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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who's being unreasonable - me or him?

172 replies

happyhome1234 · 17/02/2024 15:36

I've been with DP for 5 years and we've been living together for 6 months.

He moved into my house with his 2 boys- one of which lives with us full time.

I also have 2 children and it was a terrible trauma for me when the court mandated 50/50 time with their dad who was very abusive to me.

So I have issues that I'm with DP's children more than my own.

I also have autism so I'm aware I get most situations wrong in other people's eyes.

I've been feeling increasingly uncomfortable about his children being here- and I thought what would help me would be if we had an end date. So they moved out when they were 18. His oldest is 15.

Well DP has lost the plot about that - and now it feels like we're breaking up.

From his side- you can't say that to a child (I explained they'd be an adult by that point). It proves I don't love his children- and I should never have gotten involved with someone with children if that's how I feel. And it proves they're not wanted here.

From my side- I've spent years getting out of an abusive relationship. I do not want to live the rest of my life with a man who is neither my partner nor my child. And surely I have the right to make that decision about my own life.

For the record the 15 year old has a great relationship with his mum who lives nearby. So why doesn't he live with her age 18!!! (Basically because my house is nicer).

And myself and my siblings all left home at 18, went to Uni then got jobs. But this boy has no plans to go to Uni.

Anyway I'm really doubting myself now and feel horrified about my relationship ending over this.

OP posts:
Wooloohooloo · 17/02/2024 20:04

I think you need to either break up or continue the relationship and live apart. 18 is still very young. Not all kids go to uni and nowadays it would be very hard for an 18 year old to earn enough to afford rents unless they were supported by a wealthy family. Parenting doesn't suddenly stop at 18.

DottieMoon · 17/02/2024 20:09

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Xmastime2023 · 17/02/2024 20:49

RedBarnOwl · 17/02/2024 20:04

Good God, you’ve actually said to your children they will be living with their father when they’re 16 and you’re allowing your partner to dictate that YOUR children won’t be welcome to live in their home from their 16th birthday? I wouldn’t be surprised if you’ve alienating your children in years to come and I wouldn’t blame them.

Show quote history

No they have chosen to live with their father (which they do 50% of the time anyway) from 16 but no they are welcome here until they are 18.

A parent adult child relationship is not comparable to a partner, many people on here see their parents a couple of times a year.

ForTonightGodisaDJ · 17/02/2024 21:06

Unless there is a mitigating reason why you don't want the children there. I.e they are rude or disrespectful to you then I think YANBU.

Woodenwonder · 17/02/2024 21:06

Pheasantsmate · 17/02/2024 18:34

Loving someone unconditionally doesn’t mean a) taking on financial responsibility for their children, b) continuing to be financially responsible for their children when they are adults.

Their father isn’t financially looking after them for FFS, god knows why the OP should.

Show quote history

Nowhere and I mean NOWHERE did I say she should financially support his children now did I.

Read properly.

Xmastime2023 · 17/02/2024 21:07

I know plenty of people who have normal relationships with their fathers who they hardly lived when they were kids and definitely not after they were 18.

Pheasantsmate · 17/02/2024 21:27

Woodenwonder · 17/02/2024 21:06

Nowhere and I mean NOWHERE did I say she should financially support his children now did I.

Read properly.

Show quote history

But you stated she should accept her partners shortcomings. His shortcoming is that he can’t financially pull his own weight or support his kids. So if you are asking that she accept his shortcomings, then that is asking that she accepts that he can’t pay his own way and she will need to continue to pay most of the bills for him and his children.

How does she accept his shortcomings and not accept financial responsibility?

24hrCarer · 17/02/2024 21:31

Xmastime2023 · 17/02/2024 18:04

To put a bit of a different spin on it my DP has pretty much said the same so my DC has decided they will live with their father when they get to 16, kids go their own way soon enough and your partner maybe around for the rest of your life.

edited to add - we don’t have the financial issue though

Edited

If my DH even suggested anything like this, our marriage would be done. My DD is 20 and lives with us. She will be with me for the rest of my life due to her care needs. I couldn't even comprehend a partner telling me she couldn't stay.

RedBarnOwl · 17/02/2024 21:42

Xmastime2023 · 17/02/2024 20:49

No they have chosen to live with their father (which they do 50% of the time anyway) from 16 but no they are welcome here until they are 18.

A parent adult child relationship is not comparable to a partner, many people on here see their parents a couple of times a year.

Show quote history

And many parents don’t kick their children out on the say so of a partner! They’re only welcome until they’re 18? The mind boggles…

Swipernoswipingg · 17/02/2024 21:58

Herdinggoats · 17/02/2024 19:13

Well I do hope he does the decent thing and calls time on this relationship and moves back in with his mum and dad, because he can’t afford to support his kids without the OP

Show quote history

Whoops wrong post!

Herdinggoats · 17/02/2024 22:23

Swipernoswipingg · 17/02/2024 21:58

Whoops wrong post!

Edited
Show quote history

No it wasn’t on the wrong post. Her partner and his kids were living with his parents before they moved in with her because he can’t afford to house them. So if he chooses to end the relationship over the fact the OP doesn’t want his children living there when they are adults then presumably he will be having to move back into his parents house.

TwylaSands · 17/02/2024 22:27

MILTOBE · 17/02/2024 16:28

OP, you need to tell your partner it's over. He can move back to live with his parents again and take his children with him.

I also think this. I cannot see what he adds to your life.

Marblessolveeverything · 17/02/2024 22:49

You are not compatible.

It is highly unlikely that an 18 year-old will be able to finance accommodation. If they attend University then where will they come home to in holidays?

Most families now have adult children until they finish third level and secure a job.that can finance accommodation.

Rachie1973 · 17/02/2024 22:53

happyhome1234 · 17/02/2024 15:36

I've been with DP for 5 years and we've been living together for 6 months.

He moved into my house with his 2 boys- one of which lives with us full time.

I also have 2 children and it was a terrible trauma for me when the court mandated 50/50 time with their dad who was very abusive to me.

So I have issues that I'm with DP's children more than my own.

I also have autism so I'm aware I get most situations wrong in other people's eyes.

I've been feeling increasingly uncomfortable about his children being here- and I thought what would help me would be if we had an end date. So they moved out when they were 18. His oldest is 15.

Well DP has lost the plot about that - and now it feels like we're breaking up.

From his side- you can't say that to a child (I explained they'd be an adult by that point). It proves I don't love his children- and I should never have gotten involved with someone with children if that's how I feel. And it proves they're not wanted here.

From my side- I've spent years getting out of an abusive relationship. I do not want to live the rest of my life with a man who is neither my partner nor my child. And surely I have the right to make that decision about my own life.

For the record the 15 year old has a great relationship with his mum who lives nearby. So why doesn't he live with her age 18!!! (Basically because my house is nicer).

And myself and my siblings all left home at 18, went to Uni then got jobs. But this boy has no plans to go to Uni.

Anyway I'm really doubting myself now and feel horrified about my relationship ending over this.

You’re so unreasonable. 18 isn’t the cut off that kids get chucked out!

what if they’re midway through college or something?

Testina · 17/02/2024 23:03

You’ve got two entirely different potential OPs.

The one you wrote: where you shouldn’t have let a child move in with you only to piss them about.

And the one your subsequent post could have been: where your boyfriend is using you and taking the utter piss.

Stop bankrolling him. Stop putting an extension on your house. Send them all back to their mum.

You’ve still treated the child in this shittily either way - you shouldn’t have moved him in when you didn’t want him there, and you shouldn’t have moved him in when it was obvious his dad was a bullying cocklodger. So I feel for the kid, and you’ll have to make your peace with your behaviour towards him. But, you still need to move them out.

Samlewis96 · 18/02/2024 06:22

Uricon2 · 17/02/2024 19:35

Really? 16!

I have no words (well, actually a lot of words) for people who see their kids leave so young, unless for an absolutely good reason.

Good luck to you if you end up without the partner and without a relationship with your children.

Edited
Show quote history

They would be with their father not out in the streets. Bit of difference

Original poster
happyhome1234 · 18/02/2024 07:55

TempName247 · 17/02/2024 17:05

I think you should make plans for them to move out, you need to prioritise your own children financially and time spent with them (do you ever get alone time with them?). I can’t imagine how your children must feel when they come to stay with you and you have someone else’s children living there full time. It just doesn’t sit right with me.

Yes this is the worst bit for my children

OP posts:
Pheeeeebs · 18/02/2024 08:07

You are not bu to find it hard spending more time with someone else children than you do your own, . Your dp is absolutely right to be very hurt about what you said. It is quite telling that the son lives with dad and not mum who is local by the sounds of it. They are likely very very close.

if you were my friend I’d say end it, let them move out and live together. Maybe you can get past this maybe you can’t. He will always know that you said it and wish it . That will/should be difficult for a loving parent to look past.

Pheeeeebs · 18/02/2024 08:09

Your own children must feel shot that you live everyday with someone’s children. Thai is likely causing you massive guilt and anxiety, as a result you are looking for ways for this pain to end, for you and your children. The bf and children should move out.

Original poster
happyhome1234 · 18/02/2024 08:10

Gymnopedie · 17/02/2024 19:14

Talking about it before moving in and actually living it are two different things. The 'D'P pushed (bullied) OP into it - The catalyst was his older boy nearly getting expelled from his school and DP really pushing to move in with us so his son could change school and have a fresh start.

The kid is clearly no angel and I bet he causes real and many issues in the house. To be honest OP I can smell your partner's cocklodgeriness from here. He thinks he's got his feet under your table. You're even proposing to fund an extension so that his DCs have an even nicer place to live????

No. Get rid. Weigh up what he gets out of your relationship (particularly after he's moved in) and what you get. You will find the scales come down very heavily on his side. Tell him to go, don't be so desperate to have him around that you'll put up with being taken advantage of for everything.

That's the thing that's been very hard to articulate- what am I or my children getting out of it?

I've asked him that a few times when we've been having issues, and it usually comes down to saying I should love his kids and treat them fairly. And my kids should learn to share.

For the record I have a great relationship with both his kids- but I am not happy with his relationship with my son who he doesn't like.

Yes well they are all going to be moving out now. The next issue will be negotiating the time frame

OP posts:
Codlingmoths · 18/02/2024 08:20

So he doesn’t have a great relationship with your son either. Who has to spend half his time with his abusive dad. I’m sure this man has good points but it doesn’t seem like they could be enough to make it the right decision for him to live with you.

Haydenn · 18/02/2024 08:30

happyhome1234 · 18/02/2024 08:10

That's the thing that's been very hard to articulate- what am I or my children getting out of it?

I've asked him that a few times when we've been having issues, and it usually comes down to saying I should love his kids and treat them fairly. And my kids should learn to share.

For the record I have a great relationship with both his kids- but I am not happy with his relationship with my son who he doesn't like.

Yes well they are all going to be moving out now. The next issue will be negotiating the time frame

Show quote history

Very best of luck to you OP.💐💐💐

Give him a month at most. Be prepared to see his true colours. Or for him to say that “of course you are right about his son” to sure up his position and cling on

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 18/02/2024 08:35

Yes well they are all going to be moving out now. The next issue will be negotiating the time frame

Well done OP. And good luck.

Sparkletastic · 18/02/2024 08:49

I think you've made the right decision in moving them out. Your relationship with your own DCs and your, and your DCs, financial wellbeing has to be your priority.

TwylaSands · 18/02/2024 09:30

but I am not happy with his relationship with my son who he doesn't like.
wtf?! Why was he even allowed to move in?

Yes well they are all going to be moving out now. The next issue will be negotiating the time frame
it is your house. You dont negotiate anything. You all need to move out at the latest next saturday.