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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell MIL to stop with the comments

542 replies

mariaem · 16/02/2024 21:48

More of an "how to do this" not AIBU

I'd rather not have my husband with me during the birth. I prefer he drops me off at the hospital or heads home when the intense contractions start, and then returns once the baby and I are cleaned up. This is just how I feel, and I'm not really up for debating it, so please let's not turn this post into a discussion of pros and cons of partners being at the birth. The question is about MIL's comments and how to address them.

So, I'm about 28 weeks pregnant, and every time I see my MIL, she just won't let up with the comments like, 'Are you still planning not to have him present?' or 'Do you think he'll regret not being there?' or 'Perhaps you'll change your mind when you feel more maternal towards the end of pregnancy' I've been trying to brush it off for the past 20 weeks with responses like, 'I don't see myself changing my mind' or 'Yeah, it's what we've decided,' but she's persistent.

My husband thinks she's just shocked and wants to express her feelings, but he's never been one to stand up to her. He's more of a 'mom's always right' kinda guy. We've talked about it, and he's cool with whatever makes me comfortable on the day, ultimately I'm the one doing the work.

How can I gently but firmly address her comments? I've tried telling her that the topic makes me uncomfortable and that we've made our decision, but she seems to ignore it.

OP posts:
VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 18/02/2024 19:58

crumblingschools · 17/02/2024 18:27

@tandora the OP has stated it is not usual in her culture for husband to be present. Other posters have said globally it is more likely for the husband to not be present. But the reason behind many cultures stipulating the man shouldn’t be present is because the woman is deemed ‘dirty’, those cultures also have same attitude to periods. So the man can’t be there to protect him. The reason is not to protect women.

So if a woman has been so conditioned by her culture to believe she shouldn’t have her husband there, I am asking is she really making a free choice and people saying globally it is not the norm for husbands to be there, are in effect supporting those misogynistic attitudes.

I could argue about the UK:

So if a woman has been so conditioned by her culture to believe she must have her husband there, I am asking is she really making a free choice and people saying nationally it is the norm for husbands to be there, are in effect supporting those misogynistic attitudes.

The delivery room is not the time to unpack the whys and wherefores of a woman's birth choices, it's the place to respect her choices and make her as comfortable as possible to maximise the safety of her and her baby.

Jumpers4goalposts · 18/02/2024 20:09

MIL is looking out for her DS’s best interests. I don’t think you’ll be able to stop the comments.

youmustrememberthis · 18/02/2024 20:13

Jumpers4goalposts · 18/02/2024 20:09

MIL is looking out for her DS’s best interests. I don’t think you’ll be able to stop the comments.

She isn't though, she's just interfering. His best interests would be served by her being supportive of him and his wife, not upsetting his wife.

youmustrememberthis · 18/02/2024 20:17

GrannyRose15 · 18/02/2024 18:20

This is starting to sound controlling. You don't want him there with you but you do want to dictate what he does while you are in labour and, of course, he has to be fit and ready to be at your beck and call as soon as you want him to be. I don't think you can have it both ways. Either he comes with you or he does as he chooses while you have the baby.

That presumes he doesn't want to respect his wife's wishes and then goes off and has a tantrum because of it

Mirable · 18/02/2024 20:21

OP, why are you taking this amazing once in a lifetime moment away from your DH?

kkloo · 18/02/2024 20:40

Jumpers4goalposts · 18/02/2024 20:09

MIL is looking out for her DS’s best interests. I don’t think you’ll be able to stop the comments.

It's not in her sons best interests that she harasses his wife over and over again.

In fact interfering MILs can cause a lot of stress in their childs relationship, and it can also lead to resentment if a MIL won't STFU and her son doesn't tell her that enough is enough and to drop it once and for all.

Goldbar · 18/02/2024 21:03

mightydolphin · 16/02/2024 21:57

If she isn't the type to drop it, then you could always just say you've changed your mind and then go ahead as planned. Who really cares what she thinks, it's your labour.

This. Tell her he'll be there and then please yourselves.

Goldbar · 18/02/2024 21:06

Mirable · 18/02/2024 20:21

OP, why are you taking this amazing once in a lifetime moment away from your DH?

Because it's her body and giving birth isn't a spectator sport?

Suchagroovyguy · 18/02/2024 21:09

Just as a man has no right to decide what a woman does with her pregnant body and the baby within it, he has no right to demand to be a spectator at her labour and subsequent birth. It’s hers. It’s her medical process. She gets to decide who is present in that room.

Why is that so hard for some people to understand?

As it is, the husband does understand and respects that. The bolshy MIL can’t seem to get it into her head.

