Who's being unreasonable - me or him?

[happyhome1234]

I've been with DP for 5 years and we've been living together for 6 months.

He moved into my house with his 2 boys- one of which lives with us full time.

I also have 2 children and it was a terrible trauma for me when the court mandated 50/50 time with their dad who was very abusive to me.

So I have issues that I'm with DP's children more than my own.

I also have autism so I'm aware I get most situations wrong in other people's eyes.

I've been feeling increasingly uncomfortable about his children being here- and I thought what would help me would be if we had an end date. So they moved out when they were 18. His oldest is 15.

Well DP has lost the plot about that - and now it feels like we're breaking up.

From his side- you can't say that to a child (I explained they'd be an adult by that point). It proves I don't love his children- and I should never have gotten involved with someone with children if that's how I feel. And it proves they're not wanted here.

From my side- I've spent years getting out of an abusive relationship. I do not want to live the rest of my life with a man who is neither my partner nor my child. And surely I have the right to make that decision about my own life.

For the record the 15 year old has a great relationship with his mum who lives nearby. So why doesn't he live with her age 18!!! (Basically because my house is nicer).

And myself and my siblings all left home at 18, went to Uni then got jobs. But this boy has no plans to go to Uni.

Anyway I'm really doubting myself now and feel horrified about my relationship ending over this.

You are being massively unreasonable. I would break up with a partner after they said this about my children.

I doubt the cheeky fuckers principles are as strong as yours. He breaks up with her and him and his kids have to move back to his parents. That moral high-ground does not look comfortable.

I bet when she asks him to move out he tells her he’ll agree that his son moves out at 18 (with no intention of actually doing it) but to kick the can down the road for 3 years.

Why did you agree to live together, was it his idea or yours?

Why can't he get his own place?

“I can’t imagine how your children must feel when they come to stay with you and you have someone else’s children living there full time. It just doesn’t sit right with me.”

Yes this is the worst bit for my children

Is it?
Or is that your view that you’re pushing on them? Theres a stepchild full time in my ex’s house (the former marital home, so my kids’ “home”) and they don’t care in the slightest that they are there full time.
If you genuinely think it’s bad for your children - why did you do it?

YABVU

Because he doesn’t earn enough.

I am not happy with his relationship with my son who he doesn't like.

When did that come to light?

He'd probably be able to.top.up his rent with housing benefit plus any other benefits he's entitled to

How do people manage who haven't got parents to run back to.

Love drip feeds that make the OP look slightly more reasonable after being resoundingly told they are unreasonable

Yeah, I haven’t got the patience for this.

You don’t actually like him at all because there are some pretty fundamental things you aren’t happy with him about. And vice versa.

End it as quickly as you can. The kids will take a hit but they’ll get over it quicker if it isn’t dragged out with eternal navel gazing and ‘negotiations’. Presuming neither of you are actually complete knobs you aren’t aware that both of your children aren’t actually reason for any of these issues they just highlight why you’re badly matched. Put it to bed before (if they haven’t already) the kids pick up on this and start blaming themselves for the adults issues.

Get them out. He's massively taking advantage of you. It's good that you can see this so you can fix it.

You sound like a nice, caring, hard working woman. You deserve better ❤

Wrong again. Please read properly.

I said REGARDLESS of his shortcomings she doesn't love him enough to unconditionally love his children. His shortcomings wouldn't be for me, but she got with him knowing he was an adults living off his parents - her choice.

If you get with someone with children, you must offer those children life long unconditional love commitment as you would your own.

If you get with someone with children, you must offer those children life long unconditional love commitment as you would your own.

😂😂 I've never heard such a lot of complete and utter horse shit in my entire life!

What you said.

The ONLY people we are programmed to love unconditionally are our children. It's deep, evolutionary programming.

@MrsTerryPratchett yep. And the dog of course.

Well that goes without saying.

You lived with a fella once for six months and now you have to love and financially support his kids until death releases you🤣🤣🤣🤣 only on mumsnet

Don’t be silly, it’s only women who have to do this .

Men can walk away from this own children and never even see the or financially support them. As long as they have a good reason like

they got married too young
it’s too much responsibility for them
they are entitled to a life
they got a job at the other end of the county
their ex got fat and boring after they had kids
nappies don’t cost much
his kids don’t need the money
his ex is controlling
he’s decided to have more kids and can’t afford the first lot

etc etc

Sooner rather than later OP. Time to get some mental and physical space from your partner and his children and focus on yourself and your own DC.

As soon as they've left change your locks - don't just accept a return of keys. 🌹

Are you planning on kicking your own kids out the dzy they turn 18 to they czn live with their dzd after all no big deal.
Feel sorry for your partner and step child especially your step kid your partner is an adult he has a choice to stay or go poor step kid hzs no such choice kid has to stay where he not wanted cause the adults say so

Yabu. Are you kicking your dc out at 18 too. Can't believe you even said that. Can totally understand why you're partner is upset and yes he and his boys should leave. It's not going to work between you and your partner.