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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who's being unreasonable - me or him?

172 replies

happyhome1234 · 17/02/2024 15:36

I've been with DP for 5 years and we've been living together for 6 months.

He moved into my house with his 2 boys- one of which lives with us full time.

I also have 2 children and it was a terrible trauma for me when the court mandated 50/50 time with their dad who was very abusive to me.

So I have issues that I'm with DP's children more than my own.

I also have autism so I'm aware I get most situations wrong in other people's eyes.

I've been feeling increasingly uncomfortable about his children being here- and I thought what would help me would be if we had an end date. So they moved out when they were 18. His oldest is 15.

Well DP has lost the plot about that - and now it feels like we're breaking up.

From his side- you can't say that to a child (I explained they'd be an adult by that point). It proves I don't love his children- and I should never have gotten involved with someone with children if that's how I feel. And it proves they're not wanted here.

From my side- I've spent years getting out of an abusive relationship. I do not want to live the rest of my life with a man who is neither my partner nor my child. And surely I have the right to make that decision about my own life.

For the record the 15 year old has a great relationship with his mum who lives nearby. So why doesn't he live with her age 18!!! (Basically because my house is nicer).

And myself and my siblings all left home at 18, went to Uni then got jobs. But this boy has no plans to go to Uni.

Anyway I'm really doubting myself now and feel horrified about my relationship ending over this.

OP posts:
Emma543 · 17/02/2024 16:04

Sorry OP but YABU. What an awful thing to put a deadline on his child moving out and i suspect you would never do the same to yours.
If a partner of mine said this to me I would leave them there and then. Children always come first.

PegasusReturns · 17/02/2024 16:04

You can’t possibly expect your DP to agree that his son moves out at 18 and I’m not surprised that he feels like this might be the end of your relationship

TheSnowyOwl · 17/02/2024 16:04

I’m also autistic and 100% behind your partner here. I think he needs to move out now and then assess whether your relationship has a future but if it does, it won’t be with the two of you cohabiting.

Octavia64 · 17/02/2024 16:05

You have the right to decide who you live with.

He has the right to decide that is not acceptable for him and leave you.

Most parents would be on his side, particularly as there doesn't seem to be anything the child has done.

WinterSprings · 17/02/2024 16:07

I wonder how you would feel if the situation was reversed and DP was making your DCs move out. Legally 18 is an adult but let’s be real, these days adult children live with their parents way longer. Again, will you be making your DC move out at 18 because “they’re adults and I had to move out at 18”.
Why don’t they move in with their mum? So throughout their childhood your DP has paid little or no child maintenance as he has them 50% of the time or more… then as soon as they turn 18 and leave education their mother has to then take them in. Very convenient. And very unfair.
No- you don’t have to accept them living with you but DP and children come as a package and you shouldn’t have let him move in to begin with.
Break up now. This situation can’t work and if anyone was asking me to choose between them and my children (which is what you are indirectly doing) then I’d choose my children every single time.

AnneLovesGilbert · 17/02/2024 16:08

You really shouldn’t have moved in together. It sounds like you knew his son would be there full time, more than your own are, and that it would be difficult.

It also sounds like pretty basic stuff wasn’t discussed properly. Accept his decision if he wants to split up and acknowledge he’s been massively put out by having to move again!

TwangBoob · 17/02/2024 16:08

HaIlie · 17/02/2024 15:45

But this makes the DP right that OP shouldn't have got involved with someone with children and had them move in.

Show quote history

Yep. However, op may not have known this is how they'd react. We all make mistakes 🤷‍♀️

neverenoughplants · 17/02/2024 16:08

You say that you are feeling increasingly uncomfortable about his kids being there, and that you have issues being with your partner's kids more than your own. You don't mention any specific problems or concerns with them. So, is it that you just didn't want his kids to move in with you in the first place? But you presumably must have known that your partner and kids were a package deal?

It isn't your partner's (or his kids') fault that you have to have 50:50 custody of your own kids with your ex. It's sad that you've experienced something traumatic, but that isn't their fault and it isn't fair to suddenly spring this consequence of your discomfort on them. Your partner presumably thought that you had agreed to them all moving in, that you wanted this and were happy. And now you are insisting on a future date when his kids will be forced to leave.

I agree with your partner - you can't say that to a child (and it doesn't matter that you're apparently planning to wait until his 18th birthday to say, "congrats, you're a man now! Get out of my house!"). You have no idea what the kids' situation will be at 18 years old. They might have medical problems, they might have failed exams and need to resit, they might decide to get a job but need time to build up money for rent/furniture etc before they move out. Or maybe they will simply want to spend longer at home with family that love them? If you would offer that to your own kids, but not his, then he is right to consider ending your relationship.

KnowledgeableMomma · 17/02/2024 16:09

I wish you had left the YABU/YANBU poll up so you could see, in black and white, how unreasonable you are in this.

fluffi · 17/02/2024 16:10

YABU unless you are also kicking your own kids out on their 18th birthdays. But I don’t agree with kicking children out exactly on their birthdays either.

If I was your DP I’d say exactly what he said clearly you don’t like his children (you’ve more or less said you don’t want them living in your house) and you should have never moved DP in! I’d be breaking up with you too because I couldn’t be in a relationship with someone who forced even their kids out the door at 18 especially with CoL, rent rates etc.

lunar1 · 17/02/2024 16:10

He needs to leave you, he can't just say job done when his child is 18.

millymollymoomoo · 17/02/2024 16:11

You are being so unreasonable !

you should end the relationship but if your partner has any severe he’ll do that anyway over this.

Aquamarine1029 · 17/02/2024 16:11

Do your partner a favour and end the relationship because all you're doing is wasting his time. You do not value his kids, you do not see them as a part of your family, and they deserve to live in a home where they feel secure and welcome.

CountdownFast · 17/02/2024 16:11

Your feelings aren’t going to go away. I think it best that you separate and your DP and his kids move out.

FWIW I would never move into a blended household with children or have anyone with children move in with me. However, you can’t expect the 18 year olds to be the adults in a family just because they are 18. You and your DP have really messed up here.

Nowvoyager99 · 17/02/2024 16:12

Lots of things I don’t understand here.

  1. You have been involved for a long time. Why has he moved in recently? What changed?
  2. You know each other well. Why wasn’t this potential issue discussed before he and his DC moved in?
  3. Why would it have to mean the end of the relationship if he isn’t living with you? You were presumably happy before he moved in.

Regardless, this situation clearly isn’t working for you and you have every right to ask them to leave your house.

Cornettoninja · 17/02/2024 16:13

Oh wow, yes YABU and quite hurtful with it.

being upset over spending more time with his children than your own is nonsensical. If his kids weren’t there you still wouldn’t be spending that time with your own children.

Can you say that you’d be happy if your BF said the same thing to your children? Who owns the actual bricks and mortar is almost beside the point presuming you both decided to live together; I don’t know many parents who would be happy to cut their kids completely loose at 18 and plenty of adults who still benefit from a solid base should they need it provided by their parents.

If you’re really struggling with the set up then I think your BF is right to end things. The relationship can only continue if there’s an acceptance of really hurting other people and it’s actually quite nice to read of a father who finds this unacceptable.

Sleepysleepasap · 17/02/2024 16:17

YABU I am afraid. Obviously not thought through before you agreed for partner to move in .

Floopani · 17/02/2024 16:17

If I were your DP and you said this about my child, it would be over for me. Immediately.

Not that you're unreasonable for saying how you truly feel, because at least everyone is being honest. But that's a deal-breaker in my eyes.

Etincelle · 17/02/2024 16:17

I would never make my kids move out as soon as they turn 18. They'll be welcome as long as they need. Sounds like he feels the same. Are you sure you'll make your own kids move out full time at 18 like you're asking him to?

Universalsnail · 17/02/2024 16:19

You are massively unreasonable sorry.

It's fine if you don't want to live with your partner and their children though because of your autism, but live seperetly then. Ask him to move out with his kids. Doesn't mean you have to break up to live seperetly. Trying to kick his children out at 18 is awful.

Picklestop · 17/02/2024 16:20

Definitely YABU.

Well not unreasonable to decide you don’t want to live with other people’s children, but in that case don’t do so.

You are unreasonable to agree to set up home with a man that has children and then announce that they need to move out at 18. If he is a good man, he will move out with his children tomorrow and end this relationship.

How are you surprised that he lost the plot at this? 🤷‍♀️ I would never look at you in the same light again.

ludicrouslycapaciousbags · 17/02/2024 16:21

So this was never discussed in the 5 years you were together when making the arrangements to move in together.

Completely bizarre.

Original poster
happyhome1234 · 17/02/2024 16:21

Well I guess that's cleared the matter up 🤣

I think the hidden point is that I feel massively taken advantage of.

The money side is really unbalanced as DP doesn't earn much. And before moving in with me he lived with his parents and sons in the same house.

So I can't untangle the fact they wanted a house with did they want to live with me and my children.

I'm also paying for everything- including an extension to house his boys.

And I work long hours in the office and DP works from home. So in general I actually feel massively taken for granted and pushed out my own house.

That's probably the root of the problem- together with the fact that I don't want to live with a man who's not my partner.

OP posts:
Picklestop · 17/02/2024 16:23

happyhome1234 · 17/02/2024 16:21

Well I guess that's cleared the matter up 🤣

I think the hidden point is that I feel massively taken advantage of.

The money side is really unbalanced as DP doesn't earn much. And before moving in with me he lived with his parents and sons in the same house.

So I can't untangle the fact they wanted a house with did they want to live with me and my children.

I'm also paying for everything- including an extension to house his boys.

And I work long hours in the office and DP works from home. So in general I actually feel massively taken for granted and pushed out my own house.

That's probably the root of the problem- together with the fact that I don't want to live with a man who's not my partner.

All things you should have thought about first and none of which make it reasonable for you to want to kick his children out on their 18th birthday.

Original poster
happyhome1234 · 17/02/2024 16:24

Nowvoyager99 · 17/02/2024 16:12

Lots of things I don’t understand here.

  1. You have been involved for a long time. Why has he moved in recently? What changed?
  2. You know each other well. Why wasn’t this potential issue discussed before he and his DC moved in?
  3. Why would it have to mean the end of the relationship if he isn’t living with you? You were presumably happy before he moved in.

Regardless, this situation clearly isn’t working for you and you have every right to ask them to leave your house.

I really thought we'd got it right as we spent so long before moving in.

The main issue was getting the children to the right schools, and me buying a bigger house.

The catalyst was his older boy nearly getting expelled from his school and DP really pushing to move in with us so his son could change school and have a fresh start

OP posts: