To tell MIL to stop with the comments

[mariaem]

More of an "how to do this" not AIBU

I'd rather not have my husband with me during the birth. I prefer he drops me off at the hospital or heads home when the intense contractions start, and then returns once the baby and I are cleaned up. This is just how I feel, and I'm not really up for debating it, so please let's not turn this post into a discussion of pros and cons of partners being at the birth. The question is about MIL's comments and how to address them.

So, I'm about 28 weeks pregnant, and every time I see my MIL, she just won't let up with the comments like, 'Are you still planning not to have him present?' or 'Do you think he'll regret not being there?' or 'Perhaps you'll change your mind when you feel more maternal towards the end of pregnancy' I've been trying to brush it off for the past 20 weeks with responses like, 'I don't see myself changing my mind' or 'Yeah, it's what we've decided,' but she's persistent.

My husband thinks she's just shocked and wants to express her feelings, but he's never been one to stand up to her. He's more of a 'mom's always right' kinda guy. We've talked about it, and he's cool with whatever makes me comfortable on the day, ultimately I'm the one doing the work.

How can I gently but firmly address her comments? I've tried telling her that the topic makes me uncomfortable and that we've made our decision, but she seems to ignore it.

Im a very strong advocate of woman's choice.

My dad chose not to see me be born, he ran out the room im told lol, he did work up the courage with my siblings.

OP im just so intrigued by your choice - doesn't mean its wrong though but when people make choices or do things that arent classed as " the norm" then people will question and comment.

Before i had my children had i been asked, genuinely i would have thought my husband would have been zero use to me in the labour room and since im the most non touchy feely person i know holding hands etc wouldnt be happening.......turned out i clung onto him like a baby koala not letting him move a muscle never mind an inch from me.

Im pleased to report i returned to my normal reserved self after birth 😂

Yes, this. Don't mistake your own personal "I wouldn't keep my husband out" feelings for "no woman should be allowed to keep her husband out".

I'm really angry that so many (I'm assuming women) feel they have a right to dictate what another woman should do when giving birth.

How arrogant. How offensive. Those posters making spiteful little comments about 'how can you take away this special moment from your DH' or other unpleasant little digs should be ashamed of themselves. How dare you feel you have a right to comment on other women's choices - never mind attempt to manipulate them or make them feel like shit.

I personally wanted my DH with me. I have no issue at all with other women who may NOT want their DH with them. I believe women should have the right to make their own choices in life without being pressured or condemned for those choices. The OP made it abundantly clear that she'd made her decision - and wasn't interested in whether others agreed with this. She wasn't looking for your opinions. The very first paragraph stated please let's not turn this post into a discussion of pros and cons of partners being at the birth. She was asking how to get MIL to stop making comments.

Those who've jumped on the thread to give unsolicited, unwanted opinions are disgraceful.

There was a thread yesterday about a petition against fathers on post natal wards. It quickly filled to 1000 posts. The stories being told about the behaviour of some fathers on these wards were nothing short of disgraceful. Some posts were from women who were well aware of their partners' limitations, either as a support for them or as a parent. Others had endured being leered at whilst breastfeeding, were unable to use facilities set aside for them as actual patients, were kept awake by snoring or had their cubicle space encroached upon.

When I look at the many posts on this thread to the tune of 'he has the right' (and to hell with the rights of women whose bodies have borne the brunt of major physical trauma), I begin to see where the seeds of this attitude of entitlement takes hold.

Enable your own 'Nigels'. The rest of us will continue to maintain our own very reasonable boundaries, and to set the bar higher as to the standards we expect from men.

Far higher.

@Hatty65 in response to your post of 17.10 - applause.

Perfect! 😂

@chiwwy It may not be MY business but it's absolutely the father's business! That's a fact unfortunately

This is exactly what she doesn't want in the comments - it's not a discussion aout for or against hubby being here.

The fact is that father should respect the mothers wishes because that is in her and the babies best interests.

Luckily the father in this case does appear to respect her wishes.

Brilliant post!

There has been some appalling posts on here and I don't believe they would say the same stuff to their own daughters.

Yay 😅

No one else's business but the mother's as it's her body - seriously how hard is that to understand?

The discussion concerns stopping her MIL bossing her around not about whether or not husbands should be there for the birth.

If the OP didn’t want to know what we thought she shouldn’t have posted on MN. Simple really.

The woman most men look up to is their mother. When they chose a bride, they have to take a stance on which woman has the last word. If they don't, they are stuck on the fence between the two which has razor wire on top! Your question is exactly this. He and ONLY he, has to defer to one of you and I sincerely hope he realizes how crucial this is to the remainder of his Mum's life. If you loose this battle, you've lost the War.

Far more simple for people to just offer advice on how to deal with the MIL, which is what the OP asked for.

Your thoughts were particularly bizarre and ridiculous so the OP didn't really need to know what you thought at all 😂

Telling her that she was controlling and if she didn't want him there fine but that she shouldn't expect him to go in fit and ready to help out as soon as she wants him in to see her and the baby. Ok then 😂

She wanted advice on how to tell toxic MIL to keep her beak out. She's entitled to ask for that and entitled to expect that her birth choices will be respected on a parenting website.

Looking at some of the responses it’s hard to believe we’re on Mumsnet and not some Andrew Tate subreddit.

I'm really interested in your choice not to have him there! (Not opposed to it or debating it, just curious because usually in a caring relationship people want them there for support). What made you come to this decision?

‘A few minutes of thrusting his dick into her’

Well, aren’t you a delight.

Jesus wept. And we wonder why some men are misogynists.

Wow thank you everyone for your lovely advice, didn't expect to get so many responses but I've tried to read most of them (except the ones where I saw at the start that it was going into an off-topic discussion about whether or not to have him there, didn't waste time on those).

For anyone who wants an update as it's mildly annoying when you hear the start of the story but not the end:
MIL came over yesterday for dinner. Just before she came I spoke to my husband and said he needs to now address it, because it's raising my stress levels which can't be good for pregnancy. If he can't address it then we can alternatively lower my stress levels by not seeing her until either I've given birth and recovered both physically and mentally, or until she stops her comments. Within about 15 mins of getting here she commented how my bump is looking bigger now, how I'm very close to the birth (still a good few months out most likely but ok...) and have I thought any more about whether he will be present at the birth. I just looked at her with raised eyebrows, looked at my husband and went to the opposite side of the room to get something. My husband said to her (which I didn't really expect!) "I feel like we've discussed this a few times now, Mum, is everything ok? I'm a little worried about whether you're struggling with your memory lately?" She said that no, of course not, it's just such a strange decision because DH misses out. DH just said "well it's a decision we've made and it won't be changed. So suggest you move on as this repetitive talk isn't doing anyone good". By this point she stared at him and rolled her eyes. At dinner she was all quiet and huffy puffy, told us she disagrees with the colour we've done for the nursery and disagrees with our child having 2 middle names, which I think was the final straw for me so I said "I guess you'll have to get used to not agreeing with the decisions we make!"

I guess it's a good step DH stood up to her and I will have to start doing it more too!

I'm so glad your DH stepped in and made things clear and that your boundaries are set.

Wishing you all the best for the rest of your pregnancy.

She's standing up for her son who you are asking to miss one of the most special moments of his life.

Oh go away

Well done OP, for your firm boundaries, both here and at home. Impressive. A lot of us can take inspiration from you.