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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who's being unreasonable - me or him?

172 replies

happyhome1234 · 17/02/2024 15:36

I've been with DP for 5 years and we've been living together for 6 months.

He moved into my house with his 2 boys- one of which lives with us full time.

I also have 2 children and it was a terrible trauma for me when the court mandated 50/50 time with their dad who was very abusive to me.

So I have issues that I'm with DP's children more than my own.

I also have autism so I'm aware I get most situations wrong in other people's eyes.

I've been feeling increasingly uncomfortable about his children being here- and I thought what would help me would be if we had an end date. So they moved out when they were 18. His oldest is 15.

Well DP has lost the plot about that - and now it feels like we're breaking up.

From his side- you can't say that to a child (I explained they'd be an adult by that point). It proves I don't love his children- and I should never have gotten involved with someone with children if that's how I feel. And it proves they're not wanted here.

From my side- I've spent years getting out of an abusive relationship. I do not want to live the rest of my life with a man who is neither my partner nor my child. And surely I have the right to make that decision about my own life.

For the record the 15 year old has a great relationship with his mum who lives nearby. So why doesn't he live with her age 18!!! (Basically because my house is nicer).

And myself and my siblings all left home at 18, went to Uni then got jobs. But this boy has no plans to go to Uni.

Anyway I'm really doubting myself now and feel horrified about my relationship ending over this.

OP posts:
10ThousandSpoons · 17/02/2024 15:39

Sorry but I don't think it will work. That's ok.

HaIlie · 17/02/2024 15:39

Sorry but you're being really unreasonable, I would end a relationship with someone who thought this way about my child who lived there full time.

Bkjahshue · 17/02/2024 15:39

Umm sorry but you’re very much in the wrong to expect this. You can’t help how you feel but I’d be horrified if someone said this about my DC. It will make him feel like he was never wanted and you just want him back at his mums. Also if you and your siblings chose to move out then great but maybe he won’t be ready
I think you need to rethink if the relationship is better with you living separately.

Wolfpa · 17/02/2024 15:39

You are being unreasonable here, did you not discuss living arrangements before he moved in?

they are a package deal and just because your children see’s their dad 50% of the time doesn’t mean you can get upset about other set ups.

18 is still a child you can’t expect them to move out at that age

Cinai · 17/02/2024 15:40

Your feelings are understandable, but I believe that no decent parent would put their partner above their children. I don’t think you can demand from him that his children move out when they are 18. It’s one of the situations where no one is necessarily wrong, it’s just that your lives don’t seem to align.

YeahIsaidit · 17/02/2024 15:41

18 and you're out is extremely harsh and really unfair, I can see why your DP is pissed off. Having an end date for his son to move out is horrible

apwlgamgo · 17/02/2024 15:41

This family situation won't work. For the children's sakes you both need to end the relationship.

Galeforcewindatmywindow · 17/02/2024 15:41

Will your dc also be booted out at 18 op?

HelloMiss · 17/02/2024 15:41

Yabu and I think you know that

Mumofteenandtween · 17/02/2024 15:43

Galeforcewindatmywindow · 17/02/2024 15:41

Will your dc also be booted out at 18 op?

This. Absolutely this.

Personally I would never kick my kids out at 18 and would leave someone who even hinted that my child would not be welcome at the age 18.

Georgieporgie29 · 17/02/2024 15:43

Yes sorry no way to vote but yabu

TwangBoob · 17/02/2024 15:43

You're both right.

He is 100% right to stick up for and with his kids

You are 100% right not to live with anyone you dont want to day in, day out.

Unfortunately, the two things are not compatible.

HaIlie · 17/02/2024 15:45

TwangBoob · 17/02/2024 15:43

You're both right.

He is 100% right to stick up for and with his kids

You are 100% right not to live with anyone you dont want to day in, day out.

Unfortunately, the two things are not compatible.

But this makes the DP right that OP shouldn't have got involved with someone with children and had them move in.

