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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who's being unreasonable - me or him?

172 replies

happyhome1234 · 17/02/2024 15:36

I've been with DP for 5 years and we've been living together for 6 months.

He moved into my house with his 2 boys- one of which lives with us full time.

I also have 2 children and it was a terrible trauma for me when the court mandated 50/50 time with their dad who was very abusive to me.

So I have issues that I'm with DP's children more than my own.

I also have autism so I'm aware I get most situations wrong in other people's eyes.

I've been feeling increasingly uncomfortable about his children being here- and I thought what would help me would be if we had an end date. So they moved out when they were 18. His oldest is 15.

Well DP has lost the plot about that - and now it feels like we're breaking up.

From his side- you can't say that to a child (I explained they'd be an adult by that point). It proves I don't love his children- and I should never have gotten involved with someone with children if that's how I feel. And it proves they're not wanted here.

From my side- I've spent years getting out of an abusive relationship. I do not want to live the rest of my life with a man who is neither my partner nor my child. And surely I have the right to make that decision about my own life.

For the record the 15 year old has a great relationship with his mum who lives nearby. So why doesn't he live with her age 18!!! (Basically because my house is nicer).

And myself and my siblings all left home at 18, went to Uni then got jobs. But this boy has no plans to go to Uni.

Anyway I'm really doubting myself now and feel horrified about my relationship ending over this.

OP posts:
millymollymoomoo · 17/02/2024 17:06

Well given your update there are obviously multiple thinfs going kn

none of which are his childrens fault

you need to talk to him about pulling his weight and paying his way, or ask him to leave

pikkumyy77 · 17/02/2024 17:08

This is a very problematic relationship with a man who is exploiting you for his own benefit. He can not afford his children, is not properly parenting them, and is throwing all the financial burden on to you. Just because this doesn’t look as bad as your previous abusive relationship doesn’t mean its not bad. Its bad in its own way.

dapsnotplimsolls · 17/02/2024 17:33

They need to move out.

Jl2014 · 17/02/2024 17:47

Shockingly unreasonable. You should never have moved in together. I agree with your partner on this one.

EmmaEmerald · 17/02/2024 17:51

Even with your update, this is dreadful

The children had no say in any of this. You talk about them like they are
....objects....rather than humans.

You shouldn't have had them move in

Partner sounds like he takes advantage.

I know someone with a step parent who was suddenly asked to pay his way at 18 while doing A levels. Literally, the day he turned 18 he was asked for money he didn't have. Then he was told he wasn't wanted in the house.

Luckily he had other relatives to go to but it was absolutely shocking. I can't believe people do things like this.

Zanatdy · 17/02/2024 17:53

Sorry but he’s entirely reasonable in what’s he said. He’s right that you should not have moved him and his children in, no decent parent is going to say you’re out at 18 as my girlfriend wants you gone.

Georgyporky · 17/02/2024 17:54

Your house, your rules.
It was a mistake letting them move in, better to move them out now.

Devonshiregal · 17/02/2024 17:57

Live with a man who isn’t your partner? This is weird. He’s the son of your partner not some random man. If you have personal space issues that’s fine but you can’t have it both ways - it is either your partner’s house too or not. If not then he should leave. If it is his house then his son is welcome there always. Ages doesn’t stop someone being your child.

Also, if your kids are welcome in your house, why would his kids not be welcome in HIS house?

Also, what would happen if something happened to one of his kids? An accident for example which meant they needed care? Or couldn’t live independently? A normal father (which you partner sounds like) would have their kid move in with them and offer care. What would you do in this situation?

Another also, if you knew your husband earned less and couldn’t afford to split 50/50 why are you now pissed about this?

men up and down the country have women who earn less and they pay more but everyone would be outraged if they referred to the family home as “their home” just because they pay more.

sounds like your partner wanted to have a blended family life together and you very much see things as Yours and Mine.

you really don’t sound compatible. Neither of you were technically wrong - but now you see you don’t want the same things you are wrong for expecting him to kick his kids out rather than breaking up.

DragonGypsyDoris · 17/02/2024 17:59

This is what can happen when the parents treat their own needs as more important than those of their children. The label 'blended family' can sound so nice, but in reality it is often fraught with difficulties. Teenagers (particularly) don't want to be blended with what amounts to a new parent, or with other children who are immediately labelled as their siblings.

DoILookThrilled · 17/02/2024 18:02

After reading your update YANBU. I struggle to think of anything worse than my house being over ran by someone else’s children and me footing the bill for it. He needs to cocklodge back to his mothers. Sounds like a nightmare!

Xmastime2023 · 17/02/2024 18:04

To put a bit of a different spin on it my DP has pretty much said the same so my DC has decided they will live with their father when they get to 16, kids go their own way soon enough and your partner maybe around for the rest of your life.

edited to add - we don’t have the financial issue though

Ghostgirl77 · 17/02/2024 18:06

It sounds like there are a lot of issues here OP. The bottom line is the current living arrangements aren’t working so you need to end them. The relationship may or may not survive this. If it doesn’t then chalk it up to experience and don’t make the same mistakes again.

MrsTerryPratchett · 17/02/2024 18:07

WTAF you're building them an extension? NO!

Kelly51 · 17/02/2024 18:09

I'm also paying for everything- including an extension to house his boys.
And what did he contribute?
He saw you coming, I'd suggest he moves out.

DoILookThrilled · 17/02/2024 18:09

MrsTerryPratchett · 17/02/2024 18:07

WTAF you're building them an extension? NO!

I know right. Can’t he pay to house his children like normal people do?!

Peachy2005 · 17/02/2024 18:09

I can’t think why you had him move into your house in the first place if you weren’t ok with his kids being around. If, god forbid, his ex-wife died, they would probably both need to live with you full time. You made a big mistake. Ask him to move out and don’t make the same mistake again. On a separate note, get some counselling if your trauma is having a negative impact on your life. Good luck!

Woodenwonder · 17/02/2024 18:15

Two things.

You met this adult man when he was living with his parents. That was your first red flag about him, that he wasn't self-sufficient

You clearly don't love him enough regardless of his shortcomings to unconditionally love his children too.

Dery · 17/02/2024 18:16

@Xmastime2023 - are you serious with this:

“To put a bit of a different spin on it my DP has pretty much said the same so my DC has decided they will live with their father when they get to 16, kids go their own way soon enough and your partner maybe around for the rest of your life.”

Or your partner may leave and you’ll be left with children who knew you cared more about some bloke than you did about housing your own children. In fact, they’ll know that whether he stays or goes. That’s pretty fucked up.

Ponderingwindow · 17/02/2024 18:16

I’m also autistic and I understand how we can see things differently, but you have this one wrong.

a father and his children are a package deal. His home is their home. At any moment it could become the place they live 100% of the time. It is a parent’s responsibility to provide a solid launch into adulthood and that means using a transitioned exit from the home, not a hard exit date. Unless of course the child forces the issue by refusing to do their part in the transition from child to adult and then the parent may have to force the issue.

I would really recommend that you not live with anyone with children. Honestly, consider whether you need to live with anyone at all. Your primary responsibility is always going to be to your existing children, even as they become adults. You will want to protect any inheritance you might be able to leave them. Moving in with someone makes that complicated. I think the perfect solution for later in life relationships is getting homes as close as possible together.

Xmastime2023 · 17/02/2024 18:24

Dery · 17/02/2024 18:16

@Xmastime2023 - are you serious with this:

“To put a bit of a different spin on it my DP has pretty much said the same so my DC has decided they will live with their father when they get to 16, kids go their own way soon enough and your partner maybe around for the rest of your life.”

Or your partner may leave and you’ll be left with children who knew you cared more about some bloke than you did about housing your own children. In fact, they’ll know that whether he stays or goes. That’s pretty fucked up.

Why is their father ‘housing’ them inferrer to me ‘housing’ them?

Toblerbone · 17/02/2024 18:28

You shouldn't be paying for everything OP. That's the real issue here.

Pheasantsmate · 17/02/2024 18:34

Woodenwonder · 17/02/2024 18:15

Two things.

You met this adult man when he was living with his parents. That was your first red flag about him, that he wasn't self-sufficient

You clearly don't love him enough regardless of his shortcomings to unconditionally love his children too.

Loving someone unconditionally doesn’t mean a) taking on financial responsibility for their children, b) continuing to be financially responsible for their children when they are adults.

Their father isn’t financially looking after them for FFS, god knows why the OP should.

Workhardcryharder · 17/02/2024 18:36

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 17/02/2024 16:38

It is, yes. He asked me to marry him and I knew he'd have to move in with me (better house, possibility to extend). To be fair he pays his way though and helped to fund the extension. It sounds like your partner is leaning on you financially and you shouldn't have to be paying to support his kids.

Show quote history

Not sure who’s a worse person out of you and your partner 😅

MsCactus · 17/02/2024 18:36

You're being very unreasonable. Your poor DP

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 17/02/2024 18:38

You're unreasonable to put a time limit on his children living at home

But you should have had a more frank discussion before anyone moved in

He sounds a bit of a CF too tbh