To be upset about Ex’s new partner bathing our child?

[IcyCat]

Bit of relevant background: ExH and I have been separated for 18 months, hopefully soon to be divorced. We have 3 children (7, 9 & 11) and we get along/co-parent fairly well most of the time. I am the resident parent, our children stay over at his 1-2 nights per week depending on his schedule.

He's been with his new partner for about a year and they’ve recently moved in together. I’ve not met her, but the children like her a lot, so I’ve no problem with her generally. She has children of her own who live with them full time, they don’t see their father due to previous abuse (according to ExH).

Tonight I started running a bath, and DD (7) told me she didn’t need a bath, because she’d already had one with ”partner’s name” before I picked her up (at tea time).
So I said “Oh ok, daddy didn’t tell me you had a bath today.” And then she said daddy didn’t know because he was out at football practice with DS (which was 2pm ish so middle of the day?), and ”partner” gave her a bath, she helped her wash her hair and dried her off, dried her hair etc when she got out.

I feel a bit weird about this. Firstly I don’t think it’s at all appropriate for this woman to be bathing my young child, it’s her dad’s responsibility. Secondly, why do it while he’s out, and to put her in the bath in the middle of the day is odd anyway? I did ask DD if she had been doing some kind of messy play to need a bath but she said no.

I don’t want to accuse this woman of anything because as far as I can tell from the conversation with DD, nothing else happened besides the bath. DD wasn’t upset and told me conversationally, but I’m not comfortable with it at all and wouldn’t want it to happen again.

I know ExH will likely say I’m overreacting so I thought I’d ask mumsnet before I raise it with him, I’m sure I can rely on honest opinions here!

So AIBU to be upset by this?

It will be one thing: he knows you will know she is not as good as you. Possibly unsuitable.
(I am not saying this as false flattery, it has always been my experience)

More I ponder on it, more I am sure the woman has really skewed boundries.

I really don't see a problem. However, if it concerns you talk to your ex about it. Are you sure your daughter wasn't just trying to avoid having a bath?

My partner baths my 8 year old son all the time. My son actually moans if I do it because I am less patient and prefer to get him in, washed, and out. Whereas my partner lets him mess about with bath time games. Maybe it's not the same because we live together, but I really do think you are worrying about nothing. If it concerns you that much tell your daughter she has to bath/shower herself when she is at her fathers. However, she may not want to? We have been trying to coax my son into doing it by himself but he is having none of it because he enjoys his bath time.

I personally have no problem with exs partner bathing my kids. If she didn't step up and parent they would get utterly shit care. But it's part of a bigger picture exs gf bakes cakes with them and does lots of other parenting things so giving a bath is part of the care she gives overall- if she was just bathing them I'd question it.

It bothers me because you haven't met her.

All other things as they are then this would be fine. But as a parent, someone YOU DONT KNOW has put your child in a state of undress and bathed them.

No, that's not ok. And ExDH needs to be told that it's not ok.

If this is going to be a long term arrangement, you two need to meet, and if he won't facilitate it - do it yourself. Next time he's off at football with DS, go round for a brew with a packet of biscuits and get to know each other.

Be firm with DH.

Oh I love the ambush idea! She might be nice OP and you will feel much better. But you will need to go looking non-confrontational: perhaps a nice tea loaf or similar to share over a cuppa? If she’s dire post again …

I don't think it would be appropriate to force a meet up with the step mum. She could be asked but it's ultimately her decision whether she wants to meet or not.

Or DH could be firm with OP and say ...... no!

FFS, a brew and a packet of biscuits! Custard creams?

I am not sure how much meeting her will help. Being nice and personable does not mean anything. Abusers do not get access to people's children by being unpleasant!
You need to judge people by their actions not their words.
This woman had only had the kids sleeping over with her 2or 3 times before she has already had the kid stripped and washed and dried her , probably the first time there has been no one else home.Either the woman is dodgy or has very poor judgment,

It could well be because she didn't want to send your DD home dirty/unwashed, as some people have suggested. If there has been previous social services involvement for whatever reason, she may be paranoid about doing all the 'right' parenting things rather than just letting some stuff go as many other parents/step-parents would, and it may be important to her that she's seen to care properly for your DD. Hence the overstepping...

@Goldbar and @ilovebreadsauce demonstrate the polarised possibilities here.

So yes my starting point would be to meet her one way or another.

