Who's being unreasonable - me or him?

[happyhome1234]

I've been with DP for 5 years and we've been living together for 6 months.

He moved into my house with his 2 boys- one of which lives with us full time.

I also have 2 children and it was a terrible trauma for me when the court mandated 50/50 time with their dad who was very abusive to me.

So I have issues that I'm with DP's children more than my own.

I also have autism so I'm aware I get most situations wrong in other people's eyes.

I've been feeling increasingly uncomfortable about his children being here- and I thought what would help me would be if we had an end date. So they moved out when they were 18. His oldest is 15.

Well DP has lost the plot about that - and now it feels like we're breaking up.

From his side- you can't say that to a child (I explained they'd be an adult by that point). It proves I don't love his children- and I should never have gotten involved with someone with children if that's how I feel. And it proves they're not wanted here.

From my side- I've spent years getting out of an abusive relationship. I do not want to live the rest of my life with a man who is neither my partner nor my child. And surely I have the right to make that decision about my own life.

For the record the 15 year old has a great relationship with his mum who lives nearby. So why doesn't he live with her age 18!!! (Basically because my house is nicer).

And myself and my siblings all left home at 18, went to Uni then got jobs. But this boy has no plans to go to Uni.

Anyway I'm really doubting myself now and feel horrified about my relationship ending over this.

So because a woman falls in love she should take on financial responsibility for not one, but two adult men?

Sorry OP not a massive fan of the drip feed that paints your partner in a much worse light after a large number of responses saying you are being unreasonable. Not a good look.

If your update posts are to be taken at face value this seems like bad situation all round that seems to have exposed your lack of communication in the relationship about big issues and expectations.

Whatever the situation really is between you and your partner his children are the ones who will suffer here from the disruption of this. That is simply unfair and you should both really reflect on that.

A “bit of a CF” he is living off the generosity of this woman and before that his parents! This man is a perpetual CF not a bit of a CF!!!

YAB absolutely U.

I can understand why you find this a struggle but this is your problem, not the problem of your DSS.

No decent parent would boot their child out because their partner didn’t want to live with them. You are putting your partner in a horrible position and if push comes to shove he will choose his child over you and so he should.

If this was this much of issue you should not have agreed to live with your step children in the first place.

Your kids may be around the rest of your life?!

A decent parent would financially support their child and not expect a step parent to do that!

Was he living with his Mum when you first met him? Did his son live with him all the time then as well?

You are not being unreasonable to want to live alone, but you are being unreasonable to invite them to move in and then dictate this cut off after the fact. 18 may have been a normal age to move out in the past, but it absolutely isn't anymore. The average age in the UK for children to leave the parental home is 25 years old (and rising). You can't have a relationship with this man and not his children. You can't have your cake and eat it. Why on earth did you agree to them moving in in the first place if you have these feelings? You can ask them to leave, but he would be wrong to agree to your conditions and put you above his own children.

This, I'm afraid.

You have been perfidious. You might have to look that up.

So you moved him in knowing he couldn’t afford to pay much. But now feel taken advantage of?

And in response to this you want him to make him leave when they are 18.

Yabu. He doesn’t sound great either. But in this situation you have been unreasonable again and again.

You need to get them out and it will be likely you will split. It’s for the best.

You are being horribly unreasonable! Honestly I’m surprised you and your partner are still together, if I were in a relationship and someone said that about my children I would fall instantly out of love with them.

YABU

This relationship should be over. My child has to come first and I would absolutely NOT be with someone counting down waiting to chuck my kid out. I’d just prefer to get rid of the partner if anything.

Nothing is worth a broken relationship with my child

Well as if they break up he’ll have to move back in with his parents I’m not surprised he isn’t rushing to break up with her!!! At the moment she’s paying for almost everything, including and extension to give his kids more room, I don’t think even his parents would do that for their grandchildren.

Well I do hope he does the decent thing and calls time on this relationship and moves back in with his mum and dad, because he can’t afford to support his kids without the OP

Talking about it before moving in and actually living it are two different things. The 'D'P pushed (bullied) OP into it - The catalyst was his older boy nearly getting expelled from his school and DP really pushing to move in with us so his son could change school and have a fresh start.

The kid is clearly no angel and I bet he causes real and many issues in the house. To be honest OP I can smell your partner's cocklodgeriness from here. He thinks he's got his feet under your table. You're even proposing to fund an extension so that his DCs have an even nicer place to live????

No. Get rid. Weigh up what he gets out of your relationship (particularly after he's moved in) and what you get. You will find the scales come down very heavily on his side. Tell him to go, don't be so desperate to have him around that you'll put up with being taken advantage of for everything.

I agree with him entirely. Sorry OP.

As far as anyone knows inferiority doesn’t come in to it. There is an outright rejection from your side though as you’re basically saying ‘well kids, I’m done. Good luck’.

i find it unnecessary at an age they’re likely to be breaking away independently themselves. Parenting of adult children is less about any actual parenting but providing them with a bit of a safety net/fall back if they fuck up a bit and find themselves needing the kind of support you can only really get from parents. There’s a clear divide in outcomes for adults who have had that kind of support and adults who haven’t ime.

Really? 16!

I have no words (well, actually a lot of words) for people who see their kids leave so young, unless for an absolutely good reason.

Good luck to you if you end up without the partner and without a relationship with your children.

Actually OP first post talks about her partner in a really derogatory way, referring to him "losing the plot" and "explaining" that his children would be adults by 18.

It's so cold and callous. He might have been out looking for a rich woman but it's strange OP is concerned about losing someone of whom she clearly thinks very little.

I think YABVU tbh
I think as an 18yr old be to told you're no longer welcome at your dad's house is awful.
I went to uni at 18 ..and came home for 16+ weeks of holidays and occasional weekends for 3 years then moved home while I looked for a job.

If you don't want to live with his kids that's OK....but that can't be a deadline imposed at 18.

Bloody hell. I have a 16 year old who's not the easiest at times, but any man who wanted my dc to move out at that age, would be dead to me. How can you possibly love any man more than your own child? Surely men and go, dc will always be your family.

I can see your point. it’s easy for people to say “ well you should have known than when you agreed to let him move in” But not everyone has a crystal ball.

The reality is that there is a massive imbalance in your relationship and it’s hard to know in advance how you will feel about it. Sometimes your feelings change when you are actually living in the new set up.

Im guessing you also didn’t know that you would your have own kids less , that must be very hard for you.

I understand that your solution - that your SS can move out at 18 - seems rational , fair and logical to you. Lots of other people would agree with you, but a lot of them are also autistic. But most neurotypical don’t think like that - to then it seems hard and cruel.

Thats why you’ve got the reaction you have on this thread. I hope that’s not hurt your feelings too much.

Im not saying that you are wrong and they are right,it’s just different. But at the end of the days it’s your house and you need to be happy living there . So I don’t think thar you and your partner are compatible, you have different priorities.

It’s not the child’s dads house though. And the child’s dad doesn’t even pay a substantial contribution.

If I was an 18 year old and having to move out I’d be angry, but at my parents for being so fucking lazy they weren’t able to support me, and that up until this point I’d only had a roof over my head because my father was a cocklodger

She didn’t invite them. He muscled in and now doesn’t pay anything because he doesn’t earn much, and has conned her into paying for an extension for his kids to boot. Previously he and his sons were living with his parents because he can’t or won’t support them himself.

OP, he’s a cocklodger of the worst kind. Get rid of him and cancel the building plans if it’s not too late. I’m not convinced it’s solely about his kid. He’s kicking off because he’s already had so much success taking advantage of you and he feels emboldened by it. He will only get worse the longer you let him stay. You’ll find yourself more and more controlled by him as he bullies you over every issue to get his own way.

Good God, you’ve actually said to your children they will be living with their father when they’re 16 and you’re allowing your partner to dictate that YOUR children won’t be welcome to live in their home from their 16th birthday? I wouldn’t be surprised if you’ve alienating your children in years to come and I wouldn’t blame them.