Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who's being unreasonable - me or him?

172 replies

happyhome1234 · 17/02/2024 15:36

I've been with DP for 5 years and we've been living together for 6 months.

He moved into my house with his 2 boys- one of which lives with us full time.

I also have 2 children and it was a terrible trauma for me when the court mandated 50/50 time with their dad who was very abusive to me.

So I have issues that I'm with DP's children more than my own.

I also have autism so I'm aware I get most situations wrong in other people's eyes.

I've been feeling increasingly uncomfortable about his children being here- and I thought what would help me would be if we had an end date. So they moved out when they were 18. His oldest is 15.

Well DP has lost the plot about that - and now it feels like we're breaking up.

From his side- you can't say that to a child (I explained they'd be an adult by that point). It proves I don't love his children- and I should never have gotten involved with someone with children if that's how I feel. And it proves they're not wanted here.

From my side- I've spent years getting out of an abusive relationship. I do not want to live the rest of my life with a man who is neither my partner nor my child. And surely I have the right to make that decision about my own life.

For the record the 15 year old has a great relationship with his mum who lives nearby. So why doesn't he live with her age 18!!! (Basically because my house is nicer).

And myself and my siblings all left home at 18, went to Uni then got jobs. But this boy has no plans to go to Uni.

Anyway I'm really doubting myself now and feel horrified about my relationship ending over this.

OP posts:
chocolatesaltyballs22 · 17/02/2024 16:25

BuddyBuddyBumBum · 17/02/2024 15:50

you are being OUTRAGEOUSLY unreasonable! If you don’t want to live with a man who has children the solution is that YOU move out.

You can’t seriously think it’s reasonable to insist your partner kick his kids out just because you want him to? If the sexes were reversed and a man was telling you that your children had to leave at 18 we’d all be telling you to get your ducks in a row and leave him.

It's her house though? Why should she move out?

I sympathise OP. My DSS won't be coming to stay after the age of 18. It's an arrangement which was made for a child, not an adult.

JMSA · 17/02/2024 16:26

I'm not sure why you would move them all in, in the first place.

I can totally see why the idea of an end date would bring some comfort to you. It's something that you wish could be true in secret! However it doesn't quite tie in with reality, and is an unfair thing to ask.

Sorry OP.

MILTOBE · 17/02/2024 16:27

The catalyst was his older boy nearly getting expelled from his school and DP really pushing to move in with us so his son could change school and have a fresh start

That sounds like a huge mistake on your part, OP. A boy who's nearly expelled was never going to be the easiest to live with.

HappiestSleeping · 17/02/2024 16:28

happyhome1234 · 17/02/2024 16:21

Well I guess that's cleared the matter up 🤣

I think the hidden point is that I feel massively taken advantage of.

The money side is really unbalanced as DP doesn't earn much. And before moving in with me he lived with his parents and sons in the same house.

So I can't untangle the fact they wanted a house with did they want to live with me and my children.

I'm also paying for everything- including an extension to house his boys.

And I work long hours in the office and DP works from home. So in general I actually feel massively taken for granted and pushed out my own house.

That's probably the root of the problem- together with the fact that I don't want to live with a man who's not my partner.

These are two separate issues. One about his children, and the other about feeling taken for granted.

I agree with previous posters in that this should all have been discussed before moving in. From the children point of view, you took him on knowing he had children. In modern life, children often stay at home longer than they used to, so it is unfair to spring a deadline on him now.

As for taking advantage financially, that's a different issue and needs to be solved if you can past the children issue.

Honestly, it sounds like it might be time to move on.

MILTOBE · 17/02/2024 16:28

OP, you need to tell your partner it's over. He can move back to live with his parents again and take his children with him.

Original poster
happyhome1234 · 17/02/2024 16:28

Ah thanks @chocolatesaltyballs22

Out of interest is that something you discussed in advance?

OP posts:
Tiswa · 17/02/2024 16:28

Actually I don’t think you are being unreasonable but I do think for your sake you need them to move out and be single

Valeriekat · 17/02/2024 16:30

So basically he bullied you into moving his family in. Get them out asap!

TheSnowyOwl · 17/02/2024 16:30

happyhome1234 · 17/02/2024 16:21

Well I guess that's cleared the matter up 🤣

I think the hidden point is that I feel massively taken advantage of.

The money side is really unbalanced as DP doesn't earn much. And before moving in with me he lived with his parents and sons in the same house.

So I can't untangle the fact they wanted a house with did they want to live with me and my children.

I'm also paying for everything- including an extension to house his boys.

And I work long hours in the office and DP works from home. So in general I actually feel massively taken for granted and pushed out my own house.

That's probably the root of the problem- together with the fact that I don't want to live with a man who's not my partner.

But what of this was you unaware of before you agreed for them to move in? Surely it was all either abundantly obvious or else normal questions to address.

CoffeeBean5 · 17/02/2024 16:33

happyhome1234 · 17/02/2024 16:21

Well I guess that's cleared the matter up 🤣

I think the hidden point is that I feel massively taken advantage of.

The money side is really unbalanced as DP doesn't earn much. And before moving in with me he lived with his parents and sons in the same house.

So I can't untangle the fact they wanted a house with did they want to live with me and my children.

I'm also paying for everything- including an extension to house his boys.

And I work long hours in the office and DP works from home. So in general I actually feel massively taken for granted and pushed out my own house.

That's probably the root of the problem- together with the fact that I don't want to live with a man who's not my partner.

I think you should either split up or live separately. He is taking advantage of you.