You can't put rules into their house that says she can't bath her, so you need to be happy with their rules if they think it's ok and that means knowing more about the adults looking after your children when neither parent is around.

It's not about trusting your DH and he's deflecting by saying that to you, which you know,.

If the ex and the woman are at the point of living together, I don't think it's reasonable to worry about this. Step-parents will end up doing some parenting, and there are all kinds of reasons a woman caring for a child in a home, or for that matter occasionally even a babysitter, might need to bathe a child. I have done childcare for years, and there are a few occasions where I've had to put a filthy kid in a bath.

It's different for a man, it's too bad, but it just is. I would only expect that to happen in some kind of emergency situation.

If my partners ex thought it was "weird" to bathe her young kid when it seemed appropriate to me, as far as I am concerned she'd be saying I am not a safe adult to leave the child with, and that's a huge problem for the whole situation.

what does dc say about having a bath? Did she say who suggested it?

Had GF got her bath toys or some bubbles/wanted to do her hair/dad suggested her hair needed washed?

I'm a mum of boys around the same age and perhaps enjoying having a kid about.

if she’s taking on the step parenting role then that’s basic care for your child? I feel like it’s a damned if you do, damned if you don’t situation. I would be annoyed with the fact that you haven’t met her though. But if the children are ok with her doing it, I don’t see the issue. My ‘step’ dad came into my life when I was 2 and he done everything a parent would do, yet on the other hand I had a step mum who was awful and refused to even look at me. So I think I know what type of step parent you’d want to have in your child’s life.

She let your ex meet her children straight away. He went along with this. That’s says a lot about both of them. Lacking in boundaries and irresponsible people.

I feel for you OP, having those sorts of people around your children is really difficult.

For goodness sake! People that are saying it's a step parent hating thing as so barking up the wrong tree! OP has not met this woman, yet the ex has moved her in and within 3 sleepovers she's bathing a child that has no need of a wash and will be having one a few hours later at home anyway. It's entirely reasonable for OP to be asking questions. She said ex new girlfriend helped wash and dry a 7 year old who is quite capable of doing that herself. It wasn't a 'bonding' or 'girly' time as that can be done without the need of the child being naked! The ex has met and moved in with someone within a year but won't let OP meet her or her sons. This is weird. Would anyone on here let a stranger bath their kid? The ex doesn't seem to have good reasoning ability so she can't really trust his judgement. The high chance is that this is totally innocent albeit overstepping boundaries so early on in their relationship. OP just ask the question wether she had a reason to be bathed and if they could leave that for Sunday nights for you to do. If she does get so filthy she needs an all over wash she can shower herself.

I second this. I used to bathe my husbands 2 ds when they were that age (I didn't have to wash their hair as it was short). Also my dd is 10 and still needs me to bathe her so maybe girls need help washing their hair as they have more

In 13 years I've never bathed my step daughter. For me it's a bit of an overstep in boundaries but it does seem maybe she was just helping you out. Step parents really can't ever do anything right at times.
I'd text your ex and say whilst you appreciate she was helping or you'd prefer her to not be bathed by sm if your bothered and don't want it happening again.

I'd be fuuuuuuurious about this. How dare she? This woman should not be seeing your DC naked for a start. I also wouldn't be very pleased about her babysitting without your agreement! Ask him how he'd feel if you had a new partner who bathed DD and saw her naked

@wubwubwub Why isn't it the same thing? Can predators only be male?!?!

None of her business?!?!?! This is OP's child ffs! Stop trying to wind people up with nonsense

Omg you allow your boyfriend to bath your 3yr old little girl???? WTAF 😳

This is the thing though, if the father has PR (which is sounds like he does) then the mother (OP) has no say who looks after the children during his time. It's up to his own judgment as a father, just like it would be up to the OPs judgement as a mother who babysits her children during her time with them. She would only really be able to justifiably raise it with authorities if there was an evident danger to their daughter.

I think going in being furious would be counterproductive and not beneficial for the co-parenting relationship or the child by extension.

To be fair, none of that would make any difference for me personally. Having an enhanced DBS just means that person has never been caught & convicted. Remember, even Ian Huntley had a CRB

@sandyhappypeople You've just said the exact same thing as me! Ian Huntley. Terrifying

Realistically if a step-father is in a family with a young child, bathing or not is not going to be what makes a differernce if he is a predator.

The time to worry is when considering introducing a step parent at all, and much more a step-father.