TheSlantedOwl · 17/02/2024 15:46

YANBU to feel as you feel but I think it inevitably means the end of your relationship.

It may have been better to stay as partners who lived separately until the kids were launched. But that option has passed now.

BuddyBuddyBumBum · 17/02/2024 15:50

you are being OUTRAGEOUSLY unreasonable! If you don’t want to live with a man who has children the solution is that YOU move out.

You can’t seriously think it’s reasonable to insist your partner kick his kids out just because you want him to? If the sexes were reversed and a man was telling you that your children had to leave at 18 we’d all be telling you to get your ducks in a row and leave him.

Merryoldgoat · 17/02/2024 15:51

This relationship isn’t for you OP.

It’s reasonable for a father to want to live with his children.

Your issues with your ex-partner and your children are not your partner’s children’s problem.

In your shoes I would either stay single for a while, or not live with another partner.

MILTOBE · 17/02/2024 15:52

BuddyBuddyBumBum · 17/02/2024 15:50

you are being OUTRAGEOUSLY unreasonable! If you don’t want to live with a man who has children the solution is that YOU move out.

You can’t seriously think it’s reasonable to insist your partner kick his kids out just because you want him to? If the sexes were reversed and a man was telling you that your children had to leave at 18 we’d all be telling you to get your ducks in a row and leave him.

It's her house, though!

W0tnow · 17/02/2024 15:53

What would you say if he expected your kids to move out permanently at 18?

AhBiscuits · 17/02/2024 15:53

Yabu.
If someone set a deadline for my kids moving out I would leave.

Galeforcewindatmywindow · 17/02/2024 15:54

I remarried.. MY ds didn't move out until he was nearly 25!! Dh would have been chucked out first!!

Jouleigh · 17/02/2024 15:55

TwangBoob · 17/02/2024 15:43

You're both right.

He is 100% right to stick up for and with his kids

You are 100% right not to live with anyone you dont want to day in, day out.

Unfortunately, the two things are not compatible.

I agree and he is putting his children before you, which is the right thing to do

BuddyBuddyBumBum · 17/02/2024 15:57

MILTOBE · 17/02/2024 15:52

It's her house, though!

Show quote history

Missed that, thanks. My point still kinda stands tho, she shouldn’t have moved them into her house if she didn’t want to live with them. Ok, she shouldn’t leave her house but should end the relationship. I’d be surprised if he doesn’t first.

Hiddenvoice · 17/02/2024 15:58

It’s completely understandable to be upset that you’re spending more time with his children than yours but you choose to move in with him, you understood that this would happen.
It is pretty unfair to expect him to tell his children to leave at 18, I would assume then that you will also do the same? If you’re both contributing equally to the bills etc then you can’t expect his children to leave and yours to stay.

I appreciate your past trauma but you need to try put that aside from this relationship if you genuinely want this relationship to work.
Its okay to feel the way you feel but it’s also okay for him to fight for his children.

MacaroonMacaron · 17/02/2024 16:03

YeahIsaidit · 17/02/2024 15:41

18 and you're out is extremely harsh and really unfair, I can see why your DP is pissed off. Having an end date for his son to move out is horrible

Exactly this. My eldest is in university, but living at home. My middle child has gone away to uni but terms are only 24 weeks in total, she's often home at weekends and she is here more often than she's not. Saying to kids "out the door at 18" is very harsh and not normal at all. I "left home" for uni at 18 but was back and forwards from term time address to my home address until I graduated, and the summer after that, and then really only properly left when I got my first job in the september after graduating. most of my friends were just the same.

If he's NOT going to uni - which is fine - it's going to take a while of working and saving and building a credit rating until he's in a position to rent somewhere.

Aquamarine1029 · 17/02/2024 16:03

You're being absolutely fucking ridiculous and completely unreasonable, but given it's your house, you can be as unreasonable as you want to be, you just have to live with the consequences.

Do everyone a favour and don't ever have anyone move in again. You have played a very dirty trick on your soon-to-be ex-partner.