To tell MIL to stop with the comments

[mariaem]

More of an "how to do this" not AIBU

I'd rather not have my husband with me during the birth. I prefer he drops me off at the hospital or heads home when the intense contractions start, and then returns once the baby and I are cleaned up. This is just how I feel, and I'm not really up for debating it, so please let's not turn this post into a discussion of pros and cons of partners being at the birth. The question is about MIL's comments and how to address them.

So, I'm about 28 weeks pregnant, and every time I see my MIL, she just won't let up with the comments like, 'Are you still planning not to have him present?' or 'Do you think he'll regret not being there?' or 'Perhaps you'll change your mind when you feel more maternal towards the end of pregnancy' I've been trying to brush it off for the past 20 weeks with responses like, 'I don't see myself changing my mind' or 'Yeah, it's what we've decided,' but she's persistent.

My husband thinks she's just shocked and wants to express her feelings, but he's never been one to stand up to her. He's more of a 'mom's always right' kinda guy. We've talked about it, and he's cool with whatever makes me comfortable on the day, ultimately I'm the one doing the work.

How can I gently but firmly address her comments? I've tried telling her that the topic makes me uncomfortable and that we've made our decision, but she seems to ignore it.

@Nanny0gg he has said that to her, but she keeps raising it with me for some reason!

@Nanny0gg (sorry just catching up and responding to a different post / question of yours)
We live about 40 mins away but she's often in town where we live for her own jobs / activities and will visit us at least once a week or meet with us for a coffee or dinner

I think you need to state things very simply and clearly. This is the first decision you will make as a parent and if she can't be trusted to respect this then she can't be trusted to respect other parental decisions so her contact will be limited.

As far as the father not being in the delivery room, that is completely your choice (I don't understand it but I do respect it) However please ensure he, or someone else is at the hospital in case anyone decisions are required regarding critical medical care in case you are unable to make them.

@LookItsMeAgain no drinking problem! I mean, he likes a drink at an occasion but nothing concerning or not more than other people I know.
All I meant by that is I don't mind where he spends his time, as long as he's fit and healthy when he's back, able to help out as needed with the baby etc, so not in a pub far far away or doing something incredibly tiring all day, which I don't think he'd do either. Basically emphasising that either home or hospital or other locations all fine, just not in the labour room.

Your comment was saying because she had sex with him he now has the right to see her vagina during childbirth. He doesn’t.

Surely the ‘nasty, selfish and self absorbed ‘ person is the one who is harassing the OP about her body choices?

I mean, it's your decision and she needs to leave the subject alone but I can see why she'd find it sad that her DS is going to miss out on seeing his child take their first breaths and cries etc. It's the bit you remember.

Because you took an example where someone made a decision on something that is extremely personal and important.

She has now been tormented by her MIL for 20 weeks straight with offensive comments such as how she might change her mind when she's more maternal.

And you think that someone telling her that if she doesn't stop with the offensive comments that she won't see the grandchild shows proof of 'micromanaging' even though it's nothing like micromanaging at all in any way.

It would be a pregnant woman putting boundaries in place and giving an ultimatum so that the MIL will stop harrassing her and being offensive, which is the very last thing that a pregnant woman needs.

I am not harassing the OP at all. I have said it is a decision for her and her husband. The quote you have taken out of context was actually a response to a the pps who said the OP should cut off contact between the baby and her MIL if the MIL did not toe the line.

I really hope this is nothing to do with him being put off sex with you in future
He would be a shitty person to be with if so.

And if he doesn't witness the child being born then the bit he'll remember is when he meets the baby shortly afterwards.
It's going to be memorable either way 😂

@mariaem When you are in labour you won't have midwives with you all the time. They often leave you in the labour suite on your own. Who will you have with you to support you, advocate for you or to go and get help? A friend? Another member of your family?

Stop your racist ignorance.
Every culture is different, and the father being present or not can relate to a number of different cultural factors including privacy for the woman and spatial practices.

I would agree here that it really is important to have a birthing partner to help you and advocate for you especially with the state of our overstretched birthing services now. Hospitals really rely on the mother having someone to accompany them now as they are usually having to split their time over several mothers in active labour. They may not respond to call buttons very quickly so if your situation changes suddenly they may not be there quick enough. You really need someone there who can run down a corridor and grab a midwife if necessary!

However, it is entirely your choice who comes into the labour room with you. This birth is happening to you and no one else.

If your MIL had been expressing concern about you not having support during the birth that would be fair enough. Doesn't sound like that is her issue here though so she really needs to keep her opinions to herself.

The only misogyny I'm seeing, is on this thread.

From posters who believe that the OP is 'ridiculous' and unreasonable to not have her partner in the labour room.

This is because, in approx the last 30/40 years women have been conditioned to accept this, not as an option but as an obligation.

Your whataboutery regarding other countries/cultures reeks of racism.

I was referring to MIL harassing OP, not you!

Well said.

This is starting to sound controlling. You don't want him there with you but you do want to dictate what he does while you are in labour and, of course, he has to be fit and ready to be at your beck and call as soon as you want him to be. I don't think you can have it both ways. Either he comes with you or he does as he chooses while you have the baby.

You should question her memory. Be like “MIL I’m really worried about you and think you might need to see a doctor. We’ve had this discussion numerous times but you seem to be forgetting since you ask me the same question every time you seem me. I hope it’s not the start of a more serious condition”

Don't be so utterly ridiculous.
Talk about a reach.
Serious mental gymnastics going on to try to say that that's starting to sound controlling.

Of course she can have it both ways. It's literally common sense that a man who wasn't allowed in the labour room would be ready and fit to go in as soon as he's allowed, and he should be capable of then helping if asked.

In your world maybe.

In everyones world except for people who are trying to make the OP feel like shit and using weird tactics and mental gymnastics to do so.

Would any of you say that shit to your own daughters? No, no you wouldn't.

Maybe just say you have changed your mind or see what happens on the day. She may shut up then .

You can have your opinion until the sun goes nova and it won't change a thing because the law is on OP's side and you are wrong.

I'll say again:

She will be the one who gives birth. She rightly, and with the backing of the law, gets to decide who is in the delivery room and she has every right to exclude her husband. It is important that she is comfortable when giving birth. This maximises the chance of a healthy outcome for her and her baby.

His few minutes of thrusting his dick into her to contribute 5ml of semen doesn't override the law, nor does it override medical good practice.

Just because I show my vulva to someone during sex, doesn't mean that I lose the right to refuse to show it to them in a different context like childbirth. Just like how agreeing to sex with someone once doesn't mean that I lose the right to say no to sex with that person in the future.

The poster mentioning rape did so because the argument of "you were OK with it before" is used to justify rape and you were using it to indicate that you think that it justifies a man seeing his wife's vulva in the delivery room. It's never an acceptable argument.