To tell MIL to stop with the comments

[mariaem]

More of an "how to do this" not AIBU

I'd rather not have my husband with me during the birth. I prefer he drops me off at the hospital or heads home when the intense contractions start, and then returns once the baby and I are cleaned up. This is just how I feel, and I'm not really up for debating it, so please let's not turn this post into a discussion of pros and cons of partners being at the birth. The question is about MIL's comments and how to address them.

So, I'm about 28 weeks pregnant, and every time I see my MIL, she just won't let up with the comments like, 'Are you still planning not to have him present?' or 'Do you think he'll regret not being there?' or 'Perhaps you'll change your mind when you feel more maternal towards the end of pregnancy' I've been trying to brush it off for the past 20 weeks with responses like, 'I don't see myself changing my mind' or 'Yeah, it's what we've decided,' but she's persistent.

My husband thinks she's just shocked and wants to express her feelings, but he's never been one to stand up to her. He's more of a 'mom's always right' kinda guy. We've talked about it, and he's cool with whatever makes me comfortable on the day, ultimately I'm the one doing the work.

How can I gently but firmly address her comments? I've tried telling her that the topic makes me uncomfortable and that we've made our decision, but she seems to ignore it.

um no they don’t. He’s not giving birth so that’s the end of it.

I would be very direct, state that the decision has been made, you are do not wish to discuss it again, and you would like her to respect this by jot raising it with you again.

Reposting with my typos fixed!!

I would be very direct, state that the decision has been made, you do not wish to discuss it again, and you would like her to respect this by not raising it with you again

😯😯😯. You are out of your mind. He has absolutely zero right to be in the room.

@Tandora he doesn’t have the right to be there but he does have the right to say he would like to be there even if OP says he can’t be.

Unbelievable isn’t it 😔. And terrifying.

Well he has the right to say whatever nonsense he likes of course. Free speech and all. And OP has the right to tell him (and his mother) to get to fuck.

Luckily your point is irrelevant since husband is happy to respect his wife’s comfort and boundaries as should be the absolute priority of every decent man when their wife is giving birth.

Are we reading the same thread?

This is her husband, not someone she is not in a relationship with.

I think I’d just tell her sure, changed our minds and he will be there. Shut down the conversation then do as you wish. I tried for years to reason with certain people about my decisions and finally gave up. Now I limit the details I share and just agree with them.

Yeah sure. Anyone on the street has the right to say they want to be there....

I had the father of mine at all (4) births because I felt pressured to do so.

He spoilt them all - grumpy, bored, complaining about the channels available on tv, making fun of me in pain, refusing to get me more water etc etc. I have no positive memories of labour and delivery. Fortunately at that time dads weren't allowed to stay overnight and I just had to hold on till it was time for him to leave.
I wish I had been brave enough to refuse permission.
My (adult) daughters are all now no contact with him so it didn't even help him create a bond with them.
Absolutely stick to what is right for you! x

If you read the thread that was in response to a poster who said that OP’s husband was entitled to be there as he has a right to witness his own child being born . When another poster challenged this and said there is no such right for men- would you say the same for a man who wasn’t in a relationship with the mother- the pp said absolutely she would say the same!!!

@tandora how would you feel if a culture says a woman couidn’t/shouidn’t have her husband there, even if she wanted him. What if she has been brought up to believe that it is wrong to have him there? Is she having a free choice then?

Ah ok, thanks for clarifying, I only saw that poster's first comment. A lot to trawl through here!

Huh?

I don’t even understand the point you are making.

😱😱😱

Oh so now he owns it? I guess you don’t believe in marital rape then either.. or any rape after a woman’s consented to it once?

@tandora the OP has stated it is not usual in her culture for husband to be present. Other posters have said globally it is more likely for the husband to not be present. But the reason behind many cultures stipulating the man shouldn’t be present is because the woman is deemed ‘dirty’, those cultures also have same attitude to periods. So the man can’t be there to protect him. The reason is not to protect women.

So if a woman has been so conditioned by her culture to believe she shouldn’t have her husband there, I am asking is she really making a free choice and people saying globally it is not the norm for husbands to be there, are in effect supporting those misogynistic attitudes.

Indeed she is. And in these circumstances it's irrelevant whether she's married to him or not.

How annoying. I'd just simply say I don't want to discuss this anymore and change the subject. Or just completely ignore her and simply change the subject.

The MIL has been at this for 20 WEEKS now, making comments like Perhaps you'll change your mind when you feel more maternal towards the end of pregnancy.

So most people, stroppy, or gentle or kind would be done talking things through and would have lost their shit by now.

Would you think it was ok to torment your DIL for 20 weeks about her decision, and take advantage of her being gentle and kind and keep going on and on and on like a broken record making offensive comments implying she's just not maternal yet?

While medical advances have massively improved infant and maternal mortality rates, women didn’t need a particular person to advocate for them before childbirth was medicalised because they were attended by women who knew and supported them, not men who thought listening to women was beneath them. It is the medicalization of childbirth and, in particular, the role of male doctors in childbirth that lead to women not being listened and the idea that they needed an advocate.

I think you are making quite a lot of very culturally biased assumptions here. Yes, we are all a product of our culture and our upbringing, and there is rarely any such thing as a “free choice” - free in the sense of independent from all socialisation/ conditioning.

But all this is besides the point. This a post from a woman who feels clear about what she wants for her labour/ birth- for whatever reason-, and there are a tonne of posters shockingly responding that she is selfish, because her husband’s “right” to witness the birth should be the priority . That is deeply misogynistic.

Women should have the autonomy to choose who they do and do not want present at their birth. Like any choice they make , they may be influenced by their background, their culture, their family and peer influences. But that is no reason to take their choices away, and certainly no reason to start declaring that the needs of men come first during childbirth!!

I think I do. Why do you say I don't?

Oh do behave! I was replying to the poster who said she was fussy ( or some such) about who saw her vagina.
There is no suggestion here of rape, marital or otherwise.