Haydenn · 17/02/2024 16:34

I think you need to say to him that you love him and want to be with him, but you need to go back to living separately. As it is you are paying more to support him in a lifestyle that he can’t afford. You have been prepared to do that for his children, but want a time limit on that because you don’t want to continue to financially support his children when they reach adulthood. Personally I think that is fine, it is one thing to pick up more of the financial load for a partner, and potentially their children, but not their adult kids.

I think you are getting a hard time hear because of your wording, stepmothers aren’t expected to financially support their partners kids which you are doing by providing a home for them which he couldn’t afford to do.

I think it is also worth noting that some men who have had the nice family home before target women who have the nice house to provide a home for them and their kids. I would suspect if you told him that it is fine that he wants to continue living with his child post 18 years old, but he will need to do it elsewhere, but you want to continue having a relationship living apart you will find he quickly moves on to find another mug with a nice house to support him and his children.

I’m afraid you’ve gone from one abusive relationship to another- this one financially abusive

Nowvoyager99 · 17/02/2024 16:37

Ok, given the updates, they need to move back out. The fact that you are expected to pay for an extension to house his children is 😱😱😱

If he’s not interested in continuing a relationship with you when he’s not living with you, you will know he was taking the piss.

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 17/02/2024 16:38

happyhome1234 · 17/02/2024 16:28

Ah thanks @chocolatesaltyballs22

Out of interest is that something you discussed in advance?

It is, yes. He asked me to marry him and I knew he'd have to move in with me (better house, possibility to extend). To be fair he pays his way though and helped to fund the extension. It sounds like your partner is leaning on you financially and you shouldn't have to be paying to support his kids.

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 17/02/2024 16:40

The children are not the problem.

Your partner is.

Cornettoninja · 17/02/2024 16:40

@happyhome1234 none of your side is UR at all. For you. It clearly is for your bf though so really the only option is to Iive separately even if the relationship otherwise survives.

@chocolatesaltyballs22 I’m really quite sad for your ss having their parental relationship so strictly managed. I’ve seen the outcomes from the adults side and the now incredibly distant relationship they have with their elderly father. Their sm made it very clear they weren’t part of their family so they took that at face value. Their sm is now very vocal about how little support they receive in their older years as all the children took the hint and made their lives elsewhere in the country/world but I’m sure they’re very happy otherwise.

cooroocoocoo · 17/02/2024 16:46

It is okay not to live together if it doesn’t work for all. Part of life is learning from our mistakes.

YABU about the >18 = out. But also your DP also needs to understand you are not married and this is not his forever home if the relationship is not working for any reason.

but YANBU that financially things are unequal. It may feel healthier to disentangle love and money here and revert to being separate households.

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 17/02/2024 16:47

@Cornettoninja of course I'm not stopping him having a relationship with his kids. But I have no interest in living with young adults. My own child left at 19. I just see no need for a contact arrangement which was designed for a child to continue when they're no longer a child. I find it weird that stepkids keep their visiting arrangements into adulthood. It does no one any good in my opinion.

asdunno · 17/02/2024 16:51

It would be best to split if you feel this way. You can't make him choose between you and the kids.

Aquamarine1029 · 17/02/2024 16:51

It's like you've been sleepwalking through your own life.

Basically, everything from top to bottom isn't working, so deal with it and end the relationship already.

theconfidenceofwho · 17/02/2024 16:56

Haydenn · 17/02/2024 16:34

I think you need to say to him that you love him and want to be with him, but you need to go back to living separately. As it is you are paying more to support him in a lifestyle that he can’t afford. You have been prepared to do that for his children, but want a time limit on that because you don’t want to continue to financially support his children when they reach adulthood. Personally I think that is fine, it is one thing to pick up more of the financial load for a partner, and potentially their children, but not their adult kids.

I think you are getting a hard time hear because of your wording, stepmothers aren’t expected to financially support their partners kids which you are doing by providing a home for them which he couldn’t afford to do.

I think it is also worth noting that some men who have had the nice family home before target women who have the nice house to provide a home for them and their kids. I would suspect if you told him that it is fine that he wants to continue living with his child post 18 years old, but he will need to do it elsewhere, but you want to continue having a relationship living apart you will find he quickly moves on to find another mug with a nice house to support him and his children.

I’m afraid you’ve gone from one abusive relationship to another- this one financially abusive

Sorry Op, but I agree with this!

Good luck getting free.

TheShellBeach · 17/02/2024 16:58

Aquamarine1029 · 17/02/2024 16:03

You're being absolutely fucking ridiculous and completely unreasonable, but given it's your house, you can be as unreasonable as you want to be, you just have to live with the consequences.

Do everyone a favour and don't ever have anyone move in again. You have played a very dirty trick on your soon-to-be ex-partner.

I have to say that I agree with every word of this.

Figgygal · 17/02/2024 17:02

I think its time to call it quits OP

Galeforcewindatmywindow · 17/02/2024 17:04

Your dp is a sponger.. It surely isn't just his ds you want rid of?

TempName247 · 17/02/2024 17:05

I think you should make plans for them to move out, you need to prioritise your own children financially and time spent with them (do you ever get alone time with them?). I can’t imagine how your children must feel when they come to stay with you and you have someone else’s children living there full time. It just doesn’t sit right with me.

Allmychickenscometoroost · 17/02/2024 17:05

Valeriekat · 17/02/2024 16:30

So basically he bullied you into moving his family in. Get them out asap!

It was all about what the dp and his dc needed. None of this was about you. So yanbu to feel taken advantage of. However you can't ask him to ask his dc to move out at 18 if you carry on living together.

Swipe left for the next trending thread