IsthisthereallifeIsthisjustfantasy · 18/02/2024 21:43

I'm amazed by all the posters who think that a birthing mother has a responsibility to give her a partner a meaningful experience by witnessing the birth, even if that's not her preference, and that if she chooses not to then then she should bear the emotional weight of that decision.

My DH loved being present at DC's birth. It was the most intense and meaningful experience of his life. It was also the most dangerous day of my child's life and one of the most dangerous days of mine. If I'd rather not had him there, he would have got zero say in that.

But of course, men's feelings are the issue here.

Rachie1973 · 18/02/2024 21:48

Mirable · 18/02/2024 20:21

OP, why are you taking this amazing once in a lifetime moment away from your DH?

How do you know she is? He may not even want to be present ffs.

The few minutes it takes for a baby to come into the world is the start of a lifetime commitment. He will have a million moments.

MadMadaMim · 18/02/2024 22:29

"Stop!" then get up and leave the room. Every single time. She'll get the message. Give her 3 strikes then don't even interact, just get up and leave the room/vicinity

Midwinter91 · 18/02/2024 22:37

It’s a very strange thing to do, that’s why she’s commenting

Grimchmas · 18/02/2024 22:59

Mirable · 18/02/2024 20:21

OP, why are you taking this amazing once in a lifetime moment away from your DH?

Why are your trying to guilt trip a stranger on the internet into having somebody in the room that she doesn't want?

Atsocta · 18/02/2024 23:26

Poor man, not allowed to be present at his child’s birth …
really 🤦‍♀️

Atsocta · 18/02/2024 23:27

Midwinter91 · 18/02/2024 22:37

It’s a very strange thing to do, that’s why she’s commenting

Totally agree, find it really sad …

kkloo · 18/02/2024 23:33

Atsocta · 18/02/2024 23:27

Totally agree, find it really sad …

Show quote history

It's far more sad that people are trying to guilt a woman into allowing her husband in the room even though she obviously has her reasons why she doesn't want to.

You're all feeling so sorry for this man, but don't seem to care at all about the impact on the OP if she allowed him in because people made her feel guilty about it.

I don't think people would be so harsh or lacking empathy if it was their own daughters who had made this decision, but a random woman on the internet, people keep piling on trying to make her feel like she's doing something awful to her husband and that she should put her feelings aside because what she wants isn't important even though she's the one who's having the baby!

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 19/02/2024 00:04

The misogyny is so strong on this thread.

The day that a father gives birth, he gets to decide who is in the delivery room. Until then, the mother decides.

This idea that the father must be at the birth is similar thinking to the "we're pregnant" nonsense I keep hearing from expectant fathers. No buddy, we may be expecting a child but she's pregnant.

Bex5490 · 19/02/2024 06:55

Imagine this perceived ‘right’ that people are describing, where a man gets to decide if he wants to watch any woman he’s impregnated have her body ripped in half was made law?

Is that really what PPs think should happen?

Because if you don’t think it should be the law, then deep down you don’t actually believe men have this right…you’re just talking bollocks on the internet…

Iwasafool · 19/02/2024 10:05

Rachie1973 · 18/02/2024 21:48

How do you know she is? He may not even want to be present ffs.

The few minutes it takes for a baby to come into the world is the start of a lifetime commitment. He will have a million moments.

Show quote history

This is true, I've heard many men at work complaining that they had to be at the birth as their wife/partner was demanding it and family and friends were all supporting her.

I'm also thinking of all the women who come on here heartbroken that their husband/partner has left them and worried about how their children are going to cope. How many of those men have had that amazing/wonderful/once in a lifetime experience and then happily trot off with their new woman?

Suchagroovyguy · 19/02/2024 13:17

Iwasafool · 19/02/2024 13:11

Doesn't surprise me.

Show quote history

Nor me. Most of the dads on One Born were monumental pricks during the labours. Which is largely my frame of reference of male behaviour in birth beyond my own experiences.

Iwasafool · 19/02/2024 13:22

Not to mention allowing them on post natal wards. All they seem to do is snore from what I've heard and again listening to men at work they rarely seem to want to do it but it is expected.

crumblingschools · 19/02/2024 13:40

I am assuming the majority of men who are pricks in the birthing room are probably not great examples of dads/husbands either. If you can muck about whist your partner is at her most vulnerable and needs support doesn’t bode well for your attitude outside the delivery room.

A neighbour of a friend told her he had to come home whilst his wife was in labour as he found it too tiring. Surprise, surprise he has turned out to be a useless dad, expecting his wife to do everything both with parenting and household chores, whilst he spends hours on his hobby