depending on his schedule.

He's been with his new partner for about a year and they’ve recently moved in together. I’ve not met her, but the children like her a lot, so I’ve no problem with her generally. She has children of her own who live with them full time, they don’t see their father due to previous abuse (according to ExH).

Tonight I started running a bath, and DD (7) told me she didn’t need a bath, because she’d already had one with ”partner’s name” before I picked her up (at tea time).
So I said “Oh ok, daddy didn’t tell me you had a bath today.” And then she said daddy didn’t know because he was out at football practice with DS (which was 2pm ish so middle of the day?), and ”partner” gave her a bath, she helped her wash her hair and dried her off, dried her hair etc when she got out.

I feel a bit weird about this. Firstly I don’t think it’s at all appropriate for this woman to be bathing my young child, it’s her dad’s responsibility. Secondly, why do it while he’s out, and to put her in the bath in the middle of the day is odd anyway? I did ask DD if she had been doing some kind of messy play to need a bath but she said no.

I don’t want to accuse this woman of anything because as far as I can tell from the conversation with DD, nothing else happened besides the bath. DD wasn’t upset and told me conversationally, but I’m not comfortable with it at all and wouldn’t want it to happen again.

I know ExH will likely say I’m overreacting so I thought I’d ask mumsnet before I raise it with him, I’m sure I can rely on honest opinions here!

So AIBU to be upset by this?

To me it looks like the father was wanting his daughter to be clean for going back to her mums but couldn't do it himself as he was out with his son. Maybe they just both wanted to make sure she didn't go home dirty.

Don't be that bitter woman who goes out her way to make things as difficult as possible.

More legal wording, all nonsense. The long and short of it is...if you're a person who thinks it's ok to randomly bath other people's kids especially in the middle of the day with nobody else around then you're a peculiar person who should not be trusted to look after vulnerable people. End of! No court in the land would stop me from keeping my child out of this situation.

Did you read my post at all? In what way am I bitter 😂

I’ve literally said in the op I have no problem with the girlfriend in general, as well as that I’m hoping to soon be divorced. I left him, and for good reason, so I don’t know why some of you seem so keen to paint me as some bitter shrew who hates the new girlfriend?

@Millie890 I understand that you feel strongly about this issue but if a court orders you to hand your child over and you continuously say no, you could risk losing residency of your child. It would also be very traumatic for the child to go through a court case over this.

Thank you for the replies.

Seems like opinions are split on this but leaning more towards unreasonable, which is fair enough, I asked for honest opinions and I’ve gotten them!

A few people have given me some insight into how the situation might seem from her perspective which was helpful, and I appreciate those who have reassured me that I’m not being hysterical for being uncomfortable with this situation.

I have had another discussion with DD about consent, privacy and boundaries, and reinforced the idea that her private parts are exactly that. I’ve also reminded her that it’s ok to speak up if she is uncomfortable, and that she can talk to me about anything, anytime.

Ultimately I have decided to bring this up with ex, just basically to say that I would prefer that DD not bathe right before pick up as there is no need, and to point out to him that DD is able to wash/dry herself, and in the future should be afforded privacy to do so. If DD needs help brushing or braiding her hair etc girlfriend can help her with that after she’s dressed.

I'm late to this thread but didn't want to read and run.

Always trust your instincts OP, they're there for a reason. Even if nothing untoward did happen, the digit you described is not acceptable and given the circumstances it's overstepping boundaries at the very least. I have to say, the whole set up sounds uncomfortable to me, your DD is staying overnight with two teenage boys who have witnessed or been victims of domestic violence / abuse and their mother who you've never met and your ExH hasn't known for long.

Families are complicated, especially blended ones but there's no way that my children would spend the night at someone's house unless I'd met them first. If your ExH won't agree then I'd tell him he loses rights to overnight stays.

*Situation, not digit!

If you’re happy with her living in the same house with & caring for your kids, why would you have an issue with her bathing them?

I would have been deeply insulted if my DSD’s DM was happy for me to care for, be responsible for, pay for & love my DSD’s, but said I couldn’t bath them as this was untoward. It is just another part of the day.

@ClaudiasWinkleMan change bed tone routine as in bath time doesn't need to be just before bed....

She's had her bath, so no need for another 🤷‍♀️

I don't know, I still don't let my daughter bath completely on her own at 7....I'd always make sure I was upstairs and popping my head in from time to time just incase she slipped and fell/knocked her head. Maybe I'm being a bit OTT. She's still happy with her dad supervising bath time and washing her hair, maybe body changes can start happening at 7 but often that's not until 9/10....

I wonder if it's possible that, as she has two sons, she wanted to have the experience of bathing a girl. Not in a pervy way, but in the way that I loved buying girls' baby clothes for a niece when I had only previously bought for my 2 sons - a bit of a novelty. Just overstepping the mark big time. I would never bathed my niece in the middle of the afternoon on my own, I hasten to add!

I would definitely insist that I you this person before your daughter goes there again. What an earth is he hiding?

meet this person

Don't be ridiculous.

I wouldn't be bothered if I'm honest. It's not some random woman, it's her dad's partner that has been in her life for over a year.

She might have just wanted your child to go home clean as they didn't have time for a bath the next night before.

This is my thought too… it may be that as she is used to boys, bathing them in the middle of the day as they tend to be more mucky etc, might be the norm she is used to for children of your daughter’s age.

You definitely need to push to meet her though, especially if your daughter is going to be staying in her house. I would sidestep the ex and make it happen - my children’s welfare is more important than his feelings (or lies!)

Maybe they had a bit of a "spa" session because Dad was at football? My DC love a bath and any excuse for having one at any time of day especially in a nice bathroom! I think washing a 7 year old depends on the child but washing and drying hair is pretty normal at that age.

If a child told me someone had given them a bath, I'd assume they'd put the water and bubbles in and maybe kept an ear out.

You mention later OP that she was washing your child (not just hair).

If it was the latter then that is a bit weird - also using what? Soap? A flannel?

Have you clarified with your DD what the actual facts are?

No, I have daughter same age. Not in same situation but this wouldn’t sit well with me. I have raised my DD to understand no touches you there or makes silly comments or talks silly about that area and if she’s ever uncomfortable then needs to tell me straight away no matter how big or small. She often comes home saying she’s knocked herself on a chair or corner of table because it’s at the same height as her area. I praise her every time. Boundary's need to be set so going forward any personal issues dad should be dealing with. You Never know. Trust your gut, even if you briefly comment it’s not in your routine to bath during the day as it gets her sleepy for bedtime… anything but comment on it now. Also comment to your daughter that your routine is to have dinner bath bed ect. Let’s not bath during the day as you’ll get germs again before bed. Remember no one should be touching or washing you other than mummy and daddy. If it was a male we would all be calling the police. Am I right?

Sorry - I meant talk to her. Why are you waiting for your ex to facilitate a meeting? For all you know she’s been asking to meet you too! Do you not know where they live? Just go and knock on the door! Doesn’t have to be confrontational - take a packet of biscuits, invite her out for a cup of tea. Your kids spend time there, and he should have sorted this but he is clearly about as useful as a chocolate teapot, so don’t let him set the rules of engagement - take control.

PS You don’t ’get on well’ with you ex. What you do is maintain civility by allowing him to maintain control. Him saying things like “you have to trust his judgement” etc as a way of keeping you and his gf apart isn’t indicative of the kind of positive relationship that ‘getting on well’ would suggest.

Clearly you’re well rid of him, just hope the gf hasn’t jumped from the frying pan into the fire. (Also if ‘he thinks with his c**c’ is part of the reason you split up, then he is probably worried you’ll tell his gf he’s a cheater and thus ruin his ability to fool her into thinking he is God’s gift).

It’s great you’re supportive of her relationship with your kids in general. But you’re giving him way too much credit going along with how he wants to run things…

You just don’t know here. She may have been trying to be helpful by sending your kids back to you clean, fed etc. She very well could have had the best intentions, you just don’t know.
You’re the adult here. Just take the time to meet and get to know this woman as things like this are going to come up and need addressing. They live together now and it sounds like she’s here to stay so there is nothing to be lost and everything to be gained by nurturing some kind of “friendship” with her.
Once you know each other when things like this come up again that make you uncomfortable you can just have a conversation with her without it being awkward.
All kinds of things could come up in the future, such as DD starting her periods when there and needing to have sanitary products bought or being too embarrassed to talk to her dad.
Try to get closer to this woman for your kids’ sake, and if anything is amiss you will know sooner and can deal with it. And if nothing is amiss and wires have just been crossed then DCs see their parents and step-parents behaving respectfully and being good role models.

Wouldn't bother me at all at 7 years old and can easily communicate, and when they'd been together a year. I think you're overreacting. I'd be happy that step mother wanted my child to be bathed and clean ready to come home.

I think your message is good, focusing on the routine, her privacy, and the fact that at 7 you probably want to teach her more independence. If your ex comes back with a good reason for it, then you can always discuss a change in routine.

The fact is that bath isn't necessary in the middle of the afternoon, and it's an odd thing to do with someone else child. But people have different ways of doing things and she might have had a valid reason at the time (e.g. I occasionally give bath to my toddler in the afternoon to relax them or for fun, and I take bath myself at random times of the day).

No they absolutely wouldn't side with the father! I speak